“Please,” he added as an afterthought.
“Bastard!” I flung the duvet at him and stormed off to the bathroom.
I may be furious but I had to concede he was right on one point, I did stink. A glance in the mirror didn’t make me feel any better. My hair was matted and I could see Rodney’s blood dried in the tangles. My eyes were hollow and too big for my face which was gaunt and pale. My gaze trailed lower, and reached the base of my neck. The tattoo was gone. I checked my wrists to find they too were bare. The pain was too much. I couldn’t cry. I just stared in disbelief at my bare skin, at the place where the marks of our bonding should be. I had railed for so long against it, against him. I had been such a fool.
Be careful what you wish for, Jéhenne.
Eventually I moved, going through the motions like a robot. I turned on the water, as hot as I could bear it, and scrubbed every inch of myself and washed my hair until it squeaked. The water began to cool and I turned off the taps but just stood there, stupidly, wondering what the hell to do now. I missed Corvus with a pain that made it hard to breathe, let alone think. I would not think of him as dead. No matter what, he was not dead. It was far worse than that; he needed me and I would save him, no matter the cost. I didn’t care what I had to do, who I had to kill, I would get him back. The thought, not only of a life without him but one where I would have to get up close and personal with Lucas on a regular basis was just too much to comprehend. I started to cry, standing shivering under the dry showerhead but too full of pain and misery to take the small step out of the doors to the towels.
There was a soft knock at the door.
“Are you OK, Jéhenne?”
“What the fuck do you care?”
I heard a sigh. “Please don’t cry. Get dressed and come out here. Maybe ... Maybe we can talk.”
“What, and you’ll make it all better?” I sneered at him.
“Believe me when I tell you that I wish, with all my heart, that I could do that, but no. Just ...perhaps it would help to talk to someone.”
I stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel. “All of my clothes are out there,” I sobbed.
“Oh. Hold on.”
There was another knock and I opened the door a crack. Lucas stuck his hand through the gap with a clean pair of jeans and a jumper and an assortment of underwear. I was too wretched to feel embarrassed about that, and just took them, shut the door and got dressed.
I came out of the bathroom to find him sitting up on the bed with his eyes shut. He opened them and looked at me warily. I felt a very small measure of guilt at keeping him awake as he was obviously tired.
“I’m going to get him back.” I stood with my arms crossed, waiting for him to tell me I was being a fool, that it was impossible but he just looked at me and nodded. He looked ...sad.
“I know.”
“How ... How did you know that?”
“Because you love him and I can feel how it tears you up to know that he is suffering on your behalf.”
I felt a lump form in my throat. “You can feel that?”
He nodded. “I am your second, Jéhenne. You have not learned yet how to shield your thoughts and feelings from me. I know much of what you are feeling and I am sorry for it.”
I could tell he was sincere. I didn’t think he had it in him.
He shook his head. “It surprises you that I miss him too?”
“I--I guess, yes it does.”
“He was my father, Jéhenne. I may have resented him but I always loved him.”
It was something that I hadn’t stopped to consider. I knew the family was devastated by the loss of their Master but that they, and Lucas in particular who had been with him longer than any of them, had lost their father simply hadn’t occurred to me.
“I’m sorry, Lucas, truly ... I didn’t think.” I felt a tear slide down my face.
“Oh gods, don’t cry. You’ll start me off.”
I laughed despite myself and dried my eyes on my sleeve.
He looked at me curiously. “You think I haven’t wept for him?”
“Have you?”
“Yes.”
“Good. I’m glad.” I was. Somehow it made him seem more human, for lack of a better word.
“Jéhenne, I won’t try and stop you but what you were told about Tartarus, it’s true. He won’t be Corvus anymore.”
I shook my head. I didn’t want to hear this. “No ...”
He got off the bed and took hold of my hands. “Listen to me. You must understand what you are getting into. He will be out of his mind. Tartarus is a terrible place, more terrible than anything you could possibly imagine and I agree we must get him out but, Jéhenne, I think ... I think we should ask Sariel to put an end to him. He can give oblivion to the tormented, Jéhenne. He would simply ...cease to exist- in any form.”
“No! Never ... No!”
I smacked his hands away and turned my back on him. I wouldn’t hear this, wouldn’t listen, but he took hold of me by the shoulders and turned me around.
“How will you cure him of the madness? He will be just as powerful as he was and the rightful Master of this family. He could take the power away from you, take back control of the family, what then? What will you do with a madman in control of thousands of vampires?”
“I don’t know, Lucas, I don’t know. There must be a spell, something ... There must be a way! Please ...?” I burst into tears and to my surprise he pulled me into a rough embrace. “Please, Lucas, you have to help me. Say you’ll help me.”
“Yes, I’ll help you. I am your second. I will do whatever you ask of me. I will bring Corvus home for you. But you have to promise that if it gets too bad, if there is no hope for him, we give him peace.”
I nodded. “I promise. If there is truly no hope ...but, Lucas, I won’t give up easily.”
He laughed and it was a good sound, one I had never heard from him before. “That I knew. I’ve never met anyone as pig-headed as you.”
I looked up at him, searching his face. “He left instructions for you didn't he? He ordered you not to help me.”
“A man can only serve one Master, Jéhenne, and now ...you are mine.”
I looked up at him as the tears streamed down my face to see that he was crying too.
“You promise? Swear it to me,” I demanded.
“I swear it, Jéhenne, I will follow you in to hell if that is what you want.”
Chapter 59
I felt like I had been asleep my whole life.
Even now I spent my days in a foggy haze. I stumbled through them, going through the motions of everything that was familiar to me, preparing medicines and spells, collecting herbs, cooking, cleaning ... I tried to convince my mother that nothing had changed, that I was working towards my great destiny, though I felt her sharp green eyes watch my every move. I did everything just as I did before but now I was waiting, always waiting for the next time I would see him. I waited for the moments when I was truly awake and alive, when I was truly myself.
I would wait for him down by the river, anticipation thrumming in my veins for the sound of his footsteps. I had no experience with men. I had never been interested. My destiny and the visions that guided me to it had been everything, all consuming and the menfolk around here were far too afraid of me to try and persuade me otherwise, but Corvus didn’t know that. He was new to this place, he hadn’t heard the whispers, seen the glances and hidden signs people made when I passed by. He didn’t see the protections against me, to ward off witchcraft. I wondered what he would think when he did. It was only a matter of time. I wondered if it had already begun.
I had felt he had something on his mind yesterday. I’d been so happy to see him but it was bitterly cold. The winter was biting now, and I had shivered in his arms.
“Come home with me, it is warm and comfortable and you need not wear so many layers,” he teased, tugging at the heavy fabric of my cloak.
I grinned at him, clutching it tighter as
a cold wind snatched at the corners. “You know we can’t.”
He sighed and shook his head. “I know you won’t.”
“Corvus, we have been through this. You have servants, people come and go. They will see me and they will talk, the kind of talk that would hurt you. Your Emperor is bringing Christianity to our world, crushing all talk of the old ways, the old religions. Do you really think the news that you are with a witch would be welcomed by your superiors?”
“Then renounce it, leave it all behind and start afresh and then we could stop hiding.”
I had looked at him in shock. He really didn’t believe. He thought it was something I could choose, like deciding if I would turn left or right. My path had been mapped out for me before I was born and every step I took off of that path led me into danger and him with me. He had seen the look on my face, known that I would never do what he was asking and I knew he didn’t understand. He knew I was in love with him. I had long since given up trying to pretend otherwise so my stubbornness was something he couldn’t really comprehend. I wanted to be with him but I wouldn’t stop doing something that was a danger to us both. I wondered if he would grow tired of this, of meeting me in the cold, in secret.
There were plenty of others who would willingly go to his warm bed, others who had no secrets to keep.
I had to tell him the truth, show him what I really was. The thought of it made my stomach clench. What if he hated me for it, what if he was like all the others who would condemn me, burn me?
I didn’t want to see him look at me with fear and hatred, couldn’t bear it if those blue eyes watched me with anything less than desire and affection- love even? Did he love me? I asked myself the question everyday and when I was with him, I felt I knew the answer but he never said the words and when we were apart I would worry. Perhaps he was with another, perhaps he would fall for a woman who didn’t have to hide what she was. She would be someone he could marry and be proud of, who would give him children and a future. I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to give him what he wanted, no matter how much I wanted to myself. Just being together had sent my visions reeling in turmoil. I dreamt of fire and blood and death ...and yet I did see a future together. I just didn’t understand what I was being shown. I didn’t know what it meant. I only knew I could no more stay away from him than do what he asked and stop being a witch.
We had said goodbye and he had kissed me, a kiss that made my blood run like lava in my veins, and yet I knew he was angry with me, disappointed. I had gone home feeling miserable, feeling like I was going to lose him. I wouldn’t let it happen, I couldn’t. I couldn’t bear it. I would tell him the truth, I would show him what I really was and then, and then ...
Anxiety swirled in my stomach like a sickness. I hadn’t slept. Every time I closed my eyes I was tormented with the same images; blood and fire, they were drawing closer. I needed to act now before it was too late and I lost him forever.
I heard movement behind me and turned to see him standing close. I had been so lost in thought I hadn’t heard him approach. He smiled at me and I felt my heart leap in my chest. I closed the distance between us, flinging myself against him and holding him tight. He laughed, tipping my head back.
“Miss me?” he asked.
“Yes, yes, so much.”
He chuckled and lowered his mouth to mine. I was cold, so cold from standing and waiting for him and he burned against me, his mouth so very warm against me, on my lips, against my neck, as they trailed to my shoulder. I shuddered with pleasure. “You’re late,” I moaned, tilting my head to let him continue his path.
“I have a surprise for you.” I could feel him smile against my neck. “Come.”
He led me out of the trees where I had waited and walked me to where his horse was tied, cropping at the richer grass that grew by the river. He mounted and lifted me to sit in front of him.
“Where are we going?”
He just grinned and we rode away from the river. He crossed the landscape that was familiar to me, skirting the village and plunging into the woodland on the far side. We were soon off of the familiar paths and I frowned as we headed deeper into the trees. Eventually he stopped and tied up the horse. “We have to walk from here.”
I looked at him perplexed but followed without question, until we arrived at a little clearing and a small round house, lost in the trees. By the looks of things it had long since been abandoned but it was sheltered from the wind and rain by the dense woodland around it and the roof looked reasonably sound.
He grinned at me, looking positively boyish. “Not exactly home but ...out of the worst of the weather.”
“However did you find it? I have lived here all my life and didn’t know it was here.”
He shrugged. “I stumbled on it by accident. It must be fate.” He laughed but the word sent chills running over me.
He drew me inside and lit an oil lamp. The sweet smell of fresh straw hit me and I looked around to see the floor was strewn with it and in one part banked up, covered with a blanket, and there was wood ready in the hearth.
“This is why you were late?”
“Still cross with me?” He smirked and I laughed, shaking my head. He bent down beside the fire to light it but I stopped him.
“Wait.”
He looked up at me expectantly.
“Come here,” I said.
I took his hand as he stood and reached up to kiss him.
He frowned and pulled at my cloak again. “I want to light the fire, so you can take that wretched thing off.”
“I’ll light it,” I said softly, as the knots began to tighten in my belly. I waved my hand and a fire erupted in the hearth. He jumped back in shock before turning to stare at me.
I stood in front of him, trembling, sick to my stomach. I could see the look in his eyes but I didn’t know what it meant.
“I never lied to you.” I twisted the material of my cloak around in my hands, willing him to say something, anything, but he only stared at me. I fell to my knees in front of the flames, burying my head in my hands. I had lost him. I had risked everything and lost him and now he would tell the others and I would have to run ...alone.
I was so overwhelmed with misery that at first I didn’t feel his hands on me, until he lifted me and I looked up, startled. He picked me up and laid me down on the blanket before joining me, pulling me closely against him. I pushed away a little, enough that I could see his face.
“You didn’t believe me.”
“No, I didn’t,” he said.
“You do now?”
“I do.”
I couldn’t read his face, his voice, he didn’t sound angry but ...
“What will you do?”
“I don’t know.”
“Will--will you tell, will you leave me?”
He frowned at me, blue eyes stormy. “Why, in the name of the gods would I do that?”
“I don’t know.” I felt hot tears splash down my face. “I’m a witch! Men like you hunt us down, burn us. Is that what you’re wondering? If that’s what you should do?”
He grabbed hold of my wrists, pinning them over my head and I had no doubt of his emotions now. He was angry. “Is that what you think of me? Is that what you think I would do to you? What I am wondering is how in the name of the gods I can keep you safe? I have been hearing things, Jéhnina, things about you and your family. I thought ... I thought it was just gossip, that I could control it but ...now.”
I let out a breath. “Do you still want me?”
“Do I ...?” He looked at me in exasperation. “Gods, you little fool! Don’t you have any idea?”
I shook my head and he let me go, sitting up abruptly. “I have something for you.”
I sat up beside him, watching him anxiously. He still hadn’t answered the question and I really didn’t know. Perhaps he still desired me but ...
He held out his hand and I looked to see a flash of gold in the firelight. “For me?” I hardly dared touch it.
I had never seen anything so fine, so expensive. I couldn’t comprehend of the money it must have cost.
“For you.” He smiled and I felt my breath catch in my throat. I took it from him and smoothed my hands over the surface of the bracelet. A snake eating its own tail, an ouroboros, its eyes glittered as rubies caught the light and I ran my fingers over the tiny scales, picked out in bronze, silver and gold.
“There’s a catch to open it.”
Corvus showed me a tiny little indentation in the metal where the tail entered the snake’s mouth. I pulled it with my nail and the tail was released so I could put it on. He took my hand and slid the bracelet up my arm, fastening the catch again. “I keep seeing this symbol in my dreams. I’ve been seeing it ever since I first met you. It seems important but I don’t know why.”
I looked up at him, my heart pounding. “Life out of death, the cycle of renewal. The snake is eating itself but it doesn’t die, it goes somewhere else, somewhere unseen, but it will come back again and the cycle continues.”
He frowned at me. “What does it mean?”
I got to my knees and put my arms around his neck. “It means I love you and I will never, ever let you go,” I whispered and then I kissed him and he pulled me against him. “Are you going to make me ask?” I said it jokingly but my heart was in my throat.
He frowned. “You really don’t know?
“No.”
He smiled and shook his head. “You stole my heart that first day, hiding in the woods and watching me ride past, with that smile and those wicked green eyes. Now I give it to you willingly, completely. It is yours to keep, to do with as you will ...my heart.”
Chapter 60
I woke up clutching at the memory, trying to remember every detail.
My heart.
I could hear the words, his voice in my head and I remembered the bracelet. Life out of death. I struggled to wake fully. It was day time and the vampires were all sleeping. How on earth did Corvus manage to stay awake with the pull of so many slumbering minds tugging at his consciousness? Coffee sounded like a good idea but I had something more urgent to attend to and flung the covers off, hearing a grumble from the other side of the bed. I’d had little choice but to let Lucas stay and he had promised to behave.
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