Expired Regrets

by Megan C. Smith

  Out in the arena, I recapped the tack-room saga to Leslie, having flashbacks to the first day Bryant had showed up. Not much had changed, despite the positive interludes. He was a jerk — I loved and loathed him. I was better off despising him, though, putting up the shield around my heart and locking it down like Fort Knox.

  When I got back to untack, there was a Post-it note on the front of my shelf.

  I’m sorry. I tried to warn you. –B

  I ripped it into little pieces, cursing him into oblivion, then set it on top of his tack box to make my point crystal clear. As I closed up my tack trunk to head home, Bryant came in and saw the confetti that was once his note I’d left behind.

  Scooping the pieces up in his hands, as if there were a baby bird, he put them in his pocket with a wounded expression that chipped at the wall I’d just erected.

  The next morning I went to the barn early, in hopes of avoiding him, but as soon as I pulled in, his blue Ford was sitting there screaming at me to take notice. I took a deep breath, getting ready to deal with him again, feeling a serious case of déjà vu when it came to Bryant. I walked over to CZ’s stall and guided him out, while cooing to him sweetly.

  Bryant stepped out of Brandi’s stall, holding a pitchfork, to see who was there. His eyes immediately locked with mine. Nodding once, he quietly went back to his work, effectively dismissing me with a knife to my gut. Once done mucking the stall, Bryant came out to get a sip of his water and just sat there watching me groom CZ.

  “Do you need help with your saddle, Rose?”

  I chose to ignore him, walking in the tack room and grabbing my gear myself, so I could get out of there before I had a mental breakdown. As I came back out, I saw Bryant drop his head into his hands in anguish. “You made your bed, Bryant, now lie in it,” I muttered to myself.

  My ride was short, since I was too frustrated to pay any attention. Walking back to put my saddle away, I noticed Bryant’s truck was no longer in its parking space. My heart was relieved and broken.

  ****

  The weeks continued like that for a while, where we would just answer one another with monosyllable words, until eventually we were avoiding each other altogether. After not seeing him at all for a bit, I was surprised to pull in and see Bryant was there. Walking into the stables, I felt myself searching in hopes of seeing him. I missed him and wondered if we could at least be friends.

  “Hey, Rose,” his beautiful voice spoke from behind me.

  Startled, I jumped.

  Bryant chuckled, melting my heart to hear him again.

  “Hey, Bryant, been a while. How are you doing?” Stay cool, Rose.

  “Horribly. I miss you, Rose. Even just being able to ride with you and having you nearby. I feel myself wondering how you are and what you’re up to when you aren’t around.” Bryant looked at me.

  I couldn’t help but notice the dark shadows beneath his eyes as if he hadn’t been sleeping too well.

  “I know, Bryant. I was just thinking I missed you, too.” I moved closer then instinctively stepped back, trying to keep a safe distance between us, before my body betrayed my mind’s good intentions.

  “Why don’t we try this again? Hi, I’m Bryant. I’d like to be your friend, if you’ll have me.”

  “Bryant,” I began, trying to steel my resolve. “I don’t see how this is a good idea. I’ve been through enough—”

  “I know I hurt you. I tried to stay away and warn you back then, but you’re like a magnet for me. Friends? Please.”

  His desperate pleading made my heart beat faster, but I stuffed it back behind the wall. “Friends.” I spoke that one word and nodded, since that was the only response I could come up with as my insides twisted and screamed at me. Bad idea! Friends? I do not want to be friends with Bryant!

  Bryant gave me some space for the rest of my time there, until I went to leave.

  “Hold up, Rose. I’ll walk out with you.” He jogged to catch up to me as I was walking to my truck. “So, last semester before graduation. You getting excited?”

  “Yeah, I turned in college applications a few weeks ago. I’m anxious to hear back. But other than that, yeah, I’m ready,” I said, not pausing long enough to let thoughts of our lips colliding cross my mind. As I clambered into my truck, I quickly waved goodbye and drove home to dream of him.

  Bryant and I were now at a happy place. We’d hang out at the barn, and I wouldn’t see him outside of it, so we were able to avoid those awkward moments that had been our downfall. When I was at the barn, I could feel his eyes on me wherever I was. If Bryant saw an opportunity to touch me, he took it, each touch sending electricity coursing through me, making me crave even more. I constantly reminded myself that was a road better left untraveled.

  One day, Bryant caught me in the tack room and stepped closer to me than our unspoken safe-boundary area. I felt the atmosphere heat as his eyes grew, seeming to search mine for something. Breathing in, I got lost in the intoxicating smell of his cologne mingled with pine dust from the stalls. I started to ask what he needed, but he swiftly spun around and strode out as fast as he had come in. When I walked out to my truck that afternoon, there was a flower tucked under my windshield wiper blade with a note:

  You looked extra beautiful today. I left before I ruined our friendship.

  Before I lost you. –B

  I gently removed the flower and note and then placed them in my passenger seat before heading home.

  It seemed he wanted me as much as I wanted him, no matter how much we tried to fight and resist our feelings. He’d been continually staring at me from afar, bringing himself in close when he got the opportunity. Today, though, in the tack room he’d wanted to kiss me, I was sure of it. I knew the look of desire in his eyes well. The question was how to get him to admit it and act on it. I was hoping that with two more months of school left, the high school stigma he’d attached to me would be behind us, allowing the relationship to move forward. I promised myself that tomorrow this game would come to an end. Tomorrow, Bryant would make a decision, once and for all.

  CHAPTER SIX

  I woke up the next morning filled with nausea and excitement. I lay in bed for a good ten minutes longer than usual, trying to work up the courage I would need to tackle the day head on. Stepping into my closet, I looked at my clothes, trying to decide what to wear. Finally, I settled on my favorite pair of dark-wash skinny jeans, knee-high brown riding boots, and a green button-up men’s shirt. I straightened my hair until it looked like a satin curtain draping down my back and added a touch of make-up, applying a bit more effort than normal to increase my self-confidence when I battled for Bryant’s heart. Giggling to myself, I took notice of the make-up’s similarity to a Marine’s camouflage war paint as he geared up for battle.

  School felt like it was passing exceptionally slow. Probably in great part to my over-anxiousness to get to the barn. To get to Bryant. My thoughts wandered…

  I felt like I might burst. Driving in so fast, the dust kicked up, creating a smoke effect. I could hear the horses whinny in the pastures, their hooves hitting the ground as they frolicked around.

  Bryant was waiting for me, leaning up against the doorframe with his tight denim jeans and green, cotton t-shirt clinging to his body — the entire look making my mouth water. I stepped up to him, angling my head to look into his lust-filled eyes. I started to speak all the words I’d prepared and repeatedly rehearsed that day at school. As I opened my mouth to tell him exactly how I felt, his mouth came crashing down on mine. Bryant effortlessly scooped me up and wrapped my legs around his hips. He turned our bodies so I was positioned between the wall and him. He ravished my mouth before moving down my neck to my collarbone and back again, kissing me completely senseless. His hands gripped my hips, pulling me closer to him, trying to unite our bodies into one. I was on fire!

  Bryant pulled back enough to rest his forehead on mine and began to speak to me, both of us glistening with sweat from our heated exchange. He g
asped for air and tried to catch his breath. “I’m — so — sorry. I’m an idiot. You… I want to be with you, Rose...”

  “Rose. Rose. RO-O-OSE!”

  I shook my head, realizing I was sitting in the lunchroom lost in a fantasy that I’d conjured up. The French fry in my hand was soggy and dyed red from the amount of ketchup I’d put on it, having repeatedly dipped it. Leslie was staring at me, trying to figure out where I’d just gone off to. I flushed ten shades of red, trying to slink down in to my chair to vanish from sight.

  “Hey, Les.” I giggled, snatching up some more fries and shoving them in my mouth. I desperately was hoping a mouthful of food would provide an excuse for not having words to explain my mental disappearance.

  “Where did you go, Rose?” Leslie-the-mind-reader probed.

  “Oh, you know — off to my dream world — just one of those days.”

  The bell rang. Woo-hoo! Saved by the bell, literally. I jumped to my feet, making a beeline for the door to escape Leslie’s scrutiny and get to class. By the time I got to my last class of the day, I was bouncing around in my seat, tapping my foot incessantly.

  Tick. Tick. Tick.

  Come on, clock — come on!

  Tick. Tick. Tick. R-I-N-G.

  I was up and gone before the rest of the class stood, to my truck in record time. Leslie was there leaning against it, laughing as I ripped my door open.

  “In a rush, Rose?” She winked at me as she pulled her strawberry-blond curls into a low ponytail.

  I swallowed the lump in my throat, smiling in her direction. She knew what I was up to. Leslie and I had grown up together, were like sisters. We’d even planned to go to the same college, sticking together until the very end.

  I pulled into a space in the barn’s parking lot and threw the truck into park. It lurched forward as it came to a halt next to a blue Ford pickup that brought a tirade of emotions on me. The dust kicked up, and I searched the doorway, though no mouth-watering Bryant awaited my arrival.

  “Rose, he’d be a fool if he didn’t want to be with you. You are amazing.” Leslie leaned over and gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze before getting out of the truck.

  I stepped out and began walking toward the barn. My ears thumped with the beating of my heart as blood rush through my veins. I felt as if I was going to have a stroke right here in the gravel walkway. Thank God, I knew a good paramedic who could save me. I stepped into the barn. Scanning the aisle, I saw no Bryant in sight.

  Leslie appeared out of Beau’s stall, shaking her head at me. “No clue where he is. I’ve yet to see him.”

  I let out a breath of air in relief and frustration. Where’s this guy when I need him? I guided CZ out and tied him up, then tacked him while simultaneously searching for Bryant the entire time with no success.

  On our way to the arena, another truck pulled in to the parking lot. Grant and Jordan hopped out and sauntered over to us.

  Leslie jumped off Beau and into Grant’s waiting arms greedily, assaulting every centimeter of his lips.

  Jordan fought back a smile as his eyes locked on mine.

  My blood heated to a boil from the carnal look his eyes were conveying to me.

  “Hey, beautiful.” He’d quickly closed the distance between us then brushed his hand over CZ before bringing it to rest on my thigh.

  “Hey, Jordan, how have you been?” I nervously asked, scanning again for Bryant, but it seemed today was another day of avoiding me.

  “Missing you. I didn’t get your number at the festival, and Grant said I had to ask you, not go through Leslie, so here I am.”

  I felt my cheeks heat with a blush. I really need to get that in check. I have a horrible poker face.

  “I was thinking I could watch you ride, and then the four of us could go to dinner on a double-date?”

  Before I could respond, Leslie chimed in for the both of us, “We would love to, Jordan. What a great idea! Rose, your mom knows you’re staying with me tonight, since my parents are out of town, so we won’t even have to watch our time.”

  Grant gave Leslie a smack on the butt. “Well, then get to it, girls, so we can go enjoy each other’s company.”

  We laughed aloud as Leslie put her foot in the stirrup to get back on Beau. We headed to the arena with the guys in tow. They both watched attentively as we ran through the workouts and did some jumping very quickly. I retried the course from the other week, hoping to recreate Bryant’s appearance, but he never showed. But I’d accomplished staying on and received applause from Jordan.

  Putting my saddle away on the God-forsaken top rack, it slipped, whacking me in the face.

  Jordan quickly came up behind me and pushed it up effortlessly the rest of the way while curving his body around mine. He turned me around to face him and tenderly inspected my cheek, giving the red mark blossoming there a peck. His lips were warm and moist on the ache, making the other side try to match as the blush tinted it.

  I shift uncomfortably as a cough behind us set me on edge. I knew, before looking, exactly who that was, but Jordan confirmed my suspicions.

  “Hey, Bryant. Thought that was your truck out there!”

  Bryant looked at Jordan with eagle eyes, seeming to analyze the scene he had just walked in on. He narrowed his gaze on our close bodies and the spot on my cheek where Jordan’s lips had just been. I stepped toward Bryant and simultaneously reached up to wipe my cheek, hoping to erase any memory of his kiss. But it was too late. The damage had already been done.

  I could see Bryant putting up his wall and locking the gates as his body shifted to a defensive position, an air of anger surrounding him. The tension in the room was stifling, and I shifted on the balls of my feet nervously, trying to think of what to say to clear the air.

  “Grant and I are taking the girls to dinner tonight on a double-date.”

  Shut up, Jordan! Don’t you see he wants to strangle you?

  Jordan had to be the bravest — or the densest — guy, I’d ever met to spit that out with the palpable charge in the atmosphere.

  Bryant’s eyebrow rose at Jordan, and he clenched his fist.

  I moved to step closer to Bryant, but Jordan took my hand and pulled me protectively behind him, apparently sensing the anger rolling off Bryant. He didn’t seem to realize he was just ruffling Bryant’s feathers more each time he touched me.

  “Rose… Jordan… Grant is starving. Are y’all done making out so we can—? Bryant! Hey, umm…” Leslie’s teasing fell on deaf ears as she looked between the three of us. The tension shot up tenfold.

  Jordan pulled me with him and led me out, ignoring Bryant, leaving him there fuming. My feet felt like cement blocks as I moved to walk out with Jordan and Leslie. I was so confused. At that point, I didn’t want to be near Bryant, and he was making no move to claim me as his in front of his friend. Same ole’ Bryant!

  Leslie fell back to walk with me, as Jordan released me and marched over to Grant. “Holy crap! That was intense,” Leslie exclaimed. She always did have a way of stating the obvious.

  I let out the breath I hadn’t even realize I was holding, looking at her speechless.

  The door slammed open, and Bryant stomped out of the tack room. He looked to me first with sad eyes that tore my heart out then hid them behind fury and turned them toward Jordan.

  Grant looked up, mid-sentence with Jordan, to see Bryant like a raging bull heading their way.

  I could feel all my muscles tighten in anticipation of a fight. I started to walk over, but Leslie stopped me and shook her head. She casually moved us closer so we could overhear the conversation from a safe distance instead.

  “What the fuck, Bryant? What is your problem? I asked you what the deal with Rose was, and you said she was just a girl here at the barn. You said you had no interest in her.”

  I cringed in pain at the words, although I had heard the rejection before.

  Bryant scoffed at Jordan’s statement yet didn’t argue.

  Jordan continued. “I
like her, I can’t explain the pull I feel but from the moment her eyes met mine, my body demanded I be her hero. I’m going to take her to dinner tonight and charm her socks off. I’m not blind. I see she has feelings for you, but you and I both know that will end in disaster. You will destroy her. I also know she likes me too, and hands down, I am the better choice. I know exactly what I’m looking for. I can be her happily-ever-after if she’ll let me. You’re too damn late, Bryant. You missed the train and have nobody to blame but yourself!”

  I do like them both. How is that possible? I tried to work it out in my mind; how I’d ended up having feelings for both men. Despite my jumbled feelings though, Jordan had hit the nail on the head. Bryant was too damn late. He kept running hot and cold, and I couldn’t keep up. I wasn’t what he wanted, and there was no way I could meet his needs. He knew it. That was why he’d pushed me away repeatedly. Bryant had done me a favor, pushing me into Jordan’s arms. As I stood there thinking it all through, Jordan grabbed my hand and led me to the truck, away from a stunned Bryant.

  Bryant just stood there, brooding as we walked away, with nothing to say. He’d remained silent; whereas Jordan had proudly fought for me. He wanted me, no holding back, and so I decided, then and there, I would pay attention to the guy who saw me and wanted me, instead of wasting my time chasing Bryant to the ends of the earth.

  Dinner with Jordan was nice. He was attentive and sweet. We never had those awkward silent moments where somebody felt the necessity to fill the void. When I asked him how his dinner was, he offered me a bite, and I gladly accepted. We shared a tiramisu that was to die for with its intense flavors and layers of ladyfingers. When we both went for the last bite, he scooped it up and served it to me. I closed my eyes to savor the taste, a moan escaping my lips. I felt his lips on mine, gently tasting and licking the remnants left from the dessert. The entire time, all I could think was how his kiss was the polar opposite of Bryant’s.