Love, Cass

by St. Klaire, Stephanie

  Last night, when he’d brought me to bed, he’d stayed with me, having made arrangements for Reagan. He laid next to me, holding my hand, stating he just didn’t want me to be alone. We talked about everything and nothing. I expressed how badly I wanted snow for Reagan. He asked if I wanted chocolate or lemon cake for my birthday.

  As the evening carried on, and it was well into the night, I felt him growing tired. There was an elephant in the room that wasn’t going anywhere, and it was the source of my insomnia, I was sure of it. I needed to know he was okay — that he was prepared for the coming days because we knew they were limited. I had to know he’d made whatever arrangements needed to be made so he wouldn’t have to make them…after.

  The days following were going to be hard enough, I didn’t want him to have to deal with anything at that stage of grief. I didn’t want him to feel forced to make decisions he wasn’t prepared for, decisions he’d perhaps regret later. I needed to know he was going to be okay — or as okay as one could be in such a tragic circumstance.

  Point blank, I’d asked him if he’d made the necessary arrangements, and his answer was the same as it had been every time before. I don’t want to talk about this. We have time. Let’s just enjoy this moment and worry about those things when we have to. What he didn’t understand and was choosing not to hear was it was time.

  I’m sure there was nothing unusual about his response and behavior. They say everyone grieves differently, and the sad truth about a situation like ours was grieving starts long before the final breath. He’d been grieving since the day he learned of my diagnosis and was still grieving in that moment. He wasn’t ready to face the truth and deal with the reality, because who really was?

  I’d managed to doze off into one of my short, fitful naps sometime in the middle of the night. Each time I’d wake, Liam was at my side, either in a fitful sleep state of his own, or watching me sleep, hoping for my next breath. I couldn’t stand to see his pain, but who was I to say anything when I was its source?

  At one point, I woke to find his side of the bed cold. It was well past midnight and had to be nearing dawn. It was an odd hour to be showering for such a routine-driven man. The bathroom door was open an inch, maybe two, and I could see a sliver of light peering through.

  I was worried something was wrong. Maybe he was sick. Getting up from bed, I’d steadied myself and went to see if Liam was okay. When I got to the door, I could see his reflection in the mirror through the opening and found him sitting at the edge of the bathtub, face buried in his hands. The shower was running to drown out the sound of his sobs.

  It broke me to see him that way. Had he done this before? Was it bringing up final arrangements that had put him over the edge? Either way, I felt responsible.

  Liam was the strongest man I knew, but I was his greatest weakness. There had to be another way — a way to spare him anymore pain than he was already enduring. I decided in that moment I’d spare him that. I’d let him mourn and not face another painful decision because of me. And once I figured that out, I’d sleep.

  So that was my last task. To take the final looming burden off my husband’s shoulders so he could grieve in peace.

  As I sat, brushing Reagan’s hair, readying her for her last day of preschool before the holiday break, I knew just how to do it.

  “Do you want help, Cass?” Felicity asked. “I don’t mind doing her hair if it’s too much.”

  “No thanks,” I replied with a weak smile. “I want to do this while I can.”

  Truth? It was too much. Lifting the brush to run it through her hair and the simple weight of it was painful and caused me to sweat from the fatigue. My arms were heavy from the lack of strength and my hands ached from squeezing the brush handle tight enough so it wouldn’t get stuck in Reagan’s hair or fall to the ground.

  These were the little things we took for granted. I loved brushing Reagan’s hair; it was part of our routine, bonding really. As simple as it seemed, it was one of the big things. I could no longer do the fancy braids we’d plan the night before or practice on the weekend, my hands were always in too much pain.

  We were to the point where her hair was down with a cute headband. It was good enough for her, so it was good enough for me. It was the time together we really looked forward to. These small moments would be the memories she cherished, as would I.

  It was funny how things changed and fell into perspective. Once a warden on time, and never one to be late, I was now quite satisfied with Reagan running five minutes behind for school because I got to be the one to do her hair.

  I looked forward to the little things because I couldn’t do the big things. It helped ease the guilt I carried. Guilt I knew wasn’t warranted but couldn’t help but feel.

  “Have a good day, sweet girl,” I said, giving Reagan a quick kiss. “I’ll see you after school.”

  Reagan jumped off my bed and slid into her backpack. “You too, Mama. Love for all the forevers.”

  “I love you more than that,” I said, as part of our typical who loves who more banter. “Now, hurry up. Daddy’s waiting and you’re going to be late.”

  I watched her run out the door, hollering for Liam as she did. When I heard the front door shut, I knew Felicity and I were alone.

  “One day, it’ll be someone else doing that,” I said.

  “I’m sure Liam will continue to take her to school.” Felicity chuckled.

  “No, I mean doing her hair. Helping her get ready. Having all the silly private conversations. Liam will move on. She’ll have another mother figure.”

  “Don’t talk like that,” Felicity scolded.

  “C’mon. I want him to be happy, even if it’s with someone else. He deserves it more than anyone after what we’ve been through — what he’s been through.” I shrugged. “They’ll both need someone.”

  “That’s not something you should worry about. Just live in the now, Cass.”

  “Promise me, City,” I said. “Promise it’ll be you.”

  “Whoa.” Felicity choked and held her hands out in front of her. “Um, I’m not having this conversation with you. One, he’s not my type, and two…this is too weird.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. Laughing felt good, actually. “No…I mean you’ll do her hair when you can and help her through the small moments because they’ll be her big moments. Especially right at first while Liam…adjusts.”

  Felicity moved from the chair to the edge of my bed and held my hands. “Cassidy, everything will be okay. Hard, but okay. I’m not going anywhere. This family is stuck with me. All of them, especially that little girl. And any woman who tries to fill your shoes will have a hell of time because they’re awfully big shoes to fill. Plus, she’ll have to go through me to get to them.”

  We sat silently as each of us cried — something we were doing more and more.

  “Besides,” Felicity said, breaking the silence, “if she sucks, I’ll do my magic and hack all her accounts and give her a criminal record or something. Maybe I’ll max her accounts with porn site charges.”

  And our tears turned to laughter once again. These were my favorite moments with Felicity.

  “Thank you,” I said. “Thank you for being a friend, the very best friend I think I’ve ever had.”

  “It’s been my honor and pleasure…”

  “Can I ask you a favor?” I needed her to help with my final request, task, duty…whatever you wanted to call it.

  “Anything. Name it…”

  - 15 -

  One more goodbye…

  It was a hard day. More so than most, and we all knew what that meant. I couldn’t get out of bed on my own, couldn’t stand on my own long, or hardly go to the restroom on my own. The pain was increasing, I felt it everywhere, but I didn’t want to increase my medications because I wouldn’t be lucid.

  They say the mind was the last thing to go, and they were right. My body may have been failing, but my mind was sharp, and I clung to that. I just needed tw
o more days. It was the day before Christmas, and the forecast called for snow. I so badly wanted to see it. More specifically, I wanted to see Reagan’s excitement if it happened.

  I was on borrowed time, and that was okay. I was done fighting it. I’d done everything I could to prepare myself and my loved ones. I was sure there was something left undone, but nobody’s perfect.

  There was a hospice nurse with us around the clock. If there was ever a sign the end was near, it was then. My parents had returned to Portland, and announced they were buying a house so they could be local for Reagan. Carrigan was home from McKenzie Ridge for the holiday. All the boys were on vacation until the new year. Even their cousins were in town for the holiday this year.

  We always had a packed house during the holidays, but never this packed. And I knew why. Selfishly, I enjoyed it, even if for a daunting reason. I was surrounded by everyone I loved. It made it a little easier to face.

  It wasn’t any easier for Liam, though. If anything, it was harder. Given my state, he asked the hospice nurse if they should do lab work or testing of some kind to see what was wrong. When she said there wasn’t any reason and they could make me more comfortable, he insisted she call Dr. Mendoza.

  My nurse obliged only to report Mendoza was in agreement and there was no need to add unnecessary stress and he’d be by after the holiday. It didn’t go over well, despite Liam trying to hide it. He made the ridiculous excuse of needing to pick up milk at the market before the holiday to get out of the house. Liam was leaving for me, so I wouldn’t see his mounting grief. Even to the end, he protected me.

  Felicity stayed with me, and I gave Liam the space he needed. I knew he wouldn’t be far. He hadn’t been out of the house in days, so fresh air would do him good. Help him get his head straight.

  “I think he’ll be a while,” Felicity said.

  “Milk is code name Irish Whiskey,” I joked. “I think I need to send reinforcements.”

  “Good idea. Meanwhile, why don’t you and I have a girls night? Your mom and dad have Reagan for the night. Movies?”

  “She hasn’t left my side in days. I’m so glad she went with them,” I said. “As much as I want her with me, I’m afraid she’ll only remember this. A sick mommy.”

  “Oh, that’s impossible. You made sure of that,” Felicity encouraged. “She’ll remember when mommy was sick, but she’ll be more compassionate because of it. You always tell her it’s the small things that matter, and I think that’s the stuff she’ll remember most. Plus…your letters and that scrapbook.”

  “You’re right, City. I don’t know how much fun I’ll be tonight. Are you sure you want to hang out in here with me? Don’t you have any last-minute shopping to do or something?”

  “Nope! I bought everything online — I loathe the mall this time of year. And I can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be or anyone more exciting to get through those last few movies in the stack you collected.”

  “I can’t believe we’ve watched nearly all of them.” I laughed. It really was ridiculous. “I have one request.”

  “Anything.”

  “Wine. I reallly want to drink wine. And maybe some candy or something.” I don’t know why I requested the candy. I couldn’t eat much at all and was surviving mainly on broth.

  “Should I check with the nurse about the wine first?”

  “No. I haven’t had my meds, and I only want to taste it one last time. It should be fine. This may be my only chance with Liam gone.”

  “I don’t know. One small glass, promise that’s all you’ll drink, Cass?”

  “If you’re worried about it, just set the bottle on the dresser — it isn’t like I can get out of bed and get myself more.”

  “Touché.” Felicity chuckled. “I’ll run down to the corner market. Be back in a few.”

  “Perfect.”

  As soon as she was gone, I sent out an S.O.S to the boys. Liam needed them, and I knew he wasn’t going to tell them so. I sent each of the brothers a separate text requesting their help. I knew they’d each arrive in no time if they thought I needed them. Of course, I was manipulating and using my circumstance, but at this point, I didn’t give two shits. I was sort of entitled.

  Just as expected, I had all four brothers lined up at my bedside within minutes, each confused to see the others.

  “Take a seat,” I said.

  “Is everything okay? What happened? Where’s Liam?” Luke questioned, full of concern.

  The others seemed to share his worry, and for that, I felt bad.

  “I’m just fine. I didn’t mean to frighten you. I just need your help with Liam.”

  “Liam? What’s going on?” Wylie asked.

  “Well, it’s been a rough day. Several, really, and he met his breaking point I believe.” I stopped and looked at my hands, not sure what the right or wrong thing to say was anymore. “He’s going to need you.”

  “We’re all here. For anything you guys need,” Declan chimed.

  “We’ve actually cleared the schedule for…quite some time. This isn’t going to be…easy. For anyone,” Dace admitted, sounding a bit choked up.

  “I so appreciate that.” I sniffled. “It makes my part in this a little easier, ya know? Knowing you’re all together and have each other.”

  “Aw, sis, you know we’re here for you too, right?” Wylie was the gentle giant of the bunch, and the most emotional. “We wouldn’t be anywhere else, Sassy Cassy.”

  I smiled at my nickname. “Good, because I need you guys. More than you know. I’m having trouble keeping up and being strong.” A sob escaped me, followed by tears I’d been holding in for days. “I really need you guys to be strong for me. Can you do that? Can you do it for Liam and Reagan? I need to know it’s okay. You know, to leave them. That they’re okay because you guys are holding them up through the hard days and getting them to the easier ones.”

  “Aw, Jesus.” Luke swiped a rogue tear from his cheek. “This isn’t goodbye, Cass. It can’t be. Not yet.”

  I nodded my head with a quick shake. “It sort of is, in a way. Part of it, anyway. I think this is how these things work. But I need you guys to know you’ve meant everything to me, and I’ve valued my relationship with each of you. And I need you to all promise, through thick and thin, you’ll always find your way back here. That when you can’t count on anyone else in the world, you can count on each other and you’ll take care of each other.”

  The brothers each replied,

  “Always.”

  “Yeah.”

  “You’ve got it.”

  “Can’t imagine it any other way.”

  “Now, I know being in bed with a bunch of O’Reilly brothers should make me the giddiest girl around, but really, it’s a little weird,” I teased, breaking the somber mood. “I think the missing brother needs you guys right now. He went out to buy milk, of all things, but I know that means he’s really at the Pub drinking away his feelings.”

  “Ma and Da don’t sell milk at the pub…” Dace added.

  The guys laughed, and Declan said, “That’s why you’re the pretty one, Dace.”

  “Did I miss something?” Dace questioned.

  “Let’s head to the pub and drink ourselves stupid,” Luke said. “We’ll deliver your other half safe and sound a little later.”

  “I trust that you will.”

  “Are you going to be okay? Should we call the nurse in to sit with you?” Dace asked.

  “Nope,” Felicity said, leaning in the doorway. “You boys go, I’ve got this. Cass and I are having a girls night in.”

  “Yes!” I added. “I’ll just be here watching movies and drinking wine with City.”

  “Should you be drinking wine?” Wylie asked

  “Does it really matter at this point?” I shrugged.

  “Touché,” he said.

  I giggled. “You’re the second person to say that tonight.”

  With a quick kiss to the forehead from each of them, they were off to do
just as they promised. And I felt better knowing Liam wasn’t alone. None of us were.

  Dear Declan…

  What I’ve always admired most about you is how seriously you take your role as the oldest. You’re a protector, a mentor, and a friend. It’s your strength and determination that leads this family and keeps it grounded.

  It’s impossible not to look up to you, trust you, and admire you. I’ve always thought of you as a brother, but more so as my dear friend. I have no doubt it will be you who sees this family through the hardest of times and sets the pace as everyone learns to move forward.

  Your dedication is admirable, but don’t forget to put yourself first sometimes. Remember your hopes and dreams are just as important as anyone else’s. Chase them, Declan. Chase your dreams with the same determination you lean on for everything and everyone else.

  Just don’t forget to live, brother. Live your best, most fulfilled life. No regrets…

  It’s been my pleasure and joy to have known you and loved you. We are so lucky to call you ours.

  Until we meet again, sweet brother…

  Love, Cass

  Dear Luke…

  Where do I begin? You’re the other half of my other half and I feel lucky to have you in my life. The secret bond you have with Liam is so special, and I’m lucky to have witnessed such a treasure. I feel like I was in on some sort of secret you two share.

  Promise me that you’ll step out of the shadows, Luke. Come out from behind the shadow of your brothers, your military career, your job with the boys. Show the world who you really are, because they deserve to see just how spectacular you are. Behind that brooding mask is one of the kindest men I know. I’ll always be your biggest fan.

  You are thoughtful, generous, and ruthless. You love big, and you love hard. Don’t waste that on half a life, Luke. Spend it on your best life. Live it just as big and hard as you love, brother.

  The coming days aren’t going to be easy, but I know I can trust you’ll be the rock Liam needs. Please don’t let him sink to the shadows. Show him how to live again too.