Shamelessly Worth It

by Nickie Nalley Seidler

  He paced around some more while a huge clap of thunder boomed, making me jump. The rain fell harder and I moved closer inside the gazebo, away from the rain. I watched as it hit the ground swiftly. It almost made me go into a daze.

  “Millie, I’m not going to ruin my daughter’s life. If I walked into her life tomorrow and said, ‘Kate, I’m your father,’ she’d be devastated. Who knows what kind of counseling she may need to go through, or you for that matter, if I told her the truth. I couldn’t do that to Brian either. He’s the only father she’s ever known and he’s been a good father to her. I can’t break up your family. I’ll watch her from a distance and maybe someday it’ll come out, but not now. I respect her too much.” He stared at me right in the eye. It almost felt like he was trying to hurt me back. It wasn’t the answer I expected.

  “Dean, I never meant to hurt you. That’s the last thing I wanted. You have to believe me. I’m falling in love with you all over again and I didn’t feel like it would be right if I didn’t tell you about the one thing I’ve been trying to for fifteen years. I’m so sorry.” I started to cry. I couldn’t help it. I full out sobbed into my shoulder. Why did my life always have to be so damned complicated? As if this divorce wasn’t enough on my mind, I had to add to it. I had to make things even more confusing for everyone. I should never have kept this from anyone. Now it was like I was living a big lie to my family.

  Dean stepped up to me and wrapped his strong arms around me. He held me so tight to his chest and made me feel that much better. His arms felt like heaven . . . they made me feel safe. They made me feel loved. After everything I had just told him, he was still going to wrap me up in his arms and hold me.

  “Millie, I’m so pissed off right now. I just can’t believe you held this in for fifteen fucking years.” He pulled away from me, from our embrace. He took the ball cap off his head and flipped it, moving it around, distracting himself from the situation. I could tell he wanted to hold me but at the same time, he wasn’t sure. He had just confessed his absolute love for me, but I was sure it was mixed emotions at this point. “I wouldn’t even know how to be a father if I had to try. Look at the predicament you just put me in. Put yourself in my fucking shoes, Millie! What would you do? Huh?” He raised his voice making more tears puddle in my eyes. I could see the hurt in his. “For the love of God, please don’t cry. I want to comfort you but I can’t look at you right now.” He looked at me, then back out at the water. “Answer me! What would you do?” He yelled towards me. I could see the vein in his forehead popping out. He was angry, and he had every right to be.

  I shrugged my shoulders. I wasn’t sure what I’d do. I didn’t know what to tell him or know what he wanted to hear.

  “Unbelievable! Just unbelievable!”

  I whispered, “I’m sorry.” I ducked my head down in shame for being so stupid but knowing I couldn’t change the past. The present was here and he either had to embrace it, or walk away.

  “Sometimes sorry just doesn’t fucking cut it.” He placed his ball cap back on and shook his head. “I have to go.” He walked away from me and I just watched him. More tears ran down my face as I watched him disappear into the rainy night. My stomach was in knots and my head was still pounding, onlyharder. I sat on the bench and unleashed my ugly sobs. I didn’t want to lose Dean, but I knew he needed space.

  Chapter 2

  “I believe that two people are connected at the heart, and it doesn't matter what you do, or who you are or where you live; there are no boundaries or barriers if two people are destined to be together.” – Julia Roberts

  Dean

  My first instinct was to run the second I read through those Father’s Day cards, and that’s exactly what I did. I had hesitated on leaving, but I knew I couldn’t face her yet. How could she have done that to me? It hit me by such surprise, I didn’t know how to react. I was confused. My mind was trying to focus and rationalize the situation but my heart told me to run. Was Millie going to hurt me? Were we not supposed to end up together? I’d been in love with Millie for so many years. She didn’t know how deep a love I had for her. I came close to marrying a woman who really loved me, but I couldn’t get Millie out of my damn head. Did Millie have any idea what that was like for a man to have to go through? It’s like someone grabbed my balls and took them away from me. Then I found out that the same woman who I thought truly loved me and who I was about to marry, also cheated on me. The truth was, I was going to walk away before that, but her telling me she cheated was just the icing on the cake.

  There was only one person I was really close to in my family that I could talk to about anything. That person passed away and now I felt like I had nobody. My buddies wouldn’t have understood what I was going through. They’d have told me to run for the hills.

  After much thought, I knew I couldn’t run from Millie. I had to talk to her. I had to straighten things out. I was a Dad now, and if this was meant to be, I would man up and take on the responsibility. It took me a few days before I could come to terms with talking with her. There had to be more to the story on why she never told me. I still couldn’t put together why, but I knew she’d tell me.

  This woman had my heart. Holding her in my arms, I let her have her moment. I could tell by looking at her that she was upset, sorry, and deeply wanted my forgiveness. I’d give it to her. I knew she wasn’t expecting me to ask her not to mention anything to Kate right now. That’s what I felt was best. It would destroy Kate’s life if she found out I was her father and Brian wasn’t. I didn’t want her to go through that being in high school and an emotional teen.

  I was soaked by the time I walked through the park and back to my car. Anger coursed through my body. I couldn’t control it at this point. I just needed to get away from her. Even though she didn’t lie to me, she’d been lying to her own damn family all these years. I felt the wrath of it. I felt betrayed. The woman I was falling in love with all over again, whom I had never stopped loving, whom I had just made love with, lied to me by omission. I got in my car and fled back to my townhouse. The rain eased up a little bit. I parked in the garage and walked into my mud room. I threw my ball cap down and ran my fingers through my wet hair. Kicking my shoes off, I stepped into the kitchen. Placing my hands on the island in front of me, I took a moment to just think about what happened. For some reason, Millie was stuck in my head. If this had been someone else, I was more than sure my feelings would have thrown themselves out the window. But not with Millie. I was fighting the urge to just go back to the park and take her over my knee. I was horny, I was upset and just wanted to act like this hadn’t happened, but it did. I had a freaking child! How would I make this work out? I’d never felt my emotions to be so confusing. I wanted to tell Kate, but then I didn’t. I wanted to be a part of her life, but I didn’t have the slightest clue how to accomplish that. I didn’t want to hurt my daughter before I even got to know who she really was.

  I needed a drink. I grabbed my car keys off the counter and my hat, and made my way back outside. Speeding off to the local bar, I figured wouldn’t be too busy.

  The quick ride there left no time to think about my situation; it just made me want to drink away my problems. I slammed the door shut and stood looking at what appeared to be a broken down bar, but it was just really old. The Old Style neon sign hung out over the door. The name of the place was above the sign, reading Tasty’s in bold white letters. I shrugged my shoulders and made my way inside. The bar was pretty much a hole in the wall joint. There were pool tables, dart boards and a few tables with mismatched chairs along the wall. One older lady was bartending and just a few people sat on stools. I dragged my feet over to the bar and grabbed a stool towards the end of the bar furthest from the door. I looked up to watch the basketball game playing on TV. Miss red hair and tats came walking to my end.

  “What can I getcha?” She crossed her arms. Something told me it had been a long night for her.

  “Whiskey on the rocks.” I slid my ten d
ollar bill across the bar towards her. She took the money and gave me my change while she poured the liquid necessity in front of me.

  She walked down the bar to fill some other drinks while I stared at the TV screen ahead of me and took a sip of my whiskey. I felt the burn travel down my throat but I welcomed it from the pain I was feeling in my life. It was a good burn and one that might wash away my troubles temporarily.

  Well, they were washing away slowly with this drink until one person walked in the bar.

  “Hey, hey man! How’s it going?” Mr. Weaver sat down next to me on a bar stool while patting my back. “Long time no fucking see, dude!”

  I rolled my eyes mentally to myself. If this night could get any worse, it was going to be epic now.

  “Brian, how’s it going?” I looked over at him forming a crooked smile across my face. I took my glass and gulped the rest of the whiskey down.

  “I’m surprised to see you back in town. How’s life?” He whistled for the bartender and she came walking over. He ordered a couple beers and bought me a drink. Who would have thought this man, who didn’t even know his future was going to hit him with the worst news of his life, would be buying me a drink?

  I thought before responding and decided that he didn’t realize I was the Dean that was his ex-wife’s boss. The woman I was once again falling deeply for and the father of her child. The child he thought was his.

  “Life is great, man. How are you doing?” I decided to bullshit back and forth, keeping it simple.

  “Ah, well, lost the woman I loved to divorce, raising my bratty teenager who has a mouth like a sailor . . . I guess it’s just payback. You know what they say, your kids will act like you someday!” He chucked back his beer, downing it. “Work is all right, I’m a salesman down at the dealership in town.” Apparently he was on talk mode, even though I wanted to mute his mouth and be by myself.

  “Sorry to hear about that.” If I kept going this route and acting like I didn’t know some of these things, it would come back to bite me in the ass if I didn’t start telling him I knew him from his ex-wife, who worked for me. “I thought you knew, Millie works for me.” I looked over at him to watch his smirk turn to confusion written all over his rough, unshaven face. I think it took a while before he let it sink in who I really was. This conversation was either going to go really well or really badly. I was thinking the latter. As I watched, I could tell he was trying to figure out the connection and wondered what all I knew.

  “Huh, so wait a minute, you’re Dean Parker from high school and the same Dean who hired my ex-wife?” His glance shot daggers. His lips pursed together and he bobbed his head up and down. “Well, I didn’t put two and two together ‘til now. Interesting.” He chugged on another one of his beers. You could feel the tension growing thick in the room around us. Now I felt awkward and had to be careful what I said when all I wanted was to just sit at a bar, drink, and be alone.

  “Yeah.” I nodded while I drank my second whiskey. “So, how is um…” I caught myself before I finished the sentence. I knew I needed to be super careful. “How’s your daughter doing? I’m sure raising a teenager isn’t easy.” It actually pained me to say “your daughter” when I wanted to scream from the mountain tops “she’s mine!” But that wouldn’t go over well. Hell, it was still weird saying she was mine.

  He belly laughed, “Well, she has her teen moments, but she’s a good kid.” He shrugged his shoulders, completely clueless. “What about you? You married with kids?” He breathed a little heavy under his ragged voice.

  Now, this had become a lie fest. How could I answer the question without lying? This was going to be harder than I imagined it to be, especially because when he found out I lied, he was going to want to kick my ass. More than likely he’d be kicking it for different reasons. Maybe I’d luck out and he’d understand. Nah, I doubted it.

  “Nope.” I answered plainly. I didn’t want to discuss the topic any further and the faster he changed the subject, the better.

  “No woman either? Man…must be lonely.” He shook his head back and forth.

  “Lonely looks like it’s currently suiting your lifestyle, too,” I answered, bringing the glass up to my face to sip some whiskey. The burn was getting more bearable now. I prayed the liquid didn’t give me courage.

  “Drink to that.” He raised his beer and clanked the glasses. The conversation got quiet and I knew it was my queue to leave.

  He spoke up as I was getting out of my seat.

  “You see, the awesome thing about having a teenager is that they talk to you about things going on in their life. One of the things that was brought to my attention was that Mommy has a new boyfriend.” He turned his head watching me. “Kate said it was some guy she works with. Now, I don’t know about you, but that seems to be like a guy named Dean.” He downed the last of his beer and clanked the bottle down hard on the counter top. He turned, stood up and faced me. He grabbed the collar of my shirt and brought me in close to where I could smell the alcohol reeking on his breath. “You wouldn’t know anything about that now, would you, Dean?” His wide-eyed expression bored into me with his harsh tone.

  I pushed away from him and glared right back at him. There were many things I wanted to do and say right then but knew to keep my mouth shut, even though I wanted to punch that smirk right off his fucking face. “I’m sure you should take those accusations up with your ex-wife first to make sure they’re true. Have a great night, Brian.” I grabbed my keys in my hand, dropped a twenty dollar tip on the bar and walked away.

  I sat in my car and grabbed the water bottle sitting next to me while I gulped it down in one sitting. What was I supposed to say? I was lying from the start and it just kept going. It wasn’t something I could tell him without Millie doing that first. It’s her responsibility to deal with her ex, not mine. I didn’t want to be strung up in the middle of it. The more I sat there and tried to put the situation in the back of my mind, the more complicated it got.

  I headed home and parked in the garage. The sky was clear and the rain had finally stopped. I kicked off my shoes, and my cat, Winston, greeted me at the door. He was all black with white paws. I reached down and gave him some pets and put some food in his dish before making my way to the living room to collapse on the couch. Kicking my legs up on the coffee table, I turned on the TV, but I wasn’t paying much attention to it. My mind drifted off thinking about Millie again. I knew it was 2:00 a.m. and I had work in a few hours, but I decided to work from home today. I really couldn’t stand the thought of seeing her right now. As much as I wanted to, I just couldn’t. I was too mad. I didn’t want to say anything I’d regret, especially over the conversation Brian and I had tonight. Things were going to get ugly soon, I could tell. My phone began beeping. I took it out of my pocket and swiped the screen, unlocking it. It was a missed call from my brother. I scratched my head thinking it was odd that he called. I had the typical brother that only called when he needed something. My whole family was like that. Now that they had seen how successful I’d become, they immediately wanted my help. I didn’t shut them out because they’re family, but I kept to myself. Success to them was acquiring a full time job that paid more than minimum wage.

  ~*~

  A few days passed and I decided heading into work would be better than sitting my ass at home alone staring at the blank walls. The weather was beautiful starting into spring, and I was looking forward to spending much needed time outside in my free time. I hadn’t spoken to Millie since that night in the lake and today would be the first day I’d see her. I was actually kind of nervous to see her. I wasn’t really angry at her anymore. Whatever would happen would happen at this point. It was what it was. It was an early morning and I was here before anyone else in the office . . . well, anyone but Millie. As I walked past the cubicles, I noticed her head above one of the cubicle walls and sure enough she was there early working and typing away at her computer.

  Apparently, she’d kept herself busy while
I had been away. I had sent her tons of emails to catch up on all work-related things so she actually was probably overwhelmed from it all. I’d have to discuss them with her at some point today. The wheels on her chair rolled back and she poked her head around the corner catching me walking towards my office. Stopping dead in my tracks, she looked right at me. I could tell she was shocked to see me and a cat must have caught her tongue because all she did was stare. I had to bite my lip, she looked so fucking beautiful.

  “Good morning.” I muttered.

  Her lip perked up from dropping open and she smiled. “Morning, Dean.” She rolled back into her desk and began typing away at the computer.

  I walked into my office and took my suit jacket off and hung it over the chair. I opened my briefcase and took out my laptop and plugged everything in. I powered it up and got ready for the day. I sorted through my paperwork and organized what I needed to accomplish by the end of the week.

  Sitting down in my desk chair, I turned facing the window looking out at the sunrise for a second while my computer booted up. When I turned around, Millie was standing right there in front of me. She took me by surprise so I jumped a little in my seat. God, she looked so freaking beautiful. She was wearing a grey pencil skirt and white blouse with a long pearl necklace. Her hair was straight down her shoulders and she was sporting a mischievous grin on her face. Those beautiful ocean blue eyes sank into my soul. She just had that effect on me, the same one I remembered from high school. My eyes wandered down her body noticing the first two buttons undone on her blouse.