Shamelessly Worth It

by Nickie Nalley Seidler

  We went straight home and she got ready for dance. I fixed a quick plate of snacks for the team and waited patiently for her to get ready so we could leave. I was so glad to be visiting Stephanie today. It had been ages, it seemed.

  “Kate, let’s go, you’re going to be late!” I yelled down the hallway.

  She shuffled down the hallway with her gym bag strapped over her shoulder. She was ignoring me, and that was fine. She damn well knew better.

  We hurried and got in the car and I drove her to practice. She got out of the car and looked at me. “I guess you’re just planning to ruin my life.”

  “No, I’m just being smart for you.” I snapped back. “Kate, if you were to have gotten into an accident, how do you think that would have made me feel?”

  “Whatever.” She slammed the car door and headed into the building.

  I rolled my eyes and let out a puff of air. Raising a teenager had been harder than I had anticipated. The mood swings, know-it-all attitudes, disrespect . . . ugh, it was all a pain in the ass. I just hoped she didn’t see this as punishing her for no reason. She needed to gain some common sense to see that her choices had consequences. I pulled into Stephanie’s driveway and noticed her sitting on the front porch with a pitcher of sweet tea . . . our favorite. I waved and she smiled while I made my way up the stairs.

  “Made some tea for us. I figured you’d like that.” She got up and scooted over so that I could sit down. She looked a bit rough.

  “Okay, I’m going to shoot straight to the shit I called you over here for.” She brushed her hair out of her face.

  I adjusted uncomfortably in my seat feeling nervous for what she called me over here for. What was this about?

  “What’s up?” I asked hesitant.

  “So, I saw you at the restaurant a short while back with Dean and I was going to say something until I saw him meet with a man. Then I sort of hid myself but overheard the conversation.”

  I jumped in. “Oh, at the Cove? Yeah, I think he said that was his brother or something. He doesn’t get along with his family. I didn’t recognize him either but it’s been many years.” I smiled, happy that it seemed to be nothing.

  “I think he’s hiding something, Millie.”

  “Hiding what?”

  She took in a deep breath almost nervous like she didn’t want to say anything but felt she had to.

  “Steph, what is it?” I asked impatient.

  “That man asked him about some girl he hid from them and that his mom is freaking out and he needs to stop avoiding the family. What girl would he be hiding? It just didn’t sound like a normal conversation. It sounded very secretive, Millie. It wasn’t a friendly bit and he noticed you coming and I could see he freaked out. Why would he be freaked out over the two of you meeting? Dean then told the man to back off and keep shit to himself.” She shrugged her shoulders.

  I sat there for a second, clueless as to what was going on. What was Dean referring to? How would I even bring that up to him and ask? I couldn’t. What would I say? “Oh by the way, Steph was there eavesdropping on your conversation with your brother. What was that all about?” I couldn’t do that!

  “They didn’t say what it was about?”

  “No. It was quick. We left right after he went back to your table. Girl, if you need me to dig, I’ll dig. I’m good at digging.”

  I laughed at her sense of humor. “I’m just not sure what we’re digging for?”

  “Do you know everything there is to know about Dean?”

  I took the pitcher and poured myself some tea while I pondered what I did know and what I still didn’t know about Dean. I knew that Dean had come here from California because his grandmother passed and he just decided it was time to stay here rather than move back. He got his job where he’s at now. He doesn’t get along with his family because he claimed they’re all just full of drama and the love has been deeply nonexistent after his family was torn apart after the death of his grandmother. I know how true that could be, as I’ve seen it rip families apart before. There was usually always one person who held a family together and when they were gone, things usually went to shit.

  “I didn’t want you to worry, I just wanted you to know. I’m serious though, if you need me to dig I’ll dig a big a fucking hole. I want you to make sure that Dean is the right one for you. I don’t want you to be miserable, Millie. I want you to be happy because you deserve to be happy. Now that Dean knows he’s a daddy, you have to make sure he’s a great guy for Kate to be around.” Her honesty sometimes struck me hard.

  I hadn’t even thought about that. I hadn’t even thought to look into Dean’s background to make sure of the type of person he was to be around my daughter. For all I knew, he was a convicted criminal and served years in prison for God only knows what. Was I way over thinking things? Dean just appeared in my life, and at the time he was a godsend. Having him around while I went through my divorce with Brian was so helpful. He was a shoulder to cry on, he was my ear for advice or just to hear me vent. As I sat there and recounted all the times we’d been together, he’d been very quiet about himself and I had pretty much done all the talking. He hadn’t given me much to go off of other than he was a gentleman who’d been amazingly by my side through it all. Maybe Stephanie was right. Maybe I needed to do some digging. Maybe there was a whole lot to Dean I didn’t know anything about. He needed to start opening up to me.

  “I’m a little worried now that I sit here and actually think about Dean. I really don’t know much about him. I mean, I remember how he was from when we were together back in high school, but let’s face it, a person can change in that amount of time. What do I do?” I sipped more tea while I thought of how to get to know more about him without sounding impulsive now . . . without looking like I was digging for information.

  “I can Google him, see if anything comes up. Ask around. One of my husband’s friend’s knew his mom. Maybe I can ask her if they know anything about Dean. Nonchalantly, of course. I wouldn’t want to cause anything between the two of you.”

  “Stick with the Internet. Let’s start there. We may just be freaking out over nothing and like you said, I don’t want to be causing any scenes. For all we know, he’s not hiding anything and we just have over-thinking minds like most women.”

  She laughed. “True.”

  “I mean seriously, you put a woman in this situation and she can become a detective in seconds. You know how it works!” I laughed with her. I had to make light of the situation because I had enough stress on my back and stuff on my mind that I couldn’t be focusing on something that we had no factual evidence of. But I was so happy I had a best friend like Stephanie willing to help me out in my time of need.

  “To change the subject, how is Kate doing?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Kate is being Kate. Kate is now sexually active. Oh, I didn’t tell you?” I rolled my eyes again. “Caught her and Ben, well Dean caught her . . . long story. The whole raising a teenager thing has become official.”

  “No way! I can’t believe she’s started with that already! Kids these days are just starting so early! I’m sorry you’re dealing with that.” She wrapped her arm around me.

  All I could think about now was Dean. I was seeing him later and Kate was going over to Brian’s for the weekend. He asked for a weekend, he got it. I needed a small break. Dean knowing I was going to be home alone was almost like an open invitation I knew he would take advantage of. I had to pack up our stuff again because a lady had called me earlier today and told me I got the condo I looked at. We could move as quickly as the end of the month. I wanted to be in there as fast as possible. I just wanted to be settled in a place, just Kate and I, with the possibility of maybe Dean moving in later down the line or us moving in with Dean. That was something we had some time still to figure out. The end of the weekend was going to be dedicated to Kate and her end of the year dance recital. She had worked really hard to get to this point and Dean and I were going to go cheer her o
n in hopes that Brian left us alone. All three of us someday were going to have to get over the whole mess, so why not start now?

  “Are you excited about the girls’ recital this weekend?” I changed the subject, not even wanting to think about Kate having sex anymore. I had enough on my plate as it was.

  “I’m super excited. They’ve both worked so hard at it, and they deserve a great show. Next year will be big for them starting junior year. Lots to come.”

  “High school is flying by. Pretty soon our girls will be going off to college.” I laughed and sipped down some tea. “Too bad there isn’t alcohol in this.” I laughed even harder while Steph joined me. “Well, I guess I better get to packing.”

  She nudged my shoulder, “What!” Stephanie shrieked.

  “Got a condo, moving in a couple weeks. I’m so excited.”

  “What? That’s great news! We’ll be helpers of course! How do Kate and Dean and Brian feel about it all?”

  “Kate loves it. It’s on the other side of town but not too far. It’s all updated with stainless steel everything and granite counter tops. Spacious rooms and a kick-ass living room with a fireplace. Brian doesn’t care, and Dean wants me to move in with him but now that’s not happening.”

  She took her cup and put it down while tears came to her eyes. “Millie, I’m so damn proud of where you are going with life. You’re such a strong woman and a great example to Kate. I’m so happy you found a place of your own and you’re doing everything for yourself.” She offered me a smile that could melt anyone’s heart. She was the sweetest friend I ever knew.

  “I’m really happy about this. Finally our own place to start fresh.”

  .

  Chapter 7

  “When a woman is talking to you, listen to what she says with her eyes.” – Victor Hugo

  Millie

  “I hate you!” Those were the last words I heard out of my daughter’s mouth the night of her recital. Dean and I showed up and Brian had an emergency call down south a few hours away, so he didn’t make it. He was practically interviewing for a job and the guy told him either you take the call, or don’t get the job. Obviously, he needed the job so he went. Kate understood and Dean and I took her to the recital. It was a beautiful performance put on by some talented young girls. Kate was amazing and I was so proud of her. She, on the other hand, thought because it was recital night, that she’d be excused from being grounded. Nope, it didn’t work that way. I could have been lenient if she hadn’t blown it on Friday with Ben in his car. If I kept letting things slide, she would never learn a lesson from it. Sometimes, I hated being a parent. It killed me to disappoint her and let her down. I knew how bad she wanted to go out with all her friends, but I couldn’t let her. It would be different if it was her senior year and it was the last one she’d ever go to again, but it wasn’t. She had a whole summer planned ahead of her of dance, dance, and more dance. It made me feel less guilty being a parent.

  Dean didn’t seem to like the difficulties of parenting a teenager with a mouth on her. He had a sweet spot, but I told him that would change once he started to get the hang of it. It made him happy that he got to watch her from afar and be proud of her. I knew Kate understood about Brian having to leave, but I thought she actually was happy Dean was there with me to cheer her on. Well, she was happy until she thought Dean would stick up for her but sided with me. He got his first impression of parenting tonight.

  “Kate, I’m sorry, but you know the rules. You’re grounded for two more weeks. Now, get in the car please.” I unlocked the car with my key fob. Dean and I climbed in while Kate huffed about getting in the car. Oh, she was so upset.

  “You’re the most unfair mother, ever.”

  “Kate, you grounded yourself by disobeying the rules, you should have thought about that before you did it.”

  I stepped on the gas and headed home. Dean reached over the center console and grabbed my hand while entwining his fingers with mine. I looked over at him which earned a smile and I couldn’t help but smile back. Love just sparked between us and it wasn’t something I could explain. I tried very hard to forget the fact that I needed to know more about this man. Learning about someone isn’t an easy thing when you don’t want to pry for information and sound funny doing it.

  We arrived home and Kate flew out of the car and into the house. She slammed and locked her door, and I knew this would be a long night. Dean and I headed towards my room to gain some privacy and turned the TV on. My parents had just gotten home too, so we had our own little spaces in the house for privacy. They had just gotten back from an Alaskan cruise, but I’d ask how it all went tomorrow morning.

  “Well, that was a great recital. The girls did great. I bet that was a proud mommy moment.” He picked my legs up off the bed and placed them in his lap while he began to massage my feet.

  I moaned at the immediate reaction and it felt so damn good I wasn’t going to complain. I smiled, “It was a proud mommy moment. I’ve watched her work so hard at this for years. Just wish she wasn’t a typical teenager with a mouth on her.” I rolled my eyes.

  “She loves you. It’s just that age. Come on, we’ve been all there.” He rubbed his thumb in small circles on my heel.

  “Tell me about California.” I yawned. But thought I’d try digging.

  His eye brows creased and he scrunched his lips, you could tell he wasn’t prepared for that question.

  “What about California?” He wondered.

  “I don’t know, anything. You haven’t talked much about yourself, just trying to learn more about you again. It’s been a long time since we dated.” His eyes searched the room, then landed back on my sleepy eyes.

  He stuttered, “I don’t…I don’t like to remember California. It wasn’t here where I’m with you again.”

  I cocked my head to one side smiling knowing that was a pretty cheesy line, but apparently he had stuff he didn’t want to discuss.

  “Sweet words, but I like more than sweet words. I want to know the stuff you don’t want to tell me. The stuff that everyone is ashamed of doing or, you know, no secrets.”

  He took a deep breath in and out. “I worked a lot. I wasted a lot of my time on work. I told myself if I moved back here I wouldn’t do that. I wanted to focus my life on being happy. I wanted to marry and start a family and focus on them. California was what I needed at the time, but now that I’m back, I don’t miss it at all.”

  “You don’t miss any of your old girlfriends?” I moved my legs underneath me and leaned into him pressing my lips to his softly.

  He pressed his lips back to mine and took me in his arms. “How can I miss any of them, when I have you here in my arms reminding me every day of why you’re the one I want and always wanted? I don’t miss anyone. I spent my whole life missing you, and now that I have you, I won’t let go.” He squeezed me tighter before clamping his lips to mine again.

  We lay back on the bed and he cuddled me until I passed out. I loved going to bed knowing that his strong arms were around me to protect me. He made me feel just how I wanted to feel. I wanted to feel the deep love that I hadn’t felt in so long. The one people strive for in movies. It was almost like the movies . . . well it was with the baby daddy drama that hadn’t taken place yet. I didn’t want that day to come, but knew it was inevitably going to happen.

  My phone started to ring which woke me up immediately. I crawled over Dean and checked the display. A number I didn’t recognize. For someone to call me so damn late in the night, it had to be important.

  “Hello?” I answered in my groggy voice.

  “Is this Kate’s mother?” A voice sounded so still on the other end of the line.

  “Yes, who is this?” I wiped my eyes and tried not to yawn loudly over the phone.

  “This is Ben’s mom. You need to get to the hospital. The kids were in an accident. Please, hurry.” I thought for two seconds how that could be possible since she was grounded in her room, but figured she must have snuck ou
t.

  “Oh my God! Is Kate okay?” I scurried putting on my clothes as fast as I could, pulling my jeans on and placing a tank top over my head.

  “I’m not sure, the doctor hasn’t come out yet. Please, hurry.”

  I hung up the phone and grabbed for my purse. Dean slowly woke with all the noise I was making.

  “We have to go. Kate’s been in an accident. Let’s go, now!” I yelled and Dean flew out of bed. We hurried out to his car. He floored it to the hospital and I tried to stay calm. Ben’s mom didn’t know how my baby was. What the fuck happened? How could I have let her sneak out? All thoughts about bad parenting flashed in my mind. I’d never forgive myself. I went to search for my cell phone that I tossed in my purse. I had to call Brian to let him know. I prayed with everything I had in me that she would be okay. I had to have faith. I had no clue what had happened yet, but my baby girl needed me. Dean pressed the gas harder and I dialed for Brian. I was so worried I almost felt sick. I felt like I was going to puke and I still had no clue what was going on.