Fractured Hope (Undone Series Book 4)

by Kristy Love

  In some ways I was.

  “I don’t know what to do, but this can’t continue. I can’t leave her in that bed to rot. I’m scared . . .” Her voice trailed off. “Okay. I’ll try talking to her.”

  A few seconds later, there was a tentative knock on the door. I closed my eyes like a petulant child, wanting Roxie to think I was asleep. The door creaked open and I heard Roxie step across the carpet. The bed sank as she sat down next to me.

  “I know you’re awake.”

  “No, I’m not.”

  “You just responded. You’re not a sleep talker.”

  “Fine. I’m awake. Not opening my eyes, though.”

  She sighed. When had I become such a damn toddler? “You need to get up. Eat something. Shower. Drink more than a sip.”

  “Don’t want to.”

  “Don’t make me drag you out of bed. You know I will.”

  My eyes popped open and I leveled her with a glare. “I didn’t leave someone at the altar, Roxie. My daughter died. She’s dead. In the ground. Buried.” Roxie flinched. “There’s no brushing yourself off and getting back in the game. There’s nothing for me.”

  “What are you planning to do? Lie in this bed the rest of your life? Be one of those people whose skin fuses to weird objects? Like that guy whose ass skin grew to the toilet.”

  I cringed at the visual. “I’ll make sure I roll around to keep skin fusion from happening.”

  Roxie’s eyes turned sad. “She wouldn’t want this for you, M.” Her voice was soft, as though she regretted what she was about to say, but it was important. “She wouldn’t want you to stop living. Gia was so full of happiness and light. She’d want you to keep going. For her.”

  Tears sprang to my eyes. Would I ever stop crying? “Why couldn’t she have gotten a miracle, Roxie? Why did she have to go?”

  “Oh, honey.” Roxie stroked my hair. “I don’t know. If anyone on this planet deserved a miracle, it was that little girl.” Silence surrounded us as she kept stroking my hair and tears fell onto my pillow. “Do something in her memory. Make her life—and death—mean something.”

  “Like what?”

  “What do you want to do?”

  What did I want to do? Stop feeling so damn miserable. I wanted to find a way to be okay, but how could you possibly heal after burying your child? It didn’t seem possible to me. “I’ll have to think about it.”

  “I know that would make Gia happy.” I nodded. She stood and walked toward the door, turning before she exited the room. “I think Gia would really like it if her mama stopped smelling like a damn men’s locker room, though.” She smiled at me before closing the door behind her.

  I lifted up the covers and sniffed, gagging at my own stench. Roxie was right. I couldn’t stay in this bed forever. I couldn’t wallow in this misery. I had to live, at least the most basic of lives.

  I showered, scrubbing myself vigorously. I brushed my teeth and my hair. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and hated what I saw. Even though I’d been sleeping a lot, I had huge dark circles under my eyes. My skin was sickly pale, and it even sagged a bit.

  I left the bathroom and found Roxie sitting in the living room. “I’ve made a decision.” Roxie raised an eyebrow. “I want to sell my house.”

  Her eyebrows shot up and her eyes widened. “What?”

  “I can’t go back there. I don’t want to. Would you sell it for me?” Roxie had been the real estate agent who sold me the house in the first place. That’s how she met David. Well, met him again. Apparently they’d met each other years ago, but I didn’t want to know too much about that. It wasn’t a thing a sister wanted anything to do with.

  “Sure. What about the stuff in it?”

  “I want the pictures, but sell everything else. I don’t want the furniture. Hell, sell it furnished. I don’t care.”

  “Are you sure? This is a big decision. Don’t you think you should take some time?”

  “No. I don’t want it.”

  “Okay. I’ll draw up the paperwork and we can get that rolling, okay?”

  “Oh, I need some stuff to bake the cake for your baby shower, so I guess I do need the mixer. I don’t want to break in a new one.”

  “Of course. I’m sure David would love to help you.”

  I nodded, feeling a bit more settled. I wasn’t sure what I would do moving forward, but getting rid of the house was a good start.

  * * *

  Things moved quickly after that. The house sold. Roxie and David held a garage sale where most things sold. What didn’t sell, I donated. I kept important paperwork and my photographs. I didn’t want anything else. I didn’t want the furniture I’d cuddled Gia on. I didn’t want the dishes I fed her on. I didn’t want the bed she was conceived in. I didn’t want anything that Brock helped me purchase.

  I wanted to leave that life behind me, even the memories.

  If I couldn’t have Gia, what good was it to have the memories? They’d haunt me, chase me around and taunt me with the life I could never again have.

  I wiped at my eyes, flicking tears away.

  After David and Roxie sold my furniture and my house, I had a decent amount of money. I looked at the bank balance on my phone, wondering what to do with close to fifty-thousand dollars. I could put a good sized down payment on another house. I could leave, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay here. Roxie was due any day now and I wanted to be close to the baby. If I couldn’t have a baby of my own, I wanted to be around to spoil the hell out of my niece or nephew.

  Finding out about this baby had caused me an unbelievable amount of pain. I was wrecked when I found out Roxie was pregnant. I felt I was being attacked, not by Roxie, but by the idea of someone having a baby when I’d be barren for the rest of my life. Then I warmed up to the idea and I couldn’t wait to nuzzle the soft hairs on the baby’s head and breathe in that indescribable baby scent.

  Now? This baby was my saving grace. The only thing I looked forward to was the day I could finally hold and love on him or her. I loved getting to watch Roxie’s belly expand, knowing that the baby was safe and sound, protected by his or her mother’s body. I was lucky because Roxie let me rub her belly and feel the baby’s kicks. This baby was keeping me above water, holding together my broken pieces. I couldn’t leave, not when the birth was so soon.

  But what to do? I hadn’t been able to bring myself back to the garage. I could live on my savings for awhile, but not forever. And truthfully, I didn’t want to be idle. I needed something to occupy my time. All these hours sitting at David’s had begun to drive me nuts. It had been a few months. The savings I’d built up before were dwindling daily, though Roxie and David didn’t ask any money from me. I didn’t pay them rent or help with utilities. I didn’t even buy groceries that often. I was stalled, unsure what to do with myself.

  I shook my head and shut off my phone. I’d figure out what to do with my life later. I needed to bake. I’d gone to the store the day before to buy the ingredients I’d need, feeling the urge. I’d stopped taking orders because I couldn’t bear going into the kitchen. Memories of Roman popped up, assaulting me. Sometimes the scent of pine wafted past me and I’d close my eyes, remembering him and how he always ended up with flour everywhere. I remembered his strong arm, wrapping around my waist. The time he boxed me in as I slowly added flour to the mixer, running his nose up my neck until he peppered small kisses along my flesh. The ache in my heart grew in those moments.

  But today, I needed to try. My hands couldn’t stay still any longer; I needed to do something. I wanted to create. Whether the creation was cupcakes or cookies, it didn’t matter. I needed to see something being brought to fruition, not destroyed. I’d had enough destruction of life to last me the rest of mine.

  I went to work, moving through the motions as if on autopilot. I wanted dark chocolate cupcakes with a white chocolate icing. A peacefulness settled over me. I didn’t think about Gia or Roman or the baby I lost. My mind was blank, focusing o
n adding the right amount of chocolate and the right amount of sugar.

  For a few moments, my mind and heart were blessedly quiet.

  I slid the cupcake batter in the oven then started making the icing. My hands worked steadily, with a confidence I rarely felt.

  “Goddamn, you’re baking again,” Roxie declared, waddling into the kitchen. She threw her purse down on the counter.

  “Get your purse off the counter. There are so many germs on it,” I said, not taking my eyes off what I was doing.

  “And you’re feisty. Is today a good day?” I shrugged, not wanting to answer her. She moved her purse. She walked over to the bowl I used to make the cupcake batter on the edge of the sink, dipped her finger in, then tasted. “Hot fucking damn. That’s amazing.” I didn’t respond, focusing. If I let my attention waver off what I was doing, everything I was fighting to keep away would flood back. Roxie stole a fingerful of the almost done icing. She moaned. “I swear you were put on this planet to make sinfully good desserts. That’s what you should do, if you ask me. Open a bakery.”

  My hands stopped and my head jerked to look at her. “What?”

  “You should open a bakery. You have some cash. I could help you find a small shop that’s up for rent or purchase. You should do it.”

  My heart raced with the possibilities. Could I? Bakeries were a dime a dozen, but it was my dream. Well, my dream after being a mom. “Do you think I could?”

  Roxie shrugged. “Why not? You have the talent. You have some money. It wouldn’t be hard to do. David and I would be thrilled to help out. We just want you to be okay, to be happy. If baking makes you happy, make it your career.”

  “I should.”

  She nodded. “You should.”

  “Look for something that would be a good fit.”

  She grinned and waddled off, her hand resting on her belly. “On it, sister.”

  I went back to my icing, smiling. I’d do this. I’d do something with my life that wasn’t centered around loss.

  CHAPTER 27

  Mia

  “I LOVE IT,” I SAID, walking around the small space. It was perfect for a small bakery. It’d been a small diner before, just a handful of tables. It had the kitchen already and a few display cases out front. Some tweaks and some elbow grease and it could be my bakery. My dream come true. I could see it in my mind. My heart fluttered in my chest as emotions swelled inside me. “How much do they want a month?”

  “The landlord is flexible since the space has been vacant for so long,” Roxie said. She was sitting in a chair. She wasn’t supposed to be working anymore since her maternity leave had started, but she wanted to help me get started. She usually didn’t work with rentals either, but she didn’t want me to go it alone. “He wants eight hundred a month.”

  My eyes went over the space, envisioning an extra display case for baked goods. I’d put in a few tables and chairs for people to sit and enjoy them. I’d make sure we had a coffee machine. The kitchen needed a few tweaks to make it more suitable for a bakery, but the bones were here. Hell, it just needed a little muscle on top of the muscles already here. “I’ll take it.”

  “I thought you would. Let me get the paperwork started. I have a friend who does design and renovations for this type of place and I’ve already talked to her. She’s willing to work for you at a reduced rate. She wanted to work for free, but I told her you wouldn’t go for it.”

  I smiled at Roxie, loving that she knew me so well. “You’re too good to me.”

  “Remember that. When I finally push this baby out, I expect a lot of cupcakes and maybe some jewelry.” She grinned.

  “Of course. I’ll start shopping right away.”

  “Make sure it has some bling. I need to look fancy.”

  I laughed and helped Roxie up. We walked arm in arm out of what would soon be my bakery.

  * * *

  “Oh,” Roxie grunted. She paced back and forth, rubbing her lower back. “What kind of bullshit is this? Can’t they just give me the fucking epidural already? My body needs some fucking relief!”

  Roxie was in labor. The contractions started shortly after we left the shop, but she’d brushed them off as pregnancy gas cramps. Only when they picked up in intensity, did she finally admit she was in labor. She was still laboring at home because her contractions weren’t close enough together, though they were getting stronger. “Just a bit longer, Rox. You’re eight minutes apart.” She leaned over the couch and I applied pressure to her lower back. That seemed to help with the pain, though she was between contractions right now. She panted, trying to prepare herself for the next one.

  “Are you sure, Mia? She’s in pain. This has been going on for over twelve hours. Shouldn’t we go to the hospital?” David asked, pacing. He pulled at his hair, stress and anxiety on his face. We’d all gotten some sleep when the contractions weren’t too bad and were farther apart. It was now five in the morning and she wasn’t able to calm down.

  “You just talked to the on-call doctor. He said they had to be five minutes apart.”

  “This is ridiculous,” he fumed.

  “Stay calm, David.” Being a first-time mother in labor was scary enough without the baby’s father falling apart. “How are you doing, Rox?”

  “I just want this fucking baby out.” She moaned as another contraction ripped through her. She grabbed my hand, almost crushing the bones. I bit down on my lip to counteract the pain and keep from screaming out. “How long was that?” Roxie asked when the contraction passed. She panted and I dabbed at her forehead with a cloth.

  “Six minutes. Can we go now?” David asked, sounding more like a petulant child than a soon-to-be dad.

  “Close enough. They’ll get closer together as we drive, too.”

  Roxie sat in the backseat of the car with me so she could continue to abuse my hand through the contractions. The inside of my cheek was bleeding slightly from biting down on it when she dug her nails into my arm during a particularly bad one. The contractions were now closer to four minutes apart. This baby was coming and I was so excited. I couldn’t wait to meet him or her.

  “Drive fucking faster, you fuck!” Roxie yelled as a rough contraction ripped through her.

  “I’m driving!” David screamed back. I suppressed a laugh. They were both falling apart under pressure. Who knew? “We’re here!” David turned into the hospital too quickly and Roxie fell into me, cursing at him loudly. He pulled up to the emergency room and I helped Roxie out of the car.

  From there, it was a flurry of activity. They got her admitted to the labor floor pretty quickly and began assessing her. Roxie continued laboring, cursing at everyone who came into the room to get her the “fucking drugs, you idiot.” Before they could, the baby’s heart rate started dropping. They got her into an operating room for a C-section. David went back with her, leaving me in a waiting room.

  The entire time, I prayed. I didn’t often pray because my faith had been shaken so much in the last few years. But I needed this baby to be okay. Roxie and David needed this baby to be okay. We couldn’t survive this baby’s death as well.

  I couldn’t survive it. I didn’t want Roxie to have to suffer through the pain of losing a baby. Losing a child had to be one of the worst kinds of pain. I didn’t want to experience the other’s to be able to adequately compare.

  I just wanted Roxie and David’s baby to be okay, to be born healthy and fighting. With Roxie and David as parents, there was no way this would be a timid child.

  My mind raced as tears threatened to appear, but I wouldn’t let them. I grabbed a cup of shitty vending machine coffee and tried not to think about Gia when she was here, a few floors up. This was the hospital she was in before they moved her to the long-term care hospital. I tried to focus on the new life that would be taking it’s first breaths a few doors away.

  The baby had to be breathing.

  I sipped the coffee that burnt my top lip and fought back tears. Not from the burning coffee, but from th
e desperation I felt. I needed this baby to be okay.

  What felt like hours later, but was really just moments, David came walking out. He had the blue booties covering his shoes and a cap over his hair. His eyes were wide with wonder and his mouth slightly slack.

  “It’s a boy,” he said under his breath almost as if he didn’t believe it. “We have a little boy, Mia.” And he broke down, crying. I hugged him close, tears of my own falling. It was a miracle; this little boy was a pure miracle.

  “Congratulations, David. You’re a daddy.” My voice wobbled with emotions as tears wet my cheeks.

  His arms tightened around me. “He’s fine. Healthy. All ten toes and fingers, lungs that rival Steven Tyler’s.”

  “So he cried?” I asked, my voice shaky with emotion.

  “He wailed. He cried so loud I thought my eardrums would burst.”

  We stayed in the moment, crying and celebrating this glorious moment. This moment where we had a new life to love and rally around. There was also sorrow over who wasn’t here. She hung in the back of our minds, taking this joyous moment and staining it with sorrow.

  “Roxie and the baby will be in a room for you to visit soon, but I wanted to tell you. I wanted you to know that Roxie’s okay; she made it through fine. The baby did, too. They’re okay.” He looked into my eyes, the sorrow and joy mixing and changing the moment. I hated that the loss of Gia made him so sad. I hated that he couldn’t truly enjoy this moment when his son was born because of the loss.

  “Thank you. It means a lot that you thought about me.”

  “I didn’t want you to worry. I know . . . I know this hospital has dark memories, Mia, but now it has a bright one. The brightest one it could possibly have.”

  “Go back to your family, David. Enjoy this. I’ll be okay.” I smiled through my tears. He hugged me and went back to check on everyone.