Dare to Trust

by R Gendreau-Webb

  “Why? Now I can’t care about you?” There was irritation in Jason’s voice. The past week and a half had left him stressed and emotionally drained. The way Mia kept pushing him away was making it worse. “You’re not the only one who this has affected,” he threw at her.

  That had been the wrong thing to say. Mia’s eyes flew open and she shot Jason an angry look. “I’m sorry to have inconvenienced you,” she replied, her tone cool.

  Jason sighed loudly. He didn’t want an argument with her. “Jesus, Mia, that isn’t what I meant and you know it.”

  “You don’t need to remind me how I failed,” Mia scoffed. “And you didn’t want it anyway!” she threw at him.

  “I didn’t say that!” Jason shouted as he hit the steering wheel. “It wasn’t anybody’s fault, Mia. It just happened.” He really believed that. He no longer thought Mia had become pregnant on purpose.

  She didn’t say another word. As soon as they arrived back home, Mia quickly climbed out of the car and went upstairs. She changed and got into bed. Tears stung her eyes as she cocooned herself in the bed covers. Why had she lost the baby? Her mind kept returning to that question but never arriving at an answer.

  “You’re back in bed?” Jason interrupted her thoughts. Mia looked up at him through her tears. He was standing in the doorway of the master bedroom, frustration lined his face.

  “Tired,” she mumbled.

  Jason walked towards the bed and sat on it next to Mia. “I wish you’d talk to me,” he told her, trying to be supportive. Jason was struggling with trying to find a way to reach out and comfort Mia. Nothing was working. “This isn’t easy on either one of us.” Mia ignored him and slowly turned over on the mattress. Her face was buried in the pillow.

  “I didn’t get pregnant on purpose.”

  “What? Is that what this is about? You think I’m angry that you were pregnant?” Jason was astounded. Didn’t Mia realize how much he loved her? Pregnant or not? How could she have any doubts after the past few years together. He blew out a long, hot breath. “I just wished you would have told me, Mia.”

  “I was going to.” She let out a breath. “But I was scared of your reaction,” she admitted.

  “I don’t know how I would have reacted,” Jason yelled, no longer being able to contain his frustration. “But I still love you. Don’t you realize that?”

  “Maybe,” she mumbled. “But how will you feel if it happens again?” She had asked a fair question and Jason honestly had no idea.

  When Mia returned to work, a few weeks later, she continued to be quiet and withdrawn. Being in the ED only reminded Mia of what had happened and how she had failed, losing the baby. It took all of her strength just to hold back the tears and emotion and function at the hospital.

  Most of her colleagues were aware of what had transpired, as she had been a patient in the emergency room. She functioned with precision in her role of an emergency room physician, but never smiled and never participated in small talk. Her mentor noticed Mia’s change immediately.

  “Are you up to being back at work?” Dr. Scott asked Mia at the end of her second shift back in the ED. She had simply nodded. He studied her, noting the pale complexion and her red-rimmed, puffy eyes. “Everything okay at home?”

  “Yes, fine.” Mia’s response was clipped.

  Dr. Scott knew she was lying. “Jason okay?”

  “I really don’t want to talk about this,” Mia snapped.

  Her mentor sighed. “Well, I hope you’re talking to Jason,” he said. “You’re not yourself, Mia.”

  Jason continued to experience the same distance from her at home. When not at work, Mia spent most of her time in bed, burrowed under the covers. She barely ate and didn’t engage in any small talk with Jason. She certainly wasn’t interested in any physical affection from him. He felt it was an effort to get a one word answer out of her. He tried to be understanding and give her space---obviously that was what she needed. But he had experienced a loss, too. He was growing tired of Mia keeping him at a distance.

  Jason knocked on the closed bedroom door and as he did, rolled his eyes. It was his bedroom---why did he knock? “Mia, did you remember about the dinner tonight?” He figured she had not since she was still in bed. The blinds and drapes were closed, as they had been for weeks, to seal in the darkness.

  “I can’t go,” she said quietly.

  Frustration built inside him. Jason was one of a few detectives receiving an award for acts of bravery. It was an important night to him, and Mia should be at his side for it. She needed to get out of that damn bed and start living again. She had agreed to go a few days prior to the miscarriage, almost a month ago. “Why not?” he demanded.

  She didn’t answer. Jason stood at the side of the bed and threw back the covers. “Mia, get up,” he demanded. “You’re going with me tonight.” He resisted the urge to yank her out of the bed.

  “Go without me.” She didn’t move.

  “I’m doing everything without you!” Jason shouted at her. “I’m tired of you moping around---work and sleep, that’s it! What about me?” he demanded, his bottled up feelings leaking out. “Losing the baby didn’t just happen to you,” he informed her, his voice vulnerable with hurt. Mia could see the pain in his eyes and felt responsible. She hated hurting him.

  His words registered, Mia heard him loud and clear, but didn’t have the strength to counter. Mia stayed immobile in the bed. She said nothing. After a few moments of silence, Jason shook his head angrily and disappeared into the master bathroom, slamming the door. As she heard the shower start, knew he was right. She knew she should get up and get ready to go to the dinner with him. She should be proud and supportive of her man, but she didn’t have the energy or will to move. Jason ended up going to the dinner alone.

  She heard him arrive home hours later from the dinner. She had remained in bed although slept very little. It seemed work consumed all of her energy and when home, Mia only had stamina to lie in bed. She expected Jason to descend up the stairs and come into the bedroom. He didn’t.

  Jason threw his tie on the desk and sat on the leather couch in the study. The night had been a painful reminder to him of the loss he and Mia had suffered, not only the baby but in their relationship. All night, people questioned where Mia was, why she wasn’t there. Some people close to Jason knew about the miscarriage and they offered sympathies. He hadn’t wanted sympathies or to be in the position to offer up excuses why his significant other didn’t attend. But he had plastered a fake smile on his face and given short answers to the questions. He gave no indication that Mia was slipping away from him. Their relationship was dying. He wanted Mia back, wanted them to move on. He needed her and she wasn’t there. The fact that he couldn’t seem to do anything to make her the least bit happy wounded him even more.

  He stood and grabbed the decanter of scotch, pouring a drink. He knew he shouldn’t be, but he was angry with Mia. He had been patient, understanding. He was at the end of his rope. She needed to give some, they needed to heal together. Jason slept on the couch that night.

  Mia had waited for Jason to come upstairs into their bedroom. She owed him an apology. She wanted to try to explain why she hadn’t accompanied him to the ceremony. Apologize for having the miscarriage. But Jason never came upstairs. Mia had felt even more like a failure and a burden.

  It had been over six weeks since the miscarriage. Jason had put in a long, fifteen hour day at work and had felt a bit of dread as he drove home. Lately, home had been a place of confrontation and guilt. He was physically exhausted from the long day, emotionally exhausted from the past month. He needed to feel close to Mia, to feel that she still loved him. Jason couldn’t bear much more of being pushed away and ignored by Mia.

  She was already in bed, but not yet asleep. He undressed and slid into bed next to her. "Hi." He rubbed Mia's back and hugged her to him. Jason felt relief that she didn't pull away from his touch. Lately, he had been made to feel dirty when he innocently to
uched her; Mia would tense and cower away from him. He kissed her neck, his lips grazing her soft skin and reached under her t-shirt. He felt her slight resistance as his palm skimmed over her belly. He was instantly hard; his body craved hers with carnal need. It had been weeks since they had made love. He desperately wanted to close the chiasm that had been built between them since her hospitalization.

  "Jason," she whispered, "I don't know if I can." Her body was responding but she knew she wasn’t ready.

  "I love you, Mia," he said as he kissed her again. “Tell me you love me,” he pleaded when she remained silent.

  “I do,” she said.

  “Say it,” Jason begged in her ear. Even if he had to beg for the words, he needed to hear them.

  “I love you, Jay,” Mia told him quietly. Her tone was unconvincing.

  He nuzzled her neck and stripped the t-shirt off her. Mia wouldn’t talk to him, but they could still physically express their love for each other. "I'll stop if you tell me to, but I need you." His eyes pleaded with her. She didn’t say anything, so Jason bent his head down towards her breasts as his lips found her nipple.

  She let him make love to her. It was uncomfortable for her and awkward, not the love making they were used to experiencing with each other. As soon as he had started, Jason knew it was a mistake, but for once, he had been selfish and hadn’t stopped until he felt his release. She started to cry as he rolled off her. Guilt instantly hit him and Jason got out of bed. Ignoring Mia’s tears, he grabbed the pants he had thrown on the floor, slipped them on and retreated downstairs. He had wanted to feel connected and wanted by her and had known it had been wrong. There had been no connection or healing, just a physical release for him. That had been the last time they had made love.

  She started making calls the next day. Mia felt as though she was being suffocated; she needed to get away from all reminders of what had happened. Mia was sure if she didn’t leave, she’d go crazy.

  At first, she hadn’t told Jason about her new job. Mia had interviewed twice via phone and had accepted the new position in the Maine emergency room without actually visiting. She had rented a cottage in the ocean-side town with the help of a realtor, having only seen photos that had been emailed to her.

  She told Kate before she gave Jason the news. Her friend had been brutally honest with her. “You’re making a mistake, Mia. A huge one. How can you throw away what you have with Jason?”

  “You don’t understand,” Mia had responded. “He doesn’t, either. I need to get out of here! I can’t stand it!” Tears had stung her eyes. She desperately wanted to forget what had happened and feel normal again.

  “You’re depressed, Mia. Running isn’t going to fix it. Jason loves you---talk to him.”

  “I can’t,” Mia had whispered. “I just can’t.”

  “Then talk to a therapist. Talk to me. But running isn’t going to fix anything.”

  “I can’t stay here,” Mia had responded.

  Jason kept coming home later and later. There didn’t seem to be much reason to come at all home lately. Mia was more distant than ever since he had last made love to her. Tonight, it was after nine. He was more than surprised to see Mia sitting up, waiting for him. “Are you okay?’ he had asked her, his eyes narrowing as he looked at her with suspicion.

  “I wanted to talk to you.”

  He didn’t like the sound of that. “Okay.” He sat down next to her. The strain of the past several weeks was visible on both of their faces.

  “I took a job that I’m starting when my residency ends in a month.”

  “I assumed the hospital had offered you a job.”

  Mia shook her head. “No, not in Boston.”

  Jason was confused. “BMC didn’t offer you an ED job?”

  “Well, yes, they did. I didn’t take it. I don’t want to work there.”

  Concern lined Jason’s face. “You’ve been there for years and you were happy. I don’t understand.” He nervously licked his lips. He didn’t like the way this conversation was heading.

  “I’m moving to Maine.” Mia waited for him to respond---argue, yell, make a sarcastic comment. Jason gave her nothing. “Did you hear me?”

  “Yeah, I heard you.” His voice was full of restrained anger. He stood and started to pace in front of her. “You’re leaving me,” he accused. Jason was acutely aware that something between them had to give, something had to be changed. This had not been what he had wanted or expected.

  “Yes.” Her voice was a mere whisper as tears glistened in her eyes.

  “Well, don’t let the door hit you in the ass,” he hissed, glaring at her and then disappeared out the front door.

  He stayed out all night. It was early the next morning when Jason unlocked the front door and sought Mia out. He had walked around the streets of Boston for hours and then returned to the precinct, working on paperwork for the remainder of the night. He had left just before the sun came up.

  Mia heard him come up the stairs. She was in bed but hadn’t slept.

  “I’m sorry,” he told her as he stood in the bedroom doorway. Jason paused and when she didn’t say anything, moved towards the bed. He stood next to the bed, looking down at her. Mia studied his face, full of despair and desperation, hating herself for the obvious pain she was causing him. “Let me make things right,” he begged her. “I’m sorry about all of the yelling, forcing myself on you….damn it, Mia, I’m sorry. I love you. Please don’t leave me.” Jason looked like a little boy begging to get back his favorite toy that had been taken from him.

  “I can’t stay.” Mia willed herself not to cry again. She knew she needed to leave for self-preservation. Here, she was so broken. She had also convinced herself that she had caused the miscarriage and all of the pain Jason had gone through. If she left, he wouldn’t suffer anymore. She got out of the bed, moving towards the bathroom. “I have to get ready for work,” she told him as she shut the door and turned on the shower.

  He had tried to change her mind over the remaining weeks of her residency. It hadn’t mattered. Jason had even talked to Dr. Scott, knowing what an influence he was on Mia. He had apologized to Jason, telling him that since Mia had returned to work, she had seemed unreachable. Dr. Scott felt he no longer had any influence over her. He shared with Jason that he had tried to convince Mia to take the position at BMC once her residency was done. Dr. Scott obviously hadn’t changed her mind. Once Mia had finished the residency a month later, she had left the hospital.

  Jason’s phone had alarmed in the middle of the night. He had quietly dressed and exited the brownstone without waking her up. Now, he raced back to the brownstone before Mia left. She had been warning him of her departure day and time for over a month now. There was no way he wasn’t going to be there.

  Mia was mildly surprised when she heard the key working the lock of the front door. Jason had been gone when she had awoken; she figured he had vacated on purpose, not wanting the final confrontation. She didn’t know that he had been called in the early morning hours because of a case.

  “You’re still here,” he observed as he stepped through the door. He wanted to gather her into his arms and beg her to reconsider. He resisted because he knew she would go no matter what he said or did. He had planned on taking Mia to Hawaii and proposing, not saying goodbye. A few months ago, he had planned the Hawaiian vacation to celebrate Mia finishing her residency and propose to her. Jason had purchased the airline tickets, rented an ocean-front villa and most importantly, had the engagement ring. The ring had been his grandmother’s; Jason had taken it to a jeweler and had the diamond re-set in a platinum setting. He had been convinced Mia would love it. And now, it didn’t seem like she would ever see it.

  He hadn’t even told her about those plans---she had miscarried and then it had never seemed to be the right time to tell her. That event had seemingly started to unravel everything they had built together.

  Jason walked closer to her and brushed dark hair from her face. He could
see that there were tears forming in her dark eyes. He softly kissed her forehead and then her lips. “You don’t have to go, Mia. I don’t want you to go.”

  She moved away from him. The intimacy was making things harder. He didn’t understand. She didn’t belong here, didn’t fit into his world. And after what had happened, she needed to escape. “Jason, you know I have to. We’ve discussed this so many times.” She sighed. But not once had they discussed a future and possible children. What was left to say? They had shared two years together. It was over.

  Jason raked his hand through his dirty blonde hair. His blue eyes narrowed at her. “You’re choosing to. You were offered a position here in Boston but you choose not to take it. You’re choosing to leave me. I don’t understand.”

  “Nothing I can say at this point is going to make you understand, Jason. I can’t stay after…I’m sorry.” Mia bent down and picked up her bag. The rest had already been packed in her car. She brushed past him, opened the front door and walked through. He started to tell her again that he loved her that they could work things out, but the words died in his throat. He didn’t turn around to see her exit, but heard the door close.

  Slowly, Jason made his way into the living room. He sat down on the dark leather couch, his head bent down, resting in in his hands. What had he done wrong? He was sure Mia loved him, yet she had just walked out of his life. He sat there, in the darkened living room until the shrill of his cell phone cut into the silence. “Howard,” he barked into it. Dispatch was on the line. He was summoned to another homicide.

  As he parked his BMW along the side walk of the side street, Jason quietly swore. The flashing lights from the police cruisers and an ambulance fueled an ache behind his eyes. He felt unraveled and vulnerable after the scene with Mia at home. He sat in his car for a few extra moments, summoning the gruff Boston detective to show himself instead of the broken man he felt like.

  “Hey, Howard,” his partner, Detective Keith Grimes, greeted him as they both ducked under the yellow police tape. Jason felt weary, not at all in the mood to take in a crime scene. He couldn’t focus. “Looks like the boyfriend did her in.” Grimes led the way up a narrow, rickety staircase to a second floor apartment. Sprawled on the living room floor was a young woman, open eyes glazed over and unseeing. It appeared she had been strangled. “There were reports of a fight and struggle from the neighbors, one of them saw the boyfriend run from the apartment. The door was partially open and she was found like this.”