Expired Regrets

by Megan C. Smith

  I was still pretty foggy on the details, but, as I thought back, I had a pretty good idea that I’d been duped by my heart and Bryant.

  Grant, confirming my suspicion told, his side of the story. “I’m not positive. One minute we were surfing a wave and getting ready to paddle back out then Jordan started cursing up a storm, paddling back up here as fast as possible. Once I got closer, I saw Bryant and Rose kissing and getting pretty hot and heavy.”

  He turned his glare toward me, and I retreated at the accusation.

  “I was kissing Jordan! I didn’t realize it was Bryant. I… I… I couldn’t see him!” I adamantly tried to defend myself.

  The fight was evenly matched. Who had the upper hand seemed to change with each punch. Grant finally stepped toward them; he dodged a punch from Jordan and broke them up. Jordan’s muscles rippled as he reined his anger in, moving his betray-filled eyes to look at me.

  I glanced between the two, feeling tears welling up as I stood there flabbergasted.

  Bryant moved toward me, his lip busted and bleeding. A bruise could already be seen purpling the surface below his left eye.

  I look to Jordan, hoping to explain, and stepped closer to him.

  Relaxing his stance, he came to me and enveloped me in his arms.

  “I didn’t know it was him, I swear. I thought it was you! I couldn’t see him because of the sun, and he didn’t talk.”

  My body shook as I sobbed into his shoulder, trying to make clear my actions in it all. I wanted him to know I hadn’t intended to betray him. Infidelity was unacceptable in my world after my dad had walked out on my mom for another woman. Furious Bryant had just taken advantage of me, and even more so that deep down I knew I’d enjoyed it, I pushed those emotions away.

  Jordan shh’d me, whispering reassuring words in my ear. Holding me tighter to him, he turned back to Bryant, to find him looking ready to resume the brawl. Jordan tucked me into his side, and I could feel his body tense back up as he went to speak.

  “Bryant, I don’t know what has gotten in to you. What I do know is — Rose and I are together, she is my girlfriend, and I do not take kindly to you taking advantage of my girlfriend and having an intimate moment. I will fight for her, even against you. I just wish you’d respect our friendship enough to back off.”

  “Not a chance in hell,” Bryant coldly replied as he pivoted and stomped off.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Leslie decided to ride home with Grant, leaving Jordan and me riding alone in an awkward quiet. I sat in my passenger seat, wringing my hands together as he drove my truck to my house. Nervous, I peeked over at him. His jaw was red and swollen from the fight, and he had a cut on his eyebrow. Overall, though, he’d fared well.

  In the driveway, he turned off the truck, the unspoken words filling the air, suffocating me. We sat there in a deafening silence for a moment, a wave of nausea washing over me as I conjured up the endless possibilities swirling through his mind.

  Not able to take it a moment longer, I spoke up, “Jordan, I am so sorry. I really didn’t—”

  Before I could finish my apology, his lips were on mine, molding them to my own. My blood heated and pulsed through me as I reached to wrap my arms around his neck, sinking into the comfort of Jordan’s kiss.

  “I know, Rose. Bryant is just different with you, and I’m terrified to lose you. I really like you.” He looked into my eyes, seeming to search them for my feelings before he turned to look at my house.

  I sighed in response, unable to speak. Leaning in, I wanted to kiss him again, but Jordan nervously cleared his throat.

  “I’d really love nothing more than to kiss you again, but I’m pretty sure your mom is on her way out here to strangle me, and I’m scared,” he explained with a nervous laugh.

  Sure enough, I turned in time to see my mom ripping my truck door open, looking terrified.

  “Where have you been?” she screamed at me in a high-pitched voice. “I’ve been calling you for hours. You didn’t call this morning from Leslie’s, and your phone is going straight to voicemail!”

  I retrieved my phone and realized it was dead. I felt awful about putting another person I cared about through hell today.

  “Mom, I’m so sorry. My phone must have died. I didn’t even realize.” I attempted to soothe and get her to calm down.

  “I thought he found you. Found you and got you again. I was terrified, Rose.” Tears came to the brim of her eyes. Suddenly realizing I was in my passenger seat, and someone else was driving my truck, she focused her scrutiny on Jordan. She looked between him and me.

  I started to explain, but Jordan beat me to it.

  “Good evening, ma’am. I’m Jordan” He reached his hand across me to shake my mom’s hand, but she just stared at it in shock.

  Well now, I know where I get my smooth-talking skills!

  “I apologize for worrying you. Rose and Leslie joined my friend and me at the beach this afternoon.” He continued with a confident and respectful tone, looking to me when I moved to get out of the truck. He quickly came around to join me and placed his hand on the small of my back in a show of unity.

  My mother backed up, scrutinizing Jordan’s appearance, probably taking note of fresh injuries.

  “Well, Jordan, Rose needs to get ready for school tomorrow. Do you need a ride home?”

  Wow, Mom, really?

  “Mom, he—”

  What do I say without freaking her out more?

  “No, ma’am. I live nearby and will walk home from here. You guys have a good night.”

  Inside the house, my mom paced the floor, wearing a spot into the carpet. “Rose, you’re not ready to date again.” She seemed to be choosing her words carefully, to be the most effective at slaying my hopes. “How old is he? He looked like he was just in a fight. You’re not ready!”

  I drew in a deep breath, expanding my chest, trying to find the words I needed to say to respectfully assert myself and simultaneously calm my mother down.

  “Mom, Jordan is in college. He is very nice guy and a total gentleman. Yes, he was just in a fight defending me— Don’t ask. I’m almost done with high school. You’re pushing me away. I was the one attacked, not you. I think I know when I am ready.”

  She sighed in response, meaning, she was done arguing for tonight, and left the living room. She closed the door to her bedroom behind her and shut me out. As always, Mom ran away from her troubles. Ever since Dad left us, she’d taken two routes to deal with stress: cling to it for dear life or ignore it completely.

  I checked my phone on the charger. It was back from the dead and showing a text from Jordan.

  J: Hope I didn’t get you in trouble. Can I see you tonight? I want to talk.

  The time stamp was from an hour ago, so I texted back, figuring he was asleep.

  R: Not in trouble. She was just really worried. I’d like to see you too, but not sure that’s even possible without my mom alerting authorities.

  Jordan’s response quickly rang in after I pressed send.

  J: I’ll take care of that. See you soon ;-)

  I ran upstairs to change out of my swimsuit and into a cotton t-shirt and spandex shorts. I heard a tap at my window, and I opened it to see Jordan smiling, clinging on to the latticework attached to the side of the house. I stepped aside to let him climb into my room.

  Jordan swept me up into his arms and gently placed me on my bed. He lay down beside me and traced his fingers up my leg to the hem of my shorts.

  “I thought you said we were talking,” I giggled as he made my nerve endings tingle with awareness.

  Jordan kissed me quickly before angling himself back on his elbow so we could look at each other.

  “You’re right. We are. I have a question, and I hope you trust me enough to answer it.” He cautiously spoke, causing my brain to start waving red flags in alarm. “Who was your mom talking about? Who would hurt you? I asked Leslie when I got to the apartment, and she looked like she was in physical pain.
She told me I had to ask you.” Concern filled his eyes.

  I swore, this day wasn’t going to ever end. I considered my answer, trying to decide what to put on his shoulders, because once I said it, I wouldn’t be able to take it back, and our relationship would change forever. Deciding to tell him the whole truth, I snuggled into him, closing my eyes to gather my strength.

  “If you don’t want to tell me, I understand, Rose. I don’t want to force you to do something you don’t want to,” Jordan reassured me, apparently sensing my hesitation.

  The irony of that statement made me relax a little. Something in the depths of Jordan’s emerald green eyes told me I could trust him, making me want to divulge my demons to him so he could protect me from them.

  “I want to tell you. It’s just hard. It’s a very painful memory to think about, much less share.” I took a few calming breaths.

  Jordan patiently waited on me, rubbing my back. “Two years ago I was happily in a relationship with a senior at my school. He seemed to worship me, and I was envied by every girl in school who wished they could be with him and have our relationship. As prom approached, he hung a huge sign between two main buildings for all to see asking me to go with him.” I smiled at the happier memory. “Of course, I agreed. Prom was… amazing, everything I’d imagined it would be. Afterward, he took me back to his house for an after-party he was having.”

  Knowing the part I was coming to, I could feel my throat tighten. Tears brimming my eyes, I forcibly swallowed the fear past the lump in my throat and pushed on.

  Jordan tightened his hold on me, his touch helping to calm my trembling body. He remained quiet as I paused to collect myself. “He’d been drinking and was getting a bit too touchy-feely with me, making me uncomfortable. I went to call my mom to ask her to come get me, but he took my phone and shattered it against a wall. I tried to run and escape, but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back down to him.”

  By that point, I was overcome with sobs as Jordan rubbed my back in an effort to soothe, telling me I didn’t have to relive it anymore.

  “No! If I cannot say it, then he continues to hold the power. I tried to run away, but he was quicker and stronger than I was. I wasn’t able to get away from him as he forced himself on top of me and crushed me. He raped me and stole my virginity that night.” I finished, but the relief was short-lived as I instantaneously felt Jordan react. His muscled tightened beneath my palms, and his body became rigid.

  Jordan spoke through clenched teeth. “Rose, who was it? What jail cell is he rotting in so I can go strangle him?”

  I’d known that question would come up and ultimately would be the hardest for him to hear because of all the pain I’d suffered. It was what bothered me the most. “Daren isn’t in jail. He’s in New York at college. He told me I had asked for it. That a million girls had been offering themselves to him, and I should feel lucky he’d chosen me. There was really no evidence to speak of, and by the time I worked up the courage to go to the police, he had beaten me to it and saved himself. He had told his dad that we had decided to lose our virginity to one another, and that he was afraid I regretted my decision. It was my word against his, and he came from money. I lost.”

  Waiting for Jordan to speak was like watching a pot come to a boil. Each time he opened his mouth nothing came out. He stood up and left me on the bed in a panic as he walked into my bathroom and closed the door. I turned into my pillow and let out another sob, finally giving in and just crying until I passed out into a restless sleep…

  “Get OFF me!” I tried to buck my body against his to get him off me, but he was too strong. “NO, I’m not ready! Please don’t!” I begged, and I pleaded with him to free me, but he just laughed, the smell of whiskey lingering on his breath. As he aimlessly jabbed around between my thighs, a scream ripped out of my throat…

  “Rose! Rose, it’s okay. I’m here,” Jordan’s soothing voice whispered in my ear. Still too fresh out of my dream, I tried to escape my sheets and his grasp and fell off the bed onto the floor. Jordan jumped off and came to me, careful not to get too close as I backed myself into a corner, rocking while trying to separate reality from my nightmare. As my eyes became clearer, I focused on his face to grasp onto the here and now. He moved closer to me, but I pushed myself further back into the corner.

  “Please, don’t touch me. I can’t take it after he had his hands on me.” I knew it had just been a nightmare, but I felt dirty, and my skin was crawling.

  “Rose, it was a nightmare. I won’t let anyone hurt you.” He continued speaking softly to me, making no moves to come nearer.

  I sighed and then leaned toward him, nodding that I was in control of my body, and he could come closer to embrace me.

  Tentatively, he reached out to me. He took my hand and kissed my palm. Another breath of air slipped past my lips as I calmed down more. Jordan must have read that as my go-ahead, because, before I knew it he tugged me toward him gently until I relaxed into his body. After scooping me up, he carried me back to my bed. Cradling me like a child against him, he rocked me back to sleep, promising to stay with me through the night. The last tears slipped out of my closed eyes.

  When I woke the next morning, Jordan was gone, and in his place was a note.

  Figured it’d be best if your mom didn’t find me in your bedroom. Call me later, babe.

  I went downstairs and found my mom in the kitchen drinking her morning coffee and reading the paper. I grabbed a box of cereal and the milk and combined them in a bowl to create a subpar breakfast in comparison to yesterday.

  Mom handed me a banana to slice up and put on top of my cereal. I smiled at her in appreciation, hoping to break any residual tension from last night.

  “I know you’re older, Rose, and heading off soon. I’m sorry if I’ve been a bit overbearing. I just felt so helpless…” She choked out her words.

  I stood and walked to her. I hugged her, soon feeling her loosen up as she hugged me in return.

  Knowing she wouldn’t want to say more on the topic, I changed the conversation. “I’m off to work and then to the barn to ride CZ. I’ve got a horse show next weekend.”

  Mom asked about where the show was and how CZ was doing with our workouts. It was apparent she was trying not to be obvious as she began steering the topic to Jordan.

  I laughed, knowing she’d been dying to get to this conversation.

  “He is — or was — Bryant’s friend,” I started.

  She gave me a quizzical look, probably hearing in my voice there was more to this story than I was letting on.

  I tried to give her the cliff-notes’ version, and she just shook her head, laughing at it all.

  “Sounds like something out of one of those romance novels I love.” She kissed me on my forehead and headed out to meet some friends from her office for lunch, leaving me to get ready for work.

  ****

  The arcade was dead, making work uneventful and slow. My head kept drooping as the lights and music of the arcade games slurred together. After work, I hurried home to change out of my uniform so I could get to CZ. As I pulled in, the blue Ford was waiting for me, calling to me.

  I seriously considered leaving, feeling the unease in the pit of my stomach. Sitting there another minute, I decided we had played games long enough. It was past time Bryant was held accountable for yesterday and every day before. I wasn’t his to touch; he’d given up that opportunity. The sky was overcast, and an impending storm was coming in, mirroring my gloomy mood.

  When I walked in to the stable, Bryant appeared to be waiting for me, sitting in a chair with his head between his legs. The sound of my boots on the concrete caught his attention. He lifted his head to look at me, seeming to gauge my mood.

  I moved to walk around him, not prepared to have a confrontation that fast, but he stood and blocked my path.

  “Bryant — move.” I ground my teeth, wishing I would’ve left as soon as I’d seen his blue truck.

  “No.” Bryant rai
sed an eyebrow at me in defiance.

  “No? No!” I said in a maniacal voice. “You are driving me absolutely crazy! When I want you, you don’t want me. Now that I’ve started to move on, you decide you want me. Is this a joke to you?”

  “No.”

  “Bryant, if you say no one more time, I swear, I’m going to give you a black eye on the other side to match the one Jordan gave you!”

  At Jordan’s name, Bryant visibly cringed.

  “Rose, I’m sorry. Damn, I feel like I’m always apologizing to you for something. I know I moved slowly, but I’m not exactly well-known for my skills in relationships. I’m more of a… life-of-the-party kind of guy. I didn’t want a relationship, to be locked down and have to answer to anyone. I saw my parents fight endlessly over everything and anything, so when I got the chance to move out and leave, I did and have never looked back. They cared more about themselves than each other or me.” He paused, pulling in a breath.

  “Then you come along with your heart-stopping smile, crashing my whole plan for my life of bachelorhood. My feelings for you scare the crap out of me because I know letting you go would be impossible, but I can’t stand to think of ending up like my parents, treating one another so terribly. I think I’ve fallen in love with you, and that is freaking crazy. I mean, how is that even possible?” Bryant dragged his fingers through his hair, causing it to spike from the forcefulness. “It’s all that makes sense though. You’re everything I’ve ever dreamed of and never thought I wanted, much less deserved. When our lips touch, all I can do is feel as a charge runs through me, igniting me on fire. You are the light to my life, the sun in my world. I need you like my lungs need air.”

  I stood there a moment, trying to process what he had just said. A laugh rang out of me, and Bryant just stared a moment, probably trying to decide if he was safe or if I was experiencing a mental breakdown.

  “You love me?” I asked incredulously.