Expired Regrets

by Megan C. Smith

  Jordan and Grant were sitting on the couch watching so sports recaps as I picked at the label on my beer bottle, not wanting to study like Leslie was but not interested in who won whatever game they were showing on the television.

  “Hey, Rose, can you come back here,” Leslie called from the bedroom.

  I stood to head back, curious about what she needed help with that required my assistance instead of Grant’s. She was sitting in Jordan’s room trying to get in some studying for a test she had Monday, before Grant locked her away for a weekend of fun.

  “Hey, what’s up?” I asked as I stepped in to the room. I plopped down on the bed, causing everything she had laid out to jostle.

  Leslie glared at me in annoyance, and I winked back, knowing she was trying her hardest to study and maintain good grades. “I just don’t get this problem in my calculus class. Can you run it by me once more?”

  After a few minutes of explaining it to her, I saw understanding enter her eyes, and Leslie rolled to her back and breathed a sigh of relief.

  “So how are things with you and Jordan?” she asked, wagging her eyebrows at me suggestively.

  “Fine,” I answered, not really wanting to go into much detail since I really hadn’t worked it out in my head yet.

  Leslie wasn’t having any of that. She raised her eyebrows at me while pouting out her lips, letting me know if I tried to remain tight-lipped, I wouldn’t last long.

  Figures!

  I sighed heavily, trying to figure out what to say to her, knowing she was my best friend and I should be able to talk to her, but I’d almost become ashamed of my actions and choices.

  “I—I feel…” I stammered out, “…I feel like I’m leading him on. I like him, but I feel like we are stuck in the friend zone without a possibility of being lovers. I don’t know what to do, but I can’t risk losing him. He’s my best friend.”

  Leslie snarled at that comment, and I chuckled, knowing she’d taken that last part personally.

  “Don’t worry, Les, you’ll still look better in a maid-of-honor dress. It’s just… I can talk to him and feel safe with him. It’s so easy to be with him.”

  Leslie pondered what I’d said for a minute. “How do you feel when you kiss?”

  I sat silent a few moments, trying to think back to our kisses that had become more frequent since that night he’d brought me home a month ago. “They’re nice, there’s definitely chemistry. It just doesn’t fire me up,” I said in a whisper.

  Leslie looked at me for a moment. Sympathy filled her eyes before she pushed it back. It was obvious she knew I needed tough love. “Rose, he’s really good to you and for you. Don’t force it but give it a chance. Like you said, he knows you inside and out, and he has been there for you through a lot. You just need time for your heart to heal a bit. You ran from Bryant and Tampa — don’t run from him, too.”

  I nodded in understanding, feeling a bit better that I’d shared with her.

  Leaving Leslie to finish studying, I trudged down the hallway back to the living room, overhearing Jordan and Grant talking as I neared the end of the hallway.

  “He seems okay. He asked how she was doing.”

  Bryant!

  I paused to eavesdrop, curious how he was, despite my outward denial.

  “Yeah, well he gave up that right,” Jordan snarkily replied to Grant.

  “Don’t. Don’t be the douche bag. That’s not you. He cares about her. I told him you two were together, and he seemed genuinely happy that she was moving on with you, even though he loves her. He even said he hoped you two worked out, because he knew you were good for her and cared for her.”

  I heard Jordan suck his teeth and could picture him trying to hold back his unpleasant thoughts about Bryant. After the fall from CZ, it had been no secret how he felt about Bryant.

  “I do care for her, a lot. But I’m not too confident she feels the same. Our relationship is just stagnant,” Jordan told Grant with desperation in his voice that broke my heart.

  I was hurting him. I resolved right then and there that I would try my hardest to move forward and get the relationship to work. I walked out to the living room loudly, giving the guys the opportunity to change the conversation without knowing I’d overheard anything. I sat close to Jordan, taking his hand in mine and leaning into him to let our bodies fit around one another.

  His face instantly lit up, and he smiled at the affection I had initiated.

  The guys talked sports for another hour before Leslie finished up and came out. Grant tossed her over his shoulder and carried her out to the dorm, probably so they could enjoy each other’s company.

  Once Jordan locked up the apartment, he turned to me. “You ready for bed?”

  “I’m going to take a shower first,” I replied, needing the warm water to relax me for what I was planning to do. Jordan nodded as he headed off to bed, and I went into the bathroom.

  You can do this, Rose. He loves you. He has been there from day one, worshipping you. You care for him. I stood there letting the water wash over me and continued to give myself a pep talk. A knock at the door startled me back to awareness, and I noticed the water had cooled during my banter to myself.

  “Just a minute, I’m getting out now.” I turned off the water, wrapped myself in a towel, and opened the door to Jordan’s worried expression.

  “I thought you might have drowned or something. You were in there so long.”

  I smirked at him, shoving his shoulder to throw him off balance, and he smiled in return. His eyes widened as he looked down at my body glistening with water from the shower, wrapped only in a towel. My skin broke out in goose bumps in acknowledgement of his eyes skimming over every inch of me. I tilted my chin up, inviting him to come closer.

  Jordan’s eyes hooded with desire as he quickly seized the opportunity to scoop me up and crush his lips against mine. I wrapped my legs around him, letting go of the towel as he carried me to his bed. He laid me down and kissed a trail from my neck to my breast. At the intimacy of the moment, my body inwardly fell into turmoil, unsure if I was ready to take that step.

  His free hand grasped my other breast. He caressed and cupped it firmly as he sucked on my nipple. His hand grazed down my body to my hip and then to the inside of my thigh.

  I grasped at the sheets, fisting them in my hands, trying to anchor myself to the moment. Closing my eyes tightly, I felt my body begin to shake. Jordan’s lips and weight came off my body, and he sat up to look at me.

  I felt my body relax in relief at the distance.

  “You’re not ready, Rose. I’d love nothing more than to have you, but you aren’t mine. I’m not sure you will ever be, to be honest.”

  I shook my head in response, unsure of the answer myself, as tears welled in my eyes. “I want to be with you, Jordan. I just feel like I’m strangling you and holding you back from someone who can love you fully.”

  He turned his head and looked away as he chewed on his lips.

  “I think we should take a step back. Be friends. I don’t want to lose you,” I whispered to Jordan, hoping I hadn’t already ruined our friendship.

  I felt his strong finger under my chin as he tilted me to him. “You won’t lose me. No matter what you decide. But, I want you to know that you aren’t holding me back. I’m in love with you.”

  ****

  Finals and winter break passed quickly. Jordan and I stayed up in Tallahassee, while Leslie went home to spend it with Grant. I walked into the apartment, content, after getting my final grades for the semester.

  “Hey, babe. So how did you do?” Jordan asked as he turned the corner. He came around and hugged me then took my books and set them on the table.

  “All As, of course,” I said with an air of cockiness, proud of my achievements.

  “I expected nothing less,” he replied with a wink. “I’m fixing some lunch — fried bologna sandwiches. Good with you?”

  “Yep!” I replied as I headed to the room to change int
o some comfortable clothes. When I came back, the plates of lunch were on the table, and Jordan was sitting there fidgeting nervously.

  “Oh God, what’s the problem?” I asked cautiously, unsure if I wanted to know what was bothering him. Things had been so good. We’d slowed things down a lot, but I was finally settling in, happy being with Jordan without the pressure.

  “I was thinking, but I don’t want you to freak.”

  Okay, now I’m officially freaking out. I set my sandwich down, fighting back the nausea. “Scale of one to ten, ten being total freak-out, Jordan?”

  He laughed.

  That’s it. I’m killing him.

  “Maybe a four,” he said, sounding unsure before continuing. “I was thinking… things have been good.”

  “Yes, really good, Jordan.”

  “Rose, Shh. I’m trying to get this out,” he spat out at me, causing me to laugh. “I want you to move in.”

  WHAT? My jaw hit the floor as my eyes bugged out of my head in shock.

  “Move in?” I said a bit high pitched, trying to process it all.

  “Well, yeah, I mean you are here all the time, and I like you here. I want you here.” He scooted closer, brushing my cheek with his fingertips as I instinctively leaned into him.

  “Jordan, I’m touched, but I can’t leave Leslie. Like you said, I’m here a lot, and a lot of my stuff is already here, but you’re going to have to keep the joint custody with Leslie for now.”

  He laughed at my response, and I knew he hadn’t taken offense at me declining his offer.

  ****

  The next semester flew by, and things really hadn’t changed between Jordan and me; we remained close, but there was no progress in the relationship. As summer break approached, Leslie and I were looking at a flyer we had gotten in our mailbox about a summer abroad, touring Italy.

  “We should do it!” she said as if it was a done deal.

  “What about Grant, Les?”

  “He has to do a whole family thing this summer, and I wanted something to do to keep my mind off him.”

  I had to admit it sounded like a nice escape and would give me the perfect excuse I’d been searching for to not go home.

  “Alright, let’s go.”

  We completed the paperwork and made our payments that day to seal the deal.

  I texted Jordan, asking if we could meet up, knowing I needed to tell him before he heard from Grant. We decided to meet at the café on campus.

  After arriving before Jordan, I found an empty table and sat there trying to decide how to tell him.

  He walked up with a smile on his face, until he met my eyes, no doubt seeing my inner fight. He slouched into the seat in front of me and looked at me expectantly.

  “Hey,” I started, trying to see if he’d already heard our plans.

  “Hey.”

  Crickets.

  “So Leslie and I got a flyer about the summer-abroad trip the school is offering in Italy. She was looking for something to do while Grant was away, and I was looking for a way out of going home, so we’re going.”

  He looked at me, speechless, so I continued. “I’m really excited. I think it will be a great trip, and I’ve wanted to go see Italy for as long as I can remember.”

  The side of his lips turned up as he contemplated what I was saying. “That does sound like fun. I wish I could come, but my classes are killing me.”

  “That’s fine,” I quickly answered. Deep breath. It’s time. Let him go. “Jordan, you know I care for you a lot…”

  He nodded, smiling at me, and my stomach clenched. I hated hurting him.

  “…but this isn’t working,” I said, motioning my hand between the two of us. “It isn’t right. We’re friends, and I don’t feel like anything else will ever happen.”

  Jordan’s face fell with the impact of my words. “I want you to be happy, Rose.”

  I nodded, knowing I was breaking his heart but feeling freer than I had in a year from the guilt that had continued to eat at me because I’d used him as my security blanket.

  “I want you to be happy, Jordan.” I reached across the table to squeeze his hand before getting up to go back to my room to pack for Italy, feeling sadness and relief for letting him go.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Four years later

  “Holy crap, we’re graduating!” Leslie screamed at me.

  The four years at FSU had flown by way too quickly. I smoothed the front of my dress, as I looked myself over in the full-length mirror in my room.

  There was a knock at the door, and Leslie squealed some more. Must be Grant! I was so happy they’d met at the fall festival that day. The two of them were perfect for one another, blissfully happy and getting married in a month. I looked around at Leslie’s boxes, packed up for her to move back home. I needed to find a roommate, or else I was going to go broke fast, trying to pay the apartment rent by myself without the help of my scholarships.

  I walked out to the front room to say hi to Grant and saw Jordan on our couch as well.

  “Hey! Those are my chocolate covered pretzels!” I snatched the bag from him, and he just laughed. I knew he’d go grab them back when I walked away. “Now I know where my food disappears to.”

  Jordan followed closely behind me trying to swipe the bag, so I just gave in and handed it back to him, knowing there was no safe place for them.

  “I’ll buy you a new bag,” he said, giving me a friendly shove.

  “Yeah, whatever, you’re moving away, too. I’m mad at both of you. My pretzels were all I had left!” I whined with a sly smile.

  “Come on, guys, we gotta go to the ceremony, so I can get on the road with my beautiful fiancée,” Grant hollered to us, wrapping his arm around Leslie. He led her out.

  Leslie, Jordan, and I went down to the graduate area and got our caps and gowns. Jordan walked off to his fellow law-student graduates and left Leslie and me to spend some time together.

  “I can’t believe this is it,” Leslie softly said with mistiness in her eyes.

  “I know. Where did the years go?” I asked, thinking about the long nights of studying… the fun weekends with our sorority sisters. Overall, college life had been everything I’d hoped it would be.

  Leslie hugged me gently. “Well, at least I’ll see you soon for my wedding. Are you sure you don’t want me to ride with you? Grant will survive. We both know how hard it is for you to go home. I mean, you have avoided it the last four years. Your mom won’t even recognize you. She has visited what, three times the last four years? With you always having things to do.”

  I looked to the ground, trying to hide my thoughts from Leslie but knowing she could read me in a heartbeat.

  “You bitch. You haven’t told her you’re coming, have you?”

  I shook my head, knowing it was horrible, but I’d just rented a hotel room, figuring I’d see my mom at the wedding and be gone as quickly as I could, hadn’t even sent her an invite to my graduation, knowing she’d try to drag me home sooner. Tallahassee was my home now. I’d applied for a few teaching jobs, and one showed a lot of promise for employment.

  Sitting in the seating area, I looked around at my friends who had become my family the last four years. I saw Grant wave to Leslie and her gush before waving back. I looked over to Jordan, who was happily talking to the guy next to him. I was so relieved I’d gone to Italy. It had been the perfect separation from Jordan to set our relationship squarely back in the friendship category. We’d never had any awkward moments, and he’d even dated on and off.

  Next week Jordan would be off to Officer Candidate School to be a JAG lawyer in the military. I remembered clearly the day he came over to tell me he had signed the paperwork. I’d been nervous but also excited for him to follow his dreams.

  I would miss all of them when we each went our separate ways, but I knew we’d stay in touch and always be there for each other.

  I was dreading heading home in a few weeks. I hadn’t been there since we’d
moved up here four years ago. If it hadn’t been for Leslie’s wedding, I wasn’t sure I would have ever gone home. There were too many bad memories that I’d buried deep down within me years ago.

  My row stood, and I walked with them toward the stage to receive my diploma. When they called my name, I heard Grant, Leslie, and Jordan screaming and cheering loudly for me. I smiled as I shook hands and made my way back to my seat. I had accomplished my dream. I thought of my angel. I’d done this for her, just like I’d promised.

  We went to dinner that night, laughing and talking for hours. Leslie was bursting with excitement for her upcoming nuptials. We’d spent a lot of time recently finishing up last-minute details, and her wedding planner back home had done an amazing job handling things on her end. All I was responsible for now was to come down a week early to throw a bachelorette party and then stand beside her at the wedding in the beautiful dress she’d let me pick out — plus side to being best friends with the bride and the maid of honor. I wouldn’t be stuck with the hideous bridesmaid dress that seemed standard at most weddings.

  Across the table, Grant was whispering in Leslie’s ear, and a look of concern crossed her face as her eyeballs popped out.

  “You did what!” Leslie forcefully shook her head back and forth at him.

  Jordan looked to me, overhearing what they’d said, but I’d been so engrossed in memory lane I had missed it.

  “What?” I asked, wondering what was freaking Leslie out.

  “Umm… Bryant overheard me talking on the phone about the wedding. I needed one more guy on my side, so I asked him to be a groomsman. I’ve known him for forever, and we still hang out when I’m in home and…”

  I watched Grant grasp at straws to explain his actions after not thinking about my end.

  Leslie looked at me with sad eyes.

  “Rose, we can tell him to never mind. He’d understand. He would never want to hurt you.”

  I slowly shook my head in response and pulled out my brave face that I’d tucked away for tense moments that occasionally arose.