Expired Regrets

by Megan C. Smith

  Leslie had talked Grant into driving my truck up so he could tow her car. Then he’d fly back.

  I’d decided to ride with Jordan to keep him company. We rode up in a peaceful quiet, not needing to fill the silence with useless chatting. I chuckled, as I could almost hear Leslie going a mile a minute, talking Grant’s ear off.

  “I can’t believe this is it,” I said aloud to myself.

  “You’ll miss home, one day. At least you found a good home for CZ.” Jordan squeezed my knee in a reassuring gesture.

  I fought the tears back as I considered the girl at the barn who was now leasing my horse. I was still unsure if that was a good or bad thing. I hadn’t even been out to see him since the fall and wasn’t sure I could ever go back after having lost so much that day. CZ was just one more painful memory, so I’d made the decision to let someone else enjoy him.

  We pulled into Jordan’s apartment complex, and the guys unloaded his stuff first and put it in the rooms where it belonged.

  Leslie and I unpacked the boxes, since we weren’t up for the heavy lifting. Once the couch was brought inside, I was so exhausted I sat down and rested my head against a pillow. Jordan and Grant came in carrying boxes and just laughed at me. They admitted they’d all been betting how long I’d hold out before crashing on the couch in exhaustion. Jordan told me to not worry about it and take it easy, but I was tired of doing nothing.

  Leslie came over and plopped down beside me as the guys continued working. Done with Jordan’s stuff, they moved on to putting our few boxes in the corner until Friday when we could move into our dorm.

  Jordan suggested taking everyone to the pub around the corner, so we all piled into his truck and headed out to eat some dinner and relax.

  As soon as we got back, Grant and Leslie snuggled on the couch, and Jordan and I took it as our cue to head to bed as well. I was beat and drifted to sleep easily with no tears for the first time since my world had come crashing down. It seemed my body was already agreeing with the fresh start in Tallahassee.

  Hours later, I jumped up in bed, taking the blankets with me. I looked at the red digital time showing on the alarm clock. Three in the morning. I felt my body tremble and shake as the dream I’d just had replayed in my mind. The tears steadily fell down my face as Jordan sat up.

  “Bad dream?” he asked, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear.

  I pondered the question a moment. “No, it was a beautiful dream. It was the reality when I woke up that hurt,” I said as I wiped my eyes.

  He rubbed my back softly, soothing me as I let the last few tears fall.

  “Funny, when I fell asleep without crying, I was hoping I was doing better,” I said, trying to add a chuckle to make light of the situation. “Some days I feel strong enough to survive this, with you and Leslie helping me and keeping me busy, but at night when I lie down and try to fall asleep, it hits like a ton of bricks. My heart physically hurts.”

  Jordan reached up and placed his hands on either side of my face. He looked into my eyes with his emerald green ones. “It’s going to take time, Rose, and even then, you won’t forget. You’ll just hurt a little less.”

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Friday was there before we knew it, and Jordan was helping us move into our dorm room. When we stepped into the small closet they called a room, it was quickly apparent that there was barely enough room for one bed and desk, much less two.

  Jordan raised an eyebrow at the two of us. “So I guess you girls will be coming over. Often.”

  He snickered as we nodded enthusiastically in reply. We all went down to the orientation area to pick up some paperwork and check out the clubs that had congregated there to attract new students’ attention.

  Leslie was talking to a sorority house as Jordan and I looked at the assortment of clubs set up. Before long, the night had come to an end. Leslie and I were eager to unpack our boxes so we could get settled in. We said goodbye to Jordan after making plans to get together soon.

  When we got to our room¸ we squealed with delight, jumping onto our beds like five year olds on a sugar high.

  “We did it!” Leslie screamed at me as we each flopped, flat on our backs, onto our mattresses.

  We unpacked our few boxes of stuff while jabbering on about how excited we were to start classes Monday. Leslie mentioned rushing together and joining a sorority. “We could be sisters even more than we already are!” she gushed at me.

  I just nodded, knowing arguing would be pointless since she had obviously made her mind up. After getting things squared away and my bed made, I lay on it again, hoping to wind down and relax.

  Leslie took my silence as her chance to call Grant. He had been away from a whole twenty-four hours, and she was already having separation anxiety. I rolled my eyes before turning and putting the pillow over my head to drown out the sound of their mushy talk. Of course, I couldn’t fall asleep, so I unlocked my phone to play a game of Sudoku, thinking my brain needed a good workout to shut off. As I sat their expending all my brainpower, concentrating on the game, a text message came through from Jordan.

  J: Hey, sweetheart. What are you up to? My bed feels so big without you hogging it!

  I quickly typed out a snarky reply, laughing at him as I got back to my game.

  BUZZ…

  J: Yes, you do hog the bed, but I do miss you being here, too.

  I smiled to myself at his honesty and replied to him saying that I was tired and going to sleep.

  BUZZ...

  J: Goodnight. Sweet dreams. Be sure to take your meds to help you sleep. If you need me call me, don’t worry about the time.

  I decided to ignore that one. It seemed each response warranted another, and at that rate, I’d never get to sleep. I needed to learn to separate myself from Jordan and stand on my own. It was too much to lean on him for support and expect him to be there all the time. Our relationship felt like it was becoming just another crutch, and I wanted to move past it.

  That weekend Leslie and I stayed busy applying for jobs at the local diner and pub on campus to provide a little extra cash flow. Even with the state scholarships for graduating with a good GPA we were getting, we figured occasionally it would be nice to have something besides a PB&J or prepackaged noodles for a meal.

  Monday was finally here. Between the nerves and excitement, I was up earlier than the sun. Leslie squinted in my direction before rolling over and putting a pillow over her head. Definitely not a morning person. I got dressed quickly and straightened my hair before applying some mascara to my lashes. Appraising myself in the mirror, I decided I looked pretty good for my first day. Nice, but not trying too hard. I made my way out of the room, quietly shutting and locking the door behind me. I was heading out to my first college class.

  An excruciating sixty minutes later, I realized college wasn’t much different from high school, just with fewer friends at this point. Time to change that! I texted Leslie to see if she wanted to meet up at Starbucks and discuss which of the houses we’d be interested in joining together, to kick off our social life.

  ****

  The first month passed by quickly, as Leslie and I rushed and pledged Alpha Delta Pi. It was time for my six-week follow up. The sterile and medicinal smell infiltrated my nose as I flipped through a women’s magazine that was in the waiting room. The vinyl chair creaked loudly with each shift of my weight. The OB-GYN I had been referred to up here from my doctor back home seemed nice enough, but all I could see were pregnant happy women and pictures of babies everywhere I looked.

  The nurse called me toward the patient rooms, looking from my paperwork to my empty hands to my stomach a few times, confused.

  “You had a C-section, correct?” she asked me with a quizzical look on her face.

  I nodded in reply, trying to avoid eye contact with the millions of baby photos on the wall that were staring at me. She directed me to a chair in the hallway, asking me to take a seat as she ran back to the front to grab something. I hadn’t bee
n waiting long when she returned with a somber look on her face.

  “Okay, hun, let’s get your vitals real quick, and we’ll get you out of here.”

  Out of here, YES — PLEASE.

  She ushered me into a room that had no photos of babies for a change, and I figured she must have finally read up on my medical history. She seemed intent on avoiding eye contact when taking my vitals and then quickly stepped out with a sniffle.

  Great, I’m a walking pity case.

  The doctor knocked, and then walked in introducing herself. Mentally, I had already checked out and did not hear a word she’d said. She was very clinical and quickly looked me over, checking my incision site before giving me an all clear to move on in life and be one-hundred percent again.

  If only it was that simple.

  Once she stepped out, I quickly dressed and made a mad dash from the building to the trashcan to puke. I sat on the bench and began to weep. I had kept myself so busy for the last month that by the time I hit the mattress each day, I’d passed out from exhaustion. I still cried occasionally but had made progress in leaving the torturous memories behind me. This appointment had made them all come rushing back.

  I felt someone sit next to me and instantly smelled the familiar woodsy bodywash. Comfort and relief seeped into my body as he pulled me in and cradled within the comfort of his arms.

  “Why didn’t you call me? I’d have come with you.” Jordan’s smooth voice soothed over my aching heart.

  “I know… but I thought I was tough enough,” I responded softly.

  Jordan rubbed my back a moment before pulling me to my feet. “Well, luckily Leslie saw the reminder on your calendar and called me. Come on, mopey. It’s Friday, and I know Grant is up here visiting, so your dorm with Leslie is probably barricaded closed. Come to my apartment. I’ll feed you, and we can watch a movie.”

  I smiled at the ease that life with Jordan entailed as we got up to head back to his apartment. I sent a quick text to Leslie to let her know the place was all hers and got back a wink face. Not sure if that had been aimed toward her or me.

  As soon as we arrived at his apartment, Jordan went to his room to change into a pair of basketball shorts and a t-shirt. When he came out, he tossed a pair of sweat pants and a shirt at me. I’d worn them a lot when I’d stayed with him, so much they smelled as much like me as they did him.

  I got up and headed to his room to change my clothes real quick as he ordered a pizza for us. Setting my folded clothes on his dresser, I noticed a framed photo taken of us at the beach from when we’d first started dating. Seemed like ages ago. I touched the photo with my fingertips, admiring the innocent smile on my face and pure bliss in my eyes at the carefree nature of my world. If only I could rewind to that day and tell myself to guard my heart and listen to Jordan.

  There was a light knock at the door before Jordan peeked in.

  “You decent?”

  I rolled my eyes at him, shoving his shoulder as I headed out to the couch to choose a movie. Just as the opening credits ended, the pizza guy knocked one the door, and Jordan jumped up to get it. He filled our plates and re-joined me on the couch

  I noticed he’d ordered my favorite combination, pepperoni, mushrooms, olives, and pineapple. I smiled at him as he picked off the olives from his own.

  “You know, I can eat any kind of pizza. You didn’t have to get my favorite and torture yourself!”

  Jordan shook his head at me as he picked off the last olive. “Rose, for you, I’d do anything if it made you smile for just a second.”

  My face heated with the blush rising to my cheeks, and I focused my attention on the movie and my pizza.

  Two movies later, it was close to midnight. I cleaned up the plates and put the leftover pizza away. A yawn escaped my lips as my sleepiness urged me to bed.

  “You ready to hit the sack?”

  I grunted in reply, turning to trudge my way to the room and collapse on his bed. I heard the click of the deadbolt as Jordan locked the front door then shut off the lights and made his way toward the bedroom. I heard his shirt come off as the cotton brushed up him, and it made my body tremble with awareness, needy for affection. Get a grip!

  “You okay? Would you feel more comfortable if I slept on the couch and gave you some space? I know today was an emotionally long day,” Jordan asked with some hesitation in his voice.

  “Don’t be silly. This is your bed.” I chuckled, trying to lighten the tension I was feeling. As the bed dipped to his weight, I felt myself turn against my will toward him to be held.

  Jordan wrapped me in his arms, and I sighed as my body nestled into him. It was so comfortable, so easy to be with him. His eyes met mine as I chewed on my lip, trying to figure out what I was feeling. His tongue darted out before he leaned toward me and placed a gentle kiss on my lips. I lay there in shock that he was kissing me.

  Jordan had always been able to sense my inner turmoil. He pulled back then drew me to him and rested his chin on the top of my head. While the kiss lacked the luster and passion I had shared with Bryant, it was enjoyable, and sparked something within my body, reminding me I was still alive and needed to move on.

  I tilted my head back and moved my lips to Jordan’s to kiss him in return. His hands moved down to my hips, and he squeezed gently. He melded his lips to my own, sending tingles down my spine. As he rolled to his back, pulling me on top of him, I realized I could control the situation. I kissed him and let my tongue trace his, but knew I wasn’t ready to go much farther.

  I could feel Jordan’s grip tighten on my hips, knowing he was probably using every ounce of self-control that he had not to push me. I began to pull away emotionally and physically a bit, softening the force with each kiss until I twisted myself to just lying beside him as he trailed my hip with his fingers. Content, I drifted off to sleep in his arms, feeling as complete as I had in a while.

  When I woke up the next morning, the bed was noticeably vacant of Jordan’s warmth. I walked out to the kitchen after a pit stop in the restroom to handle my morning hygiene routine. Luckily for me, Jordan had brought me a toothbrush that I’d left there for emergencies. As I got closer, the smell of bacon and pancakes hit my nose, and my stomach rumbled in anticipation. As I turned into the room, Jordan gave me a mega-watt smile that knocked me back.

  “Morning, sweetheart. Breakfast is almost ready.”

  At the word sweetheart, I inwardly cringed as a picture of Bryant flashed in my mind. Close that chapter, Rose! I took a seat at the table, and Jordan delivered the pancakes and bacon and planted a kiss on my cheek. He went back to the fridge to grab the blueberry syrup he knew I’d want, and I smiled in appreciation at how he’d made a point to always get me my favorite of a particular item.

  Jordan always made me feel special and knew me better than almost anyone. His hand came across the table, open to mine, and I reached out to hold is, looking at him.

  “Rose, I was thinking, I mean, I know it may be too soon…”

  I waited patiently as he seemed to gather his thoughts.

  “I still care for you a lot and want to see where this goes — when you’re ready.”

  I just kind of nodded my head, unsure of what I wanted to say. Was I ready? “I do like you, Jordan. I —I feel safe and happy when I’m with you,” I stammered, trying to figure things out. What do you want, Rose? “We can see where it goes. Let’s just take our time.”

  His whole face lit up with a smile, like a child who had just received the best Christmas present ever, and he leaned in to kiss me, sealing the deal. Suddenly, Bryant’s crooked grin flashed in my mind again, making me regret my decision. I felt as if I’d just made a deal with the devil. My phone rang with Leslie’s photo flashing on the screen, and I was thankful for the interruption.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  The leaves had all fallen from the trees, and while it was Florida and there was no snow, I could feel the icy chill in the wind as it cut through my jacket on my walk to Jordan
’s apartment. Finals were quickly approaching, and after that was winter break. I hadn’t realized how so much time had already passed up here in Tallahassee.

  While in the beginning, Grant had tried to go back and forth, it seemed now, more times than not, he was up here, taking up residence in our dorm. While I was still staying at the dorm with Leslie, I ended up at Jordan’s just as often, almost moving in, keeping personal things and half my wardrobe there. Life with him was so comfortable and easy. Yet as much as I enjoyed being close, my heart always felt like something was off, our relationship never having the spark of passion that it had with Bryant.

  The guilt was eating away at me for letting myself fall into this life with Jordan, feeling as if I was leading him on. He’d listened to me pour my heart out more times that I could even count, drying my eyes and soothing my worries. I was so lucky to have him in my life, yet I wasn’t sure the same could be said for him. I owed it to him to try. After he had given me so much of him the past year, I knew that he deserved my best effort.

  “Hey, Jordan, I’m back,” I called into the house as I walked in the front door.

  “Hey you, how was class?” Jordan hollered from his bedroom.

  After kicking off my boots, I walked back toward his bedroom just as he opened the door and came out, looking handsome as ever in a pair of denim jeans and a polo.

  “Grant and Leslie will be here soon for our double date.” He wiggled air quotes around the words, making me giggle.

  “That’s right. I’m just going to go freshen up. I’ll be out in just a minute.” I continued past him into the bedroom that we shared, letting my fingers skim against the back of his hand as I passed by.

  ****

  Grant and Leslie had hung out at the apartment all day. The guys had cooked us dinner, and we’d all kicked back and relaxed while having a few drinks before the weekend was over, when we would be faced with finals.