Shamelessly Worth It

by Nickie Nalley Seidler

  “Millie, it’s fucking 2 o’clock in the morning.” He answered, pissed off. I could almost see the expression on his face.

  “Kate’s been in an accident. We’re headed to the hospital now. I don’t know anything yet.” I started to cry. My fists clenched up in a tight knot. It was typically how I got when I was upset. My whole body tightened. I could feel my heart slamming into my ribcage. Nothing had ever happened to Kate. She’d never had surgery, never anything more than a cut or bruise.

  “What? My God, Millie, I’m four and a half hours out! I’ll be there as fast as I can. Keep me posted.” I heard things crashing in the background and I was sure he was flying out the door.

  “I will.” I hung up the phone and Dean pulled into the emergency driveway. I hopped out of the car before he even had come to a complete stop. I ran through the doors and saw Ben’s mom right away. I rushed over to her and she was pacing the hall.

  “What’s going on?” I looked around with all the busy nurses scrambling between two rooms. I smelled the sterile clean environment and took a seat. I had to keep myself calm.

  “They haven’t said anything yet. All I was told was that Ben slammed into a tree.”

  “Oh, God, I hope they’re okay.” Tears started flowing between the two of us when Dean entered. He wrapped me in his arms and stood there while we waited as patiently as we could due to the circumstances.

  “Katherine Weaver’s parents?” A nurse yelled.

  I rose my hand up and stood to face her. “That’s me!” I made sure she heard me. “How is my baby? Is she okay? What happened?” I became frantic and Dean started rubbing my shoulders to calm me down. It wasn’t working.

  “We’re sending your daughter up to surgery right now. She’s ruptured her spleen and she’s lost a lot of blood. We will need to test you both to see if you’re compatible. Katherine has a rare blood type . . . AB-. We’ll need to do a transfusion as soon as possible. If you’ll come with me.”

  Surgery…spleen…lost blood…compatible…rare blood…were all the things running through my mind while I tried to comprehend what she was telling me. She hadn’t answered the one question I needed to know which was if she’d be okay. I looked at Dean and he was white as a ghost. I’m assuming that whatever that nurse just said flew over his head as well. Ben’s mom, which I haven’t even caught her name yet, watched us as we fled down the hall following the nurse.

  She took us into a room with just a chair and a million different containers and cabinets with God only knows what in them.

  “Please, I need to take your blood. Is this the father? I’ll need his, too.” She grabbed my arm and rolled my up sleeve before wrapping a tight band around it. She poked at my veins and took out some tubes of blood. “Do you smoke, do drugs or drink?” She asked bluntly.

  I was caught off guard, “Well, no, I have the occasional drink but that’s it. Can you tell me what’s going on?”

  “We have some blood for your daughter, but depending on how much she’s lost, we may need to transfuse more. We don’t keep that much of her blood type here at the hospital. As I said, it’s rare. We’re hoping this won’t be a problem and that one of you will be a match.”

  “Okay,” was all I could think to say.

  “Is he the father?” She asked.

  “No.” I shook my head. Then I realized, well, yes he was. “I mean yes. Yes, he’s the father.” Tears welled up in my eyes again and I cried for her, but for Dean as well. Kate didn’t even know he was her father and he was already having to do this for her. For all we knew, it may save her life.

  He sat in the chair next to me and held out his arm. Once she filled the last vial of blood, she started on him. She marked our names on the tubes and put stickers on them. I watched but my mind wasn’t there. It was wherever Kate was. I wanted to see her, hold her, and make sure she was okay. Knowing she may even need a blood transfusion scared the living shit out of me. I quickly realized she wasn’t okay and she needed us. I prayed for Brian, that he would get here in time, quickly, but also prayed for his safety. I knew he was far away but would hurry to get here as fast as he could.

  After she filled the vials of blood from both of us, we moved upstairs to the surgery waiting area. My mind ran a mile a minute with memories of my baby girl. I wanted so badly to just pick her up in my arms and hold her. Dean held me. Whether I was sitting in the chair, in his lap, on the couch, or pacing the room, he was right by my side. He was being my rock as usual. I seriously questioned the doubt I ever had about Dean and what he could possibly be withholding from me. He was the guy I’d been waiting for my whole life. He was the one who was there for me. Now he was even able to be there for his daughter.

  A few hours passed. I decided to go down to the cafeteria to get some coffee for Dean and me. I had to try to attempt to get my mind from going crazy playing the waiting game.

  ~*~

  Dean

  Saying I was worried would have been an understatement. I tried to keep myself together for Millie’s sake. She needed me to be her rock in case she broke and she was barely holding on as it was. Kate was her world, and lately had been a huge part of mine. I had been around quite a bit and we tended to get along fairly well. It had been rough sitting here, standing here, just being here in general knowing really nothing. How Kate was, how she would be, what happened . . . Hell, I didn’t even know how Ben was, either. His Mother wasn’t up here in this waiting area, so we could only hope he didn’t have to have surgery and he was okay. I yawned and took a huge stretch. When I opened my eyes, Brian stood in front of me. He looked rough, his hair was a shaggy mess, greasy and I could tell he was beat from the drive. I jerked away and stood up.

  “Sit down. Where is Millie?” He asked annoyed.

  “She’s gone to the cafeteria to get coffee.”

  “Where’s Kate?”

  “In surgery,” I answered quickly. I could tell Brian was not happy seeing me there and he really didn’t want to ask me these questions, but felt he had no choice.

  He sat down three seats away from me on the couch and roughed his hair up by raking his hand through it a few times. I let it be until I saw the nurse walk into the room and looked right at me. In that second, I knew it was going to be bad news. I just wasn’t sure if it was going to be bad news about Kate.

  “You saved your daughter’s life. I’m sure she will be so thankful. The doctor will be out soon to talk with you and your wife.”

  I gulped hard. The nurse started walking and Brian’s eyes moved quickly between the nurse and me. He stood up and stopped her.

  “What the fuck do you mean, ‘you saved your daughter’s life’? I just got here, how did I do that exactly?”

  The nurse looked at him confused and quickly responded, “No, sir, that man over there, her father, he saved his daughters life with a blood transfusion. He was her rare blood type. Who are you waiting for? I can have someone check in with you.” She smiled.

  I was pretty sure I saw the bright fucking room turn dark. Would I live past the five seconds after the nurse left the room? Brian’s eyes turned black. Literally, if one had ever seen the devil, I swore I just had. His veins popped in his forehead and I could see the sweat. I could see his anger boiling through his thick skin. This was it for me. We had waited for this moment and how it would unfold, and here it was staring me in the face like a blind cheetah about to be pounced on for dinner. This wasn’t the place, time, or hell even the explanation he should have right now. Where was Millie? I thought about that precious woman going through hell and back. She wouldn’t even know what was going to hit her again.

  The nurse left the room, and his hands were wrapped around my throat and my back was getting friendly with the cold wall behind me.

  Chapter 8

  “I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies.” –Pietro Aretino

  Millie

  “Get your hands off of hi
m!” I screamed at Brian rushing in the room noticing he had Dean pinned to a wall with his knuckles around his throat. What in the world were these two arguing about again? I quickly placed the coffees down and grabbed Brian’s arms as hard as I could pulling him away. He finally let go of Dean and I stumbled back.

  Brian looked at me, his eyes angry, but sadness weighed heavy in them. I looked back at him trying to figure out what the hell just happened. He poked Dean’s chest hard with his index finger in warning.

  “You’re not worth it.” He said barely audible before turning his gaze back at me and walking away.

  Once he had left the room, I looked at Dean who looked pissed off, but quiet. He mouthed to me something that I didn’t quite get. I shook my head, “What?”

  “He knows, Millie.”

  My mouth just dropped and I knew right then what he was talking about. He knows? My God, this wasn’t how this was supposed to happen. Our daughter was in surgery right now and we were supposed to be here for her. I pointed my finger at Dean, “Stay here. I have to go talk to him.”

  “Millie, the doctor will be out here any minute to talk to you. I’d prefer he talk to you.” Dean said annoyed at the whole situation.

  As soon as he finished his sentence, the doctor walked out.

  “Oh thank God, is she okay?” I rushed up to him.

  “She will be just fine. Surgery went well. When she’s out of recovery you will be able to go and see her. There were several complications and it may take her a while longer to recover. Thankfully, the blood was a match because she sure lost a lot of blood. We almost lost her, but he saved her life,” the doctor said, nodding his head once at Dean.

  “Thank you, Doctor.” A tear escaped my cheek, silently thanking Dean with my eyes.

  I looked at Dean, and flew out of the room to chase after Brian. I didn’t know what Brian was capable of at this point and what all he knew and didn’t know. That was the scary part. I could never figure out how things would go down. What way should it go down? It was impossible not to hurt feelings at this point. He was going to be devastated.

  I hurried down the hallway, punching the elevator button. Those damned elevators couldn’t go fast enough when you needed them to. I kept smacking the button hoping it would make it come faster, but knew that it didn’t work like that. I decided for the stairs. I pushed through the heavy metal doors and almost tripped on Brian sitting on the top step. His head was in his hands, and he wasn’t moving, but breathing heavily.

  “Brian.” I whispered gently trying to get his attention but hoping my soft and gentle voice would make him less angry.

  He didn’t answer me. I sat down on the stairs next to him and leaned my back on the wall.

  Brian raised his head finally and I could see something I wasn’t expecting to see. A tear stricken face. His face was so red, the tears looked like they burned an indent down his face, as if they were made of acid. They hurt me so badly, and I knew I was the cause of them.

  “Is it true?” He asked. “I’m not her father? I mean that’s what was insinuated to me. Tell me now.” His voice was deep, but rough.

  I looked at him for a long second before I tore his world apart. My heart was beating out of my chest and I couldn’t think straight. I didn’t know how much it would hurt me to tell him the truth, to finally have it out in the open.

  “Biologically speaking, Dean is her father. But Brian, you’ve been her father since she was born. I don’t want to take that away from you.” My hands shook. If anyone could see how worked up I was, they’d probably think I was having an anxiety attack, which I very well could have been on the verge of.

  He held up his hand, stopping me from talking. He got up from the stairs and started walking down them. When he hit the first landing he punched his fist into the wall.

  “Brian, stop. Let’s talk about this.” I pleaded from the top of the stairwell. My eye lids growing swollen and full with tears.

  He turned, looked at me dead in the eyes before killing me with his words. “I fucking hate you right now, Millie. Hate you. Leave me the fuck alone.” He turned to continue down the stairs.

  “It’s not about us, Brian! Your daughter is in the fucking hospital!” I shot back, angry, but I knew he’d be angry.

  “Daddy fucking Dean will save the day.” He opened the doors a floor below and walked out of the stairway. Tears sprang from my eyes and the water works began. I fell to the floor tucking my legs in close and, hovering by the wall, I had my moment. Between Kate on my mind and now this, I was overloaded with so much shit I didn’t know if I could handle it all. I didn’t think it would hurt me as badly as it was right now. I felt sick. I was hurting for Brian. He was hurting, and I could see it in that death glare he gave me. Those hateful words he used pierced straight to my heart, and he meant them. It tore at everything in me at that very moment. I got up from where I was sitting. This wasn’t over yet. Brian wasn’t going to just walk away like he always did, what he was always good at it. This was going to get discussed right now. I couldn’t leave myself sitting here knowing there was unfinished business to discuss. I had too much on my mind for this shit.

  I rushed down the stairs and sure enough he was getting in his truck. I knew the only way to stop him was getting in it. I opened the passenger door while he got in the driver’s side.

  “Millie, get the fuck out of my truck, now!” He raised his voice.

  “No.”

  “I’m not playing these fucking games, get out!” He yelled.

  “No, I’m not playing these games! Yeah, I said it. How many times are you going to walk away from me, Brian? When are you going to learn that walking away is the fucking cop out? I’m done with you walking away.”

  He slammed his fist on the steering wheel. “The whole fucking time, Millie! I’ve been played this whole fucking time like a damn whore on a stripper pole. How could you do this to me? Has she known too and this has been just one big fucking game. Don’t break your fake daddy’s heart? What about Dean? He fucking shows up outta nowhere! Yeah, he may have been father of the damn year up there in that hospital, but I know the real fucking asshole. He’s a fucking bad dude who did bad shit. I don’t want Kate around him. Way to go Millie. You picked father of the year all right!” He screamed in my face.

  My brow creased with confusion, but I quickly shook it off as Brian’s typical anger and blame game. “Oh typical, Brian. You have to come up with anything you can to keep me away from everyone to have me to yourself. Not anymore. We’re divorced! You don’t control my life anymore. Unbelievable . . . making shit up about Dean, the only guy who gives two shits about me!” My veins were pulsating my blood through my body as I got angrier. I felt I could punch him in the face right now, but knew that was going to be what I was up against the day the shit hit the fan. I just didn’t expect it to be when our daughter was lying up in a hospital bed. “No, Kate doesn’t know and if you have any fucking suggestions on letting her know, that would be fan-fucking-tastic.”

  “Yeah, everything I say to you is just some kind of fucking joke. Millie. I loved you more than my heart could love anybody or anything. You fucked it all up for me. What is my life now? It’s nothing and I’m a damn nobody. I’m not a real fucking father, I’m not a husband and I sure as hell am shitty at everything else. Enjoy your Ken and fucking Barbie life. Now get out of my truck.”

  I reached over for his arm. I knew he was hurting and I felt even guiltier for yelling at him. I knew this had to be the worst day of his life. At this point, I really just wanted to hug him. My emotions were confusing me and I was shocked at myself for how I felt. I wanted to hold Brian right now and make things better, but I knew that I didn’t hold that key anymore. He would never forgive me and I couldn’t even imagine how Kate would either. If he thought he was alone and a nobody, he was wrong. I was going to be the nobody very soon, once Kate found out. My whole world was getting turned upside down and inside out and it was all my fault.

  “B
rian, the last thing I wanted was to hurt you, to hurt anyone. Please, just give me time to explain to you. It wasn’t supposed to come out like this. I know you’re hating me right now, but please, give me time to explain it all. Right now, we need to be up in that hospital to be with our daughter. Yes, our daughter. You are her father, Brian. You’ve always been a father to her. I gave you that because you deserved it. Please, just be that for her right now. Hate me all you want, but be there for that beautiful young woman we’ve raised. Please, just do it for her.”

  He stared ahead at the parking lot in front of him while he contemplated what he wanted to do or say to me. I could see the tears in his eyes which, in turn, made me tear up as well. This was the last thing I wanted for everyone to go through, but it was just fate. Everything happened for a reason. I just wished I didn’t have to hurt everyone even though I made the best choices for my family at the time. He eventually shut the truck off, grabbed the keys and got out without saying a word to me.