Play It Again, SAHM
Page 3
She’s quite the feminist, and when she found out that I am married to a pastor, she made barbed comments about it during class. It was embarrassing and demeaning. And stupid. She’s very intelligent, but her sarcastic remarks made her sound immature and not very bright.
I feel guilty for not liking her. After all, I know that God loves her, and if Jesus were in my shoes, He’d forgive this woman and be able to see past the petty smallness and into her heart.
But for once in my life, I’d like to not do the “spiritually correct” thing. My husband, Jonathan, told me that he thinks God led me to my advisor for a reason. I’m sure He did, but I’m not happy about it at all. A normal person would request an advisement change. A normal person would not put up with this crap.
I, however, don’t feel I have the freedom to be a “normal person.” (No quips about that, you guys!) It would affect my funding for my dissertation, and it would not be good for my reputation. Right now, I’m not too happy about that at all.
So that’s the confession— Ms. Holy Pastor’s Wife doesn’t want to be the “light and love of Christ” to this bitter woman. Ms. Holy Pastor’s Wife is tired of doing the right thing and would like to do the usual human thing of writing her off permanently.
Ms. Holy Pastor’s Wife is grumpy.
Phyllis
Instant Message
ZeeMuzzy: hey phyllis—you trying to bait rosalyn or what?
PhyllisLorimer: No. I just needed to vent.
ZeeMuzzy: well, i don’t blame you. but you know ros is going to have something to say about it.
PhyllisLorimer: Something along the lines of “Thanks for your honesty, dear, but I’m a little concerned about the example you’re setting for the other women. We who are in a position of leadership need to be conscious of what our actions are saying to others,” perhaps?
ZeeMuzzy: precisely
PhyllisLorimer: Too late. I’ve already preached that sermon to myself and the effect lasted about as long as people’s memories of Jonathan’s sermons do on Sunday morning.
ZeeMuzzy: the amount of time it takes for the congregation to walk from their seat to the back of the sanctuary?
PhyllisLorimer: The average for that is 21.6 seconds. So a little less than that, yes.
ZeeMuzzy: poor girl. wish i had something spiritually profound to say.
PhyllisLorimer: I do, too. You know I’d listen.
ZeeMuzzy: my best advice is avoid checking your email for the next few minutes. any minute here, and you’ll have a rosalyn-bomb in your inbox.
PhyllisLorimer: Happy thought, indeed.
ZeeMuzzy: shouldn’t be long now. wait for it…
PhyllisLorimer: Waiting. Nothing yet.
ZeeMuzzy: wait for it…
PhyllisLorimer: Waiting with anticipation and mortal dread.
ZeeMuzzy: 3…2…1…
From: P. Lorimer
To: Zelia Muzuwa
Subject: Nothing!
How very odd—six hours later and no response! I wonder what happened to her?
Phyllis
From: Zelia Muzuwa
To: P. Lorimer
Subject: Re: Nothing!
Huh. Therapy session run long, maybe?
Z
From: VIM
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM]
TOTW June 1: Total Honesty
Okay, y’all… I mean, all of you (sorry Ros),
All y’all (argh, I can’t help it! I may not be native Texan, but I tell you… I have the soul of one!)—anyway, you all have inspired me with your honesty, so here’s what’s going on in lil’ old Ronnie’s corner of the earth…
Ashley’s now thirteen years old, and as determined to make her momma miserable as ever a teenager was. Keeps talking nonsense about how she wants to go live with her “real mom” instead of her dad and me—despite the fact that “Real Mom” sent BACK the Christmas presents the kiddos made for her last year! I know Ashley’s just trying to annoy us, but it’s super irritating to have to admit it works.
Courtney’s nine and Stanley’s seven. And other than the sibling war that the two girls have been waging since…birth, I guess, they’re not doing too badly.
And my baby, Stephenie is eighteen months old now! I shouldn’t phrase it like that, I suppose. I feel like the other three are mine, too, after being the only real mama they’ve ever had for three years now. But y’all know what I mean, I hope.
Lest you start thinking this is sounding an awful lot like a Christmas newsletter, I’m saying all this because of the thing I want to talk about for this Honesty topic of the week thingy.
Frank, my sweet Francesco, has been telling me that since the kids are getting older and especially with Ashley being a pain in the behind lately, and also since he wants to avoid the mistakes he made with his ex…
He thinks we should try attending church! His family back in Italy is 100% Catholic, and he’s wanting to check out our local parish.
I know most of you all on this loop are churchgoing folks, so this is where that hard-core honesty is coming in for me. I’m not real sold on the idea of going to church. I don’t think it’s very responsible of us to expect religion to solve our problems or fix our kids. You all are generally sincere and genuine people, and I respect that. I’m just not sure I’m the religious type.
But Frank really is pushing for it. I told him if he wanted to take the kids and go, I wouldn’t put up a fuss. But he doesn’t want to go without me. Not sure if there’s a sentimental reason for that or if he just doesn’t want to handle all four kids by himself. But we’re kinda at a standoff with it.
And that there’s my confession. Hey…confession! I don’t need to go to church. I’ve got all of you.
Veronica
From: Iona James
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: [SAHM I AM]
An Honest Greeting From Iona
Dia daoibh! (“Hi there” in Gaelic),
I will not reveal my given name, but I am called Iona—ever since I discovered that my great-great-grandmother was born there. I had a dream about her three years ago and she called me “her Iona.” When I woke up, I knew I had been renamed. I’m studying Gaelic, but it’s slow going because I don’t have anyone to practice it with.
I am a poet and songwriter for my husband’s band, Broken Wrench and Copper Bucket. I’ve recently joined your lovely little brigade because the Angel Child (my ten-month-old, Gabriel) and I are trying to learn our Life Dance with each other a bit better—and we’ve been stepping on each other’s toes too much.
My moment of utter honesty is thus:
I never intended to become a mother. What started as a moment of passion has become a never-ending progression of confusion. I love the Angel Child, but I don’t understand him. And the more I become his mother, the less I understand myself, as well.
I can’t share further with you right now, but I will in time. At the moment, I’m waiting for Francine to return. I was soaking up the beauty of God’s Word this morning and felt a strong urge to open the Bible to a random page. Every time that happens, it’s always a life-changing moment for me. So I did, and my finger landed on Psalm 141:2 “May my prayers be counted as incense before Thee; the lifting up of my hands as the evening offering.”
And I knew. It was clear to me that God was calling me to burn incense in our apartment so that we would no longer view prayer as something we do, but something we live. So I took the Angel Child and was on my way to a Tats ’N Wicks shop three blocks away to buy incense. But the Angel Child’s diaper sprung a leak about a block from our apartment. Just as I turned around to go home, a woman appeared and asked if she could help me. She said her name was Francine, and that she has eight children of her own and spent twe
nty years as a stay-at-home mother. I gave her twenty dollars and asked her to pick out something that smelled like Jesus and bring it to my apartment.
I believe God gave me that scripture verse so I would meet Francine today. She’s a treasure and blessing. She looks like a homeless prostitute—probably a meth addict. But Jesus visits us in the most unlikely disguises.
We’re going to invite her to live with us for a while.
May you live in the divine mystery of God, my friends, Iona James
From: Brenna L
To: “Green Eggs and Ham”
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM]
An Honest Greeting From Iona
What was THAT???
Brenna
From: The Millards
To: “Green Eggs and Ham”
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM]
An Honest Greeting From Iona
I have no idea, but I think it’s gone now. Do you suppose it will come back?
Jocelyn
From: P. Lorimer
To: “Green Eggs and Ham”
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM]
An Honest Greeting From Iona
It? She was beautiful, and I hope she does come back. Don’t scare her off, understand? I think I’m in love…
Phyllis
From: Hannah Farrell
To: Kristina Shaw
Subject: What have I gotten into?
Hi Krissy,
U R so NOT going to believe this. I joined this loop for stay-at-home moms this week, and they’re like really bizarre. The loop moderator just got out of some sort of mental hospital, I think. I guess she crawled into a coffin because she thought her husband was having an affair with a Lesbian! Can u imagine?
And then her sister is even worse! She’s not even a Christian. And she married a divorced guy! The scariest part is…he was raised CATHOLIC! In Italy, where the pope lives! He’s trying to talk her into going to church again. But she says she’s not “the religious type.” And they actually let her post on the loop!
There’s another new girl this week, too. She’s psycho. She has a ten-month-old baby, and she’s inviting a prostitute to live with her and her husband! I would NEVER be so totally stupid! If a prostitute even looked at my Bradley, she’d be sorry! Is sharing your home with a homeless hooker even Biblical? Nobody in our church would ever do that, I’m sure. What if she tempts the husband to, you know, SIN or something? And she thinks God told her to burn incense, too! I’m pretty certain incense is new age. You can’t be new age and still believe in Jesus, can you?
So I’m hugely bummed. I thought this was going to be a loop full of Christian SAHMs like me—well, sure, I figured they’d be a little older than me. But these people are really weird. I don’t think they’re what I’d exactly call “Christian” even.
I thought about just unsubscribing from the loop. But I really am very lonely without you here. Bradley is nice and all, but it’s SO not the same as having a best girlfriend. I decided not to leave the loop just yet, because maybe it’ll be better and I’ll meet some normal moms. I don’t want to be all like judgmental or anything, you know?
Well, write me and tell me all about Hawaii. YouTube it and send me some pics, okay?
BFF,
Hannah
From: Kristina Shaw
To: Hannah Farrell
Subject: Re: What have I gotten into?
Hey you! Hawaii is awesome. Check out the attached pics. Tried 2 txt them 2 u, but they were 2 big. Weird about that mom loop. U going 2 stay on loop? Lots of my new friends are kinda whacked like that 2. But they r fun. Lots better than our stuffy old high school! I told them all about South Carolina Crusading Lambs of God High School. They think it’s the best joke. LOL! I gotta run. Some of the guys in our group are taking me surfing this afternoon. We did all our research/school stuff this morning. Can you imagine— I’m going surfing with hot guys! My parents would totally freak out, but there’s nothing they can do about it. It’s great to be FREE!
LUV U!!!!
Kris
From: Thomas Huckleberry
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM]
TOTW June 1: Total Honesty
Hi ladies,
It looks like I’m about the last one to check in this week on the TOTW. Here’s something I bet no guy up until now has confessed to in your hearing:
I’m sitting at my computer wearing a plastic jeweled princess crown on my head and strap-on fairy wings on my back. My sparkle wand is on the desk. And I’m having a great time!
MacKenzie is playing Cinderella, and I’m her Fairy Godmother. Two years ago, if you’d suggested that I’d ever make a statement like that (or be dressed like this), I probably would never have talked to you again. But since then, I’ve discovered that only a real man has the courage to play make-believe with his daughter. She tried to put dress-up heels on me, but my feet were too big…thankfully.
Whoa, gotta go. Sounds like Mac has given the twins the choice between being the ugly stepsisters or the mice. They’re not happy. Tom
From: Zelia Muzuwa
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM]
TOTW June 1: Total Honesty
Awww, Tom!!! Fairy wings and a tiara? This is the only (and I do mean ONLY) context I’d ever say this in, but… THAT IS SO DARN CUTE! Aw, you’re a good dad. A really, really good dad!
Rock on, Tiara-man!
Z
From: Hannah Farrell
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM]
TOTW June 1: Total Honesty
There’s a MAN on the loop???
This is supposed to be a loop for MOMS! How am I supposed to be all share-y and open if there’s a guy lurking around? I can’t talk about…you know… STUFF—in front of a man!
What kind of a weird place is this? What wife would ever be idiotic enough to let her husband on a loop full of other women?
What is WRONG with you people?
Hannah
From: Dulcie Huckleberry
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM]
TOTW June 1: Total Honesty
Hannah,
I’m the “idiot” who “lets” her husband on a loop with other women. Charmed to meet you.
If you have a problem with our loop, you’re welcome to find yourself a different loop that is more to your liking. We voted to let Tom join our loop, and he’s been a great addition.
If you don’t feel comfortable discussing things in front of him, that’s your problem, not his. He is the most trustworthy, sympathetic, sweetest person in the whole world, and anyone who decides not to take the time to get to know him is a big-time loser.
Stay-at-home dads need encouragement and friendship, too. There’s no reason why only moms should get that privilege.
I knew you were young, but good grief! Apparently, you haven’t gotten past the “Ew, boys have cooties” stage yet.
Sincerely,
Dulcie Huckleberry
From: Dulcie Huckleberry
To: Rosalyn Ebberly
Subject: My loop post
Go ahead and slap my wrist now, Rosalyn. I’m so angry, I don’t care at the moment.
Dulcie
From: Rosalyn Ebberly
To: Dulcie Huckleberry
Subject: Re: My loop post
I should. I really should. But… I’ll let it go this time. The line about boy cooties was worth it. However, Dulcie dear, would you like to borrow one of my books on ang
er management? I’m sure you would find it so helpful!
Go soak in a nice bubble bath with candles—relieving stress and anxiety will go a long way to helping you control your temper.
Much love,
Rosalyn
“The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.”Proverbs 14:1 (NASB)
From: Dulcie Huckleberry
To: “Green Eggs and Ham”
Subject: Whaaaaat?
Rosalyn was just nice to me.
Rosalyn. Yes, THAT Rosalyn.
She was nice.
To me.
I’ve been wandering around the last ten minutes repeating this to myself and still can’t grasp it. My brain has exploded. I feel as if I’ve entered a Twilight Zone episode.
There’s something very weird afoot. Very weird, indeed.
Dulcie
Instant Message
Huck: How’s my damsel in shining armor doing?
Dulcet: Still steamed.
Huck: You didn’t have to do that, you know.
Dulcet: Do what?
Huck: Defend me. I’m a big boy. I can handle it.
Dulcet: Of course you can. But you really think I was going to let that little brat publicly slam you without saying a word in protest?
Huck: Well, it would have shocked me if you had.
Dulcet: We stick together. Attack one, and you tangle with us both. You’d have done the same for me.
Huck: Sure. But only if you weren’t able to do it yourself. I was going to post a reply of my own, you know.
Dulcet: Oh. Really?
Huck: Yeah. Was working on it when yours posted. It was going to be a good post, I think.
Dulcet: Not a rant like mine, huh?
Huck: A gentler rant. Remember, I’m on the loop strictly because of everyone’s good will. I have to be a little more diplomatic.
Dulcet: You’re not going to be able to send yours now, huh?
Huck: Probably not. Wouldn’t want to keep things stirred up.
Dulcet: I’m sorry.
Huck: Forgiven. You sure you’re okay? Her post wasn’t that bad, you know. Lots of those women had stronger objections when you first brought up the idea of me joining the loop.
Dulcet: I lost the Kerrick account.