She nodded. "C'est vrai, Heloïse is the one you want if you need comforting."
"I don't though, I don’t want comfort, I just want him. I can't do it, Inés, not without him."
She squeezed my hand and I was surprised to see tears in her eyes.
"Oui, Jéhenne, I know."
She gave me a look that I couldn't read but before she could say anything else a sharp pain exploded in my belly and I screamed, drawing my knees up to my stomach and clutching at my guts. The shivering cold that had been gnawing at my bones increased and suddenly there was ice water rushing through my veins, so cold it took my breath away. I gasped, panting for breath while Inés asked me questions that I had no voice to answer with.
I heard Heloïse come back in. "What is it, what's wrong with her?"
"She's fighting it, fighting his power,’ Inés said. “If she accepts that she is Master now she has to admit the old Master is dead. Don't you see ... She can't do it."
"Oh, le pauvre but she'll have to, sooner or later."
"No. She won't. I know her, you don't. She will never let him go!"
Their words washed over me and I tried to grasp at them. I felt the truth of what Inés was saying and yet I couldn't hold on to the conversation as shards of ice slashed at my insides. The cold was burning my veins and my stomach ached and demanded, demanded with sharp nails and teeth clawing at my guts. But for what I didn’t know.
Heloïse's voice came again, pleading. "Inés, we cannot hold wards like this for much longer, not without a blood sacrifice and I for one am not willing to do that."
"Non, you never did like to get your hands dirty."
"Merde! You bitch, you don't like dark magic any more than I do."
"True enough but I won't let Corvus have sacrificed himself in vain and I won't let that bastard of a god take her either," Inés said, smoothing my hair from my face as I writhed on the bed and tried not to scream. "It doesn't matter anyway, she won't ever accept he is gone, but the power will take her soon just the same. She cannot deny it for much longer and when she is strong enough, when she can think clearly again ... She'll go to him."
“Go to him?” Heloïse exclaimed.
“To Corvus.”
“Goddess! What do you mean? She cannot go to him, you know what Dis Pater will have done as well as I do. He’ll be in Tartarus, no one can survive that!”
“You know that is not true, Heloïse.”
“His mind will be gone! Everything that made him what he was will be gone. That his body could be returned here makes no difference, he will not have survived. Please, even for you this is madness. You can’t think of suggesting it to her.
I caught the eyes of the woman who was my grandmother, her green eyes, so like mine, holding me in their gaze as I fought the pain. She spoke softly. “I won’t have to, she has already decided. She just needs the strength to see what she must do and that is coming. You’ll see, it’s why she fights so hard, but the power she will have to take ...if she wants him back.”
“You’re insane!” Heloïse shouted, her voice ringing around the darkened room.
I heard Inés laugh, the sound mingling with the roaring of the blood rushing in my ears, and it was a maniacal sound, tinged with the madness I had always suspected her of. “Get out then, if you haven’t the stomach for it! Get out and leave her to me for she is more of my blood than yours. I understand her. I know what drives her and I will be there to help her.
“Oh, I’m going, Inés, but don’t take the moral high ground with me, you were the one who tried to kill him before, you would have taken him from her yourself!”
“Yes, because he took the man I loved from me and I had no way of getting him back, but if I’d had her power I would have. Corvus has proved himself worthy of her, even I cannot deny that. I won’t have her go through life alone. It’s too hard, Heloïse. You of all people should know that.”
“I do know it, I know it far too well but I know when to accept what fate has done too. Only the gods play with fate and they toy with all of our lives when they do. I won’t be a party to it.”
I heard the sound of a door shutting and Inés muttering, “Good riddance,” under her breath. She sat on the bed and wiped my face with a cloth.
“Sleep.” I managed to push the word past the cold that had frozen my lungs and Inés nodded.
“Oui, Jéhenne.”
She held the sleeping draught to my lips and I swallowed it eagerly. Laying back on the bed I heard the door open again. Another voice spoke and suddenly the cold receded, just a little. The gnawing pain grew a little less fierce.
“What are you doing here?” Inés demanded.
A terse male voice responded. “She needs me, I can feel her pain.”
“At least someone is getting what they wanted!”
“I never wanted this. You know I didn’t!” the voice growled.
“She’s calming; the sleeping potion is helping her.”
“It’s not the potion, you stupid woman, it’s me and you have to stop giving that to her. She needs to wake up. She needs to accept this.”
I heard Inés laugh again. “Fine, you tell her that and I’ll see you tomorrow, assuming you live that long.”
I heard Inés leave, closing the door behind her. The man in the room hesitated. I could feel that he was afraid, afraid of me. I wanted to open my eyes and see who it was but they were too heavy now and I didn’t want to fight to stay awake, didn’t care enough but ... I didn’t want him to go. He was comforting in a way no one else had been. I brought my hand up from under the covers and felt another hand clasp it, his grip warm and firm. “I’m here, Jéhenne, don’t be afraid. I won’t leave, I won’t ever leave.
I lay shivering on the bed, waiting for sleep, waiting to return to my dreams of Corvus and I felt him let go of my hand. I gasped, not wanting to break contact, but there was a movement beside me, arms going around me and chasing away a little of the bleak cold that enveloped me. I snuggled against the warmth, against something so familiar. The smell, it was ... It was home, it was family. It was him. I relaxed against him and the body behind me relaxed too.
“You can’t go on like this, Jéhenne. I know you want to hide from it but you can’t. Corvus entrusted you with his family. They need you, you can’t let them down. I know how strong you are I know you can do this and I know you don’t want to but you must. They will fall apart if you don’t hold them together. I can’t do it, not without you, you
know I can’t. They need you to be strong. I need you.”
The words circled in my head and I knew he spoke the truth. The family did need me. I was being shielded from the worst of their torment, he was shielding me, but it was still there, a lingering darkness at the edge of my mind. The sleeping draught swirled in my blood, promising me an escape, escape from the pain, escape from reality and I rushed towards it. They would have to manage without me, because I needed Corvus more than they needed me, and I would get him anyway I could, even if it was only in my dreams.
Chapter 56
From where I was sitting I could see him. He’d been waiting half an hour already and was getting more and more impatient.
I wondered just how long he would wait for me if I made him.
I could feel my heart beating far too hard and fast. More than anything I wanted to run to him. I wanted to cling to him and demand he never let me go, and the feeling scared me. I had never wanted anything before. There had only ever been my destiny. The destiny that spoke to me in visions and dreams and showed itself in the entrails of my sacrifices. It was the one thing I must do, was driven to do, that was all my life had consisted of ...until him, until now when I wanted him with a hunger that made my belly feel it was turned in on itself. I didn't understand it, didn't know where it had come from but I knew, with a quiet terror, what kind of path it would lead me down ... and would lead us both down.
I climbed silently down the tree and walked up behind him.
“How lo
ng would you have waited for me?”
He whirled around, eyes narrowing. “Why do you insist on playing games with me?”
“Maybe I don’t trust you."
His face softened and he reached out to touch a lock of my hair. “I would never hurt you.”
“You are dangerous to me.”
He frowned. “You said before that I wasn’t a danger. What has changed your mind? Has someone spoken to you about me?”
I shook my head but I knew what I had said was true. “I know you won’t harm me but you are dangerous.”
“Why?”
“You will change everything. You will change my destiny.”
He stepped closer and the hand that had held the lock of my hair reached to touch my lips. “I have always believed we make our own destiny.” He sighed and his hand traced the line of my jaw. “I can’t stop thinking about you.”
I shook my head and backed away, suddenly afraid. “We shouldn’t be here, they will know. The gods will know and they will punish us.”
He stepped closer again, closing the gap between us. “I don’t care, let them do their worst. I have to know you.”
“No!” I cried, turning and running into the woods. “No!”
I tried to stay away, tried not to think of him but, at heart, I knew it was already too late.
All around me the signs were changing; visions of a future I didn’t understand and images of me that I didn’t recognise crept into my mind and frightened me with their intensity, but still I couldn’t stay away. I watched him, secretly, finding reasons to walk in places I knew I might find him. I watched him with his men, walking in the market place, drinking in the taverns and I was sure he felt my eyes upon him but he didn’t come for me this time and I knew he was testing, seeing if I would go to him of my own accord.
Two weeks I stayed away, just watching, and still he didn’t come to me. I thought of commanding him, casting a spell and making him do my bidding. It would be a simple thing to arrange, but I knew I never would. He was not a man to be caught with witchcraft. I would have him want me, love me ...with all of his heart and of his own free will.
I read the runes endlessly, stared into fires and water, scried with crystals and watched for signs all around me, and time and again his eyes would look back at me through flames, and stones and symbols. There was no escaping him and I accepted it without question, because I didn’t want to escape.
I found where he lived and waited for him. It was early evening, the sky a soft pink and a chilled breeze plucking at the leaves of the tree I hid behind. I had been waiting for some time and goosebumps prickled over my skin. I tugged my thin shawl closer around me and wished he would hurry. Finally I heard horses and peered around the tree trunk to see him laughing with another man who rode beside him. They exchanged a few words before his companion bade him goodbye and continued on down the road but Corvus didn’t carry on into the courtyard of his home as I had thought he would but stilled the horse and looked into the woodland where I stood hidden from view, eyes narrowed.
“You can come out now.”
I felt a flash of irritation that he had known I was there but stepped out anyway, glaring at him defiantly, only to find that his smile was warm and his eyes full of pleasure at seeing me. I felt a flicker of desire stir in my blood at the sight of him, so proud, this Roman warrior staring down at me with such need in his expression.
“I knew you would come.”
I opened my mouth to berate him for being an arrogant bastard but couldn’t do it. I just shrugged helplessly. “I couldn’t stay away.”
He reached down and grasped hold of me, hauling me up on the horse in front of him. I gasped and turned to look at him, feeling suddenly short of breath at his nearness. He turned the horse, away from his home, away from the village and out into the open countryside. His arm snaked around me, holding me steady on the horse and I laid my hand over it, feeling his warmth and the flex of muscle under my fingers.
I stroked my hand slowly up from wrist to bicep and felt him tense before the arm tightened further, pulling me back against him. The heat of him burned through the material of my dress and I leaned into him, resting my head on his shoulder. He smelled of fresh air and horses and something indefinably masculine. It was foolish, knowing everything I did, knowing what I must do, what I was up against but the truth remained- he made me feel safe.
He drew up beside the river where we had first met, and dismounted before reaching up for me and lifting me down. He stood looking at me, hands on my waist, and I wished I had the courage to warn him, to warn him to run from me as far and as fast as he could but instead I laid my head on his chest and put my arms around him.
“What will they say to you, your commanders, when they find out about us?”
His arms went around me and I closed my eyes. Safe.
“I don’t know and I don’t care.”
“You should care. I will change everything for you, cause you more trouble than you can possibly imagine, you have no idea how much.”
I felt him laugh, a deep rumble that vibrated through his chest and made me smile despite my fears. “Of all things, that I do believe.”
I pushed away from him, out of his arms. “You don’t believe, not really. If you did you wouldn’t laugh.”
“You came to me, remember?”
I nodded. “I remember.”
“Why, if you are so afraid?”
I looked up and felt a jolt in my stomach at the shock of those eyes, so blue, so full of feeling and I knew that I would tell him the truth now. From now on I would tell him everything. He deserved that much. “I came to you because I was afraid. I know you can't help me, I know that being with you is dangerous to us both, but I can’t stay away because ... Because somehow you make me feel safe. You make me feel like I’m really me, not someone doing the gods’ bidding but a real person, like maybe ...I can have a future with you. Does that sound insane?” I searched his face, wondering if I had scared him off with my babbling. It must make no sense to him but he shook his head and took my hand.
“No.”
“You shouldn’t want me. You should stay away from me, far away. I’m trying to give you a chance to run from this, don’t you understand?”
He smiled. “Yes, I understand but I will never run, not from you, no matter what.”
“You’re a fool!” I exclaimed, wishing he’d realise what I was trying to tell him.
He held my chin firmly between his fingers, making me look up at him, his expression fierce. “No, that I am not but I will have you, whatever the cost.”
“You have no idea how high the price will be,” I said softly.
“Walk with me,” was all he said and I did as he asked. We walked down the river to a waterfall. There were great rocks at the bottom and the water tumbled down, cascading over them and rushing past us, hurrying on to its future, just as we were tumbling in free fall now, only he didn’t know it. There were large boulders along the bank and we climbed over them, watching the water gushing past so swiftly at our feet. It was a sacred place, where people gave offerings to their gods and I felt nervous, as if their eyes were upon me. He sat me up on one of the large boulders before sitting beside me, and we talked. He told me of his life, his work, his ambitions, which now included me.
I frowned and shook my head, feeling more lost and depressed as he spoke. “You will never have that with me, Corvus.”
He saw my expression and frowned in return. “Why?”
“Because I’m a witch! I will destroy everything you know. I cannot become a part of your life, not if you expect to live it among them, don’t you see? I had a destiny. I can choose it and I will be a part of that world until I have completed my work or ... Or I can choose you.”
He looked at me, puzzled. “Then choose me,” he said simply and I wanted to cry with frustration.
“I already did but if you want me, we have to run. We have to leave all of this behind and go away from her
e. Maybe if we run hard enough, if we keep moving, we can escape them.”
He wasn’t listening to me, or at least he only heard the part he wanted to hear. “You choose me?”
“Yes, yes, always but--”
My words were stolen along with my breath as his mouth pressed against mine, firm and warm and soft. The touch of his lips sent a rush of desire bubbling through my veins. The feel of his tongue as it traced my bottom lip wrung a gasp from me as I craved his touch and clung to him in return. My hands tugged at his hair, pulling his head down to me, wanting more, needing more, as I returned his kiss with all the desire that had been building up inside of me since the first time I had seen him. I couldn’t stop. I revelled in the feel of his arms around me, his body pressed against me, banishing the goosebumps that fled in a wave of heat that brought a flush to my skin. The sensations urged me on until he let me go, holding me away from him as I would have carried on and devoured him without stopping for breath.
“Gods,” he murmured softly, looking at me with a mixture of surprise and desire.
I laughed at his expression and shook my head. “And yet, you still don’t understand,” I whispered in his ear before claiming his lips once again.
Chapter 57
I awoke to find it was morning. Someone had pulled the curtains and a grey sky, with clouds that hung low in the sky, trailing mist over the tree tops, was all that was visible. Whoever had been with me had gone, though his presence lingered. The cold was still with me, seeping into my bones but the pain had receded for now. I wasn’t naive enough to believe it wouldn’t return, not any more.
I struggled to sit up, the dream still fresh in my mind, the feel of Corvus in my arms. It had been so real and I cursed myself as I realised I had known that it would come to this, even then. I had tried to stay away, tried to warn him but we were like magnets, each irresistibly drawn to the other and nothing could keep us apart.
As far as I was concerned, nothing had changed.
I spent the rest of the day staring into a point in the far distance, noticing nothing but seeing everything. Every moment in the last few days he had realised that he must leave me, had known that each time we were together we were drawing closer to the end, and yet he had hidden it all from me. I remembered Christmas with tears streaming silently down my face and stroked Max's ears. The big cat lay at my side, his breath huffing softly against my arm. Even he had been given to me because Corvus wanted me to be safe, knowing the creature would be unswervingly loyal, would die for me, as Corvus wouldn't be around to do that any more.
The Heart of Arima. Page 42