Play It Again, SAHM

by Meredith Efken

  Farmgirl04: WOW! Any idea who it was?

  ZeeMuzzy: no, but whoever it was is my hero. i betcha it was someone from our church. we were on their prayer list about it.

  Farmgirl04: That’s great.

  ZeeMuzzy: the specialist was hugely helpful. and thanks to our anonymous donor, we’ll be getting weekly appointments for both lishan and duri through the end of the year. after that, if they still need therapy, i guess we’ll have to work out a payment plan with the doctor after we use up our allotted visits. i’m just relieved we were able to get them in and onto his patient roster.

  Farmgirl04: So you think the doctor can help with their problems?

  ZeeMuzzy: yeah. we found out that they’ve made a LOT of progress in understanding attachment problems in the last 20 years. most kids that have been in orphanages have had some amount of trauma that can make them have a hard time adjusting after they’re adopted. i just wish we hadn’t waited so long to get help. i kept thinking all i had to do was give them more love and attention. but that wasn’t enough. and now our other kids are going to need some help, too.

  Farmgirl04: I’m sorry. I wish there was more I could do to help.

  ZeeMuzzy: hey, where would i be without my brenna-buddy? :) i’m just SO relieved to know there’s something that can be done—i’m practically giddy!

  Farmgirl04: I hope things go as well for Little Pat.

  ZeeMuzzy: me, too. hey, i need to scoot. you’ve got enough to think about—don’t add rosalyn’s neuroses to the mix, okay?

  Farmgirl04: Yes ma’am.

  ZeeMuzzy signed off at 4:18:12 p.m.

  Farmgirl04 signed off at 4:18:35 p.m.

  From: The Millards

  To: SAHM I Am

  Subject: [SAHM I AM] Wanna do a workshop at the retreat?

  Gals,

  We’ve decided to definitely do workshops at our retreat in March. So we’re opening it up for applications. If you have something you want to teach, then e-mail your ideas to me, and Rosalyn and I will put together the schedule.

  You’d all better be glad I’m working with Ros because otherwise you’d be filling out a TEN-page workshop application! :)

  We are going to have a BLAST! I’m getting so excited about this.

  Jocelyn Millard

  From: Zelia Muzuwa

  To: The Millards

  Subject: Workshop ideas

  Jocelyn,

  I’m taking a stab at the whole workshop idea thing. I was skeptical at first, but this might end up being really great for everyone. Sorry I’ve been such a brat about everything lately. The stress of dealing with Lishan and Duri was really getting to me. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. We were supposed to come home with two adorable children who were happy to have a real family. And they are adorable, and at times they are happy, too. But we weren’t prepared for the intensity of their problems.

  I’m just relieved that we’re finally getting some help. And I know I should let the whole Rosalyn incident go. But… I’m just not there yet. I’m glad you’ve stuck by me, even though I’ve been a big grouch. Sounds like you’re doing a rock-awesome job on the retreat so far. I’m looking forward to coming.

  Suggestions for workshops:

  1) Fun ways to get your kids involved in art.

  2) Tax information for work-at-home parents. Since Tristan is a CPA, he would help me put this one together, and be available by phone to answer any questions afterward.

  3) Unschooling—remember we used to do that before Tristan insisted on putting the kids into private school? Anyway, I thought it would be fun to do a workshop on it, to explain what it is and the benefits, etc.

  Hope one of those will work for you.

  Z

  From: The Millards

  To: Zelia Muzuwa

  Subject: Re: Workshop ideas

  Hey girl,

  No apology necessary. Your family is going through some rough times, and you can always count on me to be your friend. Love you!!!

  Thanks for the workshop ideas. We’ll let everyone know what we come up with.

  I’m praying that God helps you find a way to work through the issue with Rosalyn. It happened over a year ago—and she really is trying to make changes in her life. I’m sorry it was so painful for you. Don’t you think it’s time to let God do a little healing for it, though?

  Much love,

  Jocelyn

  From: VIM

  To: SAHM I Am

  Subject: [SAHM I AM] Ashley’s birthday party

  Yep, it’s time for another chapter in the Ashley’s Birthday Party Saga. In our previous episodes, twelve-year-old Ashley was angsting over what to do for her birthday party. One “friend” stole her limo party idea, with her parents as accomplices! So now, it’s up to us to defend our daughter’s party reputation and come up with something truly memorable.

  I think we finally done it! We kept it top secret. We didn’t even tell y’all, in case there’s a birthday party mole among us, waiting to snatch innocent children’s unique party ideas. But the invitations went out today, so we decided to lift the ban of secrecy.

  We decided who wants to do a dumb old limo ride anyway? What will REALLY impress those conniving, idea-thieving parents is… A MEDITERRANEAN CRUISE!

  Now, we don’t quite have that much money to cart a bunch of squealing teen girls to the real Mediterranean. But since we live in Houston, right near the Gulf, it was a fairly simple (albeit pricey) job to rent a yacht for a couple of days. The girls are going to go on a “cruise”—complete with cruise-type food and on-board entertainment in the form of a local boy band (the girls will be drooling over the lead singer), who will be locked in their cabin at all times if they’re not performing.

  Then, they’ll end up on a little island owned by one of Frank’s photography clients. We’ll send hot boy band home via causeway, and then pretend that we’ve arrived at our port of call in Italy. This guy’s got a big house that we’re commandeering that happens to look remarkably like an Italian villa. Perfect, since Ashley is half-Italian. They’ll have dinner there, and Frank will take their photos. And then they’re going to get a “spa” experience, thanks to the hot tub and some of my friends who are coming to help. After that, they’ll get back on the yacht and get to have a slumber party on the boat, including movies on the big-screen TV. (I’m campaigning for Roman Holiday with Audrey Hepburn, but Ashley’s not quite old enough to appreciate classic romantic movies like that, I guess.)

  Now, I’d like to see anyone top that! And it’s an unstealable idea, too, because none of the other parents are friends with our island villa guy. HAH!

  Veronica

  From: Rosalyn Ebberly

  To: SAHM I Am

  Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] Ashley’s birthday party

  Funny… I thought the point of a birthday party was to celebrate the birth of a child, not to show up all the other parents.

  Rosalyn

  “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.” Proverbs 14:1 (NASB)

  From: VIM

  To: SAHM I Am

  Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] Ashley’s birthday party

  Normally, sis, I’d agree with you. However, if all we wanted to do was celebrate Ashley’s birth, we’d take her out to Dave and Buster’s for dinner and buy her some more iTunes gift cards. And maybe a new pair of boots. She’s all about boots.

  But this goes way beyond a simple celebration of her birth. This is about family honor! It’s about making sure our children can hold their heads high among their peers. It’s about not having to listen to all the other parents brag about their birthday party triumphs and make cutting little remarks about how sad it
is that our children are being so deprived.

  This is war! And even though our budget may end up as the primary casualty, we are determined to do whatever it takes. Ridiculous? You betcha. But it’s twenty-first century America, and we do petty, pointless things like this to make ourselves feel more courageous and important than we really are.

  So onward with the parties!

  Okay, okay, it’s pathetic. I can’t help it! I want to be the best! (If y’all notice, that’s a family trait…)

  Veronica

  From: Hannah Farrell

  To: P. Lorimer

  Subject: Baby food

  Hi Phyllis,

  I think I did something wrong. I decided to try giving Boaz baby food for the first time. I did all this research and found out that homemade baby food is the best. And that u shouldn’t start with rice ’cause it’s like all hard to digest and stuff.

  I’ve done SOOOO much research the past couple of days. I decided to start with a sweet potato puree. I followed the recipe exactly, and used organic sweet potatoes and everything. It took over an hour to steam the potato, but it’s better than boiling it because it keeps all the nutrients in the potato that way.

  Then I pureed it in the blender and added some breast milk until it was pretty thin. Then I put a little bit in a bowl.

  I bought this special bamboo baby spoon that is ergonomic and coated with rubber. I put Boaz in his little bouncy seat…

  And from there, nothing went the way it was supposed to. The books said to put just a little on the edge of the spoon and let him smell it, or rub the spoon on his gums.

  So I did that, just like it said. And Boaz blew a big raspberry and sprayed the food in my face! I was just wiping it off when he got all excited and kicked his feet, hitting the bowl. It went flying—and then we BOTH were covered with sweet potato puree!

  About that time, my mother showed up at the door. And after she about died laughing at the two of us wearing the puree, she cleaned Boaz up, cleaned my carpet and the bouncy seat, and then even got Boaz to eat a couple bites of the food—all while I was cleaning myself up!

  I was totally embarrassed. It’s MY baby—why does he cooperate for my mom better than for me? It made me feel like the babysitter when the parents come home.

  And then I got an e-mail from Krissy. She won some undergrad research competition and gets a big scholarship for school next year. And meanwhile, I’m wearing sweet potato puree while my mom feeds and takes care of my baby.

  Could you like maybe tell me that this is all going to get better sometime? PLEASE!

  Hannah

  From: P. Lorimer

  To: Hannah Farrell

  Subject: Re: Baby food

  Dear Hannah,

  I’m sorry you had such a bad day. I would imagine it was more than a little funny, though. Hopefully, you’ll be able to laugh about it later…maybe MUCH later! As far as getting better… I’ve been told it does, though I would not be able to comment from personal experience.

  Today, I arrived at first day of classes for this semester, only to discover that the professor for one class had been changed, and it is now being taught by my advisor who despises me because I’m a pastor’s wife. Required class, and no way to get out of it. She seemed carnivorously happy to see me. I’m dreading the next several months!

  To make it all even more fun, my phone vibrated about halfway through class. It was my daughter Julia’s kindergarten teacher. Julia was too intent on whatever activity she was doing, waited too long to go potty, and wet her pants. My husband was in back-to-back counseling appointments this morning, so I had to leave class (which didn’t earn me any points with Cruella de Vil) and pick Julia up from school—where she was hiding in the nurse’s office because she was so embarrassed about her “accident.” I had to take her home, clean her up and give her a new outfit. She begged me not to send her back today because she’s scared all the kids will laugh at her. So I skipped my other class and kept her home. I’m thinking that may have been a poor idea because now she’s asking me if she can stay home tomorrow, too. And she was loving school until this happened!

  So, you see, Hannah, the reason I can’t say for sure if it gets better is because, while your child will learn to eat solid food, there will be just another challenge waiting for you after that. However, your mother survived you and mine survived me. So I think chances are pretty good that it DOES get better at some point. Either that, or we just get tougher.

  Blessings,

  Phyllis

  From: The Millards

  To: “Green Eggs and Ham”

  Subject: Retreat workshops!

  Hey ladies,

  You would not BELIEVE the number of workshop suggestions I’ve received this week! Of varying merits, too. I believe the weirdest suggestion award goes to one I got today called Health Benefits to Bathing Your Child In Dark Chocolate.

  Anyway, if you guys want to get in on the fun, let me know. Z already gave me some good suggestions. Anyone else game?

  Jocelyn

  Instant Message

  Dulcet: Hey Tom. How are the kids?

  Huck: Hey yourself, gorgeous. Aren’t you supposed to be at the library studying how Nero’s wife decorated her kitchen or something?

  Dulcet: “Or something.” But I had to check my email—you know I’m addicted. Anyway, Jocelyn sent an email out to the loop earlier this week about doing workshops at the retreat. I was thinking I’d like to do one on starting your own business. What do you think?

  Huck: I didn’t think you were going to the retreat.

  Dulcet: WHAT? Why wouldn’t I be going to the retreat?

  Huck: Well, isn’t it the same weekend as my woodworking convention? I thought we both agreed on me going to that.

  Dulcet: It’s not the same weekend, is it?

  Huck: Pretty sure it is.

  Dulcet: NOOO! I didn’t realize that!

  Huck: Maybe they’ll have it again next year.

  Dulcet: I don’t want to miss it THIS YEAR.

  Huck: I know, but we can’t both be gone. Someone has to watch the kids.

  Dulcet: Why are you assuming it has to be me?

  Huck: Because we already made plans for me to go to my convention.

  Dulcet: But you don’t understand! I’ve never met most of these people before, and they’re my closest friends! And you’ve gotten to travel a lot. I hardly get to go anywhere!

  Huck: So…you’re asking me to cancel our pre-arranged plan of attending a convention that could help me reach some business goals of my own, just so you can hang out with your girlfriends for the weekend?

  Dulcet: There’s gotta be other woodworking shows around here. You could take a class or join a club or something, couldn’t you?

  Huck: Did you “take a class or join a club or something” in order to start your business?

  Dulcet: It’s not the same! That’s actually providing our income and supporting the family—or it will. With you, it’s just pretty much monetizing a hobby.

  Huck: Gee thanks. Well, that’s even more reason for you to stay home.

  Dulcet: What do you mean?

  Huck: First, you shouldn’t be taking time off your all important JOB to go socialize with friends. After all, you have to PROVIDE for your family! We’re all depending on you, oh great entrepreneur. Or are you going to let us starve in the streets so you can gab with the girls?

  Dulcet: That’s unfair!

  Huck: It’s a retreat for stay-at-home moms. You’re a working mom that happens to have a home office. I don’t think you qualify anymore.

  Dulcet: You are being childish.

  Huck: Maybe. But you know, I spend all day with children, so it’s probably natural.

  Dulcet: Then maybe you’d better go get your blankie and take a nap. You’re cranky.

  Huck: I am going t
o that woodworking convention. We had an agreement. We paid the registration fee. I even have a hotel reservation. I can’t believe you’d be so selfish as to ask me to give that up when I have spent the last two years doing everything I could to support and encourage you with your work. I’m not giving this up.

  Dulcet: You think TWO years of staying home, a year of that with me also in the house, is comparable to the YEARS I spent basically as a single parent while you traveled all the time? Whenever you want, you go over to your mom and Morris’s house or hang out with Flynn or your other friends and I take over with the kids. Who spotted for me like that while you were working all the time? Don’t talk to ME about being selfish, Tom. I put in my time.

  Huck: Ok, fine. Nobody has suffered or endured as much as you, Dulce. Look I don’t care if you go to your retreat. But you’ll have to find someone to take care of the girls, because I’m holding you to your agreement—that weekend is mine, to myself. And that’s something I haven’t had in a LONG time. So if you want to do something, too, then you’ll have to arrange childcare.

  Dulcet: Fine. Now, I’d better get back to WORK. Because I’m just selfish that way—you know, wanting to provide for the family and all.

  Huck: Now who’s being childish? See you at home.

  Dulcet signed off at 4:52:17 p.m.

  Huck signed off at 4:52:55 p.m.

  From: Rosalyn Ebberly

  To: SAHM I Am

  Subject: [SAHM I AM] TOTW October 5: Family Meetings

  Communicative Caregivers,

  Our family is returning to a tradition that we used to do when the children were younger, but that we forgot as our lives grew busier— FAMILY MEETINGS. My therapist recommended that we go back to having meetings, so that we can find positive ways of dealing with life’s everyday ups and downs, such as:

  An eight-year-old son who has got into four fights since June and is in danger of being expelled;

  A nine-year-old daughter who has started stressing about whether or not she’s gaining weight and if her jeans make her look fat;

  A six-year-old daughter who is very intelligent, but so worried about failure that she threw a two-hour temper tantrum because she didn’t know how to spell the word coelenterate;