Shamelessly Worth It

by Nickie Nalley Seidler

  “Hey.” She sat down on the sofa and crossed her legs. The burning red in her eyes told me she had been crying. She thought all these years I didn’t pay attention to her, but the Lord knew I did.

  “How’s Kate?” I glanced over at her while I popped the top off of my beer.

  “Horrible. Miserable.” She played with the fringe end of her dress while I took a swig of my beer and sat down across from her and spread my legs out.

  “I bet. I’ll take her out this weekend if she wants.” I missed Kate. It had been awhile since we’d had any kind of bonding time. But what would it mean now that I wasn’t her Dad? This was bullshit.

  “I think she’d like that.”

  “Cut the shit, Millie. Get to the reason why you’re here.” I placed my beer on the table and crossed my arms, getting annoyed that my ex-wife was turning me on so much right now and I wanted to keep hating her all at the same time.

  “Brian, you and I were so in love as teenagers and I thought I’d be spending the rest of my life with you. I knew that Kate wasn’t yours from the start. I tried to get in contact with Dean before we had her and a woman answered his phone. He was in California at the time. I dropped it because I knew then that he was making a life out there.” She sighed and started fidgeting with her dress again. “Look, there really is no easy way to explain this other than flat out telling you. Every year I tried to tell you and Dean but failed at it. Because Kate loved you so much as a father and you were the best father to her that I could have asked for, I didn’t want to ruin anybody’s life. I knew it would tear worlds apart when this surfaced, as I knew someday it would. When Dean unexpectedly found out before I planned to tell him, I knew you were next. But how did I approach you and tell you this? It wasn’t easy, Brian. I’ve wracked my brain every which way in trying to figure out the best way to tell you.”

  “I can’t believe that he knew for so long and you couldn’t have the fucking decency to tell me without me having to find out on my own. Do you know how embarrassing that was for me? Do you know how much that fucking tore straight through my heart? How are we ever going to tell Kate? How the fuck do you think she’s going to react?” I got up and grabbed my beer and started pacing the room. I was angry. I was angry for all the years I’d been fooled . . . been played.

  “Brian, I don’t know how to fix this. Please, just listen to me. I don’t know how life goes on from here. I don’t know how to tell Kate or if Kate even needs to know right this second. I don’t know anything, Brian. Nothing. The only thing I do know is that I’d take it back in a heartbeat to make things right if I could. My intention was never to hurt you or anyone.” Her voice cracked under pressure as I knew I was making her nervous with how upset I was getting.

  “You ruined our lives. How did you think I was going to react to this? You’ve just put me at my all-time low. I’m not a father, I’m not a husband, and I sure as shit don’t have anything in my life to look forward to. You’ve ruined any kind of hope I had at being good at something in my life. You’ve ruined it. Fucking ruined it!” I tossed the beer across the room. Now, I was angry. I was feeling the daggers straight through my heart every second she spoke.

  “Get out! Just get the fuck out.” I turned away from the door and ran my hand through my greasy hair. I hadn’t been myself since she told me this news. I hadn’t been able to function. I lost the damn job opportunity that I drove down south for. I felt like my life was falling apart around me and she was only making it worse. Did I skip town and leave it all behind and act like it never existed? Throw away fifteen years of my life?

  “Brian, I don’t want to leave you until I’ve said all I have to say.”

  “What more could you say, Millie? You’ve said quite enough. I don’t need to know the every little fucking detail of how much more you could ruin my life. I fucking loved you, and you left me and now turned my world upside down by telling me I wasn’t really anything anyway. It makes sense why you’re with Dean now. Even though one should really look someone up on the public Internet before dating!” I raced towards the door and opened it wide. “Now, get out.”

  She walked up to me and her arms enveloped me into a warm embrace. She rested her head on my chest and my heart fucking melted. The last thing I wanted was her comforting me right now. But it felt so good. It felt so amazing to feel loved for a damn second. How was I going to be able to function after Kate found out? How was I going to be her rock when I could barely be a man and hold myself up?

  “Brian, I loved you so hard, but I’m so sorry that things didn’t work out between us. I’m so sorry you feel I’ve ruined you. I don’t think you’re ruined at all.”

  I wrapped my arms around her and took a deep breath for a second while I took in the fact I had Millie in my arms. I hated her but I wanted to take her back to the bedroom and own her like I never had before. I could feel her heart beating out of her chest and radiating against mine. Right then, I wasn’t sure what she was feeling, but she was allowing my arms around her, and allowing the closeness. Was she feeling it too? I secretly wanted my family back, but was it too late? I had fucked up, too. Stupid Becky, I should have known better. How could I forgive Millie for everything she’d done? I knew it would be hard for her to forgive me too. It was like we were even. I didn’t know where life was going to take me after today. How my relationship with Millie would be or even with Kate.

  “You should go.” I released her and she looked right in my eyes before walking out the door. I knew then and there that whatever we had once had was officially gone.

  *~*

  Millie

  My heart broke walking out of that condo. I wanted to stay, but my heart told me to leave. I said all I could say to try to make him understand that my intentions weren’t what he thought. I needed to get home to Kate to hold her and make her smile. She was taking Ben’s death so hard and I wished I could do more to confront her. Stephanie was going to be meeting me at home to help me unpack. I told Kate I’d order in Chinese and we’d have a girl’s night and let loose. I wanted that for my baby in hopes that she’d start feeling a little better. I knew with Stephanie being there, she’d help a lot.

  My fear was still Brian and what he was capable of. Was he feeling so ruined that he’d ruin his life more by ending it? I prayed and feared for his wellbeing. I wanted the best for Brian and right now I was pretty sure me not being there was what was best. My mind was pained with everything that was happening. Seriously, it all happened at once and it made it hard to breathe. I felt like the plague hitting town and making everyone so sick of me.

  I arrived back home and checked on Kate who was fast asleep, napping in the other room. I took a huge sigh of relief knowing she finally was getting some rest. It had been days and nights of endless crying and I was so glad she finally fell asleep. I started on a box in the kitchen while I poured myself a glass of wine. I heard a knock at the door and rushed to see who it was. It was my gorgeous friend Stephanie who was super early on coming over today!

  I swung the door open. “Hey! You’re early!” I smiled and her face didn’t match my smile. Something was wrong. She hurried in past me and I closed the door turning to face her.

  “You look like you’ve seen a ghost?” I giggled.

  “Is Kate here?” she asked suspiciously.

  “She’s asleep, why?” I tilted my head in confusion.

  “There’s stuff we need to talk about before we have a girls night.” She looked a bit rough and it worried me.

  “Yeah, there is, I just got back from Brian’s.”

  “I’m not talking about, Brian.” I looked at her as her face turned serious.

  I walked into the kitchen and she followed me grabbing her own wine glass and pouring herself a huge glass full. I wasn’t surprised. When she was stressed about something, Stephanie reached for the wine before anything. It also made me a little nervous as to what she had to talk about.

  I sat down on the sofa in the living room and she sat across
from me.

  “I actually think we should step out on the patio to talk. It’s more private.”

  Whatever was going on, it was clear she didn’t want Kate to overhear anything.

  “Okay.” I got up and opened the sliding patio door and stepped out into the heat.

  “I Googled Dean.” She placed her wine glass down on the table top.

  “

  Oh, right, you were digging for me.”

  “Oh, I dug, girlfriend. Dug too far, and you aren’t going to appreciate what I found.”

  I took a sip of my wine and focused on her. “Spill it. Even though I’m not sure I could handle any more news right now.”

  She opened her purse and took out a stack of papers and handed it to me.

  The first paper stamped on the top with bold black letters written across a sheet of detailed listing with Dean’s face on the cover, was a line of words I’d never forget. They read, “Sex Offender.” Below listed the city and state of California in which the crime was committed. My eyes were crossed as I stared at the sheet in front of me. I didn’t even bother to flip any other page. I just stared at those words over and over until I almost dropped my wine glass.

  “That’s the worst of it.” She sighed. “You didn’t know about this? Dean hasn’t said anything? I mean for fuck’s sake he’s around a teen!” She tried to keep herself contained. She was right, what the fuck was he doing around my kid when he could get into really big trouble for it. What the fuck!? Why didn’t he tell me?

  “No, he has never said a word about it.” I was barely able to speak. This took my head for a spin and a total mind fuck. This couldn’t be the same Dean. “What’s next, Steph, seriously?” I threw my head in my hands and she rubbed my back.

  “It’s just something you’re going to have to confront him about and see what the fuck is going on.”

  “I’ve just had enough. I’ve really had enough in the last few weeks. I thought Dean and I were doing great and now this. I’ve just left Brian’s to tell him my explanation of why he never knew why he wasn’t the real daddy. It’s been a non-stop shit storm.”

  “What do you think you’re going to do? I mean he’s clearly listed on the sex offender list. You need to find out his story and fast. Nothing came up on his family other than his brother had a minor record. Do you think maybe that’s what his brother was talking about when I saw him?”

  “This changes my entire relationship with Dean if he confesses to all this. How would I expect to have a life with him knowing that now? That he didn’t tell me about! Oh, Stephanie, can I ever have any kind of good luck? I freaking work for him! What does that do for my job?” I sighed. “Oh wait! We decided to tell Kate that her real daddy is a sex offender!” I shook my head. “How could I have been so stupid?” I screamed at myself. Furious, my body shook wondering how I was going to deal with this.

  “Well, now that you’ve gotten your foot in the door there for a little while, you’ve gained experience again and can start looking for another job. Look, I love you to death and will do whatever you need me to do. I’m with you 100% on this. No matter what.”

  “I’m just blindsided. Brian knew. He’s being making snide comments to me here and there about this and I’ve ignored it because I just figured it was his way of trying to hurt me. It never even crossed my damn mind it may be true.”

  “Let’s relax, kick back with a few drinks, wake Kate up and have a girl’s night. You need it, she needs it, and frankly I need it after digging all this up.” She laughed standing up to head back inside.

  “I agree. I’m grabbing more wine!”

  Chapter 11

  “Treasure your relationships, not your possessions.” – Anthony D’Angelo

  Millie

  “Mom, Dad’s here to pick me up for the weekend. I love you!” Kate yelled down the hallway as I heard the door shut behind her.

  She was off to Brian’s for the weekend. I was relieved, in a sense, to get things done. I also had a date with Dean to find out what the hell had been going on. He didn’t know what he had coming, but I sure did. I needed answers and clarity and maybe even closure. Kate seemed to be in a little better mood, so I hoped she enjoyed her time with Brian this weekend.

  I stood in front of the mirror in my bathroom and blow dried my hair with a round brush to get just the amount of curl I wanted. I wasn’t feeling makeup because I wasn’t feeling this date and I dreaded every second, knowing how it would likely go. I put on a simple outfit of just denim jeans paired with a red blouse. I slipped on some flats and started for my purse. I knew the type of date this was for me. I told him I’d meet him there. I wanted to have my own getaway.

  I got in my car and turned the A/C all the way up. Hot weather wasn’t my friend and more so my hair hated it. I took off towards the restaurant we were meeting at. I had to admit I was pretty damn nervous. I sent Steph a quick text message right as I parked the car letting her know I was going in for the kill. Well, she knew what I meant.

  “Hey beautiful!” Dean approached me while I stepped out of the car.

  I half smiled and leaned into his hug. I tried to keep it cool but I’m pretty sure he had to know something was off.

  “I’m hungry, let’s eat.” I closed my door and headed off towards the door as Dean followed.

  The hostess sat us down at a table near the window and we both sat down and got settled in, opening the menus. My nerves were about shot and I couldn’t help but stare at him over the menu while I scanned it for something to eat. I didn’t know what would be the best approach to ask someone if they were a sex offender or not. It wasn’t an easy topic with a man I was falling in love with.

  “How’s Kate doing?” He asked to start conversation.

  “She’s with Brian this weekend, but she’s doing better, I think.” I smiled. He was so sweet and always so damn caring. How was I going to get through this night? Our waitress had come to the table and taken our drink order and left as we weren’t ready to order.

  “I hate to bring up work on our date, but there’s a lot of work sitting on your desk on Monday I hope you’re ready for.”

  I placed my menu down so we could talk. My eyes stared into his and in that moment there was no way I could bring up those charges and accusations when his eyes glistened back at mine and made me weak in the knees.

  “Yes, thank you for letting me take some time off. It was really appreciated with Kate and all. She’s going back to school to finish off her last week before summer break. Thank you, Dean. You’ll never know how much I appreciate it.” I looked down at the menu and scanned for what I had picked out because I noticed the waitress coming back with our drinks.

  “Are y’all ready to order?”

  “Yes, I’ll take the chicken parm, easy on the sauce, and a side salad.” I closed the menu and placed it on the corner of the table.

  “I’ll take the rib eye with a baked potato, thanks Ma’am.” Dean looked at the waitress and smiled and handed her our menus.

  He relaxed in his chair and kept his eyes pinned to mine. Occasionally we looked away, because the heat we felt between us was undeniable. It was like he was undressing me with his eyes and I couldn’t help but undress him with mine.

  “So, you wanted to talk about something?”

  My eyes went a little wide and my gaze dropped to the table, embarrassed now what to say.

  “Oh it was nothing. Let’s just enjoy the rest of the night.”

  The conversation went on, the food came out steaming hot, and we laughed. This man warmed my heart in so many ways. He gave me all his time, he appreciated me, he loved me, and he took care of me. It was bothering me beyond belief about my discovery, but I hadn’t been able to work myself up to letting it out. What happened with Kate then? I was so torn. After a couple hours went by and we really enjoyed ourselves, he brought me out of my daze.

  “Ready to get out of here?” He wrapped his arms around me from behind and whispered into my ear. I leaned my head
up to his and kissed his lips passionately.

  “Yeah, let’s go.”

  Something dug deep from within me and told me to let it go for right now. It just didn’t seem like the right moment. Or were my wants taking over my need for answers? Right now all I could envision was his lips on mine and everywhere else.

  The waitress had come back and handed Dean the bill. He paid it quickly never taking his eyes from mine. He was sucked into my love and I didn’t break the star gazing I was doing into his eyes. His eyes, mind, body, and soul were all mine tonight.

  Gosh, I should have been more concerned about this.