Fractured Hope (Undone Series Book 4)

by Kristy Love

  It felt as if making these cookies somehow damaged me. I wasn’t sure how to be okay through the tears that wouldn’t stop falling or the hollow ache in my chest that wouldn’t go away.

  The entire time Roman was here, I felt his eyes on me. And, damn me, I loved it. I felt him watching me as if I were his favorite painting. I put a little more sway in my hips every time I walked. No matter how many times I told myself I was being ridiculous, I couldn’t stop. I wanted him to want me.

  And for a period of time, it seemed to work. He teased me and egged me on. When he whipped his shirt off, it was hard as hell to get a decent breath in. My heart fluttered around my chest and my stomach swirled. I felt alive. And, God, that feeling was almost as intoxicating as his lips. As he stood in front of me, I noticed the physical training and workouts he did to stay in shape for his job were very good to him. I’d never really cared about muscles one way or another. But the lines and cuts defining his muscles made me feel weak. He made me feel weak and strong all at once.

  I tried to ignore what he was doing to me. I couldn’t get swept up in it because there was no way he found me attractive. He was tasked with watching over me because of David. He’d highlighted, very rudely, that no one would want to fuck a bag of bones like me. And who would? Sure, I’d added a little weight with the foods and things I’d been baking, but I was nowhere near curvy. I knew the arousal I was feeling was one way, so I fought it off. I tried my damnedest to focus on the cookies, on my breathing, on the smell of the cookies wafting around the room.

  Roman had a different idea, though. When he grabbed me and kissed me, my heart damn near exploded in my chest. Parts of me that had been dormant and forgotten burst to life and my heart beat as though I were running a damn marathon. The feel of his arms and his lips . . . It was better than anything I could have ever imagined. I got lost in his touch.

  Then the damn timer went off. And he ran. I was left with a racing heart and thoughts and no clue what just happened. I was mad at myself for falling prey to these feelings and I was angry at him for doing this to me. I was embarrassed and rejected.

  The cookies distracted me from the emptiness Roman had filled and then left behind. I had purpose, giving something to people who were experiencing the same heartache I was, so I kept wrapping them and preparing to deliver them to the hospital. If I could make someone feel good for even a few seconds, then it was all worth it.

  Even if I was aching more than before.

  My front door burst open. “Mia!” Roxie called out. For a few seconds, I hoped it was Roman, coming back to apologize, to tell me he wanted me as much as I wanted him.

  No such luck. Just Roxie.

  “It smells fucking glorious in here. You better have some cookies for me, woman. This pregnant mama needs some baked goods!” Roxie rounded the corner and the smile on her face wavered when she saw me. She rushed toward me and wrapped her arms around me. “Mia, honey, what’s wrong? Is Gia okay?”

  I sniffled and wiped my face with the back of my hands. “Everything’s okay. I’m just a moron.” I tried to smile, but it wasn’t convincing, especially with new tears sliding down my face.

  “You’re not a moron. What happened?”

  I fought to keep the words at bay, to hide my humiliation from the world, but the words poured out of me. I told her about Roman. I told her about the snow shoveling, the lawn mowing, the dinner eating, the dessert making and eating, and, finally, the kiss. She listened, never interjecting once. Normally, she interrupted with her trademark sass, but I think she could tell just how crushed I was.

  Roman had given me hope that I could have a life, even a bit of one, without Gia. Maybe it wouldn’t be a whole life, and I’d always feel the emptiness and loss of her, but if I had him, maybe someday I could be okay. And if a miracle happened and Gia woke up, my life would be even more full because Roman was in it. Whether we were friends or something more, I cared about him. Little piece by little piece, my heart had been falling for him. He’d just destroyed whatever fragment was okay.

  God, I hated being this pathetic.

  “Mia,” Roxie said, her voice full of pity. I hated that. I didn’t want anyone’s pity.

  “It’s okay.” I pulled myself straighter and away from Roxie. “I’ll be okay. It’s just been an emotional day.” I tried to laugh it off, but a fresh wave of sadness washed over me. How was Roman able to break my heart this much when he didn’t even hold all of it?

  “It’s not okay. I’m going to go beat his motherfucking ass.” She moved toward the door. “And then, I’m going home to kick David’s ass for being such a douchebag and enlisting someone else’s help when he should have been here himself.”

  Hearing her call David a douchebag made me think of Roman and how he always called David my step-douche. New tears fell down my cheeks and Roxie came back toward me, hugging me.

  “I’m so sorry, honey. I never, ever wanted you to be hurt again. I wish I could take it away.”

  “I’m so pathetic,” I blubbered. “The pain is better than the nothing I have felt for so long. That’s why it hurts so much. Roman made me feel. He gave me hope. He made me want. And I hate him for giving it to me only to shatter it.”

  “He didn’t give it to you; you allowed yourself to feel it. You’ll feel it again; I know you will. Gia will wake up and you’ll live a whole life full of happiness and love.”

  “He convinced me to bake again, Roxie. He convinced me that I could maybe open my own bakery and not fail. No one has had faith in me for so long. It was nice to have someone pulling for me.”

  “Stop it. Now.” She grabbed my shoulder and tilted my face up to hers, staring me in the eyes. “I’ve had faith in you from the beginning. David has faith in you. Hell, even Ry has faith in you. You can do this,” she said, shaking my shoulders slightly. “You are a damn good person and a damn good baker. You’ll crush it. The celebrities will be beating down your door for your cakes and cookies.” She picked up a cookie off the platter and took a bite, moaning. “I mean, come on. These cookies are fucking orgasmic. The last thing you need is a man to come along and fuck it up for you.”

  “I just don’t want to be alone anymore,” I said, my voice small, tears slipping down my cheeks. There was no fighting them. I was so damn sad.

  “You’ll never be alone. You’re my best friend, M. You’re stuck with me until my ass is sagging on the floor and my tits need their own wheelchair to get around.” I laughed lightly at the image she painted. “Do you want help with the cookies? I can help package them up?”

  “Yeah, thanks.”

  We spent the rest of the afternoon and evening getting the cookies ready and putting them into a box. The next morning, I would deliver them around the hospital to anyone who wanted them. It was a small pleasure, but it felt so monumental.

  The next morning, I loaded the box of cookies in my car, then stopped. I grabbed one bag of them and ran back in the house, scrawled a note on it, then rested it on Roman’s doorstep. Even if whatever we had was over, I still owed him thanks. He helped me get my life back on track, get some order to the chaos. He filled in the emptiness, even a little bit, for a short while.

  I’d always appreciate him for that.

  * * *

  My heart raced as I walked up to the first room. I’d gotten the okay from the nursing staff to pass out the cookies, but I was nervous. What if people hated them? What if people didn’t appreciate me walking into a room where they were already dealing with so much. I shook it off. I couldn’t let my nerves and over-working brain stop me.

  I knocked on the door. It was partially open and voices came from inside. The door opened and a tired and pale woman stood there.

  “Hi. My name is Mia. I have some cookies for you if you’d like them.” I held my hands up, showing off the packaged cookies.

  “Sure.” She forced a smile and I knew how she felt. Even a small smile was too much work, too taxing. I handed her the package of sweets and she thanked me
.

  The rest of the day went similarly. Sometimes I was invited into rooms to talk, sometimes the cookies were declined, and a few times I got a genuine smile out of people. With each interaction, each smile, each bundle handed off, I felt a little better.

  I had just been invited into a room by a mother who introduced herself as Tammy. Her little boy, no older than seven, lay on the bed and my heart immediately sank and it was hard to breath. This child was very sick, maybe even dying. His skin was impossibly pale and his head was bald. He had an IV and a feeding tube going up his nose. Even with all his sickly pallor, his eyes were bright and alert. He smiled when he saw me.

  “Duncan, this is Mia. She brought us some cookies.” His mom smiled. Even though you could clearly see the sadness and exhaustion on her face, she smiled. She sat down next to him and opened the wrapping and grabbed a cookie, taking a bite. “Oh, Mia. These are delicious.”

  “Can I try, Mom?” Duncan asked, his voice weak. I wasn’t sure you could eat with a feeding tube, but they may not have cared. If you were at the end of your life, did it matter if you followed the rules? If Gia was awake and asked for a cookie, I’d find a way to give her some. In the grand scheme of things, it didn’t matter.

  “Of course.” Tammy broke off a piece of cookie, a very small piece, and placed it in his open mouth. Instead of chewing it, Duncan sucked on it a little, letting it dissolve.

  “So yummy.” He smiled and his eyes fluttered shut, though I was convinced it was because he was tired, not from the cookie.

  “You guys are way too sweet.” I moved a little closer to Duncan’s bed. “I’m so glad you like them.”

  “So, Mia. Tell us, where can we buy more of these delicious cookies?” Tammy asked. I couldn’t get over how okay she seemed, even in the face of all she was dealing with.

  “Oh, they aren’t for sale. I made these in my kitchen.”

  “That’s truly a shame. This is the kind of cookie that ruins diets.”

  I laughed softly. “Don’t all cookies ruin diets?”

  She looked thoughtful a moment. “Yeah, I guess they do. But these would make it so worth it. Every bite.” She smiled and bit into the cookie. Duncan’s eyes stayed closed and the tension in his body relaxed a little as he drifted into sleep. For the first time, I saw Tammy’s sorrow seep out as she gazed down on her little boy. Clearly, she was putting on a brave face for him. “Would you like to grab a cup of coffee? I think some caffeine would really kick these cookies up to the next level.”

  “Sure.” I’d been at the hospital for hours and I needed a break. The sickness was too much to take sometimes. Even if the child was recovering from something as minor as an appendectomy, it was hard to see such small and helpless people suffering or ill. But the smiles I got made it totally worth it. I knew this would become something I did regularly.

  We went to the vending machine down the hall and sat in the waiting area. “So, Mia. What made you decide to delight sick children and their parents with cookies?”

  “My daughter.” I cleared my throat. I hated this. “My daughter is in a hospital. Not this one; she’s in more of a nursing home, long-term type care.”

  Tammy rested her hand on mine. “I’m so sorry, Mia.” I nodded. “Duncan has leukemia. They’ve exhausted treatments. Right now, it’s just about keeping him comfortable.”

  “I’m sorry.” There weren’t words for the grief of losing a child. No amount of sorries would ever make it okay.

  “We’ve made as much peace with it as we can. My husband is having a harder time. Duncan got sick when he was a toddler. We’ve been battling this for so long. We never had any other children. All of our time, money, and energy went into making him okay. I’m not sure what’ll happen now.”

  “Watching your child go through this pain and not being able to do anything is the worst thing in the world. You feel so helpless. You’re supposed to protect your children, not watch them die.”

  “Oh, honey. I know. It’s awful. I keep trying to smile for Duncan, but it’s hard.”

  The topic was depressing, but it was nice to talk to someone who got me. She understood the pain and suffering I’d been enduring for a year. I didn’t have to try to make her understand. We could just talk. I felt less alone. I knew there were parents all over the world watching their children suffer, but I’d never talked to one. I had avoided the support groups and counseling Gia’s doctors presented to me. I didn’t want to sit in a crowd of people and talk about how awful everything was, then go our separate ways until the next time we got together to talk about how much everything sucked.

  Tammy and I talked for awhile. I told her what happened with Mia. She talked about Duncan’s diagnosis and treatment. We smiled and even laughed a few times.

  She checked her watch. “I should probably get back. Duncan gets nervous when he wakes up and I’m not there.”

  “Thank you for talking with me and being so sweet. It was nice to talk to someone and feel normal.”

  “Thank you for the cookies.” She took a few steps away, then backtracked. “Here, give me your number. Maybe we can get together again.”

  “Absolutely.” We exchanged numbers and a hug before she went back to Duncan’s room. I had a handful of cookies left, so I went to the nurses’ station and left them there. They had to deal with this day in and day out, caring for patients that may never make it. They needed a little bit of sugary relief as well.

  I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I wanted to go home and take a nap, or sleep until tomorrow, but I needed to go visit Gia. I missed her sweet little face and I wanted to hold her hand. It was nice to feel normal and okay for a few minutes before reality crashed down on me.

  And more than anything, I wished I could text Roman and tell him how amazingly it went.

  Instead, I went to see Gia, alone. I sat with her and talked to her for a few hours, trying to keep the topic light and cheery. Then I went home, alone, to crawl into bed and sleep until I couldn’t force my eyes to stay closed any longer.

  CHAPTER 14

  Roman

  I STARED AT THE FUCKING cookies and cursed under my breath for the millionth time. I had left for work and found the cookies on my doorstep with a little note taped to them.

  Roman,

  You gave me hope when I was sure all had been lost. Thank you.

  - Mia

  I read the note fifty times before I went to my truck and raced to work, breaking speed limits and then slamming on my brakes. I’d been pissed at myself since leaving Mia’s. I knew she was in a fragile state and I took advantage of that. I kissed her when I wasn’t ready for the consequences. I wasn’t ready to want more. And from the beginning, I’d wanted more from her. As soon as I talked to her, I knew I wanted to talk to her more. Then when we had dinner, I wanted more dinners. More of her baking. More time with her.

  And now I wanted to kiss her more. And a lot more than kiss.

  I was a fucking asshole for wanting it because I wouldn’t ever be able to give her what she wanted. My heart wasn’t mine to give away. My heart wasn’t even my heart anymore. Then why did she make me feel so much? She was a mystery and it pissed me off that I wanted to solve it. I wanted to figure out why she made me feel the way she did and why she was the way she was.

  Fuck. She had me twisted.

  I sat on the cot at the firehouse. It was one of my infrequent shifts at the fire department. Usually, I was in a bus, working on people as they were taken to the hospital. Tonight, though, I was waiting on a fire call. They happened, but not with the frequency that ambulances were needed. I liked being on an engine instead of a bus. I got to sleep during the night until we were needed. I also got time to think, which I needed and didn’t want. All I could think about was how I’d hurt Mia and how that made me angry. Angry because she’s a sweet girl and she didn’t deserve that. Angry because I acted like a pussy and ran away when things got too real or close between us.

  The alarm sounded, notifying u
s of a call. I rushed toward the pole and slid down, then got my gear on. The guys called out as they climbed on the engine. The blare of the siren and the speed of the engine took my mind off the shit show I’d turned my life into.

  After five minutes, we pulled up to a house with smoke billowing out of the windows. Every man and woman on the truck had what they were doing down to a science. Paul was on hydrant, which luckily was located nearby in the neighbor’s front yard. Jimmy and Ericka unfurled the hose and got it ready to hook up. My job was to assess victims at the scene. With my training as a paramedic, I helped with smoke inhalation or any other distress people might have, leaving the rest of my crew free to extinguish the fire. We worked like a well-oiled machine. Everyone did what they were supposed to, no hesitation or questions asked.

  A woman stood across the street, her face streaked with ash. In her arms, a toddler cried relentlessly. The woman stared at the house, her eyes wide, glassy, and vacant. Her chin wobbled with barely contained emotion. She didn’t sway to comfort the baby or even pat him. Instead, she looked as though she was in complete shock.

  “Ma’am, are you okay?” I asked. I immediately assessed her visually. She wasn’t coughing nor did she appear in respiratory distress. All her distress appeared to be emotional and mental.

  “My daughter Paisley is in the back of the house.” Her eyes snapped to mine, filling with terror and tears. “Please, please. My baby girl.” The thin hold she had on her emotions snapped. As soon as she lost it, the toddler in her arms began freaking out. She’d been holding herself together to keep the baby calm.

  “I need you to tell me exactly where she is in the house.”

  “In the back, past the kitchen. That’s where her playroom is. I was in the front of the house, changing the baby. I don’t know what happened. The fire blazed in the kitchen. I didn’t have time to run back and get her. Please,” she begged. Her knees gave out as she sank to the ground.