Anxiety Girl: Meet Sadie Valentine...
Page 16
I open my mouth to reply, but Ruby continues to babble.
‘I don’t mean all the time, obviously. I won’t bother you in the middle of the night or anything.’ Her face falls and she laughs nervously. ‘Sorry, forget I said anything. You’ve probably got better things to be doing than dealing with my problems…’
I remember my conversation with Julia regarding helping others through the hard times and break into a smile. ‘I think a buddy system sounds like a fabulous idea…’
‘Really?’ Ruby repeats cynically, stopping in her tracks.
‘Really!’ I confirm, linking my arm through hers. ‘Removing Frank from your life is paramount and together we double our chances of beating him. Together we are stronger.’ She gives me a thankful look and I respond with a wink. ‘Just think, when I is replaced with we, even illness becomes wellness…’
* * *
Hitting submit, I double-check the listing and add the shoes to the overflowing pile on my left. A sense of accomplishment buzzes inside me as I scan the room for anything else that I no longer need. In a rather bold move, I decided that today would be the day I tackled my financial situation head-on. After a few rather uncomfortable phone calls to various banks and utility providers, I arranged a series of payment plans to get myself back on track. Without an income, I don’t have any means of paying them, but in the meantime, I decided to have a clear out and try to generate some cash.
From expensive dresses to heaps of jewellery and a stack of signed records, everything I haven’t used in the past year has been listed for sale online. I didn’t intend on getting so carried away, but the more I looked for things, the more things I found and two hours later my bedroom is looking rather bare.
My phone pings on the dressing table and I’m delighted to discover more bids on my listings. Each time I hear that beep, I can literally see my debts reducing as people bid on my unwanted items. I wander over to my wardrobe and run my fingers over the remaining garments. Half a dozen pairs of jeans, a handful of jumpers and a selection of plain t-shirts now hang in the open space. Why did I ever think I needed those materialistic things? The shoes that made my feet rub, the dresses that pinched under the arms and the jewellery that was so eye-wateringly expensive I didn’t dare wear. I picture them moving on to new beginnings, to new lives where they will be treasured and adored. Just like me, they will start a new chapter and leave this one behind.
I look at the mountain of clothes I didn’t deem fit for sale and an idea suddenly hits me. Wandering into the kitchen, I rummage through the drawers for some bin liners and tear off a few bags. Grabbing handfuls of clothes, I fill three bags and head off in search of my car keys. With Aldo back at Edward’s place, the apartment is back to being super quiet. Only this time it doesn’t feel empty and intimidating. It feels open and peaceful in a way that it never has before.
When I waved goodbye to him, I was slightly concerned the panic attacks would return, but almost unbelievably I slept straight through the night. Not once did I stare up at the ceiling with my stomach churning. The moment my head hit the pillow my eyes naturally closed. The only thing causing my stomach to flutter was excitement of what my future will hold. Que sera sera, that is what I told myself as l drifted off and it’s what I will keep telling myself every single day.
Light speckles shower down on me as I load up the car and set off on the short journey. I would normally walk, but the three bags I have in the boot weigh more than I do. The windscreen wipers go into overdrive as the rain becomes heavier, making it difficult to see as I race down the lane. Coming to a stop at a set of traffic lights, I prop my elbow on the arm rest as a flurry of school children cross the street. One by one they fall into line behind their teachers, each one wearing a high-visibility jacket as they run for cover from the rain.
Smiling to myself as I watch them splash around in the puddles, I release the handbrake and get set for the lights to change. I’m about to put my foot on the accelerator when my heart skips a beat. Turning up the wiper speed to clear the windows, I blink twice to make sure I’m not hallucinating. His stubble has grown into a hipster-style beard and his skin is several shades darker than I remember it, but it’s definitely him. After all this time and all the heartache, Spencer Carter is just a few meters away from me. I study him through the rain-soaked window and try to find some connection with the man I once loved, but I don’t feel a thing. It’s like I don’t even know him. Of course I know his face, but it’s as though I can’t really recall why or where from.
Pressing his phone to his ear, our eyes meet for half a second before he starts to talk into the handset. He doesn’t recognise me, probably the hair, either that or he just doesn’t want to acknowledge me. I wait for the sadness to hit, or the pain that tormented me for so long to return, but it doesn’t. I don’t feel anything. The only emotion running through me is happiness, joy at finally being given confirmation that I am over Spencer Carter.
A car beeps behind me and I realise the lights have changed to green. Quickly putting the car into gear, I give him a final glance before slowly pulling away. For so long I have dreamt of this moment. The moment when our paths would cross again. I imagined all the horrible things I would say to him. The things I would do to make him experience the same pain he put me through, but now the time has come, all that anger has ebbed away. It’s as though he’s a villain from an old movie, one where I can’t really remember the storyline, but I just know he’s a bad guy.
Concentrating on the road ahead, I resist the urge to look in the rear-view mirror and turn up the radio. Spencer might be part of my past, but he isn’t part of my future. It wasn’t him making me feel so horrendous, I realise that now, it was the anxiety. It was the fear inside me that made me crumble and fall, not a man who I spent six months of my life with.
Seeing him today has made me realise just how monumental this journey has been. It’s taken me on a whirlwind rollercoaster ride and I can finally see the finishing line. I might not be at my final destination just yet, but something inside is telling me that the best is yet to come…
Chapter 28
‘Thank you so much for inviting me.’ Ruby whispers, picking up a canapé and dropping it onto her plastic plate. ‘This place is so cool!’
‘You’re welcome!’ I flash her a smile and dunk a breadstick into a mound of guacamole.
‘Don’t they make a gorgeous couple?’ She sighs, watching Aldo and Edward entertain guests on the balcony. ‘I didn’t know he was…’
‘Gay?’ I interrupt, already knowing what she’s going to say. ‘Not many people do.’
‘He has great hair…’ Not taking her eyes off Aldo, Ruby leans against the wall and stares shamelessly. ‘And his eyes are so blue. Does he wear contact lenses?’
Rolling my eyes, I look around the room and rock my shoulders in time to the music. This belated moving out party is one of the best ideas I’ve ever had. Unbeknown to Aldo, I managed to plan the entire thing with Edward in just a couple of days. His face when he walked into the apartment was priceless. After how much he has helped me, I thought the least I could do was to wave him off in style.
Watching our friends laugh and rejoice together, I have to admit we’ve done a brilliant job. Music plays on the entertainment system, streamers hang from the ceiling and the kitchen is filled with yummy food and tempting drinks.
‘Are you going to get a new roommate?’ Ruby asks, taking a sip from her wine glass. ‘This place is huge just for one person.’
‘I’m not sure yet…’ I turn around and watch Aldo’s colleagues dance around the kitchen island. ‘I think being alone for a little while would do me good.’
‘I love being alone. It’s rare that I get a moment of peace with my brothers running around the place all the damn time.’ She screws up her nose and frowns. ‘I can’t wait to get my own apartment.’
I pull a wine bottle from the cooler and top up our glasses. ‘Where exactly do you live?’ I ask, suddenly aware
that she hasn’t ever divulged much about her home life.
‘Mobberley.’ Ruby digs a compact mirror out of her handbag and checks her teeth for lipstick. ‘My parents have a farm.’
‘A farm!’ I repeat, borrowing her mirror to give my own makeup a quick once-over. ‘So, you’re a farm hand?’
‘Please! Do you really think I could work the farm with these?’ She waggles her acrylic nails in the air as Aldo joins us at the buffet.
‘Do you mind if I steal my favourite girl for a moment?’ He asks, squeezing past Ruby and taking me by the hand.
Excusing myself, I grab my drink with my free hand and let him lead me into the bathroom. The music floats in behind us as he shuts the door and sits on the edge of the bath.
‘This is it, Shirley!’ Aldo pulls out his bobble and lets his hair fall around his shoulders. ‘The end of an era!’
‘Where you and I are concerned, it will never be the end!’ I drop down to the floor and lean against the shower cubicle. ‘Edward might be your main man, but don’t forget that I was here first…’
He leans over and ruffles my hair before taking a deep slug of wine. ‘How could I ever…’
We have had so many amazing times here, both good and bad. Some of the best moments of my life happened in this apartment and some of the worst. The bass from the entertainment system makes the floor vibrate gently beneath me as I think back over our time together. I can almost see a film reel of our friendship playing over and over in my mind.
‘Nothing has to change.’ Aldo whispers, taking a seat on the tiles next to me.
‘Everything has to change…’ I correct, resting my head on his shoulder. ‘I need a fresh start. I need to work out what I really want out of life, because an unreliable career and a ridiculously large apartment isn’t it.’
‘You’ll figure it out, Shirley. I have every faith in you.’ Aldo stretches out his legs and exhales loudly. ‘I’ve said it before, but I’m going to say it again… I am so proud of how you have managed to turn things around.’
I look up at him and a whole world of emotions wash over me. ‘I will never forget what you did for me, Aldo. Thank you…’
There’s a million more things I could say to him, but I don’t want to taint his leaving party with wine-fuelled, emotional goodbyes on the floor of my en-suite. Aldo knows just how much he means to me. We’re lucky enough to have the kind of friendship where a single look can you tell you more than an entire conversation ever could. Knowing there’s nothing left for us to say, we clink glasses and finish our drinks in silence, but it’s a silence that says everything…
* * *
‘Properties like this don’t stay on the market for very long. We have a whole portfolio of clients waiting for premises of this nature.’ The estate agent stands back and looks up at the apartment block. ‘I can guarantee you a very quick sale, regardless of asking price.’
Taking an information pack from him, I run my eyes over the details and hold out my hand. ‘Thank you so much for your time. There’s a few things I need to think about, but I will get back to you with a decision shortly.’
‘No problem. I shall look forward to hearing from you.’ With a final smile, the estate agent picks up his briefcase and leaves me alone in the foyer.
Folding the paperwork neatly, I take the stairs back to the apartment and grab my mobile from the coffee table. All night I toyed with the idea of putting this place on the market, but now I have confirmation of the price and selling potential, I am more sure than ever that it’s what I want to do. A luxury apartment in the heart of Alderley Edge was once exactly what my heart desired, but now it just seems so fragile and hollow. I don’t want to spend my future desperately trying to make ends meet. I don’t need a place this big. What I need is an actual home, somewhere I can make my own and start afresh.
I should really tell my mum about my decision, she did buy this place for me. Not wanting another earache about how ungrateful I am, I decide to put it into a text message and press send. Looking around the four walls that I’ve called my home for so many years, I silently thank it for the memories and pull on my trainers. The support group starts in thirty minutes and if I set off walking now, I should just about make it in time. Julia spoke in the last meeting about the many benefits exercise can have on the mind and today I am putting her theory to the test.
I pop in my earphones and close the door behind me as I set off on my journey. A part of me feels like a phoney for still attending the meetings, but I’m afraid I will slip straight back into a depression if I give it up so soon. Julia keeps reminding me everyone’s battle with anxiety is different, but something tells me it’s not quite done with me just yet.
Pounding the pavement, I quicken my pace to a jog and surprise myself with how I’ve kept my fitness. My lungs burn as I push myself to my limit, not stopping until I am in front of the Anxiety Anonymous building. Sitting down on a bench, I wait for my breathing to return to normal and shove my iPod into my bag. Once confident my face is no longer glowing, I push myself up and make my way inside.
The dark lobby now feels so welcoming to me as I push open the door to the meeting and scan the room. I spot Ruby chatting to a few of the regular members by the window and head over to join them.
‘Hey!’ Tapping her on the shoulder, I smile as she turns around and embraces me warmly. ‘Wow! It’s busy today.’ I observe, taking in the many new people milling around the room.
‘I know…’ She frowns at her watch and passes me a cup. ‘I’m a little concerned about Julia, she should be here by now. It’s not like her to be late.’
Looking up at the clock on the wall, I’m surprised to discover that the meeting should have started five minutes ago.
‘Did Aldo tell you he’s doing my hair next week?’ Ruby smiles as we choose two seats towards the front of the room.
‘He did mention something…’ I smile as she shows me a photograph of a model with aubergine waves. ‘That’s a gorgeous colour!’
After discussing Ruby’s upcoming makeover, we fall into silence as the other seats slowly fill up. I watch the minutes tick by until a woman sat opposite speaks up.
‘It looks like she isn’t going to show…’ Picking up her briefcase, she takes her coat from the rack as the rest of the room nod in agreement.
One by one people stand up and start to head for the door, disappointment filling the air. All of these people have come here today for the same reason. They’re struggling so much with their mental health that they’ve taken the colossal step to actually stand up and ask for help. Some of them probably won’t return after this. They will cross counselling off their list forever…
‘I could stand in.’ The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. ‘Just this once.’ I add, preparing for my lame offer to be rejected.
‘That’s a great idea!’ Ruby gushes enthusiastically, looking at the others for their reactions. ‘What do you guys think?’
A man in parka coat shakes his head and slips out of the room, but to my astonishment everyone else retreats to their seats. My ears ring with adrenaline as Ruby gives me the nudge I need to walk over to the chair at the head of the circle. What am I playing at? Twenty faces stare back at me as I curse myself for opening my big mouth.
‘Well, as you all know, I am not a counsellor, but due to unforeseen circumstances I am going to try and fill some rather big shoes…’
A small laugh echoes around the room, calming my nerves and giving me a confidence boost.
‘I might not be qualified to be sat in this chair, but I am here for the exact same reason as the rest of you.’ My mouth becomes dry as I take in the many pairs of eyes burning into me. ‘Until a few months ago, mental health wasn’t something I ever really thought about, but after a series of, let’s say unfortunate events in my life, I slipped into a dark hole that seemed impossible to crawl out of.’
My stomach flips as I realise I’m sharing my life with a room of complete stranger
s. I think back to the other meetings and marvel at how much trust these people put into Julia. I can’t expect them to open up to me if I’m keeping my own story secret. Taking a deep breath, I decide to throw caution to the wind and jump in at the deep end.
‘A few months ago… I tried to take my own life.’ The words seem to tumble out of my mouth, as though they never should have been in there in the first place. ‘Looking back, I didn’t want to kill myself. It was a cry for help, a desperation call.’ I look up to see everyone in the room nodding, indicating they understand exactly what I’m talking about. ‘For a short while, anxiety and depression totally consumed me. They seeped into my life and completely took over my mind and body. Thankfully, I seem to have taken back the control and I’m in the process of getting back to the person that I used to be.’
A round of applause erupts and my cheeks flush with embarrassment.
‘Thanks…’ I mumble, genuinely touched by their support. ‘The point I am making is that this is all new to me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what you’re going through.’ Sitting on my hands to stop them from shaking, I exhale deeply and force myself to smile. ‘So, does anyone have anything they would like to share with the group?’
I brace myself for a deafening silence, only my jaw drops as I see a flurry of hands raised. Smiling at the nearest person to me, I motion for her to speak.
‘I thought I was making progress with my anxiety. I convinced myself the worst was behind me.’ Cracking her knuckles nervously, she shakes her head and I notice she has tears in her eyes. ‘I haven’t had a panic attack or an anxiety breakdown for at least a month, but last weekend I woke up with an awful feeling. At first I thought I was ill. I told myself I was coming down with something, but then the usual symptoms returned.’ Her voice wobbles and I feel her pain. ‘The racing heart, sweaty palms and hideous feeling of dread that refuses to leave no matter what I do…’