How To Save A Life

by Andria Large

I can barely breathe, let alone talk. I’m not repulsed by it at all. I actually love the idea of kissing Ferris. I’m mostly mortified that I acted like that in public, in a town where word gets around. And that I admitted to Ferris about that part of me while I was drunk, when I can barely admit that shit to myself while sober. But none of that has anything to do with why I’m heaving my guts up right now. That’s the alcohol’s fault.

  “Don’t…go,” I manage in between heaves.

  I can’t let Ferris walk out thinking that I’m tossing my cookies because we kissed. I have no idea if he heard me or not because I don’t get an answer.

  By the time I’m done, my throat is raw, my abs are on fire, and I’m completely exhausted. I shakily climb to my feet and go to the sink to scrub my teeth and mouth until it's squeaky clean. Fuck, I’m so weak. My legs feel like they are about to give out. I scrub my teeth and tongue as best as I can then slowly make my way back into my room. Dammit, hangovers suck major donkey balls.

  Ferris is nowhere to be seen. I sigh, what a mess. I climb back into bed and pull the covers up to my waist. I don’t have the energy to go after him right now. I’m just about to fall back to sleep when my bedroom door quietly opens and closes. Too tired to open my eyes to see who it is, I just lie there and wait.

  “Here, I got you some Gatorade, you’re probably dehydrated,” Ferris mutters begrudgingly.

  I reach out my hand, hoping that he will take it.

  “I’m sorry,” I croak. “I didn’t throw up because of us kissing, I swear. I was nauseous the moment I woke up and I couldn’t hold it back any longer. The timing was just bad.”

  Ferris’ fingers brush against mine, sending little shocks up my arm. “Sit up a little bit and drink some of this,” he murmurs softly, ignoring what I just said.

  I crack an eye open to look up at him. “Did you hear me?”

  He nods, his face inscrutable. “Yeah, now sit up.”

  With Ferris’ help, I sit up. He hands me the bottle of Gatorade. I take a couple of small sips, watching him carefully. I can’t figure out what the guy is thinking.

  “You’re not going to say anything about what I just said?” I ask.

  “I may have overreacted a little bit, too. As you said, the timing was bad. I mean, I tell you that we kissed and then you’re literally running to the bathroom to puke. My mind went straight to ‘He’s throwing up because he thinks kissing me is disgusting.’”

  I shake my head. “No, I don’t think that at all,” I reply quietly.

  Shit, now would be the perfect time to reiterate what I had said last night, but I don’t know if I can bring myself to do it just yet. I’m still finding it hard to allow my attraction to men come to the surface.

  Ferris sits down on the bed next to me. “I’m sorry. I was already flustered about something that happened earlier, and this didn’t help.”

  I frown. “What happened earlier?”

  He sets his feet up on the side rail of the bed frame then props his elbows on his knees before dropping his head into his hands. He makes an aggravated noise and shoves his fingers through his hair.

  “I took Spencer to the supermarket to stock up your fridge and I saw one of my brothers there,” he supplies.

  “One who you haven’t seen in three years?” I ask dryly.

  He nods. “Yeah.”

  “And? Did he see you?” I prod.

  “Yeah. He had a two year old with him that was his son. He said some nasty things, but Spencer gave him an earful,” he finishes with a small lopsided smile.

  I shake my head. “That kid is too much sometimes.” I chuckle.

  “Right. Him and the studies he always seems to know about.” Ferris laughs.

  I bark out a laugh. “He’s on the internet way too much.”

  “He was really great, though. He stuck up for me when I felt like falling apart. My family is moving on without me, having kids that I’ll never get to meet, loving each other, but not me…” he trails off. His voice cracked a little at the end, which has my heart breaking.

  I shift closer to him. “Hey, come here,” I murmur, pulling my friend into my arms.

  I hug him from the side so that his shoulder is against my chest. Ferris leans into me, dropping his head to my shoulder. I nuzzle my face into the back of his neck.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

  Ferris nods against my shoulder and pulls in a shaky breath. After a long couple of minutes, he pulls back, and I reluctantly let him go. When I see the silent tears running down his cheeks, I can’t stop what I do next. I cup his face and use my thumbs to wipe away the tears. Ferris searches my eyes, looking confused and unsure as to what is going on at the moment. I’m not really sure, either; I’m just doing what feels right. And touching him feels right.

  “I don’t like seeing you so upset,” I whisper.

  His gaze softens and his hands come up to cover mine. He laces our fingers together then turns his head and presses a soft kiss to the palm of my right hand. An erotic thrill shoots through my body, making my cock twitch to life. My breath catches as he does the same to my other hand.

  “This helps make me feel better,” Ferris rumbles, his voice turning into a seductive purr as his lust-filled eyes bore into mine.

  Holy shit!

  “You know, you also told me last night that you thought I was sexy as fuck, and that you wanted to kiss me again. Is that still true now that you’re sober?” he asks quietly, his eyes lowering to stare at my mouth.

  I can’t find my voice. My heart has taken off into a sprint and every word that Ferris speaks is making my dick harder and harder, so yeah, I’d say that what I said while drunk is still true. I nod, swallowing hard.

  Ferris reaches out and ever so slowly drags his thumb along my bottom lip. “I’ve been dying to kiss you since I first laid eyes on you,” he breathes.

  His hand drops to my thigh and slowly creeps up toward my groin. My breathing is now coming in harsh pants as I wait for Ferris to do something.

  Of course, being the day of bad timing, before either of us can do anything, there is a knock on the bedroom door. Both of us jerk away from each other. I move back, putting my back against the headboard, and yank my pillow onto my lap to hide the raging hard-on that I have. Ferris eyes the pillow as if it’s evil, before turning to look at Spencer, who is walking into the room.

  “Hey, Bud, what’s up?” I ask with a tight smile.

  “Just making sure you’re alive.” Spencer smirks.

  Spencer comes to stand at the end of the bed. He glances at Ferris before looking back at me.

  “What are you guys doing?”

  “Nothing,” I blurt a little too quickly, making Spencer give me a suspicious look. “We’re just talking.” I add in hopes to make up for my mistake.

  Spencer looks at Ferris. “You tell him about your brother?”

  Ferris nods. “Yeah.”

  Spencer frowns and nods in understanding. “Alright, I just wanted to check on you. I was worried about you last night. I’ll let you guys talk, though,” he says.

  "I'm sorry, Spence. I never meant to get that drunk, and I definitely never meant to scare you. I kind of let myself go last night. I promise, it will never happen again."

  "It's okay, Dad. I'm glad you're feeling better." He gives me a soft smile and starts for the door.

  “Thanks, Spencer,” I call after him.

  Spencer gives me another small smile before walking out and shutting the door behind him. I shift my gaze to Ferris, who stands.

  “I better get going,” he says, his tone telling me that he’s closed himself off.

  “You don’t have to go,” I reply, trying not to sound desperate.

  “I really should. You need to recover. We’ll talk later about…this…” he murmurs and motions to the two of us with his hand before he heads for the door.

  Again, I can’t find my words. I don’t want to beg him to stay because that would seem desperate and needy. Ferris give
s me one more glance before walking out and closing the door behind him. What the hell just happened? We were just about to...I don't know what, but it was going to be something, and now it feels like Ferris just put the Grand Canyon between us.

  +

  FERRIS

  My head is a fucking mess. There are too many conflicting emotions going on in there right now. The idea of Ezra liking men and his apparent attraction to me is fucking me up. I thought he was straight, but then he got a fucking hard-on because of a few little touches. Now, I’m going insane with the need to turn him on again.

  “What the fuck!” I cry in frustration and kick my couch.

  I’ve been pacing in my living room ever since I got back from Ezra’s about an hour ago. Everything was going good until Spencer walked in and doused me with a bucket of reality. The way Ezra quickly moved away told me that he’s deep down in the closet. He obviously doesn’t even want his own son to know. I’m not sure I want to get involved with a closeted guy because that opens all kinds of doors to getting hurt. I’m already crushing on him, so taking things further would only intensify my feelings for the man. What if he decides guys really aren’t for him and would rather be with a woman? What if he does like it, but doesn’t want to ever come out? I will not go back into the closet for anyone.

  If I were to take things further with Ezra then I would knowingly be setting myself up to get hurt, which would be dumb as shit on my part. But I really like him and want him so badly. We do have a lot in common and are becoming really great friends. Then there are always those “what ifs” that lean more toward the good. What if Ezra enjoys being with me and isn’t afraid to let it be known? What if he falls in love with me? What if we have a chance at being a family?

  I’m screwed, no matter what I decide. I can either set myself up for possibly getting hurt, or I can regret never knowing if something could become of us. Either way, I need space. I need space and time away from Ezra to decide what to do.

  CHAPTER

  SIX+

  FERRIS

  “Aren’t you going to answer that?” Krista asks me, cocking an eyebrow in question.

  I glance down at my phone, which is sitting on the table next to me.

  It’s Ezra. Again.

  I’ve been avoiding him for a week now. He’s been calling at least once a day, sometimes twice. He’s left a few messages, asking me to please call him back, saying that we really should talk about what’s going on. He doesn’t want to lose me as a friend and so on. I’m still not sure what to do. I don’t want to lose Ezra as a friend either, but I only have so much resistance in me, and I’m afraid I won’t be able to hold out if he keeps pushing me.

  I shake my head. “I’ll talk to him later.”

  Krista and I are at Westie’s, another bar in the area, hanging out. Krista narrows her eyes at me. She's made a couple of comments during the week about me being grumpy, but I haven’t told her anything. I’ve just been blowing it off.

  “What’s going on with you?” Krista asks seriously. “Did something happen with Ezra?”

  I sigh and shove my hair back from my face. “Kinda,” I admit.

  “Kinda? That’s all you’re going to give me?” She huffs.

  I give in and tell Krista everything that happened last weekend, confident that she will not repeat a word I say. I tell her about the kiss and what Ezra said about not being totally straight, and then the almost second kiss that got interrupted by Spencer.

  “I don’t see the problem here. You like Ezra, you think he’s hot, and now you find out he’s into guys and he’s having feelings for you, and you run? I don’t get it, I thought that’s what you wanted,” she says with a frown.

  “I do like him and want him. My problem is that I don’t want to be the guy he experiments with, decides he doesn’t like it, and then goes back to fucking women,” I practically snarl.

  “Ahhh, I see.” She nods. “Yeah, I can understand that. So, what are you going to do? You can’t avoid him forever. You should at least talk to him about it.”

  “I know, I know. I’m trying to find my balls first,” I huff.

  She chuckles but her laughter quickly dies as something catches her eye over my shoulder.

  “You better find them quick,” she warns a second before Ezra appears next to me, looking worried sick.

  “Ferris, where have you been? Did you lose your phone or something? I thought something happened to you,” he says almost frantically, his crystal blue eyes searching mine.

  Damn, he’s beautiful..

  “I needed some time to think…” I start, but he cuts me off.

  “Jesus, you could have told me that!" He rakes a frustrated hand through his hair. "Shit, you could have texted it to me. You can’t just drop off the face of the earth and expect me not to worry. I thought something happened to you. Spencer has been worried, too, especially when you cancelled the group session this week,” Ezra says, a concerned edge in his voice.

  I blink up at him in shock. I didn’t even think that Ezra and Spencer might worry about me or think something happened to me. I didn’t realize until right now how close the three of us have actually become. Thinking they might worry about me never crossed my mind once. I thought I was giving myself space and time to think about things, not once thinking about Ezra and Spencer’s feelings.

  “I…I’m sorry…” I flounder. “I wasn’t thinking.”

  I watch Ezra take a deep breath, seemingly to calm himself down. He reaches up and rubs the back of his neck.

  “Can we talk?” Ezra asks me, looking uncomfortable for the first time since he showed up.

  I look over at Krista, who gives me an encouraging nod. Ezra follows my gaze and when he sees her is sitting there, his eyes widen slightly.

  Ezra grimaces. “I’m sorry, Krista. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

  “It’s fine,” she says with a smile. “I gotta get going anyway. Sit, Ezra.”

  Krista vacates her side of the booth and pushes Ezra down into it. She sends me a wink and says she’ll see me later before she walks out, leaving me sitting alone with Ezra. My heart starts to pound and my stomach flutters nervously. He looks nervous, too. He also looks fucking sexy as hell in his light blue scrubs, which are just snug enough to show off his defined chest. They also show off his bulging biceps. I shift in my seat as my cock decides it wants to come to life.

  I glance at my watch. 9:45 pm. “Working late?”

  “Had an emergency,” he responds distractedly.

  I nod in understanding.

  “How did you know I was here?

  “I checked your house first, then Keenan’s, then figured this would be the next place you’d hang out. Since you weren’t answering your phone, I decided it was time to come look for you.”

  I wince. “I really am sorry.”

  He nods his acceptance. I didn’t realize how much I missed him, missed seeing his face, until right now.

  “Listen, this is not an easy subject for me. I’ve fought this side of myself since I was fifteen, and never thought I'd ever have the chance to act on my attraction to men. I was with Justine, and we were supposed to be together forever,” he starts, getting right to the point. “But that's all changed now, and I can’t stop fucking thinking about you. I’m so fucking attracted to you that I can barely see straight. And I honestly haven’t had these kinds of feelings for someone since my wife.”

  He sighs in frustration as he scrubs his hand over the side of his face.

  “I don’t want to use you. I’m not even sure if this is something I can ever pursue. I’m pretty sure my parents would do to me as yours did to you, and I don’t know if I can do that to Spencer. I don’t know how they are going to respond to him being gay, either,” he says softly, looking anywhere but at me.

  Damn, he’s struggling with this as much as I am.

  “Those are my biggest concerns also. I like you, Ezra. A lot. I think you’re gorgeous, sexy, smart, kind, and an amazing dad, and
if you were out and proud, I’d be all over you in a heartbeat. But as you said, you can’t promise that you will be able to pursue being with a guy. I also don’t want to be the guy you experiment with and figure out that you’d rather be with a woman after all. I’m not sure I want to risk losing your friendship over this, either. Because I know that if we take this thing further, then my feelings for you will probably turn into more than just like, and there would be no going back after that.”

  Ezra frowns hard. “You think you would fall in love with me?”

  I give him a soft smile. “I think you’d be very easy to fall in love with, Ezra.”

  Ezra’s cheeks turn bright red and he averts his eyes again. I kinda like this shy side of him. The guy can obviously be up front and say shit like it is, but then there is this other, shyer side - the part of him that he’s self-conscious about - that I adore.

  “So what do we do?” he asks quietly.

  I shake my head. “I don’t know. Maybe you should go on a couple of dates with some women and see how that goes.”

  He makes a pained face. “I really have no desire to do that,” he grunts.

  I tilt my head curiously. “What do you have a desire to do?” I ask before I can stop myself. Idiot. That should have never left my mouth.

  Ezra’s eyelids drop slightly and his gaze dips to my mouth. “To kiss you,” he states, his voice low and filled with want.

  The semi that I have been sporting since he sat down has now turned into a full-blown hard-on that is straining painfully against the fly of my jeans.

  “Dammit, Ezra, you are not making this easy,” I bite out.

  “Maybe all I need is a kiss to help me figure this out?” Ezra suggests. “I don’t remember the one when I was drunk.”

  I lean back in my seat and study his face. Oh, what the hell? At least I will get a kiss, and then if he decides he doesn’t like it, then it was only one kiss.

  “Alright, fine,” I agree. “Let’s go back to my place.”

  +

  EZRA

  By the time we walk through Ferris’ front door, I’m ready to pounce. My body is thrumming with the need to kiss him. As soon as he agreed to a kiss, my body - and mind – has been on edge. I want it so badly. This past week, all I could think about was Ferris and all of the things I wanted to do to and with him. Some of the things I was thinking made me a bit uneasy because I’d never actually done anything with a man before.