Love, Cass

by St. Klaire, Stephanie

  Thank you for being a best friend and brother. I’ll cherish you always.

  Forever your champion…

  Love, Cass

  Dear Wylie…

  You may be the baby of the bunch, but you’re never to be underestimated. The size of your heart and depth of your soul are beyond measure. Your character is your signature, and I admire that. I’ve truly enjoyed watching you find your place in the world, and it’s definitely not last in a long line of O’Reillys. You’re one of the greats — a true leader who attracts all the right things in life.

  Your size may be intimidating to some, but your kind and gentle nature is even bigger. You’re truly magnificent, and I have no doubt you’ll change the world one day. You may follow your brothers today, but I hope you see how much they look up to you. You’re just as big and brawny, more so really, but you have something none of them do.

  Your compassion for others is awe inspiring, and your passion for life rejuvenating. I can’t wait to see the lives you change just for being in them. Don’t be surprised when the family looks to you for strength and guidance because you’re the best, and biggest, little brother.

  I know this change will be hardest on you — take your time to grieve, but don’t stay there too long. Promise me? Your laughter and zest for life will be desperately needed.

  I will always treasure you and our relationship. It’s been pure joy to know you and love you, brother…

  You know where to find me if you miss me…all our favorite places.

  Love, Cass

  - 16 -

  Let it snow…

  Christmas eve and my birthday were on a Sunday, which meant family dinner. It was kind of perfect to wrap three occasions into one. The family hosted festivities at our house, to make it easy, and didn’t hold back.

  I expected a tearful, gloomy day, given the circumstance, but it was anything but sorrowful. Traditions are important in our family, and they rolled out every single one. Liam carried me out to my pillow-padded chair where I could watch everything unfold. After the cookies were cooled and decorated, and the third or fourth classic Christmas movie was underway, I sat back and took in every laugh, every bad joke, and accepted every passing hug or kiss.

  I had fallen more ill, just as I had each day for the past weeks. Without warning, I’d fall asleep, for a random period, only to wake up and see the festivities still underway. Each time I’d open my eyes, I’d catch a glimpse of peering eyes, watching to make sure I was going to wake this time, relieved when I did. I didn’t let that hinder the pure joy this day brought me.

  It was a gift to see them all together this way, one last time. To sit and hear the stories they’d each told a hundred times like it was the first time was everything to me. They played the same games they did each year. Cooked the same meal. Everything was perfect, and I was at peace.

  “Look, Cassy,” Liam said, crouched at my side. He pointed to the large wall length window that overlooked the city.

  “Snow,” I whispered.

  “Happy birthday, baby,” he said, followed by a kiss.

  Before anyone could catch up with what was going on outside, Reagan had on a hat and boots. “Can I build Mama’s snowman now?”

  I smiled, too weak to laugh. “It’ll be a while yet, honey.”

  “Says you,” Liam said. “Get your jackets on gang, hit the rooftop.”

  Liam sat me up, wrapped a heavy blanket around me, and placed an extra one on top of me before he scooped me up. We followed the large crowd that was our family to the elevators and met on the rooftop as instructed.

  I assumed we were going to get a better view of the snow and catch the flakes on our tongues, but much to my surprise, there was something so much more. Piles of snow.

  “How?” I whispered.

  “The guys did it this morning. They had a truckload brought over from McKenzie Ridge, but half of it blew out or melted on the trip over, so they found a machine and had it here by this morning, so you could see Reagan build her snowman and dance in the snow.”

  I just sighed. There wasn’t anything to say. I was so moved by the gesture. That they would provide my final wish, the only thing I wanted for my birthday so I could move on with one last memory, the only one I was lacking...it was beautiful.

  “Let’s get you inside,” Liam said.

  But I stopped him. “No. I’m okay.”

  He sat in my chair, surrounded by the outdoor heaters, with me cradled in his arms where I was always meant to be.

  I’d had the best life, lived my best life, and loved beyond measure. I was the luckiest girl in the world to have had everything I could have ever wanted. My time was shorter than I imagined, but it was time I wouldn’t trade even if it had meant twenty more years.

  I lived the life I was supposed to, and even though it seemed unfair at times, it was the journey I had been destined to travel. A life carved in the world, especially for me, with people that were mine, and I theirs. Nothing could top that. It was all anyone ever wanted, right?

  So, the fairytale wasn’t exactly as we were taught…it was better.

  EPILOGUE

  Felicity…

  “Cassidy O’Reilly was my best friend. The once in a lifetime kind, ya know? And I’m going to miss her dearly,” I said, standing on the rooftop, her favorite place, just as Cass had asked. “When I tried to find the words to describe her, they evaded me. There was only one: good. And it fit her. She was all the good things in life. A good mother, a good wife, a good daughter, a good friend, just…good. She was good at everything, for everything, and made everything better.”

  I held up an envelope with my name on it and showed it to those seated in front of me. “I gave you all one of these. She spent her last months fighting just so she could get them all done. She even wrote one to me. Hmph. I had no idea. It was important to her that you all knew who you were to her, just as she knew who she was to us. Good. I helped her day in and day out make a special gift for Liam and Reagan…scrapbooks that hold dozens and dozens of letters, each with a series of pictures perfect for whatever she was talking about at the time. It was important to her that if we knew nothing else, it was how deeply she loved us, how present she was, even now, and that we’re never without her. That’s what’s in those letters.

  “I guess another word to describe her would be thoughtful. She was definitely that. But most of all, selfless. She hid so much from all of us, to spare us anymore grief than we were already going through. So much so, she even wrote a letter to herself at some point. It was a no-nonsense pep talk to get herself out a rut when she was feeling sorry for herself, which she was entitled to, or feeling defeated, which she never, ever was.” I couldn’t hold it together at that point. There wasn’t a dry eye on the rooftop because the pain we felt was deep, but it was accompanied by a sense of comfort only Cass could provide, even after she was gone.

  “I accidentally came across the letter she wrote for herself when it fell to the floor after she’d fallen asleep. She’d had a rough day and had been reading it. I didn’t mean to read something so private, but I’m glad I did, because it changed my life. Another word for Cass…she was strong, and let’s add brave. No matter how hard her battle was, she fought it with grace and dignity. She sheltered us from the worst of it, enduring it silently. I learned from her that no matter how hard life gets, no matter how big the circumstance you face, there’s no obstacle big enough to prevent you from living your best life. That’s what she did.”

  I opened the second envelope that remained unmarked and shared what was inside. “She wanted us to gather, here, in her favorite place, to celebrate her life and share our favorite memories. She didn’t want to burden anyone with the duty of saying final words, so in true Cass fashion, she even wrote her own eulogy of sorts.”

  Everyone chuckled, because that was exactly who she was. Cass had thought of everything.

  “I agreed to read it, and it’s my honor to do so. I’ll do my best to get through it
, so bear with me…”

  I took a deep breath as I pictured my friend sitting in her chair just beyond where we sat, penning this last letter. It was a letter for all of us — her final farewell.

  “My dearest family…” I began, hearing her voice as I read the words. “If any of you are wearing black, you didn’t know me well at all.”

  The small crowd of just family chuckled. “I’m only kidding, wear black, if you must, take your time to grieve, but please don’t stay in that place long. Life is too short, as we all know, and I know, without a doubt, you all have grand things ahead, and I don’t want to be the cause of delay. We all have a purpose, and I’ve lived mine without a single regret. Now, I get my true forever — forever in your hearts, never far from your mind, and always a smile away. Just like all of you are a small piece of a whole, I’m in a little piece of everything you hold special. I want the tears you shed for me to be those of joy and laughter as you gather on Sundays or during holidays. The memories we share are worth only the best tears, don’t waste them on sadness. If you miss me, that’s where you’ll find me, in the memories and traditions we all hold so close. I’m never far, just one memory away. When you feel me, feel my love for you. Let the hard times bring you comfort; it’s just a testament of our love. If we didn’t share that, it wouldn’t hurt at all…and that’s the greatest thing I’ve learned these final months. The greater the love, the harder it hurts, but that’s the blessing, to have been loved that big. I’ll leave you with that, my dear family. I love you all forever…Love, Cass.”

  I folded up the letter and tucked it back in its envelope while I got myself together.

  “There’s one last word for Cassidy: incredible. I envy the lifetime of memories you all have, but will cherish the short time I had with her. I promised her to…” I choked on my words. “Wow, I thought I could do this. I promised her I’d be sure to ask…”

  I turned my back to Cass’s family, my new family-like friends, and let out a sob. My time with Cassidy may have been the shortest, but it wasn’t any less hard losing her. She’d become my best friend, like a sister to me. I’d made her a promise, and I wouldn’t fail her, so I took a deep breath, swiped my hands across my face to rid it of tears, and finished my promise to Cass.

  “Phew. Sorry. I promised her I would be sure to ask questions about her, to ask you all to tell me your stories of her, and that I’d do it often, for a lifetime if I had to. So, I guess her greatest gift to you is a reminder to smile, love, and remember her favorite word: joy. Her gift to me is the lifetime of memories I didn’t get to live with her, but get to now know through all of you, and I, for one, am so grateful for that gift.”

  We had a buffet set up with all her favorite things and spent the afternoon eating and sharing stories. There were still plenty of tears shed, but enough laughter to make Cass proud.

  I noticed, every so often, someone would wander off and read their letter alone, each ending in a smile. It would be hard, but they’d all come out the other side better for having known Cass and feeling the love she had for all of us.

  I worried about Liam. He sat by himself, expressionless, emotionless, but Cass knew he’d take it the hardest. She’d told me she believed she survived cancer the first time just so she could bring Reagan into the world, so when it really was Cass’s time and the cancer returned, Liam would survive it because of their little girl.

  That was beautiful to me.

  Life is a journey, she’d told me, and it’s our choice to live it or just go through it.

  Dear Felicity…

  You are such a gem. I don’t know where you were all my life, but I’m so glad you found us. From the first moment I met you, I knew you were stuck with us forever. You just fit.

  I admire your tenacity and energy. Your enthusiasm is absolutely contagious. You somehow manage to find the good in everything, even when it isn’t deserved. I learned about silver linings from you, and how even the worst of things contain the best of things…even if they’re small. I didn’t understand the depth of that until you.

  You came into my life just when I needed a friend, someone who saw me at my worst and made me feel my best. You quickly became one of my favorite people, and I thank you for being you, Felicity.

  I’ve asked the world of you and you obliged, no questions asked. You helped me complete the most important task and fulfill my purpose so I could move on with a full heart and peace of mind. Thank you.

  Thank you for loving my daughter, for supporting my family, and being a true friend. Thank you for seeing the hardest moment through so my family didn’t have to — just like I needed you, so do they.

  Please be there for them. Please comfort them and remind them who they are. Ask them questions, keep them talking, and push them to continue on as if I’m still there, with all of you.

  We struck gold with you, Felicity Nichols, and my only regret is I don’t get to be right by your side to see where this life takes you. I know it’s going to be grand. You were made for great things, dear friend. I adore you…more than words can illustrate.

  Until we meet again, sweet friend…

  Love, Cass

  Dear Liam…

  I can’t believe it’s Reagans first day of kindergarten already! This is what she’s been waiting for, remember? She’d say, “I’m waiting my whole life to ride the bus.” Now, I know you and the boys — there isn’t a chance you’re letting her on that bus without first running a background check on the driver and all the kids on her route. Go ahead, if it gives you peace of mind, but we both know you’re just going to drive her because nobody will pass your test. Not when it comes to our girl. I love that about you. You’ve always taken care of us and kept us safe…even when it was silly to.

  Promise me something…let her ride the bus, at least once in a while. Now, before you puff out your chest and that little vein in your forehead bulges, hear me out. Let her grow up and see the world through her own eyes. Let her experience things for herself and make her own choices, when appropriate. These are the small things that really are the big things. Let her live her dream and ride the bus…but make sure you follow it.

  When the boys tease her and pull her braids, or the girls do whatever they’re going to do to hurt her feelings…let her deal with those things. Show her how to handle them and let her see it through. You’ll know if it’s too much; she’ll tell you when she needs you. And when she does, don’t do it in a way that requires hacking the mean kids’ parents’ accounts. Show her how to handle adversity with grace and dignity.

  I so wish I could be there with you today. Please remember to take lots of pictures. Memories like these are the ones that stick.

  I know you’ll give Reagan the pep talk, but here’s one from me to you. Be brave, daddy. We’ve raised a fantastic little girl, and you’re doing such a good job. I don’t have to be there to know that. I’m always near…

  I love you forever…and then some more.

  Love, Cass

  Dearest Reagan,

  I’m so sorry for your loss, sweet girl. Our pets are like family or a best friend. We nurture them, love on them, protect them, and lean on them. Losing a pet is like losing a small part of your heart, honey. I’m sure you loved your pal immensely because you don’t know how to love any way other than big. And I’m sure your special loved one loved you back just as much because it’s impossible not to love you until it hurts.

  There isn’t an easy way around the pain you’re feeling, other than to just feel it. Feel every bit of it, because each ache is attached to a wonderful memory. Remind yourself of those wonderful memories. It sounds silly, but it will help you heal because the more you focus on the good things, the more you’ll rejoice in them and see just how much those lovely memories outweigh the pain you’re feeling right now. It doesn’t make sense now, but one day, it will.

  Your heart is hurting, and it’s hard to say goodbye, but always remember there is purpose in all things — even loss. It may make you
think of me, and selfishly, I hope that it does, because then you’ll remember the hugs and kisses that I would have showered you with today.

  It’s okay to cry, honey, but be brave too. Give yourself the time you need to be sad, but only as long as you don’t forget the joy too. Be happy again, my sweet girl. Know that I’m always with you. I love you bigger than the sky, baby girl.

  Forgive daddy if he acts a little silly over this — boys just deal with these things differently than we do. He might stumble over his words and say the wrong thing, but only because he loves you so much, that the right words are hard to find. Lean on each other, honey. I’m sure it’s a sad day for daddy too — mostly because he loves you so much, it hurts to see you sad.

  I love you…

  Always and forever,

  Mama

  My dear sweet Reagan,

  Today is a big day for you! My, have you grown — you’re not a little girl anymore, but becoming a young lady. I know it may seem awkward, and even embarrassing, to deal with this part of growing up, but remember it’s such a short time. It won’t last forever, and when you look back, it’ll be nothing but a brief memory. It might even make you giggle.

  Please forgive daddy. I’m sure he acted funny when he found out. Boys are weird that way, even when they are men. It’s hard for him to watch you grow so fast. He’s always going to see you as his little girl, even when you’re a grown woman with a family of your own. Let him have that, sweet girl — it’s what makes him such a good man and father.

  I miss you, baby, and I’m sure you miss me too. Remember I’m always there for every smile and every tear, the good and the bad. Always find the joy, Reagan. Let it wash over you in everything, everywhere. And when you can’t find it…be the joy.

  Love you always,

  Mommy

  Dearest Liam…