Anxiety Girl: Meet Sadie Valentine...

by Lacey London

  ‘I love it.’ I gush, shaking my head from side to side. ‘I can’t believe I didn’t do it sooner. Thank you so much!’

  Aldo leans down and sweeps my fringe across my forehead. Using his fingers, he expertly flips it from one side to the next before settling on the left and nodding appreciatively.

  ‘You look good, Shirley…’ He pulls me into a hug and plants a kiss on the top of my head. ‘Really good.’

  Beaming back at him, I stare at myself in the mirror and enjoy the rush of adrenaline. I can’t believe how much volume I have now. How can cutting hair off possibly give you the illusion of having more? Too lost in my new reflection, I almost don’t hear the authoritative knocking at the door.

  ‘I’ll get it.’ Aldo sighs, giving my shoulder a squeeze as he steps over the pile of hair cuttings.

  Knocking a few stray strands of hair from my shoulders, I unclip the cape and place it back into Aldo’s work bag. I am about to sweep up the mess when I hear a commotion at the door and look up to see Piper, Ivy and Zara pushing their way inside.

  Piper lets out a horrified gasp as her eyes land on the aftermath of my haircut. ‘What have you done?’

  ‘Do you like it?’ I ask timidly, already sensing that she obviously does not.

  ‘It’s a little… Gone Girl.’ Zara remarks, picking up a strand of my hair and letting it fall back down. ‘You really must be losing it.’ Letting out a bloodcurdling laugh, she scowls as she realises I don’t find her joke funny. ‘Oh, lighten up! I’m kidding!’

  Humiliation hits me and I try to ignore it. Refusing to let panic back into my body, I grab a brush from behind the fridge and start to clear up the hair.

  ‘How was your therapy?’ Piper asks, shooting Zara a smirk. ‘Still cray-cray?’

  Cray-cray? Does she have any idea of the torment people with anxiety go through? Has she put an ounce of thought into the struggles they face on a daily basis?

  ‘Actually, I’m glad you brought that up.’ I pause with my brush on the pile of hair as my blood starts to boil. ‘If any of you had bothered to give me the time of day, you would have realised I’ve been having a pretty hard time lately. Whatever image you have conjured up in your minds, double it and you’re still not even close.’ My voice becomes thunderous as fury rushes through my veins. ‘Dealing with anxiety, depression and panic attacks has left me lower than any of you can imagine. I’ve felt empty, frightened and more alone than I ever thought possible. So, if that makes me cray-cray, Piper, then that is exactly what I am!’

  Three vacant faces stare blankly back at me and I suddenly have a surge of anger. I don’t know whether it’s the new hair or my chat with Ruby yesterday, but something inside me just snaps.

  ‘You know it isn’t contagious, don’t you?’ Folding my arms, I take a step towards Piper and she immediately recoils. ‘It’s not like having a cold or gastroenteritis. You can’t catch it from shaking hands or kissing. Do you even know anything about mental illness? Anxiety? Depression?’

  ‘Why are you being weird?’ Zara asks, giving me a cautious glance. ‘I think you need to see a doctor…’

  ‘Already done that.’ I fire back, resting my hands on my hips. ‘You know, hence the anxiety and depression diagnosis.’

  Just like the last time we bumped into one another, Ivy says nothing and plays with the collar of Spencer’s jacket nervously. Guilt washes over her face as she realises I’m staring at her.

  ‘Ivy, I know…’ Keeping my eyes fixed firmly on hers, I almost feel sorry for her as she looks back at me like a lost child. ‘I know and I honestly don’t care.’ I add, before she has the chance to interject. ‘I will say I’m surprised. If it had to be one of you, I would have put my money on Piper.’

  Piper starts to defend herself and I silence her by raising my hand.

  ‘Spencer will do the same to you as he did to me. The fact that he cheated with you should be the first indicator that he will cheat on you.’ I run my eyes over the jacket and then look down at my finger tattoo. ‘I’m sure you would love the chance to explain how and why it happened. To try and convince me that you can’t help who you fall in love with, but please believe me when I say, I really don’t care. All I care about right now is getting back to a healthy state of mind.’

  I take a step back and look at the other two, who are whispering to one another by the kitchen island. ‘Don’t worry, I’m very aware that support groups, counselling and alternative therapies aren’t really on your agenda, so I don’t expect you to stick around for the ride. Go back to your cocktails, manicures and meaningless conversations about men and money. Don’t let me keep you.’

  Stomping across the tiles, I throw open the door and signal for them to leave. ‘Go on, what are you waiting for?’

  Not bothering to dignify me with a response, they turn on their stilettoes and skulk out into the lobby, heads bowed and tails between their legs like a pack of guilty hyenas. Slamming the door shut behind them, I finally allow myself to breathe.

  ‘Did that just happen?’ I gasp, steadying myself on the wall as Aldo races across the room and plucks me up like a tiny child.

  ‘It certainly did, Shirley!’

  His eyes sparkle as he spins me around in the living room. ‘And let me tell you something, if you can beat those three as easily as that, you’ve got this anxiety business in the bag…’

  Chapter 24

  Smiling at the nail technician, I watch the tiny fish nibbling at my toes and wonder if they’re aware that I’m on the verge of a panic attack. With Aldo having a busy day at the salon, I agreed to come along for a pampering session. Despite the lingering sense of dread inside me, I’m desperately trying to look like I’m having a good time. At first I felt great, but as the hours slip by my mind keeps drifting back to the stack of letters that are stuffed at the bottom of my handbag.

  When the mail arrived this morning, I expected nothing more than a couple of pizza menus and perhaps the odd bank statement. I certainly did not expect a bunch of angry, red envelopes bearing demands for money. I must confess that I haven’t been keeping track of my financial affairs lately. If I really think about it, I haven’t so much as looked at my online banking in weeks, if not months. As far as I was concerned, the cheque from Precious was just sitting there. Surely the utility bills and household direct debits couldn’t have burned through that much money so quickly?

  I didn’t let Aldo see the debt letters. He pays an agreed fee straight into my account each month, for all he knows everything is above board and up to date.

  ‘Did you pick a colour?’ The nail technician asks, pointing to the rows of neatly stacked bottles on the counter and drying my feet with a towel.

  I scan the display and try to feel a connection with one of the pretty shades. Every colour of the rainbow winks back at me as I run my eyes over the impressive collection.

  ‘This one.’ I say decidedly, plucking a bottle from the shelf and silently remarking on how it matches the letters I received this morning.

  My heart skips a beat as I wonder how I am going to stay in the black without an income. I’ve not been in the right state of mind to think about money, but now that it’s been brought to my attention I can’t think about anything else.

  I catch a glimpse of Aldo and give him a quick wave. Wrestling with a head of brunette curls, he shoots me a concerned frown and I quickly fix my face into a smile. Tearing my eyes away, I nod approvingly at my red toenails and try to stop my ears from ringing. The worst thing about this anxiety is that it comes and goes like the wind. Just when I think I am turning a corner, it returns with a vengeance and gives me a blow to the stomach. One step forward and two steps back.

  ‘Not today, Ann.’ I whisper to myself, closing my eyes and silently counting to ten. ‘Not today…’

  ‘Who’s Ann?’ The nail technician giggles and reaches for a glossy top coat.

  ‘Oh, I was just talking to my anxiety…’ I stammer, laughing nervously. ‘Giving it a name help
s me to reason with it.’

  ‘That’s a great idea!’ She remarks, tossing her French braid over her shoulder. ‘I should do that with mine.’

  ‘Do you have anxiety too?’ My eyes widen as I wait for her to answer.

  ‘I do.’ She confirms, grabbing a bottle of cuticle oil. ‘Not majorly, but with health-related issues.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Taking a sip of the water she gave me earlier, I find myself starting to relax again.

  ‘For example, if I get a headache, I’ll convince myself I have a brain tumour.’ She rolls her eyes and organises the products she’s been using. ‘People think it’s funny, but I make myself physically sick. Just last month I had a bad dose of the flu and I was adamant I had some form of cancer. I was constantly visiting my doctor, demanding various tests to rule out anything sinister. My mum calls me a hypochondriac, but it’s more than that. I work myself up to the point I’m having panic attacks and don’t want to leave the house.’

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that. I have panic attacks too, so I know how awful they are…’ I offer her an understanding smile and wait for her to continue talking.

  ‘Looking back at my meltdowns, I actually laugh at myself for overreacting, but I know I will be exactly the same the next time I feel ill.’ She dips a cotton bud into the nail polish remover and tidies up my pedicure. ‘When I slip into that bubble, I can’t accept the previous occasions where I behaved so erratically.’

  ‘I can completely relate to that. Anxiety can have frightening effects on the body and mind.’ I purse my lips and watch her apply the finishing touches to my toes. ‘Have you ever tried counselling?’

  ‘I think I’m beyond counselling.’ Spraying a dry oil onto my nails, she pumps moisturiser into her hands and covers the tops of my feet. ‘Counselling is for people with real problems, isn’t it?’

  ‘Counselling can help all forms of anxiety. If it’s affecting your quality of life, you should address it.’ Reaching into my handbag, I produce a card from Anxiety Anonymous and pass it to her. ‘This is a local support group, they hold meetings just around the corner. Give it a try, I think it might surprise you.’

  Taking the card, she wipes her hands on a towel and slips it into her top pocket. ‘Thank you so much. The next time I have an episode, I might just pay them a visit…’

  I smile back at her as she excuses herself to see to another customer. Watching her talk animatedly to a tanned lady at the till, I find myself thinking about the many different forms anxiety can take. I’m shocked by how many triggers there are and just how many people are truly affected. My dealings with anxiety and depression are hopefully short-lived, but for some people it controls their every movement, their inner happiness and their life choices.

  I lean down to zip up my handbag and my fingers land on the letters I crammed in there earlier, resulting in my body immediately tensing up. Whilst I was listening to the nail technician talk, I didn’t think about my own anxiety once. Casting my mind back to my meeting with Ruby, I recall one of the many pieces of advice she gave me.

  Distraction is your secret weapon. If it’s not worth your time, keep it off your mind.

  Grabbing my phone, I bring up the forum to see if anyone else has commented on how effective this technique is. I am waiting for the page to load when the mobile rings in my hand. It’s my mother. Taking in the name on the screen, I try to work out how I feel. Happy that she has finally called? Annoyed that it has taken her so long? I hover over the accept button before deciding to hit reject. Her name disappears into blackness and I breathe a sigh of relief. Talking to her isn’t going to help me right now. I need to surround myself with people who lift me up, people who will be there when I need them and have my best interests at heart.

  Julia speaks a lot about the importance of detaching ourselves from the negative influences around us. After all, a sinking ship has more chance of staying afloat if you throw out the things that are weighing it down…

  Chapter 25

  Taking a seat at the circle, I scan the room and wonder if any of these people are on the forum. The many hours I’ve spent scouring the threads have resulted in me becoming acquainted with quite a few users. I know their thoughts and their deepest, darkest feelings, but I have no idea of their real names. It’s like I have seen their alter egos, the side of them no one else knows exist.

  The chairs slowly fill up and I notice Ruby making her way down the lobby. Raising my hand, I tap the seat beside me and move my chair over.

  ‘Your hair looks amazing!’ She beams, dropping down onto the chair and shaking off her coat. ‘You look so different! I almost didn’t recognise you!’

  ‘Thank you!’ I reply, fluffing up my hair and smiling.

  ‘What made you go for the chop?’ Twisting her own hair into a ponytail, she waves at a few other members of the group.

  ‘I don’t really know. I’ve always been quite protective of my hair, but I felt like the time was right to let it go. My best friend is a hairdresser and he’s been wanting to get his hands on it for years.’

  ‘That’s great!’ She grins back at me and smooths down her tartan dress. ‘I take it you’re feeling better then?’

  ‘I am. I had a little wobble yesterday, but the forum and the apps have really helped me.’ I lower my voice as Julia steps into the room. ‘How have you been?’

  ‘Did you have a wobble?’ Julia interjects before Ruby can answer and I feel the blood drain from my face. ‘Do you want to share your experience with the group?’

  The rest of the people in the room turn to stare at me and I suddenly feel incredibly light-headed. ‘It was nothing, really…’

  Julia ignores my dismissal and smiles broadly. ‘I don’t think we have been properly introduced. What’s your name?’

  I clear my throat and try to stop my cheeks from flushing violently. ‘It’s Sadie.’

  ‘And what caused your wobble, Sadie?’ Julia pushes her glasses into her hair and looks at me eagerly. ‘What’s your trigger?’

  Not wanting to look anyone in the eye, I fidget with the hem of my shirt. ‘I don’t think I have just one trigger. I’ve been feeling really low and having panic attacks on and off for a while now. I thought I was making progress, but yesterday I was confronted with a problem and I felt all the usual symptoms coming back to me…’

  ‘And what was this problem?’ Julia holds her hands in her lap and stares at me with an unreadable expression on her face. ‘It’s fine if you would rather not say, but I can assure you this is a safe space. Absolutely everything you say here is confined to these four walls.’

  Ruby twists a huge opal ring around her middle finger and motions for me to speak up.

  ‘It was a financial problem. I have let things go these past few months and I’ve got myself into a bit of a pickle.’ I dare to look up and find people nodding along.

  A man in a suit clears his throat and leans forward in his seat. ‘I can totally relate to that. Providing for my wife and three kids is what I live for. Just thinking about finances gives me anxiety. I think we can all agree that money is a common trigger.’

  The rest of the group mumble in agreement and I breathe a sigh of relief.

  ‘Have you always been a sufferer?’ He asks, taking a sip from his paper cup. ‘I noticed you at the last meeting too.’

  ‘Actually, this is all new to me. It started with a breakup. One thing led to another and I found myself at rock bottom, but I’m glad to say I’m starting to feel better. Hopefully I will be able to pull myself out of this hole as quickly as I fell into it.’

  ‘That is very possible, Sadie.’ Julia’s calming voice causes the rest of us to turn her way. ‘Matters of the mind are very subjective. Some people are affected for very short periods of their lives and others struggle for years on end. That is not to say the people who aren’t affected for prolonged periods of time are going through any less hardship than long-term sufferers.’ She pauses and fixes her gaze directly on me. ‘I have a t
heory that experiencing anxiety first-hand can help us to become stronger mentally. Just like the old saying, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.’

  I let her words sink in as another member of the group speaks up about her own experience.

  ‘Yesterday was the first day in an entire year that I braved the supermarket.’ A mature, blonde lady declares proudly. ‘For twelve months I just haven’t been able to face it. The people, the car park, the noises… Ordering online from the safety of my living room had become the norm for me, but yesterday I had this fresh surge of determination and told myself, today is the day I take my life back.’ A round of applause erupts as she blinks back tears.

  ‘That’s fantastic, Rhian!’ Julia beams brightly and hands her a box of tissues. ‘Good for you!’

  ‘I was just sat there in my dressing gown, adding carrots to my digital basket and I thought no! Enough is enough.’ Her eyes glass over as she speaks. ‘I can’t pretend I wasn’t afraid. I was shaking like a leaf as I made the short drive across town, but just knowing that I came face-to-face with anxiety and kicked its arse has given me so much confidence. If I can do it once, I can do it again.’

  ‘You can do it!’ Julia says encouragingly. ‘You can all do it. Just like Rhian, you are all stronger than you seem and smarter than you believe. If you aren’t quite there yet, don’t panic, don’t kick yourself and don’t compare your journey with that of others.’

  Just like the last time I was here, I feel a warmth wrap around me as I listen to Julia’s words of wisdom. Being here makes me feel close to the old me, it gives me hope that I can and I will beat this.

  ‘Like Sadie, don’t be discouraged if you seem to be on the path to wellness and hit a stumbling block. In life, things will always test our strengths and our weaknesses. Do not crumble if you feel those old symptoms coming back to haunt you. It’s completely normal to experience anxiety in certain situations.’ Julia’s voice sends me into a slightly hypnotic state as I soak up her words like a sponge.