Shamelessly Worth It

by Nickie Nalley Seidler

  Shamelessly

  Worth It

  This is BOOK 2 in the FOR ME SERIES. For the best enjoyment of this book, it is recommended you read Book 1, Somebody Worth It, before proceeding with this story.

  Copyright © 2014 Nickie Nalley Seidler

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any form by any means electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any other information storage and revival systems without prior consent from the author. Characters, places, events, that are portrayed in this book are all fictitious. I understand that if I share the author’s works I will be in violation of the copyright and can be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

  Author Message:

  This book is intended for a mature audience and not suitable for readers under 18. Language, sexual conduct, & adult situations take place.

  It may make you laugh, make you sad, make you happy, and may make you cry. Of course, the author isn’t responsible for these emotions! This book is fiction, meaning everything written was made up and is not real. This where people can fall in love in two chapters and fall out in one. Anything can happen in the world of fiction. Keep an open mind!

  DEDICATION

  To the people who went through divorce, here’s hope for you.

  To families who aren’t perfect.

  Everyone deserves to be happy no matter what your happily ever after is.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  This book was very difficult for me to write! The characters were really emotional and it put a strain on me! It took more time than I thought it would for just that reason alone. Plus, most of the time the characters didn't give me a clear direction! I hope you’re just as emotional reading it!

  I’d like to first thank my wonderful husband for being there for me always. I have such a great support system. I love you with all my heart. Thanks for cooking the nights I didn’t feel like it. Accepting me and my crazy mind while I try to explain my stories to you!

  To my Mother- thanks for constantly being my rock, my assistant, and my everything! I love you!

  To my author friends, Glenna- if it wasn’t for you this book probably wouldn’t be done! Thanks for being a great friend and keeping on my ass about everything! Love ya chick!

  FL Jacob- Another one to keep on my toes and give me amazing feedback and help with this book! Look forward to sharing a table with you in Nashville!

  Bev- Seriously a blessing to have come in my life! Thank you so much for helping me with everything BETA wise and just being a friend! You helped me get through this book and saw my vision. I hope we get to meet one day!

  To Brandy, Melissa, Dee, Victoria, Kim, oh brother the list goes on! Thank you for being there for me!

  For the love of God, forgive me for not naming everyone but being pregnant and having a pregnant brain has really made me forget so much!

  To all my BETAs thank you for your constant support and help with the process! To Bev, Glenna, Suzie, Lori, Felicity, Caiti…you all ROCK!

  Lastly to my street team, the Seidler Stars and bloggers to help get my name out there! We all know we wouldn’t be very far without our bloggers to help spread the word! To them, I am thankful!

  To my READERS! THANK YOU! I wouldn’t be ANYWHERE without YOU! You all rock and I’m so grateful for each and every one of you! Love you all!

  Cover Design by K. Keeton Designs

  https://www.facebook.com/KKEETONDESIGNS

  Editor: Beyond the Cover Editing

  https://www.facebook.com/beyondthecoverediting

  https://www.beyondthecoverediting.com

  The author acknowledges the use of the following:

  UNO, Malibu, Arizona, Wild Cats, Hilton, Ford, Explorer,

  Land Rover, Old Style, IHOP, Indiana

  http://www.brainyquote.com/

  Chapter 1

  “You don't develop courage by being happy in your relationships every day. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.” – Epicurus

  Millie

  The rain fell hard outside my hotel room window. It pelted off the overhang and poured down in buckets. I clung to my pillow and held it tightly to my chest. The thunder mimicked the pounding in my head and the lightning illuminated the pain written across my face. I was sitting in the dark, and that’s how I wanted to be. Everything in my life was crashing down around me. It was my fault, and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. The pain that stabbed deep in my stomach radiated all over my body. One would have thought I was outside being poured on in the cold rain the way my body shook. It had been three days, just three days since Dean left me in Arizona. I hadn’t heard one thing from him. It had been the longest three days of my life. I came home immediately after finding the cards scattered on the floor, and his suitcase gone. I knew he had read them. I knew he was hurt, but I didn’t think he would ignore me this long. Would he ignore me for the rest of our lives and forget what he saw? I didn’t want that. I brought those cards with me for a reason. I had planned on telling him on this trip. I did. I just never knew the right way. How do you tell someone you’re falling in love with again, fifteen years later, that he’s the father of your child? There wasn’t an easy way of letting that out. I had no clue how Dean was going to react, but the last thing I wanted him to do was find those cards without my explanation first. The last thing I wanted was for him not to feel my arms around him comforting him while I explained to him the hardest thing I’d ever had to go through in my life—the whys and the hows, the dos and the don’ts, the could haves and the might haves.

  As soon as I returned home, I explained to my mother what had happened. She didn’t quite understand, but I needed her to lie for me. It took everything in her to agree to do it. She wasn’t a liar, and she would never lie for anybody, but she understood where I was coming from. I didn’t want Kate to know where I was. Needing space, I checked into a hotel on the outskirts of town. I wasn’t ready to let Kate know. I wasn’t ready to talk about it with anyone. I needed to find Dean. I needed to talk with him before I spoke with anyone else. He needed to tell me he was okay and what he planned on doing from here on out. Would he plan to be involved in her life? How would this all unfold? I didn’t tell my ex-husband, Brian, anything other than the trip got extended. Nobody knew I was in town and I didn’t plan on leaving the hotel room. I’d called Dean a handful of times, but I knew he was avoiding me. I tried to give him some space, but not a moment went by that I wasn’t thinking of him. I had to see him.

  I picked up my cell phone and ran my fingers over the display unlocking the phone. I stared at his phone number long enough that the screen timed out and I unlocked it again, and again, and again. I knew I was going to call him, but I needed something to make him call me back. He needed to know we couldn’t avoid this forever and even though I wanted to give him space, he needed to respect the fact that I had an explanation to give. He needed to hear me out even if it hurt him. The last thing I wanted was to hurt him, but I had to explain. My finger ran over his number, and I clicked dial. To my surprise, he answered.

  “This is Dean,” he answered sternly, too sternly for me. A lot of background noise hovered on the phone line.

  “Dean,” I came off in a whisper-like voice. I was ashamed, embarrassed, scared.

  “This isn’t a good time, Millie.” I heard the background noise vanish.

  “There won’t ever be a good time. I need to talk to you, and I need to see you. Please, don’t shut me out. We need to handle this like adults,” I said softly, hoping for the best, crossing my fingers, toes and legs while I sat on the floor of the hotel room in the dark. Listening to the rain was supposed to be soothi
ng, but each raindrop felt like a dagger to my own heart, making it pump even faster not knowing what the outcome of this situation was going to be.

  I heard him sigh and I could picture him running his hand over his head pacing back and forth with that sexy stride he had about him.

  “Handle this like adults?” he chuckled into the phone. I could tell he was starting to get tense by the tone in his voice.

  “Please, Dean, just let me explain,” I begged. I pleaded with every bone in my body. I needed him to accept my offer. I needed him to hear me out.

  “Meet me at the lake in one hour . . . and no, I don’t care that it is raining,” he snapped, then hung up the phone.

  I placed the phone in my lap and stared at it. I knew what lake he was talking about. It was the same one we always used to hang out at back in the day. I had to gather my thoughts quickly. I planned it over and over in my head what I would say, but there wasn’t really a right way to go about it.

  I buried my head in my hands and let out a deep, frustrated sigh. My mind tried to focus, though it was doing anything but. I brought the pillow to my face and screamed into it. I held the pillow there for a second. If I just suffocated myself, would the pain go away? No, I couldn’t do that to Kate. She needed me, even though it could be very soon that I would lose her forever because she would not take my news lightly. I had to prepare myself for that, too. Then Brian, but first, Dean.

  It was late, so I knew the lake wouldn’t be too populated, not just because of the time of night but the fact it was raining. Thankfully, it let up a little bit, so at least it wasn’t pouring. I put on my gray sweat pants and slid my purple hoodie on and pinned my messy, un-brushed hair on top of my head. I wore no makeup so I could reveal my true self to him. I looked like hell, and I wanted him to see it. I wanted him to know it hadn’t been easy these last few days for me either. I knew he must look like hell too, but he needed to know he wasn’t the only one hurting.

  I grabbed my keys and set off for my Malibu. Once I was in the car I stared at myself in the rear view mirror and took in the bags around my eyes. I gripped the steering wheel tight and took in a deep breath. I had to calm myself. I couldn’t lose it in front of him. I just couldn’t.

  I took off towards the lake and parked in the far parking lot where I saw his car. I parked a spot away from it and took another deep breath. My tears were on edge of falling but I had to hold it together. I got out and put my hood up quickly as rain dampened my hair. I walked through the area where all the boats were parked on land and made my way to the trail that circled around the lake. I picked up the pace until I rounded the corner and noticed Dean standing in the gazebo that overlooked the lake. His hands rested on the railing and he was leaning forward, his head down between his arms, staring at the wet ground. I just wanted to walk up behind him and wrap my arms around him. I walked up next to him and he heard my footsteps. Immediately, he stood up straight while he looked over at me. His eyes were bloodshot, his hair was soaked, dripping from under a ball cap, and he looked like he hadn’t slept. He looked me right in the eyes and it was hard to hold his gaze.

  “Does she know?” he asked straight out. I could see the concern in his eyes.

  I slowly shook my head back and forth. “No,” I whispered.

  He stood in silence. I couldn’t tell his emotions. Was he happy? Was he upset? I couldn’t gauge it and that scared me. We had gotten to such a great point in our life and I was terrified that I had ruined it.

  “God, Millie, I have so many questions.” He shook his head, panicked, and confused.

  “I’ll answer anything you need to know.” I stepped a little closer to him, my nerves tearing up my stomach. I wanted to touch him, hold him, and make him feel my love. When I got close, he backed away. I got it. He was hurting.

  “Why now? I mean, why on this trip? Why not fifteen years ago? Why didn’t you tell me? How could you turn my life upside down like this?” He started to pace.

  “I tried. I tried to tell you so many times.” I squinted my eyes remembering each and every opportunity I tried to call Dean. Every time I tried, I couldn’t do it. The very first time I tried calling him, I was sure I was going to tell him. I had everything planned out word for word. I was still pregnant. The second the call connected and I realized it wasn’t him answering the phone—it was another woman—I hung up immediately. I couldn’t ruin his life. He was in California and already with someone else. I just couldn’t do it. I had Brian, who was more than willing to take the part. He thought the baby was his but the dates never added up. He didn’t know that. He never even thought or had a doubt in his mind that it might not have been his. He was in love with the fact we were having a child. Even though we were so young, he was ecstatic to take on this family and I didn’t want to crush him either. It was the most difficult choice in my life but I made it to better my family at the time. When Dean disappeared, I figured he would never want to look back. How could I have figured fifteen years later he’d walk back in my life? He hadn’t just subtly walked back in my life but came in like a damn race car jumping the line and being there for me . . . being there when I needed him most during my divorce. How could I have known this was going to happen to me? Wasn’t this fate, Dean and I? I just figured he would have lived his life, married and had kids in California. I didn’t need to complicate things. I was with Brian as it was. Hell, I was only eighteen years old, a damn kid. I didn’t know my consequences would come to beat me in the ass later on in life. I may have called this fate, but maybe it was just karma. I wanted so badly to tell him. That’s why I wrote those cards every year. I never had the guts to send them. Deep down I missed Dean every year he was gone from my life. Seeing Kate grow up and show more and more of Dean’s characteristics, I was certain she was Dean’s child. But the father Kate knew was Brian. How could I mess up her world as well? Every year that went by that Brian and I suffered in our marriage the more courage I had to send the cards. But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t do it. I was a coward. I was wrong. I knew that.

  “Millie, if you were to have tried, you would have contacted me,” he said calmly, but I could tell his patience wasn’t holding very much longer.

  “I called when I was pregnant. Another woman answered the phone and I ended the call and never called again. That was it for me. You had moved on from me, wanted nothing to do with me, and I figured you’d never come back to Indiana. You had your new life, your new girlfriend and your new home. I wasn’t about to barge in and ruin that for you. I had my life, I had my soon-to-be husband, and a life of my own. I was eighteen years old, Dean. I was young and dumb. I’m so sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner. I’m so sorry you found out the way you did.” The tears began to run down my face. I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I was so sorry that I didn’t know how to express it any more than the two pathetic words that they were. How did you tell someone with enough emotion that they knew you meant it? It was like an emotion that wanted to beat out of my chest to show him how much I didn’t mean to hurt him . . . how much I never knew this was going to happen. I told myself I wouldn’t lose it in front of him, and here I was . . . a huge sap.

  “You never thought I’d come back to you? I thought about you every damn day of my life, Millie. Every fucking day.” He paced throwing his hands in the air. “Yeah, I had a girlfriend. I wanted to get over you. I never thought I’d hear from you ever again, either. I needed to move on from you. But I couldn’t. It took me this long to gather up the courage after I found out you had a beautiful daughter and a beautiful wedding. You don’t think for one second that I was hurting from that? That I wished it was me?” I let out a breath. His words were coming out so fast. I had no clue he held this all in. “It took me three years after I found that out to start dating again and then another three years to attempt my own marriage. Then everything failed on me. I knew deep down there was no other woman for me but you.” He shook his head and held his hands on the railing, squeezing tight. His knuckles turn
ing white, he held on with his anger.

  The shock of his words hit me like a ton of bricks. He realized that there was never another woman for him but me? Holy shit on bricks. Me? Millie Weaver?

  I looked at him speechless, jaw dropped slightly, unsure of what to say.

  “Millie, I told you that I wasn’t going anywhere. You slipped away before and I told you I’m not letting that happen again. Now that I have you, I’m not going to lose you. Am I upset? Yes. Is the world going to end because Kate is my daughter? No. Where does life go from here? Does Brian know? Is that another thing I’m going to have to deal with? Just when I thought life might be getting easier, better, more in the right direction, it becomes complicated . . . very complicated. If you don’t want Kate to know, I’ll respect that.” He gulped down hard, like he regretted saying those words. The sweat on his forehead began to slide down his face. I could see the nerves kicking in.

  “I wanted you to know. I wanted to know if you wanted to be a part of her life as her father or not. You have the right,” I squeaked out, barely audible as it hurt me to admit that. It was killing me on the inside. I wanted to scream and run way from this situation, but I knew I couldn’t. Dean wanted me after all of this. He wasn’t running. He wanted to stay right here by my side and deal with whatever happened. Someone pinch me! I didn’t expect this. I didn’t want to cause any more pain. I didn’t know what was best. I just needed him to know.