Anxiety Girl: Meet Sadie Valentine...

by Lacey London

  I let her words sink in and take my mind back to the anti-anxiety apps that helped me so much.

  ‘The one thing that helped me the most was to educate myself on what exactly panic attacks are.’ I pause to collect my thoughts, praying the information I am telling her is correct. ‘As scary and overwhelming as the physical effects of anxiety can feel, they are caused by nothing more than the overproduction of adrenaline. When we deem a situation to be potentially dangerous, whether that be a burning building or an overdue bill you just can’t afford, our brains instruct the release of adrenaline. Adrenaline is an important part of our defence system as it warns us of dangers, but when we have too much adrenaline racing through our bodies it causes the unpleasant symptoms you are describing.’

  I turn my attention to the rest of the group and feel myself relax into the role. ‘When I had my first panic attack, I genuinely thought I was going to die. I had never experienced anything quite like it. Since I have accepted anxiety can’t do me any harm, they have become much easier to manage. If you learn to recognize the very first signs of anxiety, you can use various techniques to stop it in its tracks…’

  A man in a camouflage jacket raises his hand and coughs. ‘Which techniques have you found to be the most effective?’

  ‘The brain can be a very powerful thing and learning to control the way I react to situations is something that I am still battling, but simple methods such as controlled breathing and calming audio apps have proved extremely successful with me.’ I cross my legs and point to Ruby. ‘Ruby taught me a saying that I chant over and over in my mind whenever anxiety strikes…’

  ‘This too shall pass?’ Ruby finishes for me, smiling proudly.

  ‘Yes!’ I nod and smile back at her. ‘I find myself repeating those four little words whenever I feel anything I don’t like. Constantly reminding myself that everything is temporary enables me to see things a little more clearly. I say those words to remind myself that I can and will get through it.’

  ‘I guess I can relate to that…’ The man in camouflage leans forward in his seat and appears deep in thought. ‘You mean like, it’s just a bad day and not a bad life?’

  ‘Exactly!’ Ruby exclaims enthusiastically. ‘I can be in the middle of a complete meltdown, but if I take a step back and look at what I’ve already come through, I know I can get past it.’

  I wait for the other members in the room to stop talking before I continue.

  ‘We are all so much stronger than we allow ourselves to believe. Regardless of what life has thrown our way, we are all still sat here today. Yes, we might have a few battle scars, but what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.’ I move my eyes from one person to the next, taking in every feature on their faces. ‘I know that compared to what most of you are going through, my short battle with anxiety pales into insignificance, but if my experience can help just one of you even a little bit, it will make the whole experience completely worth it…’

  Chapter 29

  ‘That was incredible!’ Ruby squeals, waiting for the final person to leave before throwing herself at me. ‘You were born to do this!’

  ‘I wouldn’t go that far…’ Dismissing her praise, I tug on my coat and stack the last of the chairs neatly with the others.

  ‘I’m being serious!’ Ruby trails behind me excitedly as we make our way outside. ‘Did you hear all the compliments they were giving you? How do you feel?’

  ‘I feel great!’ We step out onto the street and I pull up my hood to shield my hair from the rain. ‘It’s so liberating to help people, not that I think I was any good at it…’

  ‘Don’t put yourself down like that!’ Ruby hits me on the arm and frowns. ‘We all thought you were fabulous! Even Alec gave you the thumbs up!’

  Feeling uncomfortable with her praise, I decide to change the subject. ‘Anyway, what are your plans for the rest of the day?’

  ‘Nothing much…’ She tries and fails to put up her umbrella before diving under a shop canopy for shelter. ‘Do you want to get some lunch somewhere? We could grab a pizza?’

  My mind flits back to my meeting with the estate agent and I automatically reach into my pocket for his card. ‘Thanks for the offer, but I should probably head straight home. I have a few things I need to deal with.’

  A look of panic flashes across Ruby’s face before she quickly covers it with a smile. ‘Nothing to do with Ann, I hope?’

  I shake my head and turn to look in a shop window. ‘No, Ann hasn’t paid me a visit in a little while, thankfully.’

  Ruby reluctantly accepts this and shrugs her shoulders. ‘Fine, if I can’t tempt you with lunch then I better leave you to get on your way. See you at the next meeting?’

  ‘Definitely…’ After saying our goodbyes, I brace myself for a walk home in the rain as Ruby heads off in the opposite direction.

  She gets to the end of the road before stopping in her tracks and turning to face me. ‘You are good at this, Sadie. Just remember that…’

  A smile plays on my lips as I give her a nod before starting the return journey to the apartment. Julia was totally right. Nothing feels as good as helping other people. Just knowing you’ve aided someone through a dark period gives you such a rush. No wonder she loves her job so much.

  Picking up my pace as the rain becomes heavier, I notice a for sale sign outside the cute cottages to my right. Shielding my eyes from the driving rain, I give them a closer look and try to imagine myself living there. With quaint thatched roofs and pretty chocolate-box gardens, they seem perfect for a single person like me. I picture myself cooking healthy meals, planting bulbs in the flower beds and decorating the place in the shabby chic design that I secretly adore.

  I’m still creating this make-believe life for myself when I come to a stop at the gates to my apartment. Noticing a red car parked on the opposite side of the street, I squint at the windscreen as it follows me inside. Dashing into the building for shelter, I spin around as I hear my name being called from the car park. Trying to pinpoint the location of the voice, I let out a shocked gasp as I see Julia clambering out of the car.

  ‘Julia!’ I beckon her inside and take off my wet jacket. ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘I wanted to talk to you.’ Holding her handbag above her head, she sprints up the steps two at a time. ‘I really hope you don’t mind me just showing up at your home?’

  ‘Not at all.’ I reply in confusion, tucking my damp hair behind my ears. ‘How did you know where I lived?’

  Julia looks down at the ground guiltily and twirls a bracelet around her wrist. ‘I must confess that I had a little help from Ruby. Don’t worry, I don’t make a habit of turning up at member’s homes!’

  We both laugh and I bite my lip nervously. ‘Why weren’t you at the meeting?’

  ‘That’s a very good question.’ She replies, smoothing down her blouse. ‘I don’t suppose you have time for a coffee, do you?’

  ‘Coffee sounds great…’ Motioning to the stairs, my stomach churns as I try to think of something to say.

  ‘This is a beautiful building.’ She remarks, hitching up her dress and following me up the staircase. ‘It really is stunning.’

  I turn to look out of the giant windows and nod in agreement. ‘I know. I’m going to miss it.’

  ‘You’re moving?’ Stopping to take in her surroundings, Julia shakes her head in disbelief. ‘Why on earth would you leave a place like this?’

  Digging around in my pockets for my keys, I unlock the door and lead the way inside. ‘I can no longer afford the maintenance of it.’ I answer honestly. ‘Plus, the capital from the sale will give me a good cushion to sit on until I figure out what to do next.’

  Julia seems deep in thought for a moment before clearing her throat. ‘Well, that actually leads me on nicely to why I am here.’

  I look at her expectantly, but bizarrely she doesn’t say a word until I place a steaming cup of coffee in front of her. Sliding onto a stool at the opposite end of
the kitchen island, I blow into my mug and wait for her to speak.

  ‘We had a conversation a while ago about counselling and I saw something in you that played on my mind all evening. Your desire to help people is a quality so many of us lack.’ Julia studies my face for a moment before carrying on. ‘I intentionally didn’t attend the meeting today…’

  I shoot her a questioning look and wait for her to elaborate. Clearly choosing her words carefully, Julia rubs her hands together and exhales slowly.

  ‘I’ve been offered a promotion…’

  ‘A promotion?’ I repeat, inadvertently cutting her off mid-sentence. ‘That’s fantastic!’

  ‘It is fantastic, but it does mean that my position at the Wilmslow branch is going to be vacant.’ She props her elbows on the table and purses her lips. ‘Now, tell me if I am way off the mark here, but I think you would be a great candidate for the role.’

  Me? I open my mouth to speak before closing it again, completely lost for words.

  ‘Being a counsellor isn’t an easy career choice. It can be tiring, emotionally draining and bloody hard work, but it’s also one of the most rewarding things that you can do with your life…’ She pauses to gauge my reaction and sighs. ‘I knew you would step up to the plate today. I was in the assessment office the whole time. You were amazing, just as I thought you would be.’

  My heart pounds in my chest as I try to process what exactly she’s saying. Did she… did she set me up?

  ‘The charity want someone with flair, someone who understands what these people are going through and you simply cannot do that if you haven’t experienced it for yourself. I’d like to clarify that the money isn’t fabulous and it certainly wouldn’t pay for a place like this. You would also have to travel to Hale, Knutsford and Prestbury. I am assuming you have your own transportation?’

  Feeling completely thrown, I manage a nod as my mind goes into overdrive.

  ‘You would need to go on some courses and you would be in unpaid training for the first couple of weeks, but I feel like this position was made for you, Sadie. I really do.’

  Trying to think clearly, I hold my head in my hands as her words ring around my mind. This position was made for you. How have I ended up here? This is just so surreal. I feel a million miles away from the girl that I once was. I feel like I am walking in someone else’s shoes, living some else’s life. The question is, is this the life I want to live?

  ‘I understand this must be a lot to take in, but the charity is eager to secure a candidate for the role as soon as possible.’ Julia leans over the table and places her tanned hand on my arm. ‘The last thing I want to do is pressure you into taking the role, but my gut is telling me this is the right thing for you.’

  I turn to look out of the window as I try to clear my mind and really think about what is being offered here. The trees in the distance stand perfectly still, giving the illusion they’re holding their breath as they wait for me to answer. Closing my eyes, I take myself back to the Anxiety Anonymous meeting and remember how amazing it felt to be sat in that seat, to offer a helping hand to those in need and to guide them on their journey back to wellness.

  Maybe this is who I am. Maybe I was destined to meet Spencer and go through all of this to lead me to where I am right now. To be sat on this stool, to be offered this role and to be given the opportunity to use my life to help others.

  I open my eyes to see a sudden gust of wind cause the trees to shake violently, seemingly telling me what I need to do. A smile plays on my lips as I cast a final look around the apartment before fixing my gaze on Julia.

  ‘So, Sadie, what do you say?’

  Epilogue

  Looking around the room, I smile at the many faces staring back at me.

  Some relieved they’re not alone in their struggle, some saddened by my experience and others just ready to share their own stories.

  ‘So, that’s everything. The good, the bad and the downright ugly.’ My skin prickles as I cross my legs and adjust the stack of paperwork on my lap. ‘Being a counsellor, you may think that sharing my own story with mental health comes naturally to me, but I can assure you it doesn’t. Revisiting that time in my life brings up emotions I would much rather forget and I am sure you will feel the same about sharing your own thoughts and feelings.’

  A few of the attendees fidget uneasily in their seats and I flash them what I hope is a reassuring smile.

  ‘As uncomfortable as it makes you feel, when it comes to your mental health, talking is your medicine. It’s the number one thing you should be doing. Whenever you are frightened, scared or afraid, speak up. Say it loud and say it proud. Never suffer in silence, never keep it bottled up and never feel like you are alone.’

  I run my thumb along my finger tattoo as I talk, making sure to lock eyes with each and every person.

  ‘My aim in these meetings is to make talking a normal part of your daily routine. I want you to see these meetings as your place. I want you to step into this room safe in the knowledge that you can say anything at all and not be judged. You might not feel ready to speak up just yet and that’s completely fine. Just choosing to join us today is a huge step on your path back to wellness.’

  Ruby beams proudly at me from the far end of the circle and I smile back at her.

  ‘My own journey with anxiety and depression has led me to where I am today. It has moulded the person that I am and completely changed the direction my life was going in. Without the support of Anxiety Anonymous, I think the outcome would have been very different indeed…’

  Hearing the door squeak open, I look over my shoulder to see Julia slipping into the room. Flashing me the thumbs up sign, she takes a seat amongst the others.

  ‘This charity has been at the forefront of my success in overcoming anxiety and now I want to help all of you to beat it, too. It’s time to stop sweeping matters of the mind under the carpet and hoping they’ll disappear. It’s time to end the stigma around asking for help. It’s time to talk…’

  To be continued…

  If you are struggling with anxiety, help is available to you.

  Mind Infoline

  0300 123 3393

  Anxiety UK Infoline

  08444 775 774

  Anxiety United

  www.anxietyunited.com

  Follow Lacey London on Twitter

  @thelaceylondon

  Other books by Lacey London

  The Clara Andrews Series

  Meet Clara Andrews

  Clara Meets the Parents

  Meet Clara Morgan

  Clara at Christmas

  Meet Baby Morgan

  Clara in the Caribbean

  Clara in America

  Clara in the Middle

  Clara’s Last Christmas

  The Clara series is exclusive to Amazon.

  Meet Clara Andrews

  Book 1

  Meet Clara Andrews... Your new best friend!

  With a love of cocktails and wine, a fantastic job in the fashion industry and the world’s greatest best friends, Clara Andrews thought she had it all.

  That is until a chance meeting introduces her to Oliver, a devastatingly handsome American designer. Trying to keep the focus on her work, Clara finds her heart stolen by Michelin starred restaurants and luxury hotels.

  As things get flirty, Clara reminds herself that inter-office relationships are against the rules, so when a sudden recollection of a work’s night out leads her to a cheeky, charming and downright gorgeous barman, she decides to see where it goes.

  Clara soon finds out that dating two men isn't as easy as it seems...

  Will she be able to play the field without getting played herself?

  Join Clara as she finds herself landing in and out of trouble, re-affirming friendships, discovering truths and uncovering secrets.

  Clara Meets the Parents

  Book 2

  Almost a year has passed since Clara found love in the arms of delectable American Oliver Mor
gan and things are starting to heat up.

  The nights of tequila shots and bodycon dresses are now a distant memory, but a content Clara couldn't be happier about it.

  It’s not just Clara things have changed for. Marc is settling in to his new role as Baby Daddy and Lianna is lost in the arms of the hunky Dan once again.

  When Oliver declares it time to meet the Texan in-laws, Clara is ecstatic and even more so when she discovers that the introduction will take place on the sandy beaches of Mexico!

  Will Clara be able to win over Oliver’s audacious mother?

  What secrets will unfold when she finds an ally in the beautiful and captivating Erica?

  Clara is going to need a little more than sun, sand and margaritas to get through this one...

  Meet Clara Morgan

  Book 3

  When Clara, Lianna and Gina all find themselves engaged at the same time, it soon becomes clear that things are going to get a little crazy.

  With Lianna and Gina busy planning their own impending nuptials, it’s not long before Oliver enlists the help of Janie, his feisty Texan mother, to help Clara plan the wedding of her dreams.