iFeel

by Marissa Carmel

  I guess Derrin left that part out.

  I look up into his wondering eyes. “I found out that, that he doesn’t hate you; he hates himself. He blames himself for losing his family, because he wanted to go with you. He wanted some adventure and to get out of that impoverished little town just as much as you did. He also projects all his anger onto you because he knows you’ll always love him, no matter what.”

  Justice’s eyes tremble as I speak; I can tell he’s fighting vehemently to hold his composure “You got all that from one touch?” He asks.

  It’s amazing what one touch can tell me.” I say echoing Cross.

  “There’s more.” I don’t know if this information is helping him or hurting him, but I have to divulge it all. No matter what. “He thinks about them every day, and every day the pain cuts the same piece of his heart. The piece he reserved only for them. It’s his service of remembrance.”

  Justice doesn’t say anything when I’m finished, but I can see the information being absorbed. The look that passes over his face is one I have never seen before, not on anyone. I couldn’t even explain it if I wanted to. He shudders a bit, then anchors his hands against the edge of the counter and drops his head in front of me.

  I don’t know what to do. I can only imagine that one hundred and fifty years of hate and blame is swirling around trying to find their place inside. I secretly wish they would find an escape out of his ears or mouth never to return.

  He finally looks up, and then kisses me chastely on the lips. It is a soft kiss, tender and sweet. Yet, it is still able to twist my senses. “That’s the best gift I’ve ever gotten in two lifetimes.” He whispers.

  I smile. “You’re welcome.”

  “Can you do me a favor now?” He asks with pertinent eyes.

  “Anything.”

  “Can you promise you won’t ever do that again? It’s bad enough you have one supernatural entity after you, I don’t need you adding another one to the list.”

  “Promise.” I hold up scouts honor.

  “Good,” he grabs my neck and pulls me into his chest, then kisses my tousled hair.

  “You must be tired from all the excitement,” he says lifting me off the countertop.

  “A little,” I admit, and then shake my head mind boggled, “Derrin.”

  “Trust me, I know,” he smirks, and then grabs my hand to lead me off to bed. I look down at the word inked on his forearm and gently brush my thumb across the letters. It bothers me, and it will always be a reminder for him.

  “What?” He asks.

  “I hate that tattoo.”

  He quickly glances down at it and then back at me with an impish smile. He drops my hand then licks his first and second fingers. He lifts his forearm and runs them over the indelible dye. The letters smudge like the blackout underneath a quarterback’s eyes.

  “How’d you do that?!”

  He just gleams. “It’s never permanent.”

  There is so much power in that statement I don’t think he nearly understands its magnitude. But me, I know. You can move on, if you accept to let go. Maybe my reckless behavior will give him the incentive to take the first steps in a long journey.

  I really hope so.

  After seeing the letters wiped away I’m elated.

  “Now I need to figure out something new to put there.” He twists his forearm.

  “How about Rapture?” I suggest.

  “That could be an option,” he contently considers.

  ***

  It’s dark in Justice’s room, only faint moonlight shines through the windows. It isn’t enough for my eyes to see, but I don’t need to see, all I need is to feel. To feel Justice’s body next to mine, his arm around my waist and his chest pressed firmly against my back. It is the safest place in my world. This moment, right now, is what I wait all day for. What I look forward to. Just to be near him. No inhibitions between us.

  I’m caught somewhere between dreams and consciousness when I hear him move; I’m getting used to the sound of his silence.

  “Are you leaving me?” I ask into the darkness.

  I instantly feel one arm wrap back around my waist and his lips pressed firmly against my ear. “I’ll never leave you,” he says in a pleasurable tone.

  “Then where are you going?” I wonder in a drowsy voice.

  “To see Derrin,” he whispers.

  I grip his hand and pull his arm tighter around me. I’m going to leave that one alone. I’ve had enough of Derrin for one night, maybe even for one lifetime.

  “Go to sleep, I’ll be here when you wake up,” he tells me, and with that, I am fully immersed in dreamland.

  Paradise Lost

  I watch the raindrops get swallowed up into the sea from Justice’s window. It’s been raining for a week straight this chilly April.

  “Do you think we are ever going to see the sun again?” I ask aloud.

  “You know what they say, April showers bring may flowers,” Justice says lounging among his cloudy white comforters.

  “The way this weather’s going it’s going to bring an Amazon rainforest.” I contest fretfully. “I’m starting to get cabin fever.”

  “We do live in the Garden State,” he says lightly. “And haven’t we come a long way; you actually want to leave the house?” He loves teasing me about my newfound glory.

  I shoot him a cynical look. “It’s not like I want to walk down Bourbon Street in the middle of Mardi Gras, but a stroll on the beach would be nice.”

  He bounces off the bed and comes to stand behind me. He presses his hand over mine against the glass.

  “We could watch a movie,” he suggests.

  I grimace.

  “Or not.”

  We stare out the window watching the rain.

  “I could read to you.”

  “What?” I turn around to face him. “How 1800’s romantic.”

  “Well, I am an 1800’s kind of guy,” he winks with a smirk. “I remember my father reading to my mother when she was sick,” he reminisces. “No matter how many times he read the same story, she always found joy in it. I think she just liked hearing his voice.”

  “I would love that.” I tell him imagining what it would be like to hear his angelic voice render a novel.

  There is a sudden knock on the door. We both look over to see Derrin standing in the doorway. He looks excited, almost like a child on Christmas morning. He concentrates on Justice. Ever since our little encounter, he tries to avoid me in every, and any way possible, even if that means blatantly ignoring me when I’m standing right in front of him. I invaded a private part of him, and that is going to take time to get over.

  One positive thing did come out of my emotional excursion though; Derrin and Justice are getting along better. It isn’t patently obvious, but their mannerisms are a little more relaxed, and there isn’t such extreme tension circling around them anymore. They’re working on mending their broken relationship; it isn’t going to happen overnight, but at least it is happening. Nice to know I managed to do something right.

  “Feel up for some jet skiing?” Derrin asks in his seductive voice.

  Justice looks down at me. His face seeming to adopt the same excitement Derrin’s has.

  “What do you think? Reading Rainbow later?”

  I look outside at the nasty weather. “It’s raining,” I frown. And like thirteen degrees out. “I’m not really one for extreme sports.”

  Derrin laughs at me, “jet skiing is not an extreme sport.”

  “I’m sure when you do it, it is,” I rebut. “Besides, I don’t have bathing suit and it’s freezing out.”

  Derrin shakes his head; I have to admit I can’t believe he’s actually talking to me. “Don’t you know anything? You have your own personal space heater, and Daniel will conjure you a suit.”

  Well, when he pushes me into a corner like that, it doesn’t look like I have much of a choice.

  “Ok,” I agree hesitantly, besides; I can see how much Ju
stice wants to go.

  “Great,” he grins wickedly. “See you two down stairs in twenty,” and then he is gone.

  I curl my lip at Justice, “I’m not so sure about this.”

  “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure Daniel conjures you a wet suit too. I promise this will be fantastical.”

  I give him strange look; that’s a bizarre word to use.

  Justice leads me into the basement, in the bathroom hangs a black-and white-chain link bikini. I look at the tag. Versace, I should have known. Designer is so Daniel’s style.

  I try to prolong my wardrobe change, but Justice isn’t having it.

  “Liv hurry up! The others are already in the water!”

  I shimmy into the wetsuit “coming!” I hate it when he rushes me.

  We hurry outside as the rain pours down on our heads. There is one lonely jet ski left on the sand. The blue and white markings look exactly like the ones on his ricer. He pushes the machine into the water. I stand there watching, and freezing. My hair is soaked, and I am already chilled to the bone.

  This is going to be hell.

  “Liv come on!” Justice yells with his hand out to me. I dread putting my bare feet into the water. I know the unpleasant temperature it holds.

  “Liv! Do I have to carry you?” He yells again.

  “Is that an option?” I yell back.

  He rolls his eyes.

  I take a deep breath and run into the water. It feels like icicles are slicing up my ankles. I jump onto the ski and grab hold of Justice, who is already toasty warm. I am going to be so sick after this.

  We take off after the others. The water is choppy, and the ski bounces relentlessly. My butt feels like it’s getting paddled like frat boy’s during Rush week. How is this fun?

  I double lock my arms around Justice’s waist and bury my head against his back. I don’t know how far we traveled, but when I look back The Cliff’s seem smaller than a doll house.

  “How far are we going out?” I ask over the whine of the jet-ski.

  “As far as it takes.”

  Whatever that means? Justice and his cryptic answers. I just nuzzle my head back into place and remain miserable.

  We finally catch up to the others.

  “Took you long enough Justice!” Aayden yells.

  “Liv! Look!” Justice nudges me. I don’t want to pull my head up and get attacked by the icy rain drops, but I do as he asks. I wipe the salt away from my face, so I can see clearly. At first, I think my eyes are playing tricks; I have to rub them twice. But it is there, a brilliant ray of sunshine beaming out of the dark billows ahead, almost as if the heavens are trying to crack through the clouds above us.

  The blue water in the clearing sparkles like it is diamond studded with a perfect rainbow arched above the illusionary scene. As we get closer the boys begin to smolder with excitement. Their bodies engulfed in translucent flames. As we enter into the sunlight, awe-inspiring warmth touches my face. I am at a loss for words. How is this possible? It’s like paradise in the middle of a grey desert. Now I understand why Justice used the word fantastical. Because that’s what it is, as if I have driven right into a dream.

  The boys fan out around us, the flying skis sending sprays of tiny glistening beads in every direction. Justice goes easy with me, but I know he really wants to let loose like the others. Jayden pulls up alongside of us.

  “Liv you better hold on, Justice likes to do tricks,” he says then zooms away. But he doesn’t have to tell me what I already know; there is an inhibited side to Justice, a wild streak he restrains because of me.

  I look down into the sparkling water; I decide to take a dip and give Justice a chance to unfetter. Besides, how many girls can say they swam through a sea of diamonds and actually mean it?

  So I do. I let go abruptly and let the sea have me. It is as warm as the air on my face, like I just immersed myself into a Roman bath.

  Maybe I should have told Justice first, because he circled around with alarm on his face.

  “Liv are you ok! Did I dump you?”

  “I’m fine,” I tell him “I dumped myself.”

  I look up at my immortal; the tiny diamonds from the water are reflecting off his face, giving him even more of a celestial glow. “The only thing I love more than dancing is swimming.”

  Justice leaves me to bathe. I watch as he joins the others, there is overwhelming joy on his face. Jayden was right, Justice does like to do tricks; he blazes through the dazzling water flipping the watercraft and catching big air. I knew when they did it, it was an extreme sport.

  The Seraphs are exciting to watch. They look different, intrinsic in this unnatural world, like they live on another level of humanity.

  After a short while Justice returns to me. I’m a little disappointed when he pulls from the water, but he wants me next to him and there’s no arguing with that. We lounge in the sun, letting the ski drift through the shimmering wakes. As we pass through one end of the rainbow our skin picks up the spectrums of light. I didn’t even know it was possible to penetrate a rainbow, but apparently I was wrong. I’ve been wrong about a lot of things lately. Seeing this today, I realize the possibilities. I was wrong to doubt fantastical is a word that actually exists. Wrong to accept my fate as a prisoner, when here I am doing things, I never dreamt possible. And wrong that I almost allowed my life to pass right by me without ever giving it a second look.

  As I reflect, I realize everything I’ve become is because of Justice.

  “How is this possible?” I ask enamored.

  “How is what possible?”

  I sit up on the ski, “all of this,” I gesture around us.

  He shrugs his shoulders. “It just is; it’s part of my world, and now it’s part of yours.”

  I stare at him inquisitively hesitating to ask a redundant question.

  “What?” He asks in an uncertain way.

  “What are you really?”

  “You know what I am.”

  “I know what you are by name, not by definition.”

  He sits up and gives me a tentative look. He winces his cheek, crinkling the skin underneath his right eye. It’s a facial expression I’ve never seen him make before.

  “Let’s just say I’m a very distant cousin to a particular type of angel and leave it at that.”

  My lips part slightly with intrigue. I mean, he used the word angel as one of the adjectives to describe himself, but I never thought… although, maybe I did. Somewhere, deep down, I knew he couldn’t be anything but angelical.

  “You’re really an angel?”

  “Well I did die, technically.”

  “Do you have wings?” I ask fascinated.

  “Not in the traditional sense.”

  Yet another cryptic answer.

  “Can I see them?”

  “In time,” he grins. “Right now, let’s just enjoy the weather.” He wraps his arms around me and lounges back onto the ski.

  An Angel, I thought as I gaze somewhere over the rainbow, when I wished for divine intervention, who knew I’d actually get it… definitely not me.

  ***

  I walk into the media room still towel drying my hair. I feel rejuvenated now that I’ve washed off the frozen salt from my body. Although the time we spent in paradise was comfortable and warm, the ride back to shore was still mind numbingly cold.

  I can’t see what the boys are looking at huddled around Jayden’s magic mirror as I massage my head with the fluffy white towel. As I walk closer, strange dark images come into view, and then out of nowhere I feel like I’m assassinated.

  Two vacant scalding eyes penetrate me, and before I know what’s happening, I start to unravel. He can inflict pain even through the boundaries of space. His visit is purposeful; he makes that clear. He is waiting for me. The thirst for death is moist on his tongue, and I can taste the blood on mine. But this blood is different, not like a humans, it isn’t rusty or sour; it is sweet like dew. It frightens me more than I can even compreh
end. He’s coming, and not only for me. I feel paradise slipping away; it’s replaced by fear and intimidation. I am isolated and alone.

  Then, I find myself looking up at several jeweled eyes apprehensively fixated upon me.

  “Are you alright?” Jayden asks.

  Panic pours over me as I eye the beautiful boys circled around me. I spring onto Justice, throwing my arms around his neck in a fit of tears and start arbitrarily rambling. “It was yours! It was yours!”

  “What-what was mine?” He stammers of guard as he clutches me.

  “The blood on my jeans!” I am sobbing now, barely able to breathe. “He isn’t just after me,” I gasp “he knows; he knows the only way to get to me is through you!”

  The very thought of the Stalker turning his energy onto Justice cripples me. I know the agony he inflicts, the casualties he craves, and the relentless nature of his personality.

  Justice holds onto me in my fragile state. Why is it, I always find myself falling apart in his arms? He pulls my face from his shoulder and wipes away my tears. They left a stain on his t- shirt. “Liv, calm down, your safe.” He says with urgency. But his words don’t comfort me; my concern is for him. He doesn’t just have to worry about the Stalker coming after me, but him as well.

  “I thought you couldn’t die?’ I ask rubbing my watery eyes.

  He looks at me with a dark stare, “I’m immortal, not indestructible.”

  “So it’s true, he can kill you?” My body uncontrollably trembles.

  “Is it possible? Yes. Is it going to happen? Absolutely not.” He says with arrogant confidence.

  Aayden brings me a glass of water. “Justice is right; we’ll tear that stupid Spirit Stalker apart before he even knows we hit him.”

  I wish I could believe him. But he didn’t feel his merciless persecution or the lives he has taken.

  I sit on the floor gripping the glass feeling completely defeated. I’ve never felt so hopeless, even with Justice this close to my side.

  “Do you know where he was?” Jayden asks Justice.