Let Me Be Your First (Music and Letters #1)

by Lynsey M. Stewart

  ‘Well, he’s full of shit. I’m just trying to give an example of how full of shit he is. He’s capable of making up a dead dog. Jesus.’ Abi shook her head and poked me in my ribs. They both fought for space as they peered over my shoulder when I opened up the message.

  Luke: How are you doing? Hope you are recovering well. I didn’t get a chance to thank you. I don’t have many people to talk to, so just wanted to say thanks.

  ‘Don’t have many people to talk to? What about Redhead and her fantastic legs?’ Abi was in full hate mode. ‘Do not reply. Don’t you dare reply!’

  Me: I’m OK, thanks. Healing well. I hope you sort everything out with your dad. Before it’s too late.

  ‘What are you doing? Think of Ben, think of Ben, think of Ben!’ Abi was like a whirlwind when she was mad. I secretly enjoyed winding her up. I pushed aside the fact that she actually appeared to believe I would go running to him again. If the long, exposing talks over pedicures and chocolate cake hadn’t proved that to her, I wasn’t sure what would.

  Luke: Was your boyfriend mad that we had met up?

  ‘He’s so trying to cause trouble. Can’t you see that?’ Abi shrieked, veins bulging in her neck as she paced the carpet.

  ‘Abi, just let me reply to him,’ I sighed.

  Me: No, he’s very understanding.

  Luke: Things are going well with him then?

  Me: Very!

  Abi pulled the phone out of my hand and threw it at the wall.

  ‘Abi! What the hell?’ I realised I’d shouted way too loudly when we heard the cries of Gem’s son at the top of the stairs.

  ‘Thanks, you two! Your teenage antics have cost me a quiet night tonight.’ Gem stormed off upstairs and left us to silently stare each other out.

  ‘Don’t reply to him. The guy’s a worm. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him. Kate was on a course with Julia the other day.’

  ‘Who’s Julia?’

  ‘The redhead with the fantastic legs,’ she said all matter of fact.

  ‘Oh. She has a name then?’ I frowned.

  ‘Yes. Julia. I did a bit of digging. Anyway, Kate overheard her telling a friend that she was going to move in with him. All that crap he told you about not wanting to live with another woman and then trying to get you back. Yeah, right. Kate didn’t want to tell you, but you need to know he’s a prize dick.’

  Redhead had managed the impossible. She had finally got Luke Simms to settle down.

  My phone beeped again.

  Luke: Come off it, Elle. Who are you kidding? We both know I only had to look at you to make you wet!!

  Another message from Luke appeared as quickly as the last.

  Luke: Do you think of me when you touch yourself?

  I turned to find Abi peeking over my shoulder. ‘Reply then,’ she goaded, her eyebrow raised and arms crossed against her chest.

  Me: No, I think of my new boyfriend!

  Luke: Lucky man

  Me: Don’t text me again!

  Abi was circling me, peeking over my shoulder at just the right moment to read my final message. ‘Give me a fucking high five,’ she said, holding her arm outstretched with a look of pride splashed across her face. I gave her a high five with a smug side order of hug. ‘What a fucknugget.’

  Three days later, I changed my phone number.

  Imaginary fist pump.

  Chapter Forty-Three

  I returned home late that night to find a familiar envelope taped to the front door. Inside was a hand written letter and a photograph of the two of us looking happy, smiling, and carefree from our day at the coast before my breakdown, before the stabbing, and before Luke fucked us up even more than even I had managed to do, I was delicately feeling my way around this new relationship, afraid of knocking down walls that we had both built over the years. I smiled when I thought about the end results and the potential for something so life changing to happen I wouldn’t recognise myself from before.

  Dear Elle,

  I wrote this letter as I needed an outlet and writing provides that. I’ve written everything that I wanted you to know about me. It doesn’t matter that I never thought you would read it. I just needed to let it out.

  Read it with an open mind. I’ve accepted it as my story but it doesn’t need to define me.

  But you? You define me…

  His words, made me shiver. I shivered at the love he had poured into the letter, at words that were perfect, words that were heartfelt, words that were only written for me. He had opened himself up to me, displaying his soul, revealing his darkest moments. I didn’t need any persuasion to let this beautiful boy into my life.

  I have kept it under my bed for the last few weeks, unsure if I would ever give it to you. I knew that would only happen if I thought we had a chance at this. I really want you and me to be an ‘us.’

  I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I just want you to know everything. I’m giving all of myself to you, no restrictions, no fears. Just me.

  Forever yours

  Ben

  I jumped back into my car, sent him a text message to ask for his address, and drove across town to his house.

  Me: Meet me outside

  His place looked like a hotel, except it wasn’t five star luxury. It was most definitely budget accommodation. It loomed over the street, whitewashed brick with black touches where someone had tried to give it a decidedly DIY Tudor feel. Built onto the side were an out of place PVC porch and a garage that looked like it would crumble to the ground if you tried to open the door.

  I waited until a dark figure caught my eye in front of the glass. When Ben opened the front door, our eyes met as he sought me out in the darkness. He was wearing a black t-shirt and checked Calvin Klein lounge pants, obviously not expecting me to turn up at his house close to midnight. He had a sexy, sleepy look about him, but as soon as he saw me, his smile was bright and alert.

  Time slowed down as I walked towards him. Any doubts that I’d held had shifted and all that I desired was now standing right in front of me.

  ‘You found the letter.’

  He knew I was standing in front of him because of that letter. His beautiful words had brought me to him.

  ‘I needed to see you. I needed to thank you. No one has ever opened up to me like that before. It was sad, but absolutely beautiful.’

  I didn’t get to finish as Ben’s lips crashed into mine, taking me by surprise. I instinctively wrapped my fingers around his as he pushed his hands firmly against the back of my neck, dragging his fingers down the highly alert skin, making me break out in goosebumps.

  ‘I can’t wait any longer,’ I whispered, leaning my head back, inviting him to take me in, to take more of me.

  We took slow steps as we crept up the stairs to his room. The background noise of other people’s lives echoed around the walls. TVs, music, running water, muffled phone conversations, and the faint tap of typing. These noises all offered little distraction as he pushed me against the wall, kissing me passionately, our moans adding to the noises of the house.

  ‘You’re going to hate my room,’ he said, panting as he pulled back.

  ‘I won’t. Take me there, otherwise we’re going to end up giving your roommates a show,’ I said, gazing at his perfect face.

  Ben was watchful as he led me into the tiny space that was his room. Quite simply, it was a box room with barely enough floor space for a wardrobe and bed. His computer sat pride of place on the floor with a pile of books next to it. A framed Star Wars poster that looked like it had been signed by some of the cast took up most of the wall space.

  ‘It’s not much, but this is what I’ve called home for the past four years,’ he said, taking a step away from me. ‘My grandma paid my rent until I graduated.’

  ‘She looked out for you,’ I said, taking his hand in mine, trying to keep the connection, hoping he would feel that I wasn’t going to run.

  ‘Yeah, she hates my stepdad. That’s probably why I love he
r. Plus she’s as mad as a box of frogs,’ he laughed.

  He dropped my hand and suddenly seemed lost and lonely. Not the strong, panting man who had just put his hands down the back of my trousers on the stairs. I wanted to reach out to him and pull him into my arms, but he had closed himself off, crossing his arms defensively across his chest.

  ‘Its fine,’ I lied. ‘It’s your space, so I love it.’ The truth was in there somewhere.

  The room smelled of him. I could recognise the smell of his aftershave anywhere. The letter I read just half an hour ago smelled of him. Never had the term signature scent fitted so perfectly. No matter what the future held for Ben and I, I knew that if I caught his scent in the air, walking past a perfume counter, or on another man, I would immediately arrive back to this moment, back to wonderful memories of the man who wrote me the wondrous letters.

  ‘You can lie on the bed if you want. Watch some TV?’ He pushed his hands in his pockets, still clearly embarrassed to show me his room.

  ‘Lie with me.’

  He got on the bed and held out his hand, our bodies stretched out side-by-side. He gave me a dazzling Ben smile. I reciprocated as he pushed the hair that had fallen out of my ponytail behind my ears.

  ‘You know what I love the most when you smile at me? I love that it belongs to me. That it’s there because of me.’ He pushed his lips against mine and we met each other in the middle as the desire and pent up frustration that we had held on to for so long burst out of us, clashing together in that beautiful moment.

  Ben worked his hands towards the back of my head, grabbing my hair tie and pulling it out, letting my hair fall over my shoulders.

  ‘I love your hair down.’ His voice rasped between heavy breaths as he grabbed my hair in his fist and gently pulled my head to meet his mouth. I Intuitively opened to let his tongue inside. We explored each other, only breaking the contact briefly when he softly kissed his way down the sensitive flesh of my neck.

  ‘You’re beautiful. Perfect. Mine,’ he whispered.

  My leg hooked round his waist, entitling me to feel his hardness through his clothes. He felt big. Not averagely big. Big and thick and hard.

  As he thrust his hips towards me, I gained the gratifying friction just in the spot where I needed it the most.

  We lost ourselves in our kisses. He obviously had a thing for bare skin because he paid lots of attention to my shoulders, neck, and back. Kissing, licking and biting his way across those sensitive spots, causing goosebumps and an intense ache to filter through the nerves in the whole of my body.

  He didn’t attempt to take off my clothes, but he did pull down my top to expose my shoulders, giving him more access to explore my skin.

  He seemed tentative and nervous. His movements were slow and measured. Thoughtful even.

  As my top fell away from my shoulders, he pulled the corner of my dressing and traced the angry, raised scar with his fingertips, kissing every inch of it.

  I would never be self conscious of that scar.

  He made me feel like it was the prettiest painting, an intricate tattoo, or a colourful photograph.

  ‘Can I take it off?’ he whispered in my ear. I slowly nodded my head and bit the corner of my lip in anticipation. We bumped heads as he pulled the fabric over my head, causing us to pause as we broke out into nervous laughter.

  My annoyingly analytical head stepped forward and planted a seed of doubt in my mind. When I slept with Luke for the first time, it wasn’t just a night of sex. It was sex that would take my virginity. I didn’t know what to expect. The ridiculous cliché of feeling different and womanly after popping your cherry was actually bloody accurate. Now I was more experienced, sex with Ben introduced a whole new heap of different scenarios to navigate my way around.

  I wanted it to be amazing. Mind blowing. I wanted this beautiful man to find me sexy and adorable, so much so that he couldn’t keep his hands off me. What if he didn’t like the goods I had to offer? Did he like dirty talk? If I dived in with talk of pussies and cocks, I could have the loss of an erection on my hands. I couldn’t imagine that was ever a good thing.

  Oh God, what was acceptable behaviour if he lost a boner? Should I tap it and say we can try again later? Or should I shrivel up with mortification and slip out of the door, never to attempt sex again?

  OK, let’s talk moans, groans, pants, oh fucks, and general sex noises.

  Would I wake the student in the adjacent bedroom if I were too loud? Would the banging of the headboard against the wall result in furious knocks on the door due to disturbed sleep? Or more disturbingly, would it turn them on and encourage their own party for one?

  How loud was too loud?

  I found it difficult to be quiet when an orgasm shook through me, but I had never had sex with an audience, whether willing or forced participants.

  ‘Don’t think. Let’s just let it happen,’ he smiled as he resumed kissing the flesh of my breasts that threatened to spill over the cups of my bra. ‘That’s my plan anyway.’

  Fuck, his movements were fluid and precise. They were thoughtfully executed and trained to drive a woman wild with desire.

  I felt his hands move round to my back. I sighed deeply as he unclasped my bra.

  He groaned loudly as my breasts were set free before him. He looked at me with so much intent that I couldn’t help but feel like the only woman alive.

  I finally came apart when he took my nipple in his mouth, rolling his tongue over the stiff peak. He showed his full appreciation when small moans escaped from deep at the back of his throat.

  I wanted to watch him at work. I had a sudden urge to film us. I had never before had the slightest inclination to film myself having sex. The thought of scrutinising wobbly bits and viewing my come face for the first time totally turned me off. But my overwhelming desire to watch Ben caused the hairs on my arms to stand to attention.

  He was so skilful and so fucking sexy that I wanted to dig my nails into his chest, marking him as mine.

  ‘Your breasts are perfect,’ he moaned, sucking my nipples with frenzied enthusiasm. ‘So perfect. How have we gone so long without doing this? How have I gone so long? I’m a fucking gentleman to leave you alone for so long.’

  I laughed as I moved my neck towards his lips. ‘It’s got nothing to do with being a gentleman, and everything to do with my neurotic tendencies keeping you away. What the hell was I thinking?’ I said, enjoying the flick of his tongue on, around, and under every-fucking-where.

  ‘You don’t need to think anymore. In fact, don’t think again. Thinking is dangerous. Thinking only causes misery and pain. I’m over pain. Give me fucking pleasure.’

  I needed him and he needed me. I could feel it in every touch.

  When my hands found their way to his pants, I couldn’t stop myself from pulling on them to free the hardness I knew was under there. I froze as he held my wrists with both hands and pulled back.

  ‘Don’t rush. I want to savour this.’ As his lips brushed up my neck, I could feel that he was smiling. Despite his words, he voluntarily lifted his body to help me take off his trousers. Grey Calvin Klein boxers came into view. My body tensed when I saw the wet patches of pre-come stippled across the front. He quickly removed them, freeing his cock.

  He saw my eyes fixed on his cock.

  ‘Don’t be embarrassed,’ I murmured into his ear, desperately wanting to tell him that those little droplets of pre come were making my legs light and were firing my arousal. His fingers slid down the waistband of my jeans. He couldn’t get to where he was aiming for, so he started unbuttoning my jeans with trembling fingers.

  His eyes grew wide as he took in my black lace thong, causing his erection to pulse towards his stomach. His cock was beautiful. I had never thought of a cock as being beautiful before, but I would have gladly taken a picture and used it as a screensaver if I thought I could get away with it.

  Placing my hand around the base, I started to move it up and down. He growled so lou
dly it made me jump. I wanted to take it all in my mouth, tasting him and licking the desire that was leaking out of his tip.

  I increased the pace and leant down to flick my tongue over the head of his cock.

  ‘Elle, you need to stop or I’m going to come. I want to be inside you when I come,’ he panted with desire, his eyes squeezed tightly shut, his face contorted in pleasure. He had never looked so handsome.

  He softly moved my hand away with lazy fingers. He kissed my palm before quickly grabbing onto the hook of my hip with his fingers, rolling me further towards him. I climbed onto him and lay with my back on his chest. The beautiful boy underneath me found my ticklish spot when his fingers traced a pattern down my stomach.

  ‘Are you ticklish? Fuck me! I’ve found your secret. I hold the power to make you give in to my every demand just by sweeping my fingers over here. Like this.’ It was painful, ticklish pleasure.

  ‘Oh God,’ I said, breathless as he found his way down to my underwear, pulling the triangular piece of lace to the side and exposing my pussy, slowly moving his fingers over my clit. He knew exactly where to touch, where to press, and how much pressure to apply. I had never been so turned on.

  Kneading my breast with his other hand, he kissed my neck, but the sensations all at once were too much. I could feel my orgasm building, burning the soles of my feet. What was happening to my body? I had never felt this way before—so intense, so powerful.

  ‘You’re wet,’ he whispered into my ear. ‘Is that what I do to you?’

  His words were my undoing. I came with a shout, curling my legs up to my chest as I rode the tremors of my orgasm. Ben continued kissing my neck and tracing lazy circles on my stomach with his fingers, whispering how beautiful I was, how he wanted my mouth on his cock, and how he couldn’t wait to make love to me. I wanted to stay in that moment for the rest of my life.

  I rolled onto my side, dizzy and exhilarated from my orgasm. Ben reached down and opened a drawer by his bed. He held up a condom and asked me if I would put it on him. I had never done that before, but he insisted.