Beautiful Nightmare

by Stotz, Chrystie Q.

  “What’s up?” I asked once we were in my room.

  He turned his head to look at me as he dropped onto my unmade bed and made himself comfortable. “Who said something’s up? Since when can’t I come by to see you?”

  I narrowed my eyes. “Now I know something is up and you aren’t telling me. Just because you are avoiding my question. Come on, Jayson. You know I know you better than that.”

  Jayson’s eyebrow quirked up quickly. He knew I had a point, but wasn’t going to say I was right. He said nothing as I came and sat on the bed beside him, turning on the TV.

  We sat there for a while, in silence. I kept noticing him out of the corner of my eye. He would turn his head to look at me, open his mouth to say something, then without a word turn back to the show we were watching. Finally, after the fourth time he repeated it and still said nothing, I couldn’t take it anymore.

  “Jayson, spit it out already!” I screamed in frustration and faced him.

  A look of pure shock shot across his face. “I’m sorry I…” He stopped and looked down then glanced up again. This time his expression was different. Almost angry. “I need to talk to you about something.”

  “No shit, Jayson! Can you just say it and stop being so awkward?”

  “Sorry. I just didn’t know if I could.” His expression changed again, softening. This time I didn’t know what to expect. “Things have been… different, since… well, you and Kamdyn.”

  “Only because you are making it that way.”

  “I guess you’re right, but there’s nothing I can do about that.”

  “Of course there is.”

  “No, Trystie. There really isn’t.” He turned his body to face me, mirroring my position. He reached out his hand and lifted mine into his. “I’ve been thinking about this for… well, a while. I honestly can’t think of anything else.” He stopped and took a deep breathe.

  As I waited I felt my stomach knot up, this wasn’t going to be good. I suddenly felt exhausted as he looked back into my eyes.

  “You know how I feel about you.”

  “Jayson, please…”

  “No, let me say what I have to say. Please? You can say whatever you need to when I’m done.”

  I took a second to force back and comments I felt compelled to add and nodded, letting him continue.

  “You know how I feel about you. Nothing has changed since I told you, except that it has only gotten stronger since then. I knew the second I saw you get off that plane that I needed to have you in my life. I know that sounds stupid and cliché, but it’s true. I’ve never felt something so strongly in my life. The problem here is Kamdyn. And I had a feeling as soon as you two met that I was going to lose you. I didn’t know why, Kamdyn and Sam had been together for what felt like forever, but I knew. I kept trying to show you how I felt before anything could happen, but everything I did looked more like me being possessive over you than showing you I wanted to be with you. I was never really good at that.” He rubbed my hand absentmindedly with his thumb, tracing it down mine and twisting it into the palm of my hand. “I know I can’t tell you not to be with him, you are my best friend and so his he. I love you both, you know that. But I feel so close to you that I can’t help but hate when he is around. The only time I feel my heart can stand being around him is when you aren’t there.”

  “That’s why you came this morning? Because you knew he wouldn’t be here yet?”

  “Yes.”

  I pulled my hand away from his and slouched down into the bed, the opposite from my alert position I held while Jayson spilled his heart out. I couldn’t look at him. I knew how he felt, he told me, but it is still a shock to hear it. I was honestly at a loss for words. I had never had anything like this happen to me before. Never two guys after me at once, especially never feeling so strongly about me or me about them. What was I supposed to do now. I thought this was behind us. I guess I was being naive thinking it would all just go away if I pretended it wasn’t there.

  “Jayson, you know how I feel about you. You are my best friend, the best friends I ever had. But…”

  “Trystie, are you telling me when I kissed you that you didn’t feel anything for me? Because I could tell that you did.”

  I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t respond. My voice had no substance. When I opened my mouth in the attempt to speak, I couldn’t force anything to escape.

  “That’s what I thought.” Jayson said in response to my lack of. Satisfaction spread wide across his face. “You don’t need to say anything. But I knew you felt something when I kissed you. You kissed me back. Even if it isn’t the same or as strong as what I feel, I know you feel something for me. That’s all I needed to know.”

  “Jayson, stop. You know I care about you. But… you are my friend. I…”

  “I know all that, but all I needed was for you to say it, at least bring to your attention that you do feel something more for me then you want to admit, even to yourself. That is why I can’t just give up and walk away from you to just be your friend and nothing more. Because you may not know it yet, but you do love me.”

  “I don’t love you that way, Jayson. And you do know how I feel about Kamdyn. That’s not going to change any time soon.”

  “You’re right. I do know how you care for him.” I could tell that bringing Kamdyn up in the conversation wasn’t what Jayson wanted, but he knew it would happen. We were both sitting up alert again, cross legged, facing each other on the bed. He suddenly shifted his position, moving to sit up on his knees. He inched closer, placing his hands around my face. Leaning in, to get my full attention he said, “But I love you too, Trystie. And I will not let this go, let you go, I can’t. Nothing about my feelings are going to change. I refuse to let you go that easy.”

  He was so close as he spoke that I could feel his warm breath on my face. Each second he stayed this close, the knot in my stomach twisted tighter and tighter. But I had to admit, he was right. Even though I felt strongly for Kamdyn, there was a small thing there for Jayson that I just didn’t want to acknowledge, and still don’t. Something that started when we first met and I pushed it far away.

  The last thing I wanted was for Jayson to kiss me then. Which is exactly what he thought he should do. And he did. Before I had the chance to protest, to even react to the determination that came into his eyes, his lips were on mine.

  Just like last time, I was stunned into inaction. I sat there, for what felt like and hour, unmoving, hoping he would pull away if I didn’t return it. But he didn’t, he held himself against me, tightly, and he waited for me to do what he wanted. Eventually, my mind clouded over and I fell into the fog. Giving in to him, I kissed him back.

  He kissed me hard, unlike the first time. Doing everything different this time compared to the last. His hands moved from my face to put one behind my head and the other, wrapped around my back. Both hands pulling me closer and tighter against him.

  Before I knew it, he had maneuvered me down, my back now against my fluffy mattress and Jayson’s weight on top of me. I felt his hand move to the hem of my sweatshirt. Sliding under it, he rested his hand on the flesh of my stomach. His mouth slowly began moving from mine and traveling down my neck.

  Breaking his lips away from mine managed to move the fog out and cleared my mind. I breathlessly spoke. “Stop. Please stop, Jayson. We can’t…”

  He didn’t look up at me as he pulled away and rolled over to lie beside me. We didn’t say anything as we lay there, side by side.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”

  “Yes you did, Jayson”

  He moved then, shifting to his side and leaning up onto his elbow so he could look down on me. “You’re right, I did mean to.” He smiled than and I turned my head away, now facing out the window. “That was exactly what I wanted… but I’m sorry I… pushed you.” He reached out to grab my hand and I slapped it, hard. He pulled it away quickly but his smile didn’t falter.

  “I am sorry… that I made
you feel uncomfortable,” he said as he, again, reached out to touch me. I let him this time, only because I felt bad for slapping him.

  I looked him directly in the eye. “Jayson, this can’t happen again.”

  A horrible broken expression flashed on his face. Then he said, “It can’t… but I will do everything I can to try. I told you, I can’t just let you walk out of my life without trying.”

  “I’m not going anywhere, Jayson. I live right down the street from you. You are my best friend and I don’t want you out of my life, ever. But you know how I feel about Kamdyn and he’s your best friend. Why would you want to ruin your friendship with him over me?”

  “He is my best friend, and he’d respect me more if I fought for what I wanted. You are what I want. He’d probably like the competition, that’s just how he is, how he’s always been. Don’t worry, this won’t affect your relationship and it won’t affect ours.”

  How could it not?

  “You know everything will change if you find someone else. If you would just look for a girl you can care for. Girls have told me how you don’t really date anyone, but every girl here wants you. What’s wrong with any of the other girls at our school?”

  He sighed, lifting his hand to my face. My stomach tightened again in response.

  “Because they aren’t you,” he said so quietly that if I wasn’t looking right at him, I wouldn’t have heard him.

  I had so many more questions about this, but pushing it, I felt, would lead again to a place I didn’t want to venture with Jayson. He left soon afterward. There was nothing left for us to discuss and I needed time alone to think, once again. There was no doubt in my mind that I belonged with Kamdyn. Jayson was a friend that I cared a lot about, but I didn’t love him.

  What bothered me most about the whole thing was that Jayson had done exactly what he wanted to do. He proved to himself and me, that deep down, some place where I hide all my unwanted and don’t-know-what-to-do-with emotions, I really did have stronger feelings for Jayson.

  Chapter Eleven

  I woke up Christmas morning more excited than I had felt in what felt like forever.

  I had been anticipating it with severity, for at least the last month. I jumped up and looked out the window as soon as the morning broke. The sun glistening off the fresh white snow on Christmas morning was exactly what I had always thought a winter Christmas would look like.

  I was like a little kid at Christmas. I nearly forgot to get presentable before I charged downstairs. The least I could do was abolish my morning breath. I ran into my bathroom and quickly washed my face and brushed my teeth, then ran downstairs to the wonderful breakfast that I could smell wafting its way upstairs. I was so ahead of myself that, while running down the stairs, I managed to trip and tumble the last few steps to the ground. I landed roughly in my butt.

  I couldn’t help the bark of laughter that escaped me when I landed. “I’m okay.” I yelled toward the kitchen when I heard them hastily drop everything and run toward me.

  I jumped up smoothly, dusted myself off and started laughing again. There didn’t seem to be anything that could ruin this day for me.

  When they saw me laughing, they looked at each other, than back at me before they erupted in their own laughter. The tenseness I felt when they first came running gradually eased as our laughter mingled together and filled the house with warmth.

  “I guess I was a little too excited.” I said once my lungs stopped burning long enough for me to speak.

  “What happened?” Kimber asked threw gasps for air.

  “I was running down the stairs, a little eager for my white Christmas and that delicious breakfast I smell. I tripped myself and the last couple of stairs made acquaintance with my butt.”

  Their eyes locked on each other again before they burst out in laughter once more.

  “Yeah, thanks! Merry Christmas to you, too.” I said with mock irritation and faked a little limp to my seat at the table.

  Again, I ate my breakfast so fast that I barely tasted it. A pity, really. I was left with a wonderful taste in my mouth and wished I wasn’t so stuffed so I could eat more. It took us over an hour to open all our presents for each other. I felt so spoiled. Which I knew was Justin and Kimber’s whole point to the pile of gifts that were mounded under, around and hidden inside of the tree. They bought me so much more than I was used to receiving. Too much. Even for Christmas.

  I had never minded Christmas with my parents, I loved it, but I was more than used to not receiving a lot. We never really had much. They both did well with money, but for whatever reason, they just never got ahead. Always having enough to get by but never much more than that. This Christmas I expected much of the same, but after each present I opened, they pushed another one at me. I felt bad that I couldn’t get them more than I did.

  Once we were all done with our presents, I brought everything up to my room to admire and put away. Mostly, Justin and Kimber bought me clothes. What girl could ever have enough clothes. That was so my theme, and they knew it, which was the reason had decided to let me use the closet in the guest room for anything that I couldn’t fit in mine. I had piles and piles of new clothes; sweaters, jeans, sweat suits, and tee-shirts. They also bought me some nice winter boots, a new iPod and lots of other little trinkets to decorate and give my room some character. They did more than I could ever ask for. And I loved it all. It took me forever to put all my new things away. Not only because of the amount bur also because I couldn’t seem to tear my eyes away from everything long enough to close the door and walk away. I think I have a problem. Hmmm.

  I glanced up at the clock when I was finally done and realized I was now running a little late for dinner with Kamdyn and his family. Frantic at the thought of being late, I laid my outfit out on my bed and ran to jump in the shower before Kamdyn got here.

  I wasn’t in there more than ten minutes when I heard the bathroom door open. I had never had someone just walk in while I was in the shower before. Not even my parents walked in without knocking. Cautiously, I peeked my head around the shower curtain to see who had come in.

  “Can I have my Christmas present now?” Kamdyn asked with a teasing smile as he leaned casually against the bathroom counter.

  “What are you doing in my bathroom, Kamdyn?”

  “I figured I would come early. Didn’t think you wouldn’t be ready, though. Not that I’m complaining. Got any room in there for me?”

  I felt my cheeks get hot, and pulled my head back in the shower pulling the curtain tightly back in place.

  “I’ll be out in a minute.” I yelled from inside my steaming shower. I heard a little laugh from somewhere in the room before the door opened than closed again.

  I was done only a couple minutes later, but I poked my head out of the shower again before I through it open, just to make sure he wasn’t still there. I jumped out and dried off fast. Kamdyn was right on the other side of the door waiting for me, so I needed to hurry. Then I realized, my clothes are out there, in my room. Crap.

  I blushed again, realizing I needed to walk out into my bed room to get my outfit, which I had laid out ceremoniously on my bed. I grunted to myself as I wrapped the towel tightly around me and opened the door.

  “Merry Christmas to me.” Kamdyn said as I opened the door. His eyes focused solely on the towel.

  “Ha Ha.” I said as I walked in, trying not to show my discomfort. Which I’m pretty sure I was unsuccessful at. You would think I wouldn’t be uncomfortable being in only a towel around him. I had slept with him (slept only, thank you), only wearing a towel, and we swam together wearing much less than that. I guess it was my vulnerability and our surroundings that it made it seem so much more intimate suddenly. Somehow knowing he could see me and I could see him looking at me just made me feel more self conscious. “I just need to get my clothes. Wasn’t expecting you to be here before I got out.” I walked over to my dresser and opened the drawer, picking out my under garments as quickly as
I could and snapped the drawer shut. I turned around on course for my outfit laid neatly on the bed only to find Kamdyn had come up behind me and had now captured my face, looking intently down into my eyes. His amethyst eyes flashed almost like fire, fierce and hot. And totally… inhuman.

  “I hope I get to see those on later,” he said taking a quick glance over at what I held in my hand. I shoved them hastily behind my back

  “Don’t you wish you were that lucky.” I took a step to the right, to walk around him and he followed, blocking my exit. “Kamdyn, what are you doing?” I asked playfully.

  “Nothing. I just came over to say Merry Christmas properly.” Before I could act in response, his hand brushed a trail down my cheek, along my neck to my collar bone. I could still feel the prickles traveling down the path his fingers had left. Where his hand rested now was pulsing with electricity, just over my heart. I looked down at his hand, checking to see if I could see the sparks he transferred to me. When I went to look back to his eyes, his mouth had reached mine.

  I dropped the clothes that were in my hand then, as I reached my arms around him, gripping his broad shoulders. Just like always, he needed to lift me off the ground. I hadn’t even felt him move, rather than walk with me in his arms. Out of nowhere, I felt the bed under me and Kamdyn laying over me. As caught up in the moment as I was, I remembered that I was only wearing a towel and I felt it coming loose.

  “Kamdyn, we are going to be late.” I reminded him.

  He flopped his head down and took a deep breathe. “You’re killing me, you know that? But you’re right.” He picked up his head again, his eyes boring a hole into my very soul. He kissed me one last time, a light brush of lips, before allowing me up to get ready.

  “To be continued.” I teased, feeling confident only because of how easily he had released me, as I picked up my underwear off the floor, and walked into the bathroom. Just before I closed the door, I glimpsed the smile on Kamdyn’s face.