Expired Regrets

by Megan C. Smith

  I looked between the two of them and then back to Jordan. Jordan was staring at me, completely oblivious to the exchange across the way. Grant, laughing, pulled Leslie closer to snuggle against his body.

  Sitting there chewing on my fingernails nervously, I tried to figure out how I’d ended up in this predicament. Damn Leslie and her ideas. Bryant ignored me when we weren’t in private, but now he didn’t want anyone else to pay me any attention. Forget that nonsense! Jordan, on the other hand? I felt like I’d known him my whole life, instantly at ease. He was a total sweetheart who I wanted to keep close.

  Looking back at Bryant, I could see he was visibly aggravated with me being nestled under Jordan’s arm. I felt guilty at playing games to make him jealous and wanted to tell him to stop being a baby and just admit he liked me. I opened my mouth to speak, but noticed Bryant’s attention was elsewhere. A sexy smile spread across his face as he focused his sultry gaze on the steps that led to the trailer. Clip clopping up was one of those girls, trying entirely too hard to look country. A red-haired vixen in Daisy Duke shorts, a red plaid button-up, and cowboy boots I could never compete with was traipsing up the stairs.

  “Bryant! Is that you?” she squealed. Her cheap floral perfume assaulted my nose, making me gag.

  “Sure is, sweetheart! Why don’t you bring that sexy ass over here and sit beside me so I can keep you warm. Eli, scoot over.”

  She walked over, damn-near sitting on Bryant’s lap, letting out a giggle as she bat her mascara-clumped eyelashes.

  Gag me!

  My eyes met Leslie’s, and she looked at me a moment with pity before Jordan pulled me into his body, regaining my attention. Turning my gaze, I looked into his hooded green eyes. The trailer jostled to a start, providing Jordan with a reason to wrap himself around me even tighter. Using his other hand, he brushed a few stray hairs out of my face before letting his hand drop to my thigh. I cringed at the intimate contact with Jordan as my heart rate accelerated. I swallowed the pain and let his sparkling green eyes soothe me. My heart was aching, knowing Bryant could so easily enjoy his time cozying up to this girl. But being with Jordan was already so much simpler, and I knew I just needed to let my heart catch up to my mind’s thinking.

  The hayride continued on as Jordan held me, his fingertips softly skimming my thigh where his hand rested. Looking across the way, Leslie and Grant were lost in one another doing a tango with their tongues, while he tried to sneak his hand up her shirt.

  I moved my eyes to Bryant, who had the redhead sucking on his earlobe and neck. His eyes trained on me with a look of arrogance on his face. My eyes met his, and his brown eyes took on a cold appearance. He gave me a smug grin dripping with contempt. Jordan brought his hand up to graze my neck, catching me off guard and causing my body to shiver.

  “You cold, beautiful?” he inquired, grabbing a blanket from the railings behind us before I could even respond. He draped it over me, covering us entirely, hiding both his hands beneath it.

  Bryant ground his jaw, raising his eyebrow at me before the redheaded vacuum made a move to regain his attention.

  Jordan turned me toward him and gave me a much needed break from the show going on across from us. He moved his eyes to my lips as his tongue darted out in anticipation. My heart stuttered. This wasn’t what I wanted; it was all too much, and my heart was clenching in fear. Just before contact, the tractor-trailer came to an abrupt halt, causing us to knock foreheads. I could smell the burning wood from the bonfire as the sound of people laughing and enjoying themselves grew louder. We were back at the stables, the hayride complete. I let out a sigh of relief, as Jordan visibly sulked at the missed opportunity.

  The corners of Bryant’s lips turned up as he snickered. Once he had the redhead peeled off him, he pointed her to the stairs. She paused, realizing he wasn’t behind her, and then stalked off to seduce her next conquest for the evening. Leslie and Grant stepped down. She winked over her shoulder as she led him off somewhere to continue where the hayride fun had left off. I got up to try to escape the whole mess that’d been created, when Jordan tried to grab my hand again.

  “Hey, I’m going to run to the ladies’ room. I’ll be back, okay?” Narrowly avoiding his hand, I turn to walk away. I started to head off, not even waiting to hear his reply. Walking down a corridor after leaving the restroom, I was shamelessly trying to hide from Jordan when my body tingled with awareness. An arm reached out and pulled me into an office I was walking by, causing me to let out a yelp.

  “Maybe you aren’t as innocent as I thought, huh, Rose?” That husky voice I loved so much angrily spewed at me as his minty breath blew on my face.

  “Bryant, I don’t even know what your issue is. I wasn’t sucking face with Jordan, unlike the show I had to witness by your little winner you picked up,” I roared at him, gaining momentum as my anger boiled inside of me. Heart still racing from being grabbed, I clung to the anger in an attempt to ignore my fear, “Besides, you walked right past me, not eve—”

  His lips were crushing mine as he growled at me, pushing me roughly against a wall. I shoved Bryant off me with all my might and felt the fear creep up and grab hold of me. He released me, and I turned to take off to get away from him.

  “Rose! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he crooned. He pulled me in to him and held my trembling body.

  Looking into his eyes, I could see them lighten to the calm color of honey that I adored.

  Releasing me, Bryant watched me skeptically as I bent over, placing my hands on my thighs, trying to drag oxygen back into my lungs.

  “Walk with me. Please?” he pleaded with sad eyes, weakening the fear I’d had seconds ago.

  I looked back the direction I’d left Jordan moments ago, feeling torn and guilty. My brain was telling me this was a bad idea, that I was about to get used and hurt again. Nevertheless, my heart begged me to take any bone Bryant was throwing.

  “I just want to spend time near you, Rose,” Bryant added, helping my heart win the war. I straightened to look into his pleading eyes, my head nodding before the warning bells could ring. Bryant grasped my hand and led me swiftly from the barn, grabbing a blanket on our way to our private little escape.

  He picked a spot for us to rest and popped the blanket into the air. It slowly billowed to the ground, spreading itself as far as possible. The space allowed us both room to lie down without touching the cold dew-covered ground. Bryant lay down first then spread his arms for me to lie across his chest. He cradled me against him. My hair fell, creating a curtain around our faces, and one hand came up to tuck a few strands behind my ear, while the other caressed my lower back underneath my shirt. My skin felt as if it had been set afire by his touch, tingling in recognition of his hands on my body.

  Bryant tilted my face to where we were eye-level and placed gentle and tender kisses on my lips —a sharp contrast to his forceful and angry kisses stolen earlier. This was a different Bryant. I loved and adored this Bryant. When it was just he and I, he was at peace and comfortable. We continued kissing until our lips were swollen. Bryant’s eyes hooded with desire and filled with unspoken feelings that I desperately wished he would share with me.

  I wanted to lie there with him all night and fall asleep beneath the stars. As if sensing my thoughts, Bryant shifted me to fall into the nook between his arm and body, letting out a deep breath. Silence took over as we lay there staring up into the starlit sky, basking in the buzz from our make-out session.

  Finding my courage, I broke the silence, needing answers. “Bryant, what happened tonight? Why did you ignore me then get angry when Jordan paid attention to me? I’m not a toy.”

  After what seemed like forever, he pulled in a deep breath and blew it out ever so slowly. “Rose, I am not the relationship-type of guy, but seeing Jordan with you was like a punch to the stomach. Isn’t there a nice guy at your school you want to be with, just avoid us altogether?”

  Not wanting to spoil the evening, I rolled over to fa
ce him and sealed his mouth with my lips, trying to convey my feelings toward him. The feelings flowing though me that pulled me toward him couldn’t be so easily dismissed. Bryant awakened my soul, brought about feelings I hadn’t felt in the last two years. He made me want to open my heart up and trust again after spending so much time protecting myself.

  “You’re beautiful, Rose,” he plainly stated as if it was a well-known fact.

  “So are you, Bryant.”

  He chuckled as he shifted me back to his side. Closing my eyes, lying under the stars, wrapped in his arms, I let out a content sigh. This is heaven. While I lay snuggled up against Bryant, it was as if time froze. I didn’t feel rushed or frustrated that he wanted to be anywhere else, and I reveled in that. I felt my phone buzz and figured it was Leslie looking for me.

  L: ARE YOU STILL STAYING THE NIGHT WITH ME?

  I tried typing discreetly back that I wasn’t moving from Bryant’s arms but felt him shift next to me and move to get up.

  “We should get back. I hear that phone buzzing. I’m sure people are organizing a search party for you as we lie here.” He got up to his feet and pulled me up.

  On the way back, Bryant wrapped the blanket in his arms so he didn’t have a free hand to hold mine. I already felt more alone as he’d begun pushing me away. I stuck my hands in my pockets and followed him back, feeling more stupid and used with each step. As soon as we stepped into the glow of the lights from the barn, Bryant walked away from me, leaving me behind to find Leslie on my own. Spotting her leaning against my truck talking to Grant, I began heading her way so we could go home to bed. As I got closer, I saw Jordan sitting on my tailgate with Eli. He lit up and cast a smile my direction.

  “Hey, Rose! Where did you go? I waited for you.”

  “Sorry, Jordan. Steve grabbed me and put me to work again.” I quickly lied to cover my disappearance.

  Leslie looked over at me suspiciously. We had been around one another long enough to know when the other wasn’t telling the truth. Jordan started to approach me but stopped as Bryant’s voice cut through me from behind.

  “Hey, guys, this place blows! Let’s get out of here and head to that party on campus.”

  I forced a smile, turning to look at him, but Bryant was looking past me. I was once again invisible.

  Grant planted a quick kiss on Leslie and made plans to see her again soon. Jordan walked closer, sliding me a piece of scrap paper with his number before climbing into the truck beside Eli.

  I stood there in shock as they drove off, listening to the internal “I told you so” between my heart and my head.

  Leslie came beside me, seeing my obvious heartache, and put her arm around me. “Ice cream?”

  “Yeah, sounds good,” I replied as I fought back the tears building over having been fooled by Bryant again. I was over these hot and cold mood swings of his!

  CHAPTER FIVE

  “Les, I don’t want to talk about it anymore. We’ve gone through a gallon of ice cream. I just want to go to bed,” I whined, tossing myself onto the bed. Closing my eyes, I hoped it would appear like I had passed out when she turned back to me.

  “I don’t get it, Rose! He likes you. You should have heard him muttering under his breath and cracking his knuckles on the hayride each time Jordan breathed your direction. When Jordan covered y’all with the blanket, I thought he might combust right there. Even Grant was laughing, saying he’d never seen him so worked-up like that before. Apparently, Bryant is typically a love-’em-and-leave-’em type.”

  Oh, he definitely has the leave ‘em down pat! I grunted, feigning sleep, praying she would take a hint. No luck. I felt the bed dip as Leslie lay down on the mattress near me. “I know you’re not sleeping, Rose,” she softly said in my ear.

  “Ugh, Les, drop it. Grant, how was Grant? You two appeared to hit it off pretty well!”

  “I know what you’re trying to do, and I’ll go for it because I’m dying to tell you about him, but I’m not giving up on you and Bryant.” Les went on and on about Grant, stuffing my ears with how nice he was and every wonderful attribute he had as I drifted off to sleep.

  Horrible Friend of the Year award went to this girl right there.

  ****

  I was running for my life. He was close behind me, chasing, screaming, and cursing at me. My dress was torn, and I was too intoxicated to find my wobbly feet underneath me. I was going up the stairs, but he grabbed ahold of my ankle and yanked me back toward him, causing me to hit my cheek on the stair step.

  He quickly flipped me onto my back and climbed on top of me, scratching me with his nails as he manhandled my body pinned beneath his. “Stop fighting this, Rose — you know you want me. You’ve teased me enough, and now it’s time to pay up.”

  “No. No. Please NO!”

  ****

  “NO!”

  The lights came on, and Leslie looked at me terrified. I shook my head, running my hands through my hair as the smell of his cheap-beer-saturated breath lingered in my memory. My skin felt clammy from the terror of that night.

  “Sorry, Les. Nightmare. Must be from all the ice cream and that movie we watched before bed.” I kicked off the sheets, escaping the grip they had on me, and got up to go to the bathroom. I shut the door, turned on the sink, and splashed cold water on my face. My reflection looked like a train wreck; my cheeks were flushed and my pupils dilated. I hadn’t had a nightmare in over a year. Knowing Leslie wouldn’t go back to sleep before I returned, I pulled myself together and walked out, flashing her a smile before climbing back into bed to force myself back asleep.

  “Daren was a jerk, Rose.” Leslie’s whisper broke the silence of the room.

  I swallowed the fear, willing it away with all my might. “See you in the morning, Les. Love you.”

  “Love you, too”

  The next day Leslie decided we needed some retail therapy, so we ate a quick breakfast before heading out. The mall had plenty of stores to find whatever we wanted and was busy with the weekend shoppers running around. We’d been there a few hours already, purchasing a few new outfits. My stomach gave a loud grumble in hunger, so I convinced Leslie to head to the food court to grab a bite to eat before going into the next store. Throwing our trash away, I spotted Bryant walking through the mall with a group of friends I hadn’t met. Run! My mind screamed at me.

  “Hey, Les, I’m pooped. You ready to head back?” I weakly attempted to redirect her to the exit.

  “Can we just run into one more store, Rose? I want to grab that one silver dress we saw,” Leslie bartered, giving me a pouty lip and puppy-dog eyes.

  I sighed, knowing there was no use arguing with Leslie, hoping we could get in and get out unnoticed. Purchase complete, my hidden agenda to dodge Bryant was almost a success as the exit doors came into sight. Almost, being the key word. We rounded the corner and ran smack into Bryant’s group. His eyes quickly met mine, but he caught himself quickly and averted his gaze.

  Leslie saw all, unfortunately, and wasn’t letting either of us escape without injury. “Hey, Bryant, how’s it going today?” she probed, raising her eyebrow and staring him down.

  “Hey, Leslie. Day is going good so far. I’m just grabbing some lunch with my friends. Looks like you girls are on your way out, so we’ll catch you later.” Bryant quickly led his group around us and toward the food court.

  Leslie looked to me with sympathetic eyes as we overheard his group talking in the distance. “Damn, who are they, B?”

  “Just some girls from the barn. They’re in high school.” Bryant said the last part like an explanation and an insult. He and his friends just laughed as they got in the line for the pizza joint, checking out a group of girls walking by.

  Leslie wrapped her arm around me, and we headed back to my house to offload our retail therapy that, in the end, had done more harm than good.

  Later that afternoon we drove to the barn so I could get a ride in on CZ after his time off. We both tacked together, talking about o
ur recent purchases, planning which to wear to school on Monday.

  Bryant strutted in, leading Brandi to a tie spot so he could tack her.

  “Hey, girls. Have fun at the mall?”

  Leslie flipped him the middle finger in response. I absolutely loved her. We had decided earlier I would give him the cold shoulder, and she would kick his ass if he was a jerk again. I went to the tack room to grab my bridle, feeling Bryant following close behind me.

  “Rose, what’s wrong?”

  I turned to look at him and found a dumbfounded look on his face that made me clench my fist to resist slapping him. “Umm, besides the fact you are bi-polar, and I can never tell which way is up with you, and you completely ignore me in public, Bryant? Everything is just peachy!”

  “I didn’t ignore you guys. I said hey. We were heading for pizza. We were all starving, and the smell of the pizza was making it worse.”

  “Oh, Bryant, whatever! I’m so tired of your bullcrap. One minute I’m irresistible, and the next you act like I’ve got the plague. Just the other night you showed up to the festival, bypassed me entirely, then threw a hissy fit when Jordan paid me some attention. You play my feelings against me so much you are giving me whiplash! Like going for the walk and spending time together was amazing. Yet, as soon as we are around people, you leave me. I heard you refer to Leslie and me as ‘girls from the barn’. So, apparently, I’m perfectly okay to kiss behind closed doors but not even worth an acknowledgement in public!” I ranted at him and finished it off with an exasperated sigh.

  Bryant sighed in defeat. “Rose, I’ve told you… different worlds. I like you, a lot. However, it doesn’t change the facts. It won’t work. I’ve seen people think they have this crazy chemistry only to have it ripped away. Can’t we just spend time together here?”

  “No, Bryant. We most certainly cannot. You are right. That fantasy of love and two people caring for one another is a fleeting moment, because one day the other person will show his true colors. Lucky for me, you showed yours early on. Get lost.” I grabbed the gear I’d come for in the first place and left, squeezing through the small opening between him and the door.