Running Away (Finding Your Place Book 2)

by Rebecca Barber

  “Take your time, Mia. You know you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.” I meant every word. I knew it the moment I said them.

  “Shit! I didn’t want to do this.”

  Glancing across at Mia, I couldn’t stand it a moment longer. “Then don’t.” It was that simple. If the words were going to hurt her, I was not going to make her say them. No matter how desperate I was to know, I couldn’t put her through that. Without letting her stew, I sprang to my feet, dragging her up with me. “Now, I made pancakes, so let’s eat.”

  A moment later, Mia was seated at the breakfast bar, sipping coffee and nibbling on pancakes drenched in thick, sticky maple syrup. I’d like to say she was enjoying them, but she was simply pushing them around her plate.

  “Last night was awesome,” I said.

  “Awesome?”

  “Yep! Coming home to a very pretty girl snoring in my bed.”

  “Pretty girl…hey,” she teased as she slid from the stool and started clearing the plates.

  I watched her moving about my kitchen and it seemed so, so domestic. Everything about this just felt right. “So…there’s something I should probably tell you.”

  Mia dropped the dishtowel and her face fell. “That sounds ominous.”

  Without hesitation, I swept her into my arms and lifted her onto the island bench, stepping between her legs, my hands holding firm on her hips. “Don’t think like that. You have a nasty habit, Tinkerbell, of jumping to the worst possible conclusion, did you know that?”

  She nodded softly. “Always have.”

  “We’ll work on that later, but right now I need to tell you that I’m now officially an unemployed bum.”

  Mia pulled back quickly. “You lost your job? How? But I thought…“

  “So little faith.” I chuckled. Now she really did look confused. “Nah, nothing that dramatic. I just realized I didn’t want to do this anymore. Or I should say, I want more from my life. I can’t spend all my time tossing drunks onto the street.”

  “Oh.”

  “The truth was I never intended to do it long term anyway. It was just some way to kill time and you know, pay the bills.”

  “I don’t get it.”

  At least she was honest. “When I moved to Melbourne, I really had no plans. I mean, it wasn’t something I ever thought I’d do. But when everything went down last year, Zoe needed me. So I put everything on hold and brought her back. Don’t get me wrong, I’d do it again in a heartbeat, but in the last couple of weeks, the real Zoe’s starting to come back. She’s moving on with her life. Now I can too.”

  “Is that what the letter in your room is?”

  Fuck me! I hadn’t seen that coming. I was expecting Mia to come up with questions and objections, not to simply accept what I was telling her and keep pushing forward. I underestimated the firecracker. Again.

  “You saw that?” It came out as a question. Mia looked away, embarrassed. I really didn’t care. I mean, I’d invited her into my room unsupervised. I would be a complete moron if I hadn’t expected her to snoop about a bit. That’s what women did. “Yeah. It’s something that’s been in the pipeline for a couple of months now.”

  “Does Zoe know?”

  Now it was my turn to be shocked. Stepping back, I braced myself against the bench. Mia’s first concern was for Zoe. Someone she barely knew. Yet she still cared.

  “No.”

  “Okay.”

  “I’m not hiding it from her.” For some reason I felt the compulsion to explain. I didn’t want Mia thinking I was a heartless bastard. Or a coward. “I’m not, I just, I guess I needed to be sure of the decision I was making before I told her. There’s no point upsetting her or making this harder if I don’t have to.”

  “Sure, I get that. I do…but, if you quit your job, I’m guessing that decisions have been made now.”

  I was shit at this. I thought I’d explained myself. Obviously not. Or if I had, not well enough. This was not a conversation I wanted to have, not with that much distance between us. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I did know I wanted Mia beside me no matter what the next step looked like. It was terrifying. I barely knew her, but her opinion mattered…perhaps more than my own. Sticking my hand out, I was relieved when she dropped her delicate hand into mine. Yanking her down off the bench, I led her towards the lounge before flopping down, pulling her into my lap, and wrapping my arms around her. I needed her close. To feel her. Her warmth. Her breath. Her steady heartbeat calming me.

  “When everything went to shit last year…” I coughed. This was harder than I could have ever imagined. “I took a leave of absence. I wanted to quit. Just walk away and never look back. They talked me into taking leave instead. I didn’t really give a toss either way. I just needed to get out of there. And Zoe needed me. So I packed up and moved here. It was always there, though. An option, floating in the back of my mind. I never intended to go back…”

  “Now you are.”

  “I am what?”

  “Thinking about it. Considering going back?”

  “I can’t help it,” I admitted. “It’s home, you know? It’s what I always wanted to do. Be a cop. Raise my family in a small town. Have them grow up where they were safe and free. Let them have the sort of upbringing that we did. I had an amazing childhood, Mia. I loved it. If Spencer hadn’t…if he hadn’t, I never would have left. Now Zoe’s back on her feet, so I’m thinking that maybe, maybe it’s time for me to stop running and go home.”

  Chapter 30

  Mia

  I felt sick. Like I physically wanted to throw up pancakes all over the coffee table. I tried to wriggle from Derek’s grasp, but he was holding tight. Everything he said made perfect sense…it really did. But the stupid, insecure girl inside of me wouldn’t shut up, wondering where I fitted in with his life plan. I mean, with each word he spoke, the more I realized that I couldn’t be the girl he built a life with.

  “Home.” I choked the word out. It tasted bitter on my tongue.

  I was the biggest idiot on the planet. Of course he wouldn’t be thinking about me while he weighed up the pros and cons of returning to the life he’d always wanted. The life he’d put on hold to help a friend. Zoe was one lucky bitch. And I’d happily remind her of that next time I saw her.

  “Yeah, it’s my home.”

  I fought harder for my freedom. I saw the look of confusion cross Derek’s face, but he relented, letting me scramble from his lap. I knew the words I needed to say. It didn’t mean I wanted to, yet they had to be said. Wrapping my arms around my stomach, I tried to hold myself together. It was stupid. I was stupid. I barely knew Derek. We’d had two dates. It was hardly a life-altering relationship. Only in my head was it something more. Something much more. I couldn’t be pissed at Derek for not being where I was. I shouldn’t. It didn’t mean I wasn’t, though. Unable to look at him, I stared out the window, watching the fluffy white clouds float across the sky. “Then you should go home.”

  A heavy silence hung over the room, suffocating me. I couldn’t turn around. I didn’t want to see the relief on his face. I wanted to fall apart. I wanted to cry. I wanted to leap into Derek’s arms so he could assure me that all the thoughts I was having, all the ideas skating through my head were wrong. He didn’t say a word. My heart shattered in my chest. I felt the exact moment it splintered into a thousand tiny pieces. Nothing had ever hurt like that before.

  Sucking in the deepest breath I could manage, I spun around and looked at him. He was hunched over on the lounge, staring at the floor. It was almost as if he was searching for answers in the floorboards. Like they held a secret. Straightening my spine, I walked past him and collected my bag from his room, swiftly changing my shirt before making my way back to the main room. He hadn’t moved. Not an inch. I didn’t know if he was going to. The romantic daydreamer inside of me prayed he’d leap from the couch and beg me not to go. That I’d gotten it wrong. That he wasn’t letting me go. That he wasn’t goin
g to watch me leave.

  He didn’t flinch.

  Summoning all the strength I had, and some I wasn’t aware that I did, I moved towards him and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. Not once did he look up. “Go home, Derek. Be happy,” I whispered before I moved through the house and out the front door.

  Luckily, I was able to hold the tears until I reached fresh air.

  Somehow I managed to stumble my way out to the street and climb in my car. Twenty minutes later, I pulled into the car park across from the gym. I couldn’t remember anything about the drive across town. I hate that my heart hurt. That my head hurt. This was the reason I stayed in my bubble. It might be lonely, but it was better than this. Anything was better than this.

  Grabbing my bag from the backseat, I headed inside, needing to punch something. Today was not my day. The moment I stepped into the change room, I found it was deserted, except for one person. The one person, more than any other, I wanted to avoid right now. Zoe. None of this was her fault and I knew it, but I still blamed her. I couldn’t help it. Everything was her fault. She was responsible for bringing Derek into my town. My gym. My life. My heart. I had to blame someone. Unfortunately for Zoe, she was it.

  I had no idea how much she knew, but I knew it wasn’t my place to be the one to tell her. “Hey. I didn’t expect to see you here today.” She grinned smugly.

  I knew what she was thinking. Hell, in my mind, I’d planned to be spending the day very differently too. “Yeah. After all those chocolates and ice cream last night I need to burn off those calories!” I lied, wiping my eyes. I hoped there was no trace of my misery on my face.

  “Great. Well, I’m heading home. Have fun!”

  “Zoe?”

  I don’t know what caused me to call her back. Perhaps it was my own misery that made me want to shield her. Perhaps it was knowing what Derek had done and given up to help her through the past couple of months.

  “Yep?” Zoe spun around, curiosity etched on her face.

  “Want a job?”

  “What?”

  “Do you want a job?”

  “What? Here?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Doing what? I mean, you know I’m not qualified or trained to do…well, anything really.”

  Inwardly I cringed. This girl had no faith in herself. I knew why Derek was always around to protect her. It was infectious. If he was leaving, someone else would need to look out for her. Zoe was too good of a person to let fall apart. She’d been through enough. It was time for her to have a life filled with good stuff.

  “The admin stuff. Honestly, I hate it. It takes up time I don’t have. I’m shit at it. More than anything I want some time to do other things. For the last couple of years, my whole life revolved around getting this place off the ground. I kinda want a minute to just…breathe.”

  “And maybe spend time with a certain someone?” Zoe teased.

  I offered her a weak smile. It was all I could muster. “What do you think?”

  “If you’re serious―”

  “I am.”

  “I’d love to. Just tell me when and where and I’ll be there!”

  I swear Zoe was bouncing where she stood. She didn’t give me a chance to respond or move before she tugged me into a tight hug, almost cutting off my oxygen.

  “Thanks, Mia! Can’t wait!” she squeaked. Happiness radiated off her and I couldn’t help but feel a little better about everything. The old adage was true. Making someone else smile lightened your heart. It’s exactly what happened. I shook my head as I watched her skip out the door. I waited ’til the moment she was gone before I dropped down on the bench and toed off my shoes.

  Resting my head in my hands, I realized how devastated I was. I hated that I was. I hated that I didn’t understand it. More than anything, I hated that I’d opened myself up only to end up broken. Again. Even if Derek didn’t know it, and my secret hope was that he never would, I was devastated. I don’t even know if he knew how much his words had hurt me earlier. I felt like a coward for running, but in the moment, I couldn’t see any other option. I needed space to fall apart. He didn’t need to be a witness to my pathetic emotions. He was doing this because it was his dream. I couldn’t stand in the way of that. I wouldn’t. It didn’t mean though, I had to like it. Not even for a second.

  Wiping away a stray tear, I found I hated myself more than I ever had before. I hated being weak. It pissed me off. I hated that I cared. About Derek. About a future. About anything, really. It was so much easier, so much safer living in a bubble and not giving a shit about any of it.

  As my luck would have it, the bubble burst. All the feelings and emotions I’d buried long ago, the ones I promised myself were locked away, never to be seen again, they were back haunting me. Bastards. Caring sucked. Somehow in a few short weeks I started caring again. I wanted to scream. There was something about Derek and Zoe, I couldn’t help it.

  Forty-five minutes later and I was covered in a slick layer of sweat and panting. Hard. I’d been trying to out run my thoughts. It’d worked for a while. Right up until the moment I stopped running. My wobbly legs were barely keeping me upright. As quick as possible, I grabbed my stuff and headed home. I was tired and cranky and aching. And I needed food. I was bordering on hangry.

  Hours turned into days. Days turned into weeks. Zoe and I still met for coffee every week. She’d taken over the admin in the gym and I could barely remember how I’d coped without her. There was something still going on with Josie, and if I could have gotten my hands around her scrawny neck I would have strangled her. She’d dodged every single one of my million attempts to get together. Sure, we still talked all the time and we messaged on Facebook or via text, but I hadn’t seen her. She’d even stopped coming to Mum and Dad’s. I spent countless hours wondering what I’d done wrong. Trying to put my finger on it, I just kept drawing a blank. Somewhere around my eighty-seventh message I’d stopped asking. It hurt like hell, but there wasn’t much I could do.

  Then there was Derek. It was no secret I’d freaked and run like my ass was on fire. For some reason he hadn’t held it against me, but it changed everything. There’d been no more romantic dates. Even our once flirty text messages had cooled. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed, yet I had no idea what to do. We’d fallen into a safe, comfortable friendship and while I loved it, I hated it. The days he came to pick Zoe up were the worst. He’d offer me this sad, bullshit half smile that didn’t reach his eyes before spouting meaningless pleasantries. He’d say hi, ask about my day, and then disappear again. I’d head home, slip into my pyjamas, then throw his leather jacket over it all. I should have given it back, I knew that―but for some ridiculous reason I didn’t understand I couldn’t bring myself to return it. It had stopped smelling like Derek long ago. It didn’t matter. I wore it anyway.

  “Hey Mia?” Zoe called out as I headed out for the day.

  After teaching two self-defence classes and a yoga class, I’d exhausted myself on the elliptical. I was still amazed at how different my life was these days. Since Zoe had taken on all the crappy jobs around the gym, computerizing the memberships, dealing with the suppliers, and paying the invoices, I got to do the fun stuff again. The stuff I enjoyed. The whole reason I started this place. I wanted to teach other women how to defend themselves. To give them a sense of security and belief that they could protect themselves. I wanted to make sure no one ever had to go through what I did again. It felt fucking fantastic.

  “Yep.”

  “Since it’s your weekend off…”

  “How did you know?”

  “Well duh, I do the rosters, remember?”

  “Oh yeah.”

  “Anyway, what are your plans?”

  “Nothing exciting. Why’s that?”

  Zoe looked nervous. I could tell she wanted to say something, but didn’t have the courage. Even though Zoe and I were somewhat friends now and I watched her come out of her self-imposed shell, sometimes when she didn�
�t think anyone was looking I caught a glimpse of the same terrified girl who’d been dragged kicking and screaming through my door months earlier.

  I watched as she swallowed heavily and squared her shoulders, fortifying herself. “Did you want to come over? We can grab some take out and ice cream and a couple of those cheesy chick flicks and just hang.”

  “Zoe…” I heard my voice crack.

  Before I had a chance to add anything, Zoe waved away my objection with the flick of her wrist. “Derek’s gone for the week. So, don’t say no just because you’re avoiding him.”

  “I wasn’t…”

  “Bullshit!”

  “I didn’t…”

  “I don’t know what the fuck is going on with you two, but your circling each other is driving me insane.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Mia, I know you’re my boss, but seriously! I don’t know what happened. What you want to happen. Or even what didn’t happen. And honestly it doesn’t even matter anymore. Neither of you ask about the other, but at the mention of Derek’s name, you perk right up.”

  “I do not!” I protested adamantly. Maybe a little too adamantly.

  “Sweetie, you just did.”

  I watched as Zoe shook her head slowly. What a bitch! She might have been right, but that didn’t mean I wanted to be reminded. I didn’t need to be.

  “Where’s he gone, anyway?”

  “He said he had some stuff to take care of.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah, he was kinda vague, but then again he’s been acting really weird over the last couple of days. Who knows, really.”

  I couldn’t help but be curious. “So, what time tonight? And more importantly, what do I bring?”

  Zoe smiled the widest, cheesiest grin I’d ever seen. She knew she’d won. “About seven? You bring the ice cream, I’ll get the wine.”

  “Sounds perfect.”

  I didn’t realize how much I wanted to do it until the words left my mouth. It really did sound fun. Just what I needed. A night of laughs, good company, good wine, and hopefully a few hot men on TV.