Almost A Spinster

by Jenna Petersen

  But all her wanderings had left her with nothing but painful memories and a heavy sense of guilt. And loneliness.

  There was joy, of course. How could one not feel joy when those around her were so joyful? But Maddie felt separate from it all, watching from a distance as her own pain sat heavy in her chest.

  “My lady?”

  Maddie jumped as a voice echoed from the door across the room. Smoothing the lines of emotion from her face, she turned toward the maid who had interrupted her reverie.

  “Yes, Loralei?”

  “I beg your pardon, my lady, but your father and uncle have requested your presence in the Sapphire Room. There are more guests to receive since your aunt is still above stairs recovering and your mother is in the village.”

  Maddie bobbed out a quick nod. “I shall be down directly.”

  Once the young lady had slipped from the room, Maddie faced herself again. She had to break loose of these maudlin thoughts and out-of-control memories. She had known from the very beginning that the lies she had told would ultimately end whatever relationship she had formed with Nathan.

  Of course, she hadn’t predicted falling in love with him.

  “No,” she hissed to her reflection through clenched teeth before she turned on her heel and made for the door.

  She was not in love with Nathan Blackstone. She couldn’t be or else the rest of her life was going to be bleak, indeed. Even if he could overcome what she had done, there was no way he would allow himself to overcome the difference in their stations. He had made that clear more than once.

  Maddie stepped from the last stair and moved toward the Sapphire Parlor. She could hear voices within and stopped for a moment to calm herself. She didn’t want to come inside looking like she’d lost her only friend the world or she would draw unwanted questions and attention to herself.

  No, she had to remain calm. She had to remain focused. She had to remain resigned, as she had been for so long, to the way things were in her life.

  Forcing a smile, she opened the parlor door and stepped inside. But what she saw before her drew her up sharp and made her smile melt away.

  Nathan sat on a couch across from her father and her Uncle John, the Earl of Heatherton. His expression was utterly miserable as they leaned forward, speaking to him in low tones.

  Maddie clenched her fists to her chest. Dear God, her secret had been uncovered. They knew what had happened between her and Nathan and now he was paying for her selfishness.

  In one brief moment, several thoughts rushed through Maddie’s mind. The first was that she did, indeed, love the man who sat just feet away. The second was that she wasn’t going to allow him to suffer for her lies, nor allow anyone else to dictate her destiny ever again.

  So she stepped forward and said, “Father, Uncle, stop! What happened between us was not Nathan’s fault. I allowed him to believe I was someone I was not. If you want to blame someone, blame me.”

  A startled silence followed her abrupt outburst. Slowly, both her father and uncle got to their feet and turned to face her. And just as slowly, Nathan got up from his place on the settee, his expression more sick than ever. It was only then that Maddie noticed Lord Fulton standing by the window, taking in the scene with wide eyes and a slightly bemused expression.

  “Good afternoon, Madeline,” her father said evenly, though she saw emotion light up in his eyes. “Your uncle and I were just thanking Mr. Blackstone for his part in returning John to your aunt’s side during her labor.” He arched a brow as he slowly let his gaze fall back on Nathan. “However, it seems there was much more going on here than met the eye. Would either of you care to explain Madeline’s outburst? What happened between you and my daughter that she is trying to protect you from my, until now, nonexistent rage, Mr. Blackstone?”

  #

  Nathan shut his eyes for an all-too-brief moment, but when he opened them nothing had changed. The Duke of Kincaid and the Earl of Heatherton were still staring at him expectantly, the deferential attitudes they had displayed earlier when thanking him now replaced by wary anger and accusation.

  And behind then stood Maddie… Lady Madeline. She was even more beautiful than he remembered, though her fine dress was a reminder of why his thoughts about her beauty were so inappropriate. Somehow it didn’t matter. He stared at her, drinking her in like a man kept from water for a fortnight. It had been more than that since he last saw her and he was parched with desire to hear her say his name, to touch just her hand.

  It was clear by the way she stared at him, horror and apology in her eyes, that she had thought she was saving him when she blurted out her confession to her family. Yet, behind that, there was something more. Something deeper. She looked at him with the same sense of longing that he felt.

  She had missed him. And it made him want to push past her father and just touch her face, kiss her, consequences and stations be damned.

  Instead, he straightened his spine and prepared to face those consequences.

  “Your Grace,” he said with a nod to her father. “I met your daughter a little over a month ago while riding in the shire. We grew to be friends and I… I did court her, not knowing her true identity.”

  Maddie stepped forward.

  “It was my fault,” she repeated, the words directed toward her father even though she never took her eyes from Nathan. “I allowed Nathan to believe I was a servant in John and Serena’s house. It was never supposed to go so far, but-”

  “And just how far did it go?” her father asked, his eyebrows both arching. “Mr. Blackstone, do we need to have words?”

  Nathan opened his mouth to speak, but before he could, Maddie jumped into the fray. “If you need to have words, father, have them with me. I am the one who lied, I am the one who misled Mr. Blackstone.”

  “And why did you do that?” the Earl of Heatherton said, tilting his head as he glanced from Nathan to Maddie in confusion.

  “Yes, a good question,” her father said.

  Nathan found himself leaning forward. It was the answer he longed for, as well. To know why Madeline had misled him. Lied to him. Playing him for a fool.

  She blushed, putting him to mind of her flushed skin the afternoon he had kissed her, more than kissed her. He blinked to forced the image from his mind and waited for Maddie’s reply.

  “My entire life,” she whispered, her voice cracking. “I have done what was right, what I was told to do. I allowed everyone around me to protect me like I was a china doll, not to be played with, only looked at. When I stumbled, someone always caught me. When I made a mistake, someone else cleaned up the mess behind me.” She blinked back tears as she looked up at her father. “It was done out of love, I know, but I was smothered by it all. Smothered by your title and my dowry and the knowledge that you would always ‘fix’ things’, Papa.”

  “So you lied to me?” Nathan asked, still angry though he understood the idea of living under a father’s thumb. He had certainly done the same. “How did that give you the freedom you so craved?”

  “It didn’t,” Maddie gasped, focusing her attention on him now. “And it wasn’t my intention. When we talked it was so natural, so easy. That first afternoon that we met, when you assumed I was a lady’s maid, I was so surprised that I didn’t correct you. I intended to the next day, but you truly liked me. Not for the money, not for the title, not because my father pressed you to pursue me, but because of me. It was a heady feeling.”

  She reached out and suddenly her warm, soft skin brushed his hand. Nathan sucked in a breath as lightening bolts of awareness rushed through him, despite their proximity to so many others. Despite the fact that he now knew her to be a peer who did not belong in his world. Nor he in hers.

  When she touched him, she was just Maddie. His Maddie. And he wanted her and loved her just as he had since the first moment he laid eyes on her.

  “Nathan,” she continued, completely oblivious to anything or anyone else. “I didn’t think that continuing just f
or a little while in the fantasy world would hurt anyone. And then I wanted to tell you but I couldn’t. The day Serena gave birth to Simon, I did intend to confess everything. But the servant came and blurted out my title to you before I could. But I never did any of it to hurt you or mock you. I just wanted…” She caught her breath. “I just wanted to be with you. And I knew that once you knew who I was, you would never allow it. Your pride would separate us and I didn’t want what we shared to end.”

  Color flooded her cheeks again and she looked around, as if she had only just recalled that others were in the room with them. She stepped back.

  “I’m sorry, Nathan. I’m sorry that I lied. But what we shared was not a lie, I wanted you to know that.”

  Nathan stared at her, too stunned to say anything in response. All he knew was that his heart was pounding for love for this woman, with desire to keep her near him always.

  And yet he couldn’t.

  The Duke slowly cleared his throat, the sound like a shot in the silent room. “Madeline, I would like a word alone with Mr. Blackstone.”

  Maddie spun on her father with a gasp. “Papa!”

  He looked at her with a frown that could freeze water. “Maddie,” he barked out, sharp. “Step outside with your uncle and Lord Fulton. I will call for you when I’m ready.”

  Maddie sent one brief glance in Nathan’s direction. She mouthed, “I’m sorry,” before she followed her uncle out and Fulton closed the door behind them.

  Nathan widened his stance and slowly met the Duke’s stare. He had promised himself long ago never to cower before any man. And he didn’t intend to start with the Duke of Kincaid.

  Even though he realized that he was about to have one of the most uncomfortable conversations in his life with one of the most powerful men in the Empire.

  Chapter Six

  “May I get you a drink?”

  Nathan blinked. Was the Duke of Kincaid offering him refreshment, even though he knew a lowly estate manager had all but seduced his daughter?

  “Blackstone?” the Duke repeated, holding up a bottle of some kind of spirits.

  “Ah, no sir-er, Your Grace,” he said, stammering from confusion. “Thank you.”

  The Duke gave him a half smile. “Well, I need one.”

  He poured amber liquid into a glass and motioned for the chairs they had been occupying before Maddie’s ill-timed interruption. Ill-timed, and yet every time Nathan thought of it, his heart swelled with the idea that she would be willing to throw everything away just to protect him.

  He couldn’t recall anyone doing that for him before.

  “Please, sit,” Kincaid’s voice pierced Nathan’s thoughts.

  Wary, Nathan took a place, sitting ramrod straight as he waited for this man to rip him into shreds. Instead, the Duke took a thoughtful sip of his drink and simply stared at Nathan.

  “Who were your family, Mr. Blackstone?”

  Nathan shifted. Well, he should have expected this. Bloodlines were key in Kincaid’s world. And Nathan’s would never be up to snuff.

  “No one of consequence, sir. My father was a gentleman’s son, but he had no title or money or standing of his own.” He shrugged. “It really makes no difference, though.”

  “Doesn’t it?” Kincaid asked. “Are you so angry with Maddie for her deception that it means so little?”

  Nathan’s eyes widened. “I-”

  “Do not misunderstand me, my boy,” Kincaid interrupted. “I do not blame you for any feelings of betrayal or anger that you direct toward my daughter. What she did was very wrong, no matter her reasons. And I apologize for that on her behalf.”

  For a long moment, Nathan could think of nothing to say. This conversation wasn’t what he had expected when the Duke demanded they talk privately. There was no yelling, no offered payoff, no threats. Kincaid didn’t even seem upset, beyond his disappointment in his daughter’s actions.

  When he didn’t speak, Kincaid continued, “However, I cannot ignore the facts. Whatever has happened here, it has changed my daughter. I noticed it the instant I arrived.”

  “A change?” Nathan asked, hungry for more information, even though he could not understand Kincaid’s civilized approach. Surely the man was furious and this was all some trap to make Nathan even more miserable later.

  “Yes,” the Duke said with a faraway frown. “Before she left London, I think a little piece of her soul had been broken. She tried to hide it, but I saw the signs that she was defeated. Resigned to a very empty sort of life. It troubled her mother and I, but we could find no way to overcome what she had experienced. To convince her that there was still a future waiting for her.”

  Nathan frowned as he thought of what Fulton had told him about Maddie’s broken betrothal to a bastard who did not deserve her. The idea that she had judged herself, given up hope for happiness, hurt him in a deep place. Like it was his own heart that had been maimed.

  “But you say she has changed now?” he said softly, daring to meet the Duke’s eyes.

  The other man nodded slowly. “Her mother and I felt a shift in Madeline the moment we stepped from the carriage. It is hard to explain, but for the first time in a long time I saw a new confidence in her. She seemed to have a fuller sense of herself and what she wanted. And now I understand why.” The man tilted his head and examined Nathan closely. “But I do have one question.”

  Nathan’s head was spinning. Kincaid was talking as though he actually didn’t mind the relationship Nathan and Maddie had formed. But it couldn’t be. A man of his rank could never accept this match.

  “A question, sir?” Nathan managed to choke out since the Duke seemed to be awaiting his reply.

  “Were you truly unaware of my daughter’s rank? Of her financial worth?”

  Nathan’s surprise faded into the background, replaced by indignant defensiveness. Is that what her family thought? That he was some kind of immoral charlatan, pretending not to know her when he was actually after her money?

  “I had no idea who Maddie was. All I saw was her true worth, Your Grace,” he said, his voice strained by an attempt to remain respectful in the face of this implied slur. “And that had nothing to do with her name or her dowry. If others have not recognized it, that was their failing, not mine.”

  For a long moment, the Duke pondered his answer. Then a slow smile tilted his lips. “Earlier, my daughter very gently accused me of interfering with the living of her life. And I think perhaps she is right. I have protected and coddled her too long. She is certainly capable of making her own decisions and speaking for her own heart. If you are agreeable to meeting with her, I will call her in.”

  The very idea of seeing Maddie again made Nathan’s heart pound. But he was still left with a staggering sense of confusion. The Duke had exhibited no anger, there were no threats. And none seemed to be forthcoming.

  For his entire life, Nathan had encountered men who flaunted and used their rank to crush others beneath their heels. But Kincaid was not like that. Come to think of it, neither was Fulton. Nathan respected both men enormously. And they seemed to respect him in return.

  Did that mean that his view of their class had been twisted by his father? By his past? Become so distorted that he had been unable to see? Had his prejudices blinded him… kept him from happiness?

  And would he allow them to continue to do so now?

  “Yes, I would like to speak to Maddie,” he murmured.

  “Good.”

  The Duke rose to his feet and moved toward the door. But before he opened it, he hesitated.

  “I do want you to know that if you and my daughter come to some kind of understanding, that I expect you will still come to me and ask for her hand. A father likes to have those little rituals.”

  Before Nathan could respond to that stunning statement, the other man had opened the door.

  “Mad-” he began.

  But before he could even complete her name, Madeline hurried to him and pushed her way into the room. N
athan got to his feet and stared at her. Her dark eyes were wild and expressive with worry and anxiety. But none of it was for herself. It was for him.

  “Papa,” she began, breathless. “Please, let me have my say.”

  The Duke pressed his hands to her shoulders and gave a light squeeze. “I am not the one who needs your explanations.” He turned her toward Nathan and gave a little shove. “You wanted me to step away and let you make your own mistakes. Do so.”

  Then he left the room, leaving the door open enough that there would be no scandalized talking about their being alone later.

  Nathan stepped toward her, but then stopped himself. He was staring at a person he at once knew and was a stranger. A person he had come to love and yet convinced himself he could not have.

  And he had no idea what to say to her. Or if there was anything he could say that could overcome the lifelong vows he had made. And the lies she had told in order to pretend their differences away.

  #

  Maddie bit her lip. Nathan had moved on her at first, but now he had stopped and was just staring at her. His face was unreadable and his eyes cloaked. She had no idea of his thoughts or his feelings when it came to her. Her heart sank. It was entirely possible that everything was ruined.

  The old Maddie would have run away from that possibility. She recognized that fact. At one time, she would have been too afraid to face her mistakes and simply waited until they had faded.

  But she was no longer that girl. That other person, the frightened mouse, had died the moment Nathan rode into her life. And little by little, she had been reborn thanks to his patience and his… his love. He had loved her, in that moment, she knew he had.

  And she wouldn’t let him turn away from that just because she had a few more embellishments to her name than she had confessed to from the beginning. She was a new Maddie, and this Maddie intended to fight.

  “I hope my father was not hard on you,” she finally said, breaking the awkward silence.

  Nathan shook his head and for the first time his emotions were clear. Her father’s interaction with him had surprised him.