Anxiety Girl: Meet Sadie Valentine...

by Lacey London

  ‘Money troubles, marital problems and family affairs are all examples of occasions where anxiety is totally normal. With the techniques you have learned in this group, you should be able to manage your anxiety before it spirals out of control and if you don’t succeed in reigning it in from time to time, that’s also okay. The one thing to remember with anxiety is, you will never know how strong you truly are until being strong is the only choice you have…’

  Chapter 26

  Following Julia down the hallway, I haul my handbag onto my shoulder and tap her on the back. ‘Do you have a moment?’

  She stops with her hand on the door and spins around. ‘Is everything okay, Sadie?’

  ‘Yes, everything’s fine…’ I lick my dry lips and step to the side to allow the other members of the group to leave. ‘I just wanted to thank you.’

  Julia zips up her coat and pulls a khaki scarf out of her handbag. ‘What on earth for?’

  ‘I can’t stress enough how much Anxiety Anonymous has helped me over the past few weeks. I don’t know what I would have done if I wouldn’t have found your group.’

  ‘Well, I’m delighted you have found the support here beneficial, but there’s absolutely no need to thank me. Helping people through the hard times is exactly what I’m paid to do. It’s my job.’ Julia pulls open the door to the street and I blink repeatedly for my eyes to adjust to the sunlight. ‘What do you do for work, Sadie?’

  ‘I’m an artist or at least I was an artist…’

  ‘An artist!’ She repeats, falling into step next to me. ‘What kind of art?’

  ‘I do paintings, mainly abstract. Precious used to display my pieces, but they can no longer accommodate me…’

  ‘That’s a shame. I’m sorry to hear that.’ Julia swaps her glasses for shades as we weave through the crowds of people. ‘What will you do now?’

  I shrug my shoulders and exhale loudly. ‘To be completely honest, I don’t have a clue. I’ll always paint, even if it’s just for a hobby, but I think it’s time to find a job with a steady income. I mean, I’m not getting any younger.’

  Julia nods and seems deep in thought as we cross the street. ‘What qualifications do you have?’

  ‘I have a Sociology degree, not that I’ve ever used it. I’m ashamed to admit I fooled around through university, but even after years of tequila shots and wild nights out, I managed to scrape a 2:1. Miraculous, I know…’ I give her a sideways glance and I’m relieved to see she is smiling.

  ‘I haven’t really put much thought into what I will do next, although from a financial stand point I need to work it out pretty quickly. Coming to the meetings has made me think about choosing a career in helping other people, like you do. Although I probably wouldn’t be any good at it and I am guessing that you need a ton of qualifications…’

  ‘Not necessarily and a Sociology degree is a fantastic place to start.’ Julia’s earrings jangle together as we head towards the car park.

  ‘Have you always been a counsellor?’ I ask, as she digs a set of keys out of her pocket and unlocks a red estate car.

  Opening the boot, she tosses in her belongings and bites her lip as she thinks. ‘This is my tenth year, but before that I worked in banking.’

  ‘Wow!’ I exclaim. ‘That’s a big change.’

  ‘It is.’ She agrees, taking off her coat and folding it neatly. ‘I got into the world of banking at a very young age. I committed my entire life to it. I gave up the chance of a husband, children and a family to call my own, all for the money. I had been in the job for twenty years when my mother died suddenly and I was left completely alone. It was a huge wake-up call for me. I went through a very dark time, just like all of you at the meetings. When I finally pulled myself together, I decided to spend whatever time I had left on this planet helping others to overcome the same things I went through.’

  I feel frozen to the spot, completely in shock to learn someone as calm and collected as Julia could have been a sufferer as well.

  ‘The second I sent off the application I just knew it was the right decision for me. There’s absolutely no better feeling than helping others.’ Julia’s eyes twinkle as she speaks, her passion for her job beaming out of her. ‘It’s like Christmas morning every single day. Watching people open the gift of wellness is something that money just can’t buy. Although it’s not all cupcakes and rainbows, in this role you have to share parts of yourself that you would normally keep sacred. I think the one question you have to ask yourself when becoming a counsellor is, are you willing to make that sacrifice?’

  My mind goes into overdrive as I ask myself that same question. Could I really open myself up like that? Let’s face it, not talking about my feelings is how I ended up here in the first place.

  Jumping into the driver’s seat, Julia buckles her seatbelt and starts up the engine. ‘It’s been lovely talking to you, Sadie. I’ll see you at the next meeting.’

  ‘Most definitely.’ I give her a wave and step back as she puts the car into gear.

  Watching her drive away, I slowly make my way over to my own car and replay our conversation in my mind. I can’t believe Julia was a banker, I really can’t. I try to envisage her in a slick suit, barking orders into a headset whilst she looks at the FTSE 100. She’s just so calming, so timid and gentile. It’s almost laughable.

  ‘Sadie?’ A voice pops my thought bubble and I look around to see Patrick striding towards me.

  ‘Wow! I am loving this new look!’ Juggling a tray of coffee cups, he holds out his cheek for an air kiss. ‘You look fabulous!’

  ‘Thank you!’ I automatically touch my hair and smile back at him. ‘I guess I fancied a change…’

  ‘Well, it certainly gets the thumbs up from me.’ Resting the tray of drinks on the bonnet of my car, he holds me at arm’s length and gives me a quick once-over. ‘Marvellous! I’m so pleased you’re feeling better. I really, really am!’

  ‘Thank you.’ I look down at the ground awkwardly and decide to change the subject. ‘How are things with Precious? Is the refurbishment coming along well?’

  Patrick rolls his eyes and groans dramatically. ‘I hate to say it, but it has been an absolute nightmare. Kieran and I have very different ideas on interior design. It’s been a testing time to say the least.’

  Knowing very well just how much hard work Kieran can be, I give him a sympathetic smile and kick up a pile of leaves.

  ‘Have you found a new venue for your work?’ He asks, discreetly stealing a glance at his watch.

  My heart skips a beat as I recall my conversation with Julia. ‘Actually, I am thinking of a change in career…’

  ‘A change in career?’ Patrick cries in disbelief. ‘You were born to be an artist! This isn’t because of Precious, is it?’

  ‘Oh, no!’ I shake my head vehemently. ‘It’s not that. I just feel like I need to take my life in a different direction.’

  Patrick studies my face for a moment before breaking into a smile. ‘Well, good for you, Sadie. I’m sure you’re making the right decision. After all, who knows what’s better for you, than you?’

  ‘Exactly!’ I twirl my keys around my finger and press the key fob.

  Taking this as his cue to leave, Patrick pulls me into a hug before picking up his coffees. ‘I better let you go. I’m so glad our paths crossed. Don’t be a stranger, okay?’

  Nodding in response, I promise to call him and dive into the car. The radio automatically springs into action as I turn over the engine and set off back home. For the ten minutes it takes me to arrive back at the apartment and jump into the lift, I try and fail to imagine myself in a different role. Art is the only thing I’ve ever been any good at. Well, that and drinking champagne, but I don’t think that is going to get me a well-paid job any time soon.

  Letting myself in, I grin happily as I spot Aldo and Edward’s matching brogues sitting neatly on the shoe rack.

  ‘How was the meeting?’ Aldo yells from the living room.

&nbs
p; Kicking off my ankle boots, I wander through the kitchen and find him sprawled out on the couch. ‘It was great! Where’s Edward?’

  Aldo points to the bathroom and offers me his bag of crisps. Despite my attempts to stay positive, I haven’t had the best appetite lately and I look at the packet sceptically. Remembering Ruby’s words, I stick two fingers up to Ann and dive into the bag.

  Reaching into his pocket, Aldo holds up a key and drops it onto the coffee table. ‘That’s the spare key to your mum’s house. I sent someone over to fix the bathroom door.’

  Shame washes over me as the memories of that night come racing back to me like a bad dream.

  ‘You didn’t have to do that…’ I whisper, silently praying that Edward can’t overhear our conversation. ‘But thank you.’

  ‘It was nothing.’ Aldo dismisses my appreciation and rolls onto his side. ‘Whilst we are on the subject, have you heard from your mum?’

  ‘Yes and no.’ I reply, ignoring the dread I feel at the mention of my mother. ‘She called the other day, but I didn’t answer. I’m need to fix myself before I try and fix our relationship.’

  Aldo nods in agreement and finishes off the crisps. ‘You’re doing so well. The difference in you after just a few weeks is incredible. I’m so proud of you, Shirley.’

  I choose not to say anything for fear of getting emotional as Edward walks out of the bathroom.

  ‘Look at you!’ He beams, jumping onto the couch next to me. ‘You’re like a whole new woman!’

  ‘Do you like it?’ I ask, secretly loving all these compliments on my new hairdo.

  ‘I love it! I can’t believe this is the first time I’m seeing it!’ Edward gushes, looking at his own hair in the mirror. ‘Maybe I could do with a makeover? Do you think you could make me look as good as Sadie?’

  ‘I’m good, but I’m not that good…’ Aldo teases, causing Edward to throw himself at him playfully.

  Watching the two of them laugh and giggle as they bat one another with cushions, I try to remember the last time I saw Aldo so happy. Joy shines out of him as he pleads with Edward to stop tickling him. What would I have done without my dear friend? Aldo Cristiano Taylor, my guardian angel. He saved my life. Without Aldo, I wouldn’t be sat here right now. Suddenly knowing what I need to do, I take a deep breath and clear my throat to gain their attention.

  Immediately falling into silence, the pair of them stop what they’re doing and sit up straight.

  ‘I want you to move in with Edward.’ I say decidedly, fixing my gaze on Aldo. ‘You have been a rock to me through his terrible time and I will never be able to thank you enough.’ My bottom lip starts to tremble, and this time I am powerless to stop it. ‘You held me when I cried, picked me up when I fell and refused to give up on me when everyone else did.’ I look away as I realise he has tears in his eyes. ‘I owe you more than words can say, but now is the time for you to move on. You have done more for me than any friend ever should, but now I need to let you go. I’m not out of the woods just yet, but I need to figure out this last part of my journey alone…’

  The three of us sit in an emotional silence before Aldo finally relents.

  ‘I love you.’ He mouths, roughly wiping his eyes as he struggles to compose himself.

  ‘I love you too…’ Not taking my eyes off his, I exhale sharply and try not to erupt into floods of tears.

  ‘And I love both of you guys!’ Edward sniffles, reaching out and pulling me onto his lap.

  Throwing my arms around the pair of them, I squeeze tightly and plant a kiss on each of their foreheads. I may have a mother who is more interested in Pina Coladas, an empty bank account and absolutely no idea what’s going to happen next in my life, but I do have an incredible best friend and with good friends by your side, you can get through just about anything…

  Chapter 27

  Howling in hysterics, I clutch my sides and try to stop my stomach from throbbing. I can’t remember the last time I had this much fun. My cheeks are aching from giggling and my belly feels like I’ve done a hard-core workout. Struggling to regain my composure, I gasp for breath and lean against a tree trunk.

  ‘Stop!’ I beg. ‘I can’t take it anymore…’ I try to keep my voice stern, but Ruby carries on regardless.

  ‘Then it started to roll towards the swimming pool!’ Her faces creases with laughter as she recalls her most embarrassing moment. ‘I could have died!’

  Not being able to look at her, I turn to face the tree as Ruby giggles with humiliation. I needed this, even more so than the meetings. Laughter is something that has been missing from my life for so long. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to let yourself go like this.

  ‘Your turn!’ Ruby stops on a bench to tie her shoelaces and pulls a bottle of water out of her backpack. ‘What’s your most embarrassing moment?’

  Shaking my head in response, I stretch out my hamstrings and continue on our walk. ‘If I told you, I would have to kill you.’

  ‘Oh, come on!’ She begs, jumping to her feet and running after me. ‘I told you mine!’

  ‘Let’s just say it involved gin, Waitrose and Aldo…’ My toes curl as I remember that mortifying day.

  Ruby chuckles as she tries to fathom what chaos could have possibly ensued in the aisles of our local supermarket.

  Giving her a playful nudge as we make our way through the bare trees, I pause to take a picture of the clear sky. ‘I told you all you needed was some fresh air…’

  ‘You were right.’ She agrees, jumping over a muddy puddle. ‘We lost Frank a while back.’

  Feeling rather pleased with myself that I’ve succeeded in my mission, I give myself a mental pat on the back and march on ahead. When I was scouring through the Anxiety Anonymous forum this morning, I was saddened to see Ruby had posted numerous messages about a series of panic attacks. Reading her pleas for advice really struck a chord with me and I decided to take the plunge and invite her to meet up.

  ‘Here we are…’ We come to a stop by the huge rock and I point to the view below. ‘Isn’t it beautiful?’

  Ruby drops her backpack and shields her eyes from the sun. ‘Wow! I can’t believe I’ve never been up here before!’

  Clambering to the very tip of the rock, she pulls her phone out of her jacket and crouches down to take some photos. Luckily, the sun broke through the clouds a few minutes ago and is casting the incredible view of Cheshire in an illuminating light. I tip back my head and breathe deeply, trying to commit this feeling to memory.

  Ruby rambles about how stunning the view is and I nod along, feeling guilty about the last time I was up here. I just couldn’t appreciate it. I couldn’t bring myself to appreciate anything. I was so empty, so void of any emotion that wasn’t negative. I’ve come so very far in such a short space of time. Now I see hope. I see possibilities. I see a whole world out there that is just waiting for me to reach out and take it.

  I sneak a peek at Ruby and remark at how strong she is to have carried Frank with her for so long. At first I thought I was so unlucky to have been struck with anxiety, but now I’m thanking my lucky stars that my dealings with Ann seem to be short-lived. I’m one of the few who are fortunate enough to have kicked it to the curb before things got really nasty.

  ‘I can see why you love this place.’ Ruby beams, finally putting her phone away and sitting cross-legged on the rock. ‘It’s breath-taking.’

  ‘I knew you would like it.’ I drop down next to her and sigh. ‘This is where I come when I want to escape reality for a little while. It’s always been special to me, maybe it can be your special place, too?’ Ruby looks out over the impressive landscape and nods. ‘Whenever you feel like things are getting too much, or Frank decides to pay you a visit, just pop on your trainers and bring yourself up here.’

  ‘Does coming here stop your anxiety every time?’ Offering me her water bottle, she pulls a towel from her backpack and wipes her forehead.

  ‘Not all the time, but just because I could
n’t see the woods for the trees, doesn’t mean that you won’t.’ I spot a smear of mud on my hand and use Ruby’s towel to clean it off.

  ‘Is that a tattoo?’ Squinting closely, she cocks her head to one side to read the text. ‘Forever. What does it mean?’

  I look down at my finger and find myself smiling. ‘It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a tattoo. Nothing more, nothing less.’

  For the first time, I can answer that question and be truthful with my response. It genuinely doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. I don’t feel sad when I look at it. I don’t have a rush of emotion when I think about the day it was etched onto my skin. I just see it for what it is, a beautiful inking.

  ‘I’ve always wanted a tattoo.’ Ruby muses, dangling her legs over the edge of the rock. ‘My parents would go crazy though. They tell me that everyone with a tattoo regrets it eventually.’ She rolls her eyes and tosses a pebble down the hill. ‘Do you regret yours?’

  ‘No.’ I say decidedly. ‘I went through a period where I did, but not anymore. If these past couple of months have taught me anything, it’s that life’s too short for regrets. We can’t change the past, so we have to accept that at one time, things like tattoos were exactly what we wanted.’

  Ruby takes my hand and inspects the tattoo more closely. ‘I wish my parents were as cool as you.’

  ‘I’m not cool.’ I scoff, wrapping my arms around my knees. ‘I had a nervous breakdown because of a failed relationship. I’m a loser…’

  ‘That’s not true. You went through a bad time and pulled yourself out of it. You rock.’

  I feel my cheeks flush at her complimentary opinion of me. ‘Thank you…’

  ‘I should be the one thanking you. Today has been great. I feel so much better now.’ She pushes herself up and offers me her hand. ‘We should make this a regular thing, you know, like a buddy system. When Frank shows up, you call me and vice versa.’