Can't Let Go

by Michelle Lynn

  Finally, things have taken a turn for the better. If I can work here, save some money, then I’ll be able to put my plan in motion. Leaving Akron far behind and living the life I want. The life I deserve.

  I’M IN THE basement, tuning my bass, replacing the strings, when a bountiful amount of energy bounces down the stairs.

  “I got a job!” Chrissy exclaims, displaying a huge smile.

  Placing the bass down, I stand up and hug her tight in my arms. God, I love the smell of her. “That’s great. Where at?” I ask, sitting back down and placing the bass on my lap.

  “Ryland Davis’s studio.” She sits on the other stool and crosses her legs.

  “With Jessa?”

  “Yeah, it will only be while she’s on maternity leave. It gives me three months to save up and make a start fresh.” That whole secret she doesn’t want to tell me still lingers overhead.

  “Fresh start from what? And please, Chrissy, I’ve been patient, but I have to know.” I keep the details of my internal struggle about not knowing whether she’s safe or not when she leaves the house to myself.

  Her mood changes, and she pulls her legs tight into her body. She places her head down to her knees, and then looks up and pins me with her hazel eyes. “If I tell you, there’s no fixing it. You can’t do anything, okay?” When I keep quiet, she urges me again. “Promise, Dex.” She cocks her head to the side, showing me how serious she is.

  Placing my two fingers up, “Scouts honor,” I joke, and it eases the seriousness slightly.

  “Let’s just say, things didn’t pan out like I thought they would when I left after graduation. I went back to my dad’s four or so months ago. Anyway, Nico made a move and got a little forceful with me.” I stand up suddenly, and the stool crashes to the floor. Chrissy stands and places her hand on my chest to calm me. “Nothing happened, you know I can take care of myself. But that’s when I came up here to The Loft. But I just couldn’t throw all this on you. Especially after I …” She doesn’t finish what should be after she left my life. “I’ve been in my car, in and out of cheap hotels the last few months, trying to dig my way out of it. I’m so ashamed you found me at Weddle’s, drunk off my ass, owing money. Somehow I lost myself for a brief moment.” She swipes her finger along the bottom of her right eye. “But thank you for bringing me here.” She pauses, taking a deep breath. “I promise this is the last time you have to rescue me.” She lets out an empty and uncomfortable giggle.

  “Jesus, Chrissy. Why?” I ask, pulling her into me. “Why the fuck wouldn’t you call me?”

  “Because I needed to stand on my own and I did … I was. I had this job and an apartment on my own. It was a studio, but it was mine. I even took a few classes at community. But then the shop closed, and I couldn’t find anything else. My apartment got broken into. It was like one thing after another,” she says into my chest, which I feel starting to slowly get wet.

  “I would have helped you, you know that,” I continue to reassure her. I don’t know when I decided to be her protector, but all of a sudden I took that role. It’s crazy that this girl in my arms has no idea she’s number one in my life. Whatever she wants, I’d wrestle a lion for.

  “I know, Dex, but you had a life to live and didn’t need me there.” She pulls away from me, wiping the last of her tears. I watch as her shell veils her once again, and I know in an instant our conversation is over. She’s finished discussing anything further.

  Like fucking clockwork, Rob barrels down the stairs and stops in his tracks at the bottom of the stairs. “Hey, friends,” he sarcastically sneers, and I roll my eyes at him. “It’s practice time. You should stay down here, Chrissy,” he says directly to her.

  She doesn’t have the opportunity to answer before Sadie and Brady are behind Rob. Then Trey comes down, waiting behind all of them. “What’s the hold up? I’ve got about two hours, and then I’m outta here, so let’s get this practice going.”

  “You could have brought some of them with you,” Sadie comments and turns around.

  “Okay, then I’d have more like an hour to actually practice, because I wouldn’t be able to keep my focus purely on this. Anyway.” He nudges past them all to escape behind his drum set. “Hey, Chrissy, nice to see you again. Kailey said you were in town,” he says while grabbing his sticks, starting to pound out some beats.

  “Hi, Trey. Nice to see you, too,” Chrissy responds and quickly leaves the room, moving to the couches with Sadie. I watch the two of them sit down, and Sadie starts in on a conversation immediately, but Chrissy’s eyes veer to me every few words.

  “You better decide what the hell you’re doing with that one,” Rob says, squeezing by me to reach his guitar.

  Ignoring Rob, I pick up my stool and finish replacing the string on my bass. Brady gives us a list of songs we’re practicing, and when the music begins filtering out, I notice the girls are too enthralled into their own conversation to worry about us.

  TOSSING ON A new shirt, I leave the confines of Ace’s bathroom to find we drew in a good crowd tonight. Mostly girls as usual. They all say hello to me as I walk down the hallway to The Invisibles’ usual booth. Giving a small wave to be pleasant, I steer clear from engaging because, let’s be honest, our fan base seems to be growing younger as we’re getting older. I mean, one of our members can’t even play because he’s married and his wife is about to pop a baby out any minute.

  Even our booth is getting crowded. I remember when Brady claimed it as ours the first time. Only the four of us sat there drinking and bullshitting. Then Brady invited Sadie, and it all slowly grew. Now as I walk up, after a pit stop at the bar, it’s Sadie, Brady, Kailey, Trey, Rob, Chrissy, and now, me.

  “Thanks for getting me one, dipshit,” Rob says, snapping his fingers to Veronica, the waitress.

  I slide in the booth and my knee brushes Chrissy’s, making her fidget slightly. My hand twitches with the thought of placing it on her bare knee. Downing my beer, I sit it down with a thud, and they all stare at me. Rounds of drinks are ordered as everyone tells stories that embarrass someone else. Everyone except for Rob, I doubt that guy could get embarrassed. Then Veronica says it’s time, and Brady’s the first to stand. He kisses his fiancé, and she lingers a little longer on his lips, like usual, to let the vultures know he’s taken. Likewise, Kailey does the same with Trey while I stand and Chrissy turns her attention to the girls. Rob hops over the booth wall and then on stage like some American ninja warrior. Girls clap, and I have to say ever since he returned, our crowd has increased.

  He playfully bows, and I catch Chrissy laughing at him. Jealousy of their friendship has been eating me alive lately and I’m not sure how much longer I can let it slide. Bending down, I ask one of our fans to go fetch me a beer and hand her a twenty. The hot, little brunette gladly does it, and when she returns to the edge of the stage, she holds it hostage until I kiss her on the cheek. When I rise to my feet, my eyes automatically go to Chrissy, who’s staring intently at the display in front of her, me kissing another girl on the cheek. Reminding me again, I’m an asshole and she should demand someone better.

  It’s like I can’t get enough alcohol in me tonight. During the gig, the brunette is my personal waitress, fetching me beers and shots anytime I request one. When the set ends, I have a really good buzz going. We put our instruments away, and before I even change my shirt, Trey and Kailey are halfway to the door.

  “Where are you guys going?” I scream after them, and Trey turns around, walking backwards.

  “We’ll be up at seven. Not everyone can sleep in,” he says over the crowd.

  Brady waits outside the booth for Sadie, who doesn’t really know what she wants to do at the moment. Her eyes shift between Chrissy and Brady until I sit down and place my arm around Chrissy’s shoulders. “We’ll be fine, go ahead, Sadie,” I permit her and she smiles while scooting out.

  “Okay, we’ll see you guys later,” Sadie says, and then she and Brady disappear as well.

 
“You want a drink?” I ask Chrissy, and she nods. “Come on,” I grab her hand and lead her to the bar. “Shot?”

  “Sure. Whatever,” she yells over the next band’s song.

  I order us two Lemon Drop shots and then a beer for both of us. She downs it immediately and then chugs the beer. Since I’m already halfway to fucked-up, I want her to catch up, so I order her another. A half hour later, she’s giggling and touching me on the arm. When girls come up to me to talk, she turns the other way until I tell them I’m not interested, and then she’s back on me. Part of me wishes she’d claim me as hers, but that’s never been her style.

  The cute brunette saunters over with my beer of choice in her hand. Chrissy crosses her legs and swivels the bar stool to the bar top while I talk with the girl, whom I find out’s name is Cadence. She’s a junior and a big fan of our band. She even asks me about Grant and Jessa, a little creepy if you ask me. I buy her a drink and when I’m paying the bartender, I find Chrissy chatting it up with a tall frat guy. I think I know him from the Rugby team I played on freshman year.

  I give him the classic head nod, but he doesn’t back away from her. Instead, he whispers something in her ear, making her giggle and she pushes him slightly like she always does to me. Hey, that’s only for me, I think to myself. Then her hand is in his, and he’s leading her to the dance floor. She never looks over at me or even acknowledges my existence. What the fuck just happened? Cadence paws at my arm, but I shrug her off, too focused on Chrissy on the dance floor.

  Letting a song go by, I intensely watch his hands on Chrissy while finishing my beer. Two songs later, I’m barely able to stay in my seat as I observe her body sway into his. By the fourth song, I’m up on my feet, storming through the crowded dance floor. Just as her hand is about to clasp onto the other around his neck, I snatch it in mine.

  “If you’re going to dance, you’re dancing with me,” I demand.

  “I’m dancing with Quinton,” she says, displaying that defiance I enjoy so much when I tell her what to do.

  Quinton looks over, and I nod my head at him to leave. Of course he follows my instructions. The nickname Hulk has been earned not only from my looks, but maybe due to a slight rage at times.

  I tuck her hands around my neck while mine grab her small framed hips. “Dance with me?” I semi ask nicely.

  “Do I have a choice?” she asks, bearing a welcoming smile.

  “No,” I answer, and her body steps a little closer.

  “What about your groupie?” she questions as her head leans on my shoulder.

  “She’s not you,” I remark as our two drunken bodies make their way around the dance floor to, Bleed by Hot Chelle Rae.

  Remaining quiet, we both allow the music to lead us through stumbled steps and soon our hands begin roaming across one another’s bodies. Her fingertips, lazily playing with the back of my hairline while my own fingers slide under her shirt at her waistline. Rubbing back and forth, her skin is like damn silk. Our touches are purposeful, electrifying each other with every brush. Instinctively, I kiss her forehead and she presses it against my lips as her body flushes against mine. She picks up her head and those hazel eyes fixate up at me. All those years and feelings unveiled for me to see. She’s lifted that barrier to let me in, if only for tonight. Without thinking, I position her head so I can claim her lips. Bending down, I waste no time in clashing our lips together and inserting my tongue into her mouth.

  She joins me with no hesitation, and it’s all I can do not to take her into the back hallway by the bathroom. Breaking from the kiss, I suggest an alternative. “Let’s get out of here.” I entwine our fingers and guide her out of Aces. When the cooler air of fall hits our warm faces, I can’t wait to taste her again. Pushing her against the brick exterior wall, I cradle her face in my hands and kiss her a little softer than I did in there, but still as demanding.

  “Take me back to the house,” she says, and since we’re too drunk to drive, I have no idea how I’ll hold off for the fifteen minute walk.

  I practically drag her down the street and cross the intersection that separates the downtown from the residential. Stopping every few houses, our tongues take turns colliding into each other’s mouth. My hands fist because of what they want to touch or do to her. But if I don’t wait until we’re in a bedroom, I’ll end up screwing her on someone’s lawn and she’s not meant for that.

  It must be an act of God that we make it to the house. Bypassing any sign of Brady or Sadie, I pull her up the stairs and through the door of my room. Once the door is shut, I push her up against the back of it and position myself between her legs. Holding her hands above her head, my face nuzzles into her neck and I suck her earlobe into my mouth. I kiss my way down her jawline until I reach her lips. She squirms to free herself out of my grasp but I don’t let up. Her pelvis darts out from the door to meet my hardness that’s tightening my jeans. Thrusting forward, I lock her in place with my hips pressed up against hers while my lips demand her attention in a more seductive and slow torture.

  “Take me, Dex,” she says breathlessly.

  “I’ve never wanted to more,” I tell her, although I probably just lied because there were times when I thought about nothing else other than me inside of her.

  Letting go of her arms, my hands grip her ass and yank her up so that she can straddle me. She responds, wrapping her long legs around my waist. I sit down on the edge of my bed and push her away from me so one of my hands can travel down the top of her body. The tight t-shirt she’s wearing allows me to cup her breasts, feeling how they fill my hands. Not too much, but just enough to satisfy me. When I rub my thumb over her tight peaked nipples, she moans and closes her eyes. My dick jumps further to life with the mental image of what she’ll look like when I make her come.

  I flip us over, so I’m on top, and she screams and laughs at the quick movement. She grabs the hem of my shirt and I snatch it off my body. A small whimper flows from her mouth with appreciation before her fingers begin tracing the grooves of my muscles. “I’ve dreamed about this,” she reveals, and I allow her to do what she wants, because her hands on me feels fucking amazing. Rising up on my knees, my legs on either side of her, her fingers travel down my torso, following my happy trail until she finds the button on my jeans. Manipulating the button, she opens my pants and gets a peak of my black boxer briefs.

  “Stand up,” she instructs, and I happily back up off the bed and allow her to push my jeans down to my ankles before I take my time stepping out of them.

  Left in just my boxers, I grab both her hands and pull her up from the bed. Quickly disrobing her, first by yanking down her skirt and then flinging her shirt over my shoulder, leaving her in only her bra and underwear. Wishing I could snap a photo, I try to beg my drunk brain to remember this image just in case it never happens again.

  She stands there so confident in her body like she should be. Then I turn her around and push her head down to the bed, and my finger hooks on the side of her panties, dragging them down her legs until they slide over her ankles. “Spread your legs,” I tell her, and she does.

  My pointer finger starts at the top of her folds and works its way back, feeling her wetness. Pushing my own boxers down, I press against her ass and she pushes back against me, obviously enjoying the feeling. When I walk over to the nightstand to grab a condom, she turns around and lies down on the bed. Her eyes are drooping, showing she’s half coherent. Her bra is still fastened behind her, and she’s staring up at me like I’m her damn prince charming. Whenever the thought of Chrissy and I getting together crossed my mind, it was never like this. Not some damn drunken fuck that she’ll never remember in the morning. Closing my eyes, I lower my head knowing guilt will eat me alive if I continue for the pure fact she deserves different. She needs someone who will cherish her and love her.

  Tossing the condom on the bed, I crawl up and kiss her forehead. She never asks any questions or tries to further the touching, but instead I nudge her up to m
y pillow, and we both climb under the blankets. I wrap my hands around her body and bring it to mine, hoping my guy calms down soon.

  Lying awake with her body pressed against mine, I nuzzle my head in the crook of her neck. A calmness washes over me that I’ve never felt before and although it scares me, I selfishly don’t pull away because it’s too good of a damn feeling. Eventually, I hear her soft breathing and I follow suit, allowing the alcohol to do its thing.

  “DEX!” SADIE SCREAMS while jiggling the doorknob. I bolt up and look down at my naked body. Dex begins to wrestle awake, and my only thought is getting the hell out of this room. Glancing back to his back, I scramble up and try to gather my clothes strewn around the room. With an armful of clothes, I take one last look at him sprawled out on the bed before sneaking out through the bathroom to my room.

  Once the door clicks shut, I flip the metal piece so he can’t come in. Taking a deep breath, I attempt to trigger my brain to remember everything that happened last night. Only bits and pieces come to mind. Drinking … lots of laughter … touching … dancing … kissing. Shit … kissing. Then I look down at my practically naked body minus my bra. No underwear, crap, did I sleep with Dex last night? No, No, I’d know if I did¸ right?

  “Jessa’s having the baby. She’s in labor,” she screams through the door, and then I hear Dex’s door creak open.

  “Jeez, Sadie, I don’t think Mrs. F heard you,” he says with a groggy voice.

  “You look like hell. Let’s go. Grant waited to call us until this morning, but it happened last night. He said she’s close.” Sadie’s footsteps start padding down the hall, and I hear them stop at the top of the stairs. “Should I wake Chrissy?”

  “Nah, let her sleep,” Dex responds. “I’ll meet you over there.”

  “Don’t be dilly dallying,” she instructs him, and he’s quiet for a second.