Fractured Hope (Undone Series Book 4)

by Kristy Love

  “They have a new fan, huh? Are you on board with Roxie and David?”

  One side of his mouth quirked up as he moved closer to me. “I’m on board with you. If they’re important to you, then they’re important to me.”

  I couldn’t wipe the silly grin off my face. “So, you like me, huh?”

  “I definitely, definitely like you.” And with that, the conversation ended as he sealed his lips to mine and we got lost in each other.

  * * *

  It had been four hours since I left Roman in bed and got ready for work. He walked me to my car and kissed me silly before he went home to get cleaned up and head to work himself. I walked in to work with a permanent smile that not even David and his nosy questions could erase. He seemed pretty dead set on getting details about Roman. Since I had so much practice blowing him off, I was able to stop the conversation before he asked too many questions.

  I was about to leave when my phone rang. Checking it, I saw the selfie that Roxie had taken with my phone and programmed for her contact information.

  “Hello,” I said as I answered the phone.

  “It’s girl’s night out. Can you separate yourself from your man long enough to come out and see the ladies?”

  “My man is working tonight.” I couldn’t fight the small thrill that went through me at the thought and mention of him.

  “Perfect! Then go home, get sexy, and meet us at Harry’s!” Of course they’d pick their favorite restaurant and bar. They rotated between a few of them, but it seemed Harry’s was their absolute favorite.

  “I wanted to go to the hospital tonight.” I debated with myself. I wanted to hold on to this happy feeling, the way I felt everything was good and I had no worries. As soon as I walked into the hospital room, it would disintegrate into the depression and hopelessness that haunted me every second of every day.

  “Of course. We aren’t planning to go out until a little later. Go visit our girl and then meet up with us around nine.” She cleared her throat. “I should warn you though, I’m telling the girls I’m pregnant tonight. I don’t want to catch you off guard.”

  “Thanks for the warning.” I smiled at her concern. Roxie was such an amazing person and friend. I was so glad I had her in my life. “I can probably meet you then.” I’d get to spend a few hours with Gia, and still have some girl time. I wanted to go out and feel normal for a little bit. Surely that wasn’t a crime, was it? That didn’t make me any less of a loving mother because I needed some time for myself, did it? I hated having to convince myself that I wasn’t a horrible person for wanting some time outside of the hospital.

  “You can do it. No question. Meet us at nine and bring your party panties!”

  I laughed and agreed. Time with Roxie would help keep my spirits high. And I needed that.

  * * *

  The whole gang was here tonight: Roxie, Harper, Cassie, Ry, and Courtney. Roxie ordered a round of sweet tea for everyone and a plate of ultimate nachos. When everything was set on the table, Roxie tapped her spoon against her glass, effectively ending all conversation going on around the table. All eyes turned to her as she stood, holding her tea in the air.

  “I have an announcement,” she said, her eyes sparkling and a smile shining on her face. Her happiness exuded from her so clearly and it brushed off on everyone who looked up at her. “I’m very happy and surprised to announce . . . I’m pregnant!”

  The table exploded in cheers and congratulations. Hugs were given and Cassie shed happy tears. Ry cheered and jumped up and down. Roxie was radiant and clearly thrilled. Harper, Roxie’s best friend, squealed and smothered Roxie in a hug. Courtney clapped while expressing her congratulations.

  I smiled, the pain of her announcement not slicing me as deeply since she’d already told me. The wound was still there, and it still hurt, but it was more of a dull ache. I joined the celebration, hugging Roxie and offering her my congratulations. She eyed me, afraid of my reaction, I was sure. I kept the smile pasted to my face and made sure I showed her my enthusiasm.

  Now that I had time to process everything, I was happy for her. I was happy they were starting their own family. I was happy they were so beyond pleased about this pregnancy. I’d found a way to be happy for her and David. I didn’t let my own circumstances bleed over onto hers any longer.

  “Thank you,” she whispered in my ear. She backed up, holding my eyes to show me how much it meant to her. I hugged her close, damn near squeezing the life out of her.

  “I love you, Rox. I am so happy for you.”

  A smile exploded across her face and she kissed my cheek, clearly unable to contain her excitement.

  The conversation flowed around the table as people excitedly talked about the pregnancy, wanting to know if they’d picked names or if they knew the gender. Roxie held my hand as she answered the questions, a huge smile never leaving her face. She looked over at me a few times and I gave her hand a reassuring squeeze each time. I could tell by the relief on her face that she was glad I was here with her, celebrating with her and her friends. In so many ways, it was more real now. Her pregnancy was really happening. All of our friends knew. Seeing the happiness and excitement of everyone else made it feel more real to me—and more joyous.

  There was nowhere else I’d rather be than with my best friend, celebrating with her.

  CHAPTER 18

  Mia

  I WAS IN MY KITCHEN, baking. Roman and I planned to take cookies to the hospital tomorrow, and this time nothing would stop us from going together. I smiled at the thought. I smiled every time I thought of him or heard from him or was around him. He had become so important to me. I was afraid of what would happen if he ever stopped coming around.

  Roman had worked the last twenty-four hours and was currently sleeping. Instead of returning to his house this morning, he came to mine and crawled into bed with me. I’d given him a key a few weeks ago, figuring he could help me out if something came up. But, really, I wanted him to come over whenever he wanted. I liked waking up to him pulling me tight against his bare chest, inhaling my scent, and then falling asleep next to me. I’d stayed awake, tracing my fingers over his skin, absorbing his heat and presence. He made me feel things I never expected to feel. Sometimes it scared me, but more and more recently, it made me feel happy and at peace. As though this was where I was meant to be.

  I hummed as I went about packaging up cookies, my mind on the rest of the things I had to do that day. I needed to go visit Gia. I missed her, but even visiting her didn’t take that ache away. I’d probably feel her absence until she came back to me fully.

  I left the cupcakes to cool and set the cookies to the side. I put the icing in the fridge and went about cleaning up the mess I’d made.

  Once the kitchen was spotless and the cupcakes were cooled and iced, I crept upstairs to get ready to go visit Gia. Roman had only been asleep for six hours, so I was sure he needed more time. He usually slept like the dead after a shift. He didn’t wake up for at least twelve hours.

  In my bedroom, I stopped and gazed down at him. A lock of his dark hair was in the center of his forehead and his arm was raised over his head, stretching out his body. I wanted to crawl up under that arm and rest my head against his chest to listen to his heartbeat, but I needed to get moving. It amazed me that he was able to distract me from everything I should be focused on. The sheet was pulled up to his hips, though it was slung low as if he were wearing a pair of jeans that were hanging on for dear life. He looked peaceful in sleep. I fought the urge to take a picture like a creeper just so I could look at it when he wasn’t around.

  Shaking my head, I got ready quickly and quietly, not wanting to disturb him. I left him a note beside the bed telling him where I was going and I slipped out of the house to go see my baby girl.

  * * *

  I brushed Gia’s hair and hummed a song that she used to love. She’d beg me to sing it over and over again, whether I was brushing her teeth, bathing her, or brushing her hair. She
sang along as best she could with her sweet little voice, though she stuttered over the words. It didn’t matter. That was when we were together. I’d sing that damn song nonstop for the rest of my life if it meant she’d come back to me.

  I got a washcloth and gently wiped her face. The hospital staff bathed her and took excellent care of her, but I wanted to feel useful. I wanted to do something other than sit and hold her hand and talk to her. I thought maybe if I performed the little tasks I had when she was awake, she’d sense me and want to wake up.

  I’d been doing these things regularly for a year and she still hadn’t woken up. I couldn’t give up hope though.

  My phone rang and I saw it was Roman so I answered as I wiped the corners of Gia’s mouth.

  “Hey,” I said, distracted with taking care of Gia.

  “David called. He invited us to dinner tonight. I told him I had to check with you.”

  “Sure. Let me finish up with Gia, then I’ll come home and we’ll go.”

  “Take your time. I told him you were visiting with her.”

  “What did I do to deserve someone so understanding and sweet?”

  He made a satisfied and amused noise into the phone. “You give me too much credit, babe.”

  “I don’t think you accept enough credit. So we’re even.”

  “Text me when you leave the hospital and I’ll give David an idea of what time we’ll show up.”

  “Of course.”

  “I’ll see you later.”

  “Can’t wait.”

  We hung up and I went back to pampering Gia the best I could. I had my favorite lotion in my purse, so I rubbed it into her hands. She used to beg me to use this lotion, but it was expensive so I usually told her no. Now, I’d let her bathe in the damned stuff and buy a lifetime supply. Hell, I’d let her have cookies and cake for breakfast.

  Well, maybe not only cookies and cakes. They were made with eggs though, right? There was some nutritional value.

  The rest of my visit was spent much the same way. I rubbed Gia’s arms and hands. She had leg massagers on to keep clots from forming, so I stretched and curled her legs up, keeping her joints and muscles from atrophying too badly. She had therapists who did all this, but I was told it couldn’t hurt if I did it some myself. I slipped new socks I bought her onto her feet to help keep them warm.

  I doted on my baby girl the only way I knew how.

  Once all my busy work was done, I sat down next to her and held her hand. I told her about Uncle David’s new baby and how she needed to wake up so they could play together.

  The entire time, I ignored the hollowness in my heart and the pain coursing through me.

  Avoidance and denial were sometimes the only way I got through a visit. Hell, it was the only way I usually got through the day.

  * * *

  Roman drove us to David’s house as he held my hand. I directed him which way to go, though he was more familiar with the area than I was. With his job, he knew all the back roads and main roads. We chatted aimlessly and he told me how his night went. Luckily, it was mostly uneventful. People must have been practicing fire safety. I worried when he was wearing his firefighter hat. The danger of the fire and the damaged buildings always put a knot in my gut. I worried about a building falling on him, trapping him in a fiery pit.

  That wasn’t to say being on an ambulance wasn’t scary as well. He dealt with a lot of crazy people who were ill and even on drugs. On top of that, they drove at crazy high speeds and blazed through red lights. I worried he’d get in his own car accident and be flung around the back of the ambulance.

  My imagination worked overtime.

  I closed my eyes, listening to him talk about a practical joke Tony pulled on him. I wasn’t sure exactly what he was saying; I just loved the sound of his voice. I felt content and at peace, at least as much as I was able.

  “Are you listening to me or falling asleep?” he asked, giving my hand a squeeze.

  “I’m enjoying the sound of your voice.”

  “You’ve got it that bad, huh?” Humor filled his voice.

  “I’ve got it that bad.”

  “Good.”

  We seemed to be participating in some kind of delicate dance. We’d allow ourselves to get close to each other, but not so close that we were lost in each other. I knew I could easily fall in love with him, but I couldn’t allow myself. It was too risky and I was too fragile. Part of me wanted to fall. I wanted to be consumed with my emotion for him to the point that he was all I thought about, all I needed, but that wasn’t practical. I’d always want and need Gia. She’d always be my priority. Could Roman be happy with that? Would he be content to never have a family? Would he be okay if Gia never woke up and I spent most of my time with her? These questions would arise if we were to continue seeing each other. I just hoped we could put them off a bit longer.

  “You brought the cupcakes, right?” I asked. I’d made another batch of Roxie and David’s favorites.

  “Of course.”

  “How could I have doubted you?”

  “I’m offended you even had an inclination to think I’d let you down,” he teased. Even though he was joking, I felt warmth spread in my body. He wouldn’t let me down. It was so nice to have someone to count on.

  Before long, we pulled up outside of David and Roxie’s.

  Once inside, Roxie and David each pulled me into a hug. Roman and David exchanged chin tilts. I knew Roman still considered David as a bit of a step-douche, though I think David was growing on him. Now that he knew more of the story surrounding us, he realized how much we all had to deal with and that David was doing the best he could. That’s all any of us could do at this point.

  “Oh, you brought the cupcakes!” Roxie gushed, taking them from my hands, opening the package, and sniffing them. She moaned. “God. These cupcakes will go straight to my fat ass, but they are so worth it.”

  “Your ass isn’t fat, love,” David said, grabbing her ass and planting a kiss on the side of her head. She beamed up at him.

  Inside, we caught up on the usual things. Roxie and David were different with each other, though. They were more . . . affectionate than usual. David would move past her and brush his hand along the small of her back and he touched her frequently. At one point, he held his hand against her abdomen, a smile on his lips. Roxie had a natural glow about her, and her happiness caused her eyes to shine. My heart broke and swelled at the same time. They would be amazing parents. Their relationship, which was already rock solid, seemed to be even stronger. Contentment radiated from them. I loved seeing it. I loved knowing my brother had found the other half of his soul. I was happy to know he found someone as amazing as Roxie to be his counterpart.

  At the same time, I was sad. I had two pregnancies with my husband. He never touched me affectionately like that or cared about my baby bump. He never went to my ultrasounds, nor did he care to know the baby’s gender. Had I really been that blind? Brock had never once looked at me the way David looked at Roxie. Brock had never been enthusiastic or particularly concerned with either pregnancy. Hell, he hadn’t even cared too much about Gia beyond bragging rights. His own daughter had been in a hospital bed for a year and he never checked on her. He’d never even visited her. Why had I accepted that?

  I looked at Roman. He laughed at something Roxie said to David, no doubt something inappropriate. The corners of his eyes crinkled and his laughter rang out, a deep, throaty laugh. I couldn’t help but feel it slide down my spine. Roman looked at me as though I mattered, as though he cared, as though I was someone who meant something to him. If I’d been able to carry his baby, would he have rubbed my belly and cooed to the baby? Would he have gone to the ultrasound and helped me decorate the nursery? Would we have cuddled up and discussed baby names?

  Why hadn’t I met Roman first? My life would be different now. I’d be able to have the family I’d always wanted instead of whatever I was able to forge from the wreckage that my life had become.

>   We ate dinner, the conversation flowing around me. As much as I wanted to be present, in the moment, I couldn’t. I felt a heaviness in my heart and mind. I hated myself for allowing everything that had transpired to become my reality.

  I loved the easy way Roman was with David and Roxie. They got along so well, laughing and talking as if they’d been good friends all along. Roman reached under the table and rested his hand on my knee, moving it a little higher until I looked at him. He smiled at me, raising an eyebrow as if he was asking if I was okay. I nodded once, forcing a smile.

  As Roxie and David’s family grew, would I be able to be happy the way I craved? Would I always have part of me that was jealous and bitter? I hated that about me. It made me feel like the world’s worst person.

  “So, Mia,” Roxie said, breaking me out of my thoughts.

  “Yeah?” I gave her my attention, attempting to push all of my musings from my mind. I could obsess over all of this later when I was in bed, alone.

  “I’m not sure if this is something you’d be interested in,” she started, hesitation in her voice. David squeezed her hand, urging her to continue. “I know you have a lot going on, but I was wondering if you’d be interested in making the cake for my baby shower?” Her words took me off guard.

  “Baby shower?”

  “Harper is insisting on throwing one for me.” She shrugged as though it didn’t matter to her, but I knew better. Roxie had to be excited about this baby; it was written all over her body. “She thought she’d order one from Toodaloo’s downtown, but . . . you make my favorite cakes and cookies. I wanted to ask you before we ordered one from them.”

  “I’d be happy to,” I said. I wanted to show support for Roxie in any way I could. If making her a cake let her know that I loved her and was excited for her, then I’d make her ten cakes.

  Maybe it would also ease some of the guilt eating at me, as well.

  “We’ll buy the supplies and pay you for your time,” she said quickly.