Shamelessly Worth It

by Nickie Nalley Seidler

  We stood up from the table and his hand moved down to my lower back while we exited the restaurant. A small shiver ran down my spine with his hand rubbing my back, making silent promises of what was to come.

  The air outside was getting cool for the evening which made me get the chills walking outside. His hands moved to my shoulders and rubbed them, following me to my car. As I was about to get in the car, he stopped me. He spun me around and slid his leg in between my legs and pinned me to the car. His lips crashed to mine in infinite desire. The heat radiating between my legs made it clear to me where I was driving my car to this evening. His intense smell of Irish soap filled the air around me and I kissed him back something fierce. My hands roamed around his waist and brought him tight to my chest. I let out a breath and he brought his lips back to mine passionately.

  “Meet ”—he huffed—“me back at my place,” he said out of breath.

  He stepped away and I knew it was a race for us to get back to his place.

  I got in my car and high tailed my ass back to his place. I needed him. I longed to have my arms around him making him mine. I craved his touch. The cars passed by one at a time in a blur while I obeyed the speed limit impatiently. Images of his hands all over my body flashed through my mind. I mentally and physically prepared myself for the best night of my life. It had been nothing but constant hurt lately, and I needed this release. I needed this euphoric experience.

  My car eased into the driveway, carefully avoiding the pot holes. Headlights shined bright in the distance. I made it home before he did, or so I thought. Lights were off in the house until I got out of the car and noticed a light in the bedroom pop on. It made me smile knowing he must have sped home and ran in the house to make sure it looked decent as that was how Dean was.

  I cracked the door open lightly, hollering out his name. “Dean?”

  “I’m up here, baby.” He yelled down the stairs.

  I quickly ran my hand through my hair by the mirror in the foyer to make sure I looked good. I tiptoed up the stairs. Once I reached the top of the stairs and my toes felt the plush carpeting, I headed down the hallway to his bedroom.

  His coat was hanging over the chaise lounge chair and he had lit some vanilla candles that illuminated the room. He sat at the edge of the bed and he looked sexier than ever. His white shirt was unbuttoned at the top and his pants were lose. He looked comfortable. His hair was tossed back slick-like and he looked ready, ready for this, ready for me.

  I walked up between his legs and his hands wrapped around my waist. I slowly lifted my shirt revealing my black lace bra. His hands roamed around my body before he unclipped my bra.

  He whispered gently in my ear, “Show me how much you want me.” He yanked on my ear lobe with his teeth nibbling on my ear. Shivers immediately went through my body. The power this man had on me was unbelievable.

  My lips met his and my hands tugged on the buttons on his shirt. They popped quickly and released his shirt from a tight hold. I took it off and slid my lips down his bare chest, making a trail towards his pants. He unbuckled his belt and tossed it to the side. I unbuttoned his pants and slid them down with his boxers and his erection sprang free. I needed him. I needed his touch to make me feel whole. Whole? Was that even the word? He let out a slight moan when my mouth wrapped around his shaft. Licking and swirling my tongue around the tip, I sucked deeper until his hands were tousling in my hair, massaging my scalp. Once he got close to his release I quickly undid my pants and pushed him further back on the bed. Once he was laying comfortably, I jumped on and slid down on his thick member. His eyes rolled to the back of his head and I rode him up and down slowly while I gained speed. His hands reached my breasts and massaged them while I rocked back and forth. It was like music, rocking and rolling to the pleasure.

  Images started to flash in my head while I pictured the worst coming from Dean’s discovery and the story he’d tell me. It wasn’t the time I wanted to think about this but it was happening. I started to slow my pace as more images flashed in my head.

  “Babe?” He asked quietly. “You okay?”

  My eyes landed back on his and I knew I just blew it. “Yeah, sorry.” I tried to pick up speed again but found myself slowing down.

  “Millie?”

  I stopped and rolled off. “Okay, no, I’m not really okay. I thought I could do this without thinking about stuff. But apparently, I can’t.”

  Dean wrapped me in my arms and pulled me towards him pulling the blanket over us. “What’s the matter? Talk to me.”

  I sighed and took in a deep breath of air. I wasn’t ready for this but it was now or never.

  “I found some stuff online about you.”

  “Like what?” His eyes narrowed in at mine.

  I was hoping this was the easy part and he’d be able to guess what I was talking about but now he was playing dumb and I needed to press. Shoot me now.

  I sat up in bed and wrapped the blankets around me while he lay on his side propped up by his elbow.

  “It says you’re a sex offender. I need to know the honest truth, Dean.”

  I didn’t know what other way to come out about it. It wasn’t like the easiest topic to discuss. But I needed him to tell me what was the truth and I had to decide whether I believed him or not. That was going to be the hard part.

  “What? The Internet says I’m a sex offender? Dear God, let’s believe everything we read. Seriously, Millie?” He got up from the bed and started to pace. I could tell he was really upset and I wasn’t ready to deal with this but it didn’t seem I had been ready for anything that life has thrown at me lately and I’d just had to deal with it.

  “I’m not a sex offender!” His hands went running through his hair. He continued to pace like he had more that he wanted to say but couldn’t figure out how to say it. I followed him with my eyes while he walked back and forth from one end of the room to the other. Now it was awkward.

  “Look, I’m not a sex offender but there are some things you need to know that I’ve had no clue how to tell you about.” He sat on the edge of the bed and took my hand. Hearing him say that just gave me my first warning sign, red flag. It deterred me away from him and I pushed his hand off mine and waited patiently for him to continue.

  “Millie, in California I got into some trouble. I did a stupid favor for a drunk girl and I got caught. She tried accusing me of rape when it was consensual. She was drunk and I was sober and it was a huge mistake. As soon as I knew, I left. She lied to me . . . told me she was older. It was a lesson learned. The charges were made, but I swear to you, you have to believe me.”

  I shook my head back and forth, “I don’t understand why you never told me this.”

  “How could I just bring it up in conversation? Do you think it’s something I’m proud of?”

  “Your name is all over the Internet, Dean! What if Kate see’s this?”

  He got up and started pacing the room again.

  “You don’t have to believe me, Millie. I just trusted that you would.” I could see the rage entering his body like he was upset that I was upset. How did he really think I would feel?

  “Dean, take a look where I’m coming from. When I search your name on the Internet and the first things to pop up are sex offender, you start to worry. Do I want to believe it? No. But I have to trust your word for me to move past this and it’s not just an easy solution you can give me. I have to take Kate’s well-being into account. I have to make sure this is what Kate needs. I just feel like you’re not telling me everything.”

  “I did a lot of stupid shit with this girl. She could have potentially ruined my reputation.”

  I put my shirt on and stared at Dean wondering where this conversation was going to go.

  “So tell me then, why did you move home if she potentially could have ruined your reputation?”

  I felt like I just stabbed him in the heart with my straight forward words. But I needed to know. I needed to know why he had come home. What
was the real story?

  “She had become a stalker and got me fired from my job. Once they found out about my charge, I just left and decided to move home and hope nothing followed me. Then it turned out, she started to date my fucking brother. When she attempted to do the same shit to him, I testified for him in court saying she manipulated me and now was doing the same to him.”

  “So, you’re not supposed to be around minors then? What the fuck are you doing around Kate then? Come on Dean, you have to work with me here. I’m trying to understand this mess and you’re really making me question our entire relationship.”

  “I’m sorry you feel that way. Maybe I need to just step away from us then. Maybe this wasn’t meant to be.” He tossed the chair against the wall and kicked it, like he regretted the words that came out of his mouth.

  “You’re a sex offender whether or not you committed the crime. You had sex with a minor, Dean. It’s kind of a big deal.”

  The tears welled up in my eyes because the truth was coming out and I couldn’t handle it. Everything that was proving to be good in my life was quickly falling apart before my eyes and there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it from happening. This man had made me feel whole. He made me feel alive and basically saved me from my divorce. He showed me the meaning of my life and now this was a turn down the road that I hadn’t expected. A turn that would determine the rest of my life and the rest of Kate’s. I wasn’t just selfish and crying for my own life with Dean coming to an end, but for what Kate didn’t even know yet. How was Brian going to react to this? He already warned me twice and I just flaked it off like it was nothing. Typical Brian behavior. My heart was just melting away while I sat there with my eyesto the ground. I had to leave. I had to think or do something but I couldn’t look into those beautiful eyes that made so much sense just minutes ago. I couldn’t even stand the thought to touch him when just minutes ago I craved his every touch. Within a matter of minutes, I left. Every inch of my body fought to get down the stairs and get in my car. I dragged, and it felt like heartbreak.

  Chapter 12

  “There is a time for risky love. There is a time for extravagant gestures. There is a time to pour out your affections on one you love. And when the time comes - seize it, don't miss it.” Max Lucado

  Dean

  The second the door closed, I wished I had never moved back home. Why did I let myself get into this predicament? I knew she would find out sooner or later and I never prepared myself for the hurt. I now had a label . . . a label I wasn’t proud of but it was there flashing red. I couldn’t blame Millie. I had to understand even if it tore at every part of my heart. I had no clue whether or not we’d be able to move past this. What did it mean for my relationship with Kate? I knew it was impossible the second I heard I was her father. I guess that was part of my reason why I didn’t push to tell her I was her Dad. I was running a thin line of prison time. The judge clearly told me I wasn’t allowed near any minors. Of course at the time, I didn’t tell him I had a child. Although, I wasn’t sure that would have made a difference to the jerk judge.

  Nobody in my family knew about this other than my brother. I hadn’t spoken with him since he got involved with that hood rat in Cali. It really pissed me off that he got off with the charges and I had to deal with this bullshit. My brother had been in and out of trouble since I could remember. Why did the bad shit have to happen to the good people?

  I had enough on my mind between the busy load at work and now potentially losing my girlfriend, my daughter, and possibly my assistant. I would be lost in the world without Millie, as I’d become used to being around her and really feeling a part of a family with her. Where would my life turn now? Should I just take off and leave everything behind like I did before? We had such a great bond and great relationship, how could I do that? I’d never felt so defeated by a stupid mistake I made in my life. Could people forgive for something so stupid, but so serious?

  *~*

  Brian

  “Dad! Are we going mini golfing or what?” Kate yelled down the hall with teenage annoyance, tapping her foot to the ground loudly. I wanted to take her out and get her mind off everything that had been going on. Between Ben and us and moving, I just wanted to ease her mind a bit and do something relaxing.

  “Yeah, I’m ready, just putting my shoes on.” I yelled back. I knew she was less than thrilled but this was my way of being a Dad. Dads were supposed to go out of their comfort zones for their children and make them happy. It didn’t matter what I had going on in my life, as long as my squirt was happy, I’d be happy.

  I grabbed my keys while she rolled her eyes and we headed out to the truck. She got in disapprovingly and we drove off.

  “You know, these are the times in life where hanging with your parents isn’t the most fun thing to do in the world, but I think I’m a pretty rad Dad and hanging out with me isn’t so bad, is it?” I chuckled, nudging her arm until I saw the smirk crawling on the crease of her mouth. I knew she’d crack a smile eventually.

  “I know, Dad.” She laughed then reached for the music and turned up the rock station. Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar on Me” blared across the radio and she sang and head banged to the song. I joined in and we rode in pure singsong style.

  I parked the truck at The Green Hole and purchased our tickets while the lady gave her the pink ball she requested. I got the blue ball for humor sake to keep myself alive and we lined up for hole one. She put her pink ball down on the line, took her stance and took a swing at the ball making it fly off course and into the first waterfall on the golf course. I couldn’t help but laugh and she turned to me with her hand over her face laughing along with me. This was exactly what I wanted. Laughter. I needed to see her smile. She was what made my heart whole.

  “Well, go get another ball you nut!”

  She ran back to the ticket booth and grabbed another ball while I took my turn. I swung and hit the ball and it landed near the hole. Easy hole-in-two shot. She redid her shot and kicked my ball out of the way making it harder for me to make it in.

  “I wish Ben could be here.” She smiled looking up at the sky.

  I stood next to her and wrapped my arm around her pulling her close to me. “Well, kiddo, we all wish Ben could still be around. But he’s in a better place with the angels and I’m sure he’s watching out for you now. He’s probably on my team right now making sure I beat your ass!” I belly laughed and she slapped me in the arm.

  “Unfortunately, you’re probably right.” She giggled her cute laugh and we continued to play.

  A few holes later, she became talkative and wanted to ask questions. I never suspect she would ask me these questions, but here it started.

  “So, how do you like Dean?”

  I smacked my blue ball a little harder and pondered the answer. “Well, what I think of him doesn’t really matter, squirt. What do you think about him?”

  “He’s nice.” She shrugged her shoulders.

  I stayed quiet. This was a little awkward for me to handle right now.

  “Do you think Mom and him will get married?” Now here was the subject I wanted to steer clear from.

  “Whatever makes your Momma happy, Kate. I want what’s best for you both. Would that make you happy?”

  “Not really. I think mom and you back together would make me happy.”

  I took the club and whacked my golf ball while the thought of Millie made me angry. As much as I put on a happy face for Kate, I wasn’t all happy-go-fucking-lucky with Millie right now.

  “Could we just continue the game, Kate?” I narrowed my eyes in at her making it clear I didn’t want to discuss this.

  “Well, don’t you still love Mom?” She wouldn’t stop.

  “Kate, I’ll always love your mom but we aren’t meant for one another. We have too many differences and our love was better off apart. Okay?”

  She shrugged her shoulders.

  It hurt me so much to break her heart knowing that she wanted us t
o be together. I just didn’t see that happening. Millie had wrecked my heart to pieces beyond what I felt could be repaired. I was hurting knowing that Kate wasn’t mine. I wasn’t her biological father and I never would be, "but I was all she’d ever known as a father". I couldn’t even imagine the day we had to break the news to her. I prayed that day wasn’t anywhere in the near future. I loved this kid more than life and I just had a feeling that she would hate me once she knew the truth. She would assume I knew about this when I didn’t. But it wouldn’t matter. She would be miserable. Millie made our life so complicated and I’d never be able to fully forgive her for that. I would just want her to be able to take it like we were told to just take it like it was no big deal. Although Millie looked distraught breaking the news to me and looked sincere, I couldn’t help feeling like she just expected me to take the news and act like nothing ever happened. I wasn’t sure how I felt anymore and my feelings were so mixed. Kate was what made my life happy. She made my heart beat and she made me feel alive still.