How To Save A Life

by Andria Large

  As soon as Ferris shuts the door behind us, my control snaps. I grab him by the front of his shirt and slam his back up against the front door. I stop a breath away from his mouth, our lips brushing. I have a few inches on him, but I can’t help but notice how well our bodies fit together. Ferris’ arms snake around my waist and under my scrub shirt, making me suck in a sharp breath as the warmth of his skin against mine sends a jolt of lust straight to my dick. I’ve waited fucking years to be able to kiss a man again. I’ve dreamt so many times about doing it again, and it’s finally here, staring me in the face.

  “What are you waiting for?” he goads with a devilish smirk.

  I search the man’s stunning gray eyes for a moment before leaning down to capture his lips. The groan from me is instantaneous. Yes! This is the part of me that I’ve been missing. I press my body more firmly into his, holding him against the door. As our kiss deepens, he moves his hands down to cup my ass.

  I’m lost. Lost in the taste and smell of Ferris. Lost in the feeling of our bodies pressed tightly together. Lost in the way our tongues move against each other. Just fucking lost. I let go of his shirt, smoothing my hands up the man’s chest, shoulders, and neck, until I’m able to cup his face. Ferris hums his approval.

  Feeling the other man’s erection pressed against my own, I tentatively roll my hips forward, grinding my cock against his. He gasps against my mouth, his hands tightening on my ass, pulling me in tighter.

  My mind flashes back to when I first kissed a guy when I was fifteen. I forgot how natural it was for me to kiss and touch another man like that. One kiss with Ferris is not going to be enough. Just as I am about to take things a little further, he pushes me back and holds me at an arms length.

  Panting hard, we stare at each other. “That wasn’t enough,” I rasp.

  “I was afraid you were going to say that.” He swallows hard.

  Sliding out from under me, he moves farther into the foyer of his house. He plants his hands on his hips and starts to pace. I turn and lean against the front door as I try to catch my breath and try to make sense of my jumbled thoughts.

  “Ezra, I can’t do this with you unless you are a million percent sure it’s what you want. I won’t go back into the closet for anyone, including you. I won’t keep us a secret. I would want a serious, exclusive relationship with you, and not just some fling; I like you too much.”

  I stare hard at the man I just kissed senseless and take in everything he just said. Ferris looks…determined, yet resigned, and somber. He’s not going to budge on anything he just said, that’s for sure. I don’t expect him to, but I also can’t promise to be everything that he would need me to be.

  +

  FERRIS

  Ezra’s lack of response is all I need to know what the answer is. He can’t do it. Not yet anyway. I can see the torment in his eyes. I hate the look on his face, but I’m not going to give in, no matter how much I want to be with him.

  “Go date some women, maybe even sleep with a couple. You’ve got to be positive that you want to be with a guy. You need to figure yourself out before anything can happen here. And you certainly need to decide if you are willing to come out or not.”

  Ezra drops his head back against the door and closes his eyes. “Dammit.”

  “I know that’s not something you want to do right now, but I think it’s necessary.”

  Ezra lifts his head and pins me with a pleading, almost frantic, look. “We’re still going to be friends, right?”

  I give him a gentle smile and walk over to stand in front of him. “Yes, we will still be friends.”

  He reaches out to let his fingers lightly drift down my chest. “Can I…can I kiss you one more time?” he asks, his voice barely above a whisper.

  I give him a nod. His hands immediately cup my jaw as he leans in and presses our lips together. My traitorous heart takes off in a sprint. I grab Ezra’s hips and open my mouth when the man demands entry with his tongue. He is a damn good kisser. I can’t remember the last time someone has kissed me the way Ezra does. Like he means it, really fucking wants it…wants me. It would be so easy to give in, let down all of my defenses and let him in, but it would be a disaster waiting to happen.

  Ezra slowly pulls back, leaving a few lingering kisses before separating completely. He drops his forehead to mine and sighs heavily. I can tell he’s frustrated and confused and in need of some love and affection, but I can’t be the one to give him those things right now; not until he figures out what he really wants.

  “You should go,” I say quietly and hating myself for it.

  “I don’t want to.”

  “Ezra…”

  My protest is cut off by Ezra’s lips finding mine again. Fuck me, I’m so fucking screwed. How am I supposed to keep resisting when the guy is practically throwing himself at me? Coming back to my house was a bad idea. Ezra drags his mouth down to my neck, just under my ear. I instinctively tilt my head to give him better access.

  “I haven’t felt like this about anyone in a long time,” he breathes then nips at my earlobe.

  “You’re not playing fair, Ezra,” I scold halfheartedly.

  Ignoring me, Ezra licks and sucks his way down my neck. My cock strains irritably against the zipper of my jeans and what Ezra is doing is definitely not helping. Add on the fact that I haven’t gotten laid in a while, so…yeah, I’m really struggling for control right now. My head is telling me this is a bad idea, my heart is starting to feel more than just ‘like’ toward Ezra, and my dick wants to take what’s being offered.

  My head wins out this time. I push Ezra back and put some distance between us. He looks downright sinful with his crystal blue eyes blazing with desire, his dark hair a disheveled mess, and his sexy lips glistening from our kiss.

  “You need to go, Ezra,” I tell him, more firmly this time.

  He stares at me for a moment, searching my eyes, before giving me a curt nod and walking out the door without a word. I sigh heavily and shove my hands into my hair. Why do I feel like I just made a big mistake?

  CHAPTER

  SEVEN+

  FERRIS

  I just finish setting up the chairs in a circle when kids start walking in, including Spencer, who is followed in by Ezra. I swallow hard. I haven’t seen him since we kissed at my house. We’ve texted a little bit every day, though, talking about our days and stuff.

  Spencer walks right up to me and gives me a hug. “Hi, Ferris.”

  I smile fondly. I really love this kid. “Hey, Stretch.”

  When Spencer lets me go, I look at Ezra to find him watching our exchange with a warm loving smile on his handsome face. I ignore the ache in my chest.

  “Hey, Ez,” I say.

  “Hi, Ferris.”

  “How are things?”

  “Fine.”

  Ooookay, this is awkward.

  “Alright, I’ll head out, see you in an hour and a half,” Ezra murmurs and turns to leave without another word.

  “Dude, what’s up with you and my dad?” Spencer’s voice cuts through my thoughts of kissing the shit out of his dad right here in front of everyone, as I stare at the back of the man’s head as he leaves the rec center.

  I whip my head around to look at the teenager. “What do you mean?”

  “Are you guys fighting or something? He’s been acting totally weird this past week, ever since he went looking for you at the bar. And you two barely said two words to each other just now.”

  I clear my throat uncomfortably. This is not who I want to talk about this with. “Ah, no, nothing is going on, we’re cool.”

  Spencer narrows his blue eyes that are identical to his father’s. “Bullshit.”

  I grin and shake my head. “Come on, let’s get this session started.” I put my arm around his shoulders and lead him over to the group.

  “Seriously? You’re going to avoid my question?”

  “I answered it. Nothing’s going on.”

  “And I don’t beli
eve that for one second.”

  I shrug and take my seat. Spencer follows, sitting down next to me. “I don’t know what to tell you.”

  “You can tell me why I caught my dad watching gay porn last night,” Spencer whispers fiercely.

  If I had a drink at the moment, I’d be spraying it out of my mouth. I gape at Spencer. “How the hell would I know why he was doing that? Maybe he was trying to empathize with you?”

  Spencer shakes his head. “I don’t think so. I think you two are hooking up and not telling me,” he says with an accusatory glare in my direction.

  I flounder, my mouth opening and closing a few times before I can get the words out.

  “No, we’re not. And if we were, I would definitely insist on telling you.”

  “Hey, are we going to get started?” someone asks.

  “Yes! Yes, we are,” I reply, grateful for the chance to end this conversation.

  Holy shit! Spencer is way too perceptive. I’m going to have to warn Ezra that if he doesn’t want his son knowing what the hell is going on in his life, then he needs to be more careful. And holy shit again! Ezra was watching gay porn?! I wonder if he does that often. As the session gets underway, I am forced to put my thoughts on the back burner.

  +

  EZRA

  I can’t believe I opened my big fat mouth to my mother about how I’ve been thinking about dating again. Now, here I am, driving to some woman’s house for a blind date that my mother set up. Could I have refused? Sure, but Ferris is right about me needing to figure myself out and make that final decision about if I want to be with a man or woman.

  I watched some gay porn a few nights ago, something I haven’t done since I was a teenager. I forgot how much I enjoyed watching it. I kept picturing the guys in the videos were Ferris and me, which honestly should be enough to make a decision, right? And of course Spencer walked in on me. I shut my laptop as fast as I could; I can only hope that Spencer didn’t realize what I was watching.

  Whatever, I’m hoping this date will solidify what I really want. Apparently, the woman I’m meeting is my mother’s friend’s daughter, who is also recently widowed. I’m not really thrilled to be meeting up with another person who is widowed. I don’t want to be sharing sob stories over dinner.

  I pull up to the address that my mother gave me and stare at the two-story Cape Cod style home. The fenced-in backyard is littered with young kids’ toys like tricycles, balls, those little sit and ride things for toddlers, and a small plastic Fisher Price play house that looks like a cottage. She obviously has young kids; another thing I’m unsure about. I’m not really looking to raise someone else’s kids. Spencer is grown and can practically take care of himself. I don’t need someone to come in and help raise him; that part has already been done.

  I walk up to the front door and ring the bell. A bunch of little pattering feet assault my ears from the other side of the door just before it swings open. Three young children are standing there in various stages of dress. The oldest, who looks to be five or six, is fully clothed; the middle kid, who is probably around four, is in a T-shirt and underwear; the youngest, who is most likely two, is in just a diaper. Two girls and a boy. They stare at me curiously.

  An older woman rushes up behind them. “You guys can’t just open the door like that! You don’t know who is out there!” she scolds and shoos them away.

  She looks at me and smiles. “Ezra, I presume?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “I’m your mother’s friend, Janette.” She holds out her hand for me to shake, which I do.

  “Pleasure to meet you,” I reply with a small smile.

  “Please come in. Julie is just finishing up getting ready.”

  I step into the house and close the door behind me.

  “So, three kids, huh?” I grin.

  Janette shakes her head and sighs heavily. “They’re a handful, but I love them. Julie does a wonderful job, even though it’s difficult on her own.”

  I nod in understanding. “Being a single parent is never easy.”

  “Your mother tells me about your son, Spencer, all of the time. She’s so proud of him; shows his picture to everyone she can.”

  I laugh. “Thanks. He’s a good kid.”

  A young woman starts down the steps that are directly in front of me. She’s wearing a casual summer dress, nothing overly fancy since the place we’re going to dinner at isn’t all that fancy. She looks pretty, though. She has long brown hair, which is down and flowing over her shoulders. Her eyes are also brown, and are framed with long dark lashes. She has a pretty face. She’s one of those girl next-door types - not drop-dead-gorgeous…just…pretty.

  And if I’m being honest with myself, she does nothing for me. I can remember when I first met my wife; I wanted to kiss the hell out of her as soon as I laid eyes on her. I have that same attraction to Ferris. There is something about him that just pulls me in.

  I give Julie what I hope looks like a genuine smile. “Hey, I’m Ezra.”

  Julie shakes my outstretched hand. “Hi, I’m Julie.”

  “You all set?” I ask her.

  She gives me a nod. “Yep, let me just say goodbye to the kids.”

  Julie steps into the living room to say goodbye to her kids. The two older ones start asking her a bunch of questions as to whom I am. She redirects like a pro. Once she finishes saying goodbye to her kids and mom, I escort her out to my car. Being the gentleman that I am, I open the door for her and wait for her to get in, earning me a smile.

  We have a nice dinner and conversation is easy with Julie; we have a lot in common. We talk about our kids and the spouses we lost. Julie's husband was in a car accident a year and a half ago. This is also her first date since losing him. As nice as her company is, I keep finding my mind straying to Ferris - how much we have in common, how much we enjoy each other’s company, how much Ferris loves Spencer.

  Stepping out into the breezy summer air, I pull in a deep breath. The air smells good, a mixture of salt water and cooked seafood. I shove my hands into the front pockets of my jeans and sneak a glance over at Julie, who is staring off into the distance, a small smile playing across her lips.

  “What are you thinking?” I ask quietly.

  She looks over at me. “How I’d like to invite you back to my place, but the kids are there.”

  I laugh. “Yeah, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “It’s too early to go home, though. I never go out anymore, and I’m not ready to go back.”

  I understand completely. I hold out my elbow and wait for her to slip her arm through mine. She smiles up at me in appreciation as I start walking us down the street. The main bar section of North Wildwood in only a couple of blocks away, and since it’s such a nice night, walking seems like a good choice. We can always walk back to my car when we are ready to go.

  I lead her to Westie’s. It’s not as rowdy as Keenan’s, and the crowd isn’t as young, either. Once inside, we grab an empty booth. Julie parks herself right down next to me instead of sitting across from me. I hide my surprise by grabbing a drink menu and opening it up. I don’t know what she’s thinking, but I don’t feel like I’m giving any sexual vibes out. Friendly? Yes. Sexual? No. She did say she wanted to invite me back to her place. That means only one thing in my book, she wants sex. Not that I can blame her; if she hasn’t dated anyone until now, she probably became a born again virgin.

  We order drinks, and then I fold my hands together on the tabletop, feeling a bit awkward with Julie pressed up against my side. She turns slightly toward me and places her hand on my forearm.

  “Ezra?”

  “Hmm?” I reply, looking down at her.

  “Can I please have a kiss? It’s been so long since I’ve been kissed,” she practically pleads.

  Damn, I wasn’t planning on kissing her at all, but how can I say no to that? If I hadn’t have kissed Ferris, I’d be in the same boat, not having been kissed in forever. Without answering
, I lean in toward her, stopping just shy of her lips. If she really wants it, she’s going to have to meet me the rest of the way.

  +

  FERRIS

  “Hey, isn’t that Ezra?” Krista says, motioning with her head in the direction of where all of the booths are against the wall.

  I look over in that direction and immediately wish I hadn’t. Ezra is sitting in a booth with a nice looking woman pressed up against his side. I watch as she says something to him. He then leans in, waiting all of a second for her to press her lips to his. Now, I have never considered myself a possessive or jealous person, but seeing Ezra…my Ezra…kissing someone else, has my hackles up in a flash. The kiss becomes a little more involved; I can see their tongues reach out and touch as their lips move. The woman tilts her head and slides her hand up Ezra’s chest where she clutches the side of his neck, just under his ear.

  I don’t realize I’m staring until Krista gives my shoulder a shake. “Hey, Ferris, you okay?”

  "Yeah," I mutter distractedly, unable to tear my eyes away from Ezra.

  When they part, the woman smiles broadly up at Ezra and he returns her smile with a smaller one. Then, he lifts his head and his eyes immediately crash onto mine. When he sees me staring at him, his eyes widen and his face flushes bright red. His mouth opens and closes a few times, looking like he's at a total loss. I swallow hard and try to fight back the irrational anger coursing through me. He's not mine. I have no right to be angry about him kissing someone else. But I fucking am.

  "Ferris, are you coming to sit, or not?" Krista asks irritably.

  "No. I gotta go," I grit out and turn on my heel, storming out of the bar.