Shamelessly Worth It

by Nickie Nalley Seidler

  “Yesterday, they let me and two others go.”

  “Dad! What’s going to happen to your apartment?” Kate asked sounding concerned. Frankly, I was a bit concerned too.

  “Dad will figure it out. Don’t worry about that squirt.” Brian smiled at Kate.

  I minded my own business and tried to let the thoughts pass out of my mind. What was he going to do? Even though it wasn’t my business anymore I still cared about him. I knew that there wasn’t anything I could do about it. As dinner was being cooked and Kate and Brian hung out, I couldn’t help but still think about what Brian had to discuss with me. Then my mind floated to Dean and when he’d be coming over and how this night was going to turn from great to shit in a matter of minutes.

  “Dinner’s ready.” I placed the plates out with toasted garlic buns and my homemade sloppy joe mix with a fresh salad and some potato chips. Kate and Brian made their way over and took a seat. Brian almost began to sit at the head of the table until he realized he was a guest in this house. He sat next to Kate and I sat on one of the ends of the table while he thanked me for the wonderful meal. We all dug in and the more they ate, the more I lost my appetite. I was just nervous. This was weird as it was so soon after the divorce, my ex-husband was sitting down eating dinner like it was the old times.

  “Dinner was delicious as always. Thank you, Millie.”

  I nodded my head in appreciation for his compliment.

  “Look, uh, Kate, your Mother and I have some stuff to talk about. Why don’t you head to your room and finish up your homework.”

  Kate agreed, gave him a hug goodbye and paraded off to her room closing the door behind her. The house went silent and I tossed my napkin on the table while Brian and I just sat there and no words were being spoken.

  I broke the silence, “What are you doing, Brian? Why are you here?” I silently had a mini freak-out and the pit of my stomach began to bubble with nerves.

  He pushed himself back in his seat and crossed his leg. “Why didn’t you tell me you had a boyfriend?”

  I got up from the table willingly as I couldn’t really believe he was asking me this question. Dean and I hadn’t even been together that long . . . okay maybe that was a lie, but I wasn’t even considering him my boyfriend at this point. Didn’t he think I’d have the courtesy to let him know? Dean was also my boss. He worked with me from time to time and even from home and that was what Kate knew. I had to watch what I said. I grabbed the dishes and brushed off the excess food into the garbage while I filled the sink up with dishes and soapy water. I turned around, leaning on the counter behind me and stared him right in the eye. If he wanted the story he’d get one.

  “First of all, Brian, I don’t have a boyfriend. I can tell you I’m officially dating someone named Dean. I’m taking these dates slowly.” In my head I just replayed that line over and over again. Was I taking things slow with Dean? Hell, we’d already slept together and I already had dirty thoughts to do it again tonight. Ugh, who was I kidding? “Okay, scratch that, he is my boyfriend but for crying out loud, Brian, it hasn’t been that long to think I’d need to tell you yet. I’m sorry you heard it from Kate, but Kate wasn’t informed on the situation, she assumed it.”

  He pushed his plate closer to the edge of the table in my direction. He leaned in slightly and looked me right in my ocean blue eyes. “Millie, cut the shit. You’re either with him or you’re not. You didn’t even have the decency to tell me Dean was the same Dean from high school who also hired your ass. How long have you been hiding Dean for? I mean, had you been fucking him while we were still together? So soon, Millie?” He shook his head, cocked it to one side towards me. He was aiming for a fight and he was going to get one.

  “No, Brian, I’m not a scumbag like you are. I wouldn’t ever cheat on you!” My voice cracked remembering the pain he put me through. It hurt to even say it. “Dean didn’t influence my divorce one bit. You did that all on your own. Dean being there for me was what I needed. Our feelings took a different course after I divorced you. Don’t start this shit with me, Brian.” I grabbed his plate and threw it in the sink hearing it break into pieces. The door down the hall swung open.

  “Mom, are you okay? What happened?” Kate yelled down the hall.

  “I’m fine, go back in your room.” The tears welled up in my eyes and once the door closed they sprang free down my cheeks. If Dean hadn’t there for me I don’t know what shape I’d be in right now. He made me think of everything but what was going on in my life. He took my mind off Brian like a tornado tearing up my life and taking everything I needed out, out. He brought the positive out in me. He wanted me to heal and he was going to be there for me while I did. I loved Dean for that. I truly did. It hurt every time I had to remember that bitch Becky and just when I thought I could forget her, she showed her ugly face in perfect timing for me to divorce Brian for it. I didn’t deserve that and I certainly didn’t deserve a cheater in my life.

  After I knew her door was closed, I pointed my finger at Brian, trying so hard to contain my emotions. I could see I hurt him with my words, but what the hell was he expecting accusing me of that? “Get out of my house. This conversation is done with.” More tears flooded my face. Brian looked at me with his quaking shoulders and slack expression. He knew he hurt me. I could see his dull eyes filled with regret. Those eyes that I once looked into and confided in. The eyes I once could look into and fall so in love with him they took me right off my feet. Not anymore. They were just cold. Ice cold eyes shutting me out of his life but trying to drag me back in.

  “Millie…” His head slanted to the right and slowly shrugged his shoulders, offended by my statement. “I’m sorry…” He began and I quickly shut him up.

  “Don’t fucking ‘sorry’ me, Brian. You’ve done enough. Just leave.”

  He got up from the chair grabbing his wallet off the table and dragged his feet towards the front door. I followed behind him while he hung his head low making his way down the hallway. He swung open the door and a shocked, stopped dead in his tracks, eyes widened, and lost for words Dean stood with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. Brian’s hand shifted back before I saw him take a swing. I screamed at him to stop. His fist hit Dean square in the jaw knocking him back. Dean took a look at Brian and held in his fight. He cracked his neck from side to side and moved his jaw around, ignoring the pain I was sure he felt. I could see his anger boiling, his vein popping out of his neck. That bad boy protector that Dean had was trying to crawl out of his skin, but didn’t. He just stood there now holding the flowers towards the ground while they just stared each other down.

  “Get the fuck out of here, Brian, now!” I yelled.

  “Mom, what’s going on?” Kate spoke from behind me.

  “Kate, go back in your room, now!” I demanded.

  Dean looked at me and I knew he could tell how hurt I was. Not physically, but emotionally. From this entire mess unfolding before me I couldn’t keep my cool anymore. I looked at Brian, then Dean and flew into the house. As soon as I made it into my bedroom, I slammed the door behind me, leaving the men to themselves. I let my legs give out on me and slowly sank to the floor. My hands hugged my head and tears sprang freely. My heart pounded against my ribcage and my breathing escalated. The tears made puddles. I just wanted to accept how things were, but there was already tension and Brian didn’t even know the real news. I was thankful he didn’t figure it out, but I was terrified he would. It just might have to be something Dean and I come forth about sooner than later. God, I was going to hurt everyone in my family. Kate was going to be devastated. I feared for my baby girl that things weren’t going to be great between us anymore. It was all my fault. I didn’t have anyone to blame but myself. I did this.

  “Millie, sweetheart, open the door.” Dean’s soft voice came through the woodwork. I didn’t want to shut him out but I didn’t want to deal with anyone right now. My life was falling apart around me and I couldn’t help but cry about it. Everything that stood be
tween us hurt us. The love we used to have, was it the same? Would our love fix everything? I slowly stood up and opened the door. I couldn’t look him in the eye. I couldn’t believe that Brian punched him. I didn’t want to look at him. I hung my head low and fidgeted my hands to my neck trying to cradle myself from the pain I was feeling from the moment. He placed his gentle hands around my waist and pulled me into him. I dropped my head to his shoulder and just cried. He held me and didn’t say a word. He knew I needed this. My eyes got puffy and my face flushed. He always knew what I needed like it was some unspoken thing we had going on. I took my hands and wrapped them around his waist as he curled his arms around my shoulder holding me close to him. So close I could hear his heart beating through his toned chest.

  “Mom…” I heard her delicate voice behind Dean’s back. I looked up from Dean and stepped back from him.

  “I’m okay.” My voice trembled.

  “Why are you crying? What’s wrong?” I walked up to Kate and held out my arms as she walked into them giving me a warm hug.

  “Dad and I were just having a disagreement. It’s okay. Don’t worry about our problems. They have nothing to do with you. It’s between us adults.”

  “I’m done with my homework. Can I hang out with Ben for a little bit?”

  “Go ahead. Be back at nine, please.” I looked at her while she smiled and took off to make a call on her cell phone.

  “I mean it, 9:00 p.m. you better be walking through the front door.” I yelled.

  “Thanks, Mom!” She yelled back before exiting the house.

  I looked at Dean and he lifted me off the ground grabbing underneath my ass and carried me over to the bed laying me down. He sat next to me on the bed, slowly leaning down before pressing his lips to my cheek, then traveled his kisses around my face. He was gentle and sweet. I just wanted to cuddle with him and have him make me feel better about this whole situation. Finally, his lips met mine with passion while I moaned quietly into his mouth.

  Wrapping my arms around his neck, I brought him even closer to me. He lay next to me on the bed, wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling me towards him. I felt safe in his arms and I didn’t want him to leave. I just wanted to feel his soft lips all night pressed to mine taking my mind off everything, like he was so good at.

  Dean trailed his finger down my face and wiped away the dampness that had spread under my eyes. My hand reached up to his face and over his jaw while I frowned, his eyes sunk into my stare. He shook his head and all I could think about was that this was my fault.

  “I’m fine, Millie.” He whispered.

  “He hit you. It’s all my fault.” My voice cracked.

  “Stop.” He grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “Millie, it’s only going to get harder from here on out now that he knows I’m in your life. I’m here though. I’m not going anywhere. I promise you that. You’ve been the sunshine in my life since I moved back home. I didn’t think it was possible for me to feel this way again fifteen years later, but when we’re together, it’s like we never even parted. It’s like old times and it’s the best feeling a guy could ever ask for. Brian is just jealous.”

  Chapter 4

  “You can never control who you fall in love with, even when you're in the most sad, confused time of your life. You don't fall in love with people because they're fun. It just happens.” Kirsten Dunst

  Dean

  I knew it was going to be hard to deal with this situation, but seeing Millie break down like she had was harder for me to handle than I thought it would be. I didn’t want Brian to keep acting like a dickhead just because I was dating his ex-wife. He needed to respect me and Millie, especially near his daughter. I knew that he’d always be a father to her and I couldn’t actually say that I was upset about it because he was a great dad. I was the one that was going to be fucking up this situation sooner than later, and I didn’t think I’d have many on my side other than Millie. Brian was going to have to accept it in enough time that I didn’t want to worry about him now. I worried about Millie though. She blamed herself for this entire thing. Yes, she held it back from us, but I could only imagine how, as each year passed, it became harder and harder to try to tell me or Brian. Brian was being a father to Kate in every way possible. It would have crushed him and I was not sure how I would have taken the news years ago versus finding out now. I was a stupid kid back then and I wasn’t sure what my reaction would have been. I was a firm believer in things happening for a reason and maybe the reason I found out now was more beneficial than years ago. But it didn’t mean I didn’t want to throat punch Brian after he hit me.

  I was quite excited for our evening tonight. I told Millie I was going to take her out on the town after we drove Kate and Ben to the One Direction concert. She told me to meet her at the house, that the door was open, and to make myself at home. She had some errands she had to run and would be meeting me there. I dressed in some dark jeans and a white t-shirt with casual gym shoes. We were going to have dinner by the lake. I planned on taking her dancing since we may be getting older, but we weren’t dead. It was an outside club and I couldn’t wait to have her body so close to mine.

  I pulled into the driveway and parked before the garage. Making my way inside, I closed the door gently behind me. I headed towards the kitchen to grab myself a bottle of water from the fridge. Passing the bedrooms, I heard a noise. I wasn’t aware that anyone would be here, so I took a step towards the door I heard the noise from. Being on alert with my fist ready, I opened the door.

  “Oh shit.” I looked directly in the eyes of my daughter with her legs in the air and Ben on top of her, both naked. I immediately closed my eyes, shook my head and backed out of the doorway closing the door. I heard them rustle with the blankets. Kate screamed out in shock. I walked briskly to the kitchen and opened the fridge for my water and took a huge swig. What the fuck did I just see? Holy shit! That was the last thing I wanted to see and have to deal with. I paced the kitchen and ran through my brain what I was going to do next. Did I confront Kate? How did I tell Millie? Did I act like it didn’t happen? Did I tell Ben to leave since Millie wasn’t here to do it? What would Millie do? Oh, God, this wasn’t good. Kate was going to hate me for sure now. I’d ruined everything . . . I knew I had.

  I heard the door close from the front of the house. Millie walked in, taking her sunglasses off and wearing a cute jean skirt and tank top. Carrying a bunch of grocery bags, I ran to help her, or rather stop her. I didn’t know what to do.

  “Hey, baby!” She smiled and leaned to kiss me with her soft lips. “You look like you saw a ghost, what’s up?”

  I pressed my lips together squeezing them tight hoping that it would make me think faster or smarter before I spoke.

  “Hey, um, hi baby.” I smiled trying so hard to keep my composure.

  “Spit it. What’s wrong?” She handed me the groceries. I grabbed them from her and placed them on the floor while I grabbed her shoulders.

  “You might not want to go towards the kitchen right now.” My words came out wrong.

  Her brow creased in confusion and her mouth parted slightly trying to read me. I so didn’t want to be the one to have to tell her, but I sure as hell wasn’t in any place to handle the situation.

  “Okay, Dean, this only works if you explain things clearly why I shouldn’t walk to the kitchen.” She became dramatic. I knew I was making her a bit worried.

  I rubbed my face breathed huge sigh of uncertainty. I closed then opened my eyes. “Kate is in there.” I pointed to her bedroom door twisting my head to that direction nodding while my eyes pointed in that direction silently. “With Ben…naked,” I whispered. I saw Millie’s eye widen in horror as she took off for Kate’s room. I flew after her grabbing her hand.

  “Wait!” I whispered. “I walked in and she saw me and I left. I didn’t know what to do. They haven’t come out since then.” I whispered even softer, flailing my arms around unsure of what was about to go down.

  “We
ll, they’re coming out now!” She yelled louder before barging into Kate’s room like a bat out of hell.

  “Ben! Out now! Kate, get dressed. You pick the night of your concert to screw yourself over? Now you’re not going. You…” she pointed to Ben. “Meet me in the living room so we can chat about this, now.” She whipped around and grabbed my hand. We took the groceries in the kitchen.

  “I’m sorry. I feel like I should have done something.”

  Millie looked at me. “I can handle it.” She grabbed some bags and started putting the groceries away.

  “Mrs. Weaver, I’m sorry. Look, don’t take away her concert. It’s my fault.”

  “Ben!” She raised her voice. “Go sit outside right now.” She was furious. I swore, if looks could kill . . . It was like she had smoke blowing out of her ass she was so mad.

  “Yes, Ma’am.” He walked to the patio door and let himself out to sit on the bench.

  “Mom! How could you?”

  She poked Kate’s shoulder and pushed her back on the couch.