Damaged But Not Broken

by Hearts Collective

  The smile on my face is frozen in place as I slowly process that it is not Jami, but is in fact Blake.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask bluntly, not worrying about my manners. I hate taking this tone with Blake, but I’m too hurt to act otherwise.

  “Please, Paige. Can I come in to talk to you?”

  “I’m not really sure that’s a good idea.”

  “Paige, I need to speak with you. Five minutes.”

  I could cause a scene but that’s not going to do one bit of good since we’re about to go on tour soon. And I hate the idea of making things ugly with Blake. I hope we can get to a point where we can be friendly and I’ll be able to forget about how he crushed my heart.

  I let the door swing open and step back. Blake walks inside, looking around.

  “I’m sorry to interrupt you,” he says.

  “Why don’t we sit at the table,” I say abruptly, moving towards the kitchen table. I don’t offer Blake anything to drink and instead take a seat and look at him expectantly. I have no idea what this could be about and I just want him to get it over with.

  “Look, Paige. I was a complete ass; I know that. Seeing you again has been so confusing for me. I was shocked to see you at first and then spending time with you was so wonderful. You were just the way I remembered you, only even more charming and attractive. It made me feel like the past thirteen years were nothing, and we were picking up again where we left off.”

  He stops talking and I look down at my hands. I can’t look at him right now, because I know exactly what he’s describing. Except for me, it’s even more emotional because my short time with Blake has helped me heal more in two months than I did in thirteen years.

  “I just assumed that my relationship with Savannah was normal. That was how it was for some people, and I was willing to put up with all her crap. But then I was around you again, and everything felt so right and so easy, that it made me see my relationship with Savannah in an entirely different light.

  And right or wrong, the more time I spent with you, the more I envisioned being with you. Once that seed was there I couldn’t get it out of my head. I was constantly comparing Savannah to you and she was always coming up short.”

  A tear slides down my cheek, and I quickly wipe it away, angry with myself for showing such emotion. I’m not sure if Blake notices, but he continues.

  “The problem I kept having was whenever I was with you, I would doubt my relationship with Savannah. And when I was with Savannah, I would wonder if I had just imagined how great things were with you. But then I finally decided it was you I wanted, and I ended things with Savannah.

  But she cried and apologized, acting so upset and humble that I was thrown off guard. I had never seen her like that, and she had me thinking that I had made the wrong choice. That maybe things with Savannah weren’t as bad as I had imagined.

  After we left things at the Clipper, I felt terrible for hurting you. I went home to Savannah, only to hear her on the phone laughing to her friend about how she had fooled me. How all she had to do was cry a few tears and act all sorry, and I was back to eating out of the palm of her hand. She played me, so I wouldn’t humiliate her. It wasn’t even about me. She just didn’t want to be that jilted girl whose fiancé dumped her.”

  My eyes widen at shock with what Blake has told me. I loathe Savannah even more than I already did and I feel sorry for Blake, but that still doesn’t change the fact that he said he wanted to be with me, and then changed his mind and went back to Savannah.

  He pauses as if waiting for me to say something. I almost open my mouth to say that I’m sorry for him, but he decides to continue.

  “So, I came here to tell you that I ended things with Savannah once and for all. I was so angry when I heard her and I just went ballistic. I was throwing stuff, and knocking over chairs. I can’t believe I bought her bullshit and then hurt you in the process, because I know the damage with you was already done.

  I threw Savannah out, told her to pack up her shit and be gone by today. She tried to fight it, but finally knew I was serious when I began to gather up her stuff and throw it into trash bags. I threatened to call the cops when I get home tonight if she's not out there completely.”

  I’ve never really seen Blake angry and I try to picture him storming about his house, throwing Savannah’s belongings into plastic trash bags. If I weren’t so hurt, I would probably be cracking up right now.

  Blake starts again. “This morning her parents showed up with a truck, and they moved everything out. I haven’t heard from her since.”

  Now he waits, and the silence hangs in the air between us.

  “What do you want me to say, Blake?” I ask quietly.

  His face is hopeful, but it falls.

  “I don’t know!” he says with frustration. “I just thought you should know.”

  “I appreciate you coming here and telling me this, and I’m sorry that it’s been such an ordeal for you, but I just don’t know what to make of it. You chose me and then changed your mind. If you hadn’t caught Savannah talking to her friend, she would still be in your house now and you would still be together,” I point out.

  “I screwed up, Paige,” and his voice is so pained that I cringe.

  “Yes,” I agree. “And you can’t just show up here and tell me you threw Savannah out and now you want to make it right with me.”

  “Why?” he demands, “Why? I’m sorry. I know I fucked up. I never should have gone back with Savannah like that, but I just was so confused. I didn’t want to hurt anyone, and I realize now that someone was going to get hurt no matter what. And now instead of hurting one woman, I’ve hurt two.” He quickly adds, “Though I don’t care about hurting Savannah nearly as much as I care about hurting you.”

  I shake my head sadly. “I want to be with you, Blake. I just feel like I can’t go running back to you right now after you’ve hurt me. It’s a lot to take in and it seems like you’re still reeling from what happened with Savannah.”

  “I’m reeling from what happened with you! I had a moment of weakness and went back to Savannah. It was wrong. She's manipulative and conniving, and guilted me into giving up the fight. I see now that you and I were meant to be together, and I really hope I would have seen that quickly even if I hadn’t caught Savannah lying! Please, Paige. Don’t let this be the reason why we can't be together. We’ve waited thirteen years to be with one another again, and I don’t want this to come between us.”

  I hear everything Blake is saying, and I feel the same way in so many regards. But I feel like I have too much pride; I feel like a second choice.

  “I wanted to be your first choice,” I say in a soft voice.

  Blake makes a wounded sound. “You are, Paige, I swear you are. I know I’m a fucked up-asshole-dick head for how I went about things, but I’m certain now that you’re the only one for me. It’s you and only you.”

  “I want to be with you Blake, I do. I just can’t do it like this. I can’t have you sitting here telling me you threw Savannah out and now it’s my turn.”

  “God damn it, Paige!” he yells, pounding his fist on the table and making me jump. “What else do I have to do to prove I love you? That you’re the one for me?”

  “I don’t know. But I think you should go now.”

  I stand up and move towards the door.

  “It’s not ending like this Paige. I’m not giving up on you like this.”

  “Thanks for coming over to talk to me, Blake. I appreciate you being honest with me.”

  “Paige,” he pleads, not making any move for the door.

  I pull the door open and patiently wait. My heart is breaking inside and the sooner Blake leaves, the sooner I can curl into a ball and cry my eyes out. Because I want Blake more than anything in this world, but I don’t want to be with him like this. I don’t want to feel like he’s settling with me because Savannah was a bitch once and for all, as if he couldn't see that before.

  Blake fin
ally walks towards the door, and gently cups my face. I don’t move and instead stare into his deep green eyes. I can see that they are burning with love for me and I almost lose my resolve. It would be so easy to just throw myself into Blake’s arms and go from there.

  But how do I know if he is truly over Savannah? How do I know he’s not going to rebound with me? If he was that confused before, how can he be so sure now?

  “I won’t give up,” he vows and then he releases my face and walks to his truck.

  I quickly close the door, and then fall against it. I feel the sobs building in my chest, and I sink slowly down to the floor, holding my head in my hands. The sobs finally burst through my chest, and just as I knew I would, I curl into a ball and cry my eyes out.

  When my chest is raw, and I have no more tears, I stand up. I’m not sure how long I was on the floor, but I robotically head back to my room. I clean up the mess that Jami and I had made and I throw in laundry.

  I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I look awful. I splash water on my face and lay down with a cold rag over my eyes, hoping that will reduce the redness and puffiness. I’m grateful that I don’t have to sing tonight, and I marvel at how I’ve literally picked myself up off the floor and started doing chores.

  I realize that if I just keep going, just keep busy, I might be able to forget about Blake. I can take these feelings and tuck them away along with all the other feelings I keep bottled up inside me. So I take out each feeling that I have for Blake – love, hurt, anger, sadness, desire and carefully examine them before I bury them deep inside me, tucking them away until I can handle them again.

  Once, I’ve pushed all my feelings away, I decide that I need girl time. At least, I think I do. I haven’t really had girl time before, but I think this is what I need. The only person I can think of calling is Becky, so I pick up my phone and prepare to ask her if she wants to hang out this evening.

  SIXTEEN

  Blake

  Rejected

  I’m in shock as I drive back to my house. I expected that Paige would be hurt, but I did not expect her to flat-out refuse me. I guess I trusted too much in our feelings and didn’t estimate how much I actually hurt her. As if I didn’t feel like an asshole already, I now feel even worse. Paige sat there and told me that she loved me but that she just couldn’t be with me. She didn't want to be my second choice. If only I could show her that she isn't.

  It was never my intention to make her feel like she was a second choice. She wasn’t. It was always Paige, it had always been Paige. I just needed time to adjust to her returning and I had to sort out my own feelings. And in that process I hurt her so severely that she wanted nothing to do with me. I can hope that she might come around, but I needed to prepare myself for that not happening.

  Once I get home, I walk through the empty house. Savannah took some furniture that was mine before she moved in, but I don’t really care. I prefer the house this way, but I had imagined Paige spending time here. I try to think of ways that I can prove to her that I love her, but I know she doesn’t doubt that; she just doesn’t like the way I went about things.

  At a loss for what else to do, I pull out my guitar and start practicing some of the new songs that the band is testing out tonight. It’s going to be a long ten days before this tour starts, and even longer without Paige by my side.

  ~~~

  The days pass more quickly than I had imagined they would, and I didn’t realize how many last minute details went into a small tour like ours. We had to firm up cities and hotels, and outfits and instruments. Suddenly, it’s the morning that we leave for our tour, and I’m throwing my toothbrush and razor into my duffel bag before the van comes to pick me up.

  Since we’re a small tour, Kenny didn’t rent a large tour bus, and instead we’re traveling in a van and sleeping in hotels. The van is coming around to pick us up from our houses, and I’m not sure what to expect. Kenny is spending the first week or so with us, and then he’s heading back to Nashville to run his label. I don’t know if he and Paige will be on the van, or if it will just be the guys and I. We also have a manager, Liam, who will be joining us and will take over once Kenny goes back to Nashville.

  We kick off our tour in Memphis tonight, and I feel sick at the thought. I was never one to get nervous, but my nerves are in full force. This is our chance to make it and we can't fuck it up.

  True to her word, Paige’s given me plenty of distance since we last spoke, and I’ve hated every minute of it. We played in the same club a few nights ago and she did nothing more than nod at me in recognition, and it fucking hurt. I brought this on myself, so I dealt with, and I keep telling myself that maybe something will change while we’re on tour, it just takes time.

  I do one more check of the house, making sure all the blinds are drawn and everything is closed. I won’t be back for a month, and I think I’ve taken care of everything. I haul my bags and guitar onto the porch and just as I’m locking the door, a big ass van comes around the corner.

  The van pulls up in front of my house, and Kenny jumps out of the passenger seat.

  “Hey Blake!” he calls out, waving excitedly. He walks up to the porch and helps me grab my things and we lug them towards the rear of the van.

  “We’ve got a big ol’ space back here to store everything. Of course Paige took up half the damn storage area with all her bags,” he laughs.

  She’s in the van.

  Kenny yanks open the rear doors to the van, and sure enough there’s a large space piled high with luggage and packed instruments. I seem to be the last one to be picked up. We stow my things carefully on top, and Kenny slams the doors shut. He pulls open the two doors to get inside the van and laughs again.

  “Good luck finding a seat!”

  I climb up the three steps and look at a number of faces. In the first row, I see Liam, our manager, along with a roadie Jack who is helping with set up and sound. Ben and Ryan are in the second row and they call out and cheer when I step on. I could squeeze next to them if I had to. But seated in the back, playing nervously with her hair is Paige. And she has the entire row to herself.

  She looks up at me, and our eyes meet. She gives me a small grin as if to say, “Well, here we are.” I can’t help but smile back at her, and I squeeze down the small aisle and make my way to the back row.

  “Hi,” she says quietly as I sit down beside her.

  “Hi.”

  “And this here is our driver – Elvis!” Kenny loudly introduces. Elvis, who looks to be in his mid-fifties, turns around and waves to me.

  “Named after the king of Rock and Roll,” he crows, revving the engine and pulling away from my house.

  We start making our way out of the city, and Ryan turns around to talk to me.

  “I am so fucking psyched!” he says to me and then looks at Paige. “Oh, sorry,” he says sheepishly, apologizing for his language.

  Paige waves him off and Ryan looks back at me. “We are going to kill on this tour, man. Kenny was just telling us that nearly every club is sold out – they’ve been billing us as the two hottest upcoming country acts in Nashville!”

  Ben turns around at that point and we spend a few minutes discussing the order in which we want to play our songs. Kenny has been pretty great about letting us decide which songs we want to do each night and how to open and close. We’ve been playing clubs for a while, so we already have a pretty good sense of what works well and what doesn’t when we’re onstage.

  Even though I’m having a conversation with the guys, I’m hyper aware of Paige sitting next to me. I’ve carefully taken in every aspect of her appearance without overtly staring at her. She’s dressed in black yoga pants and a fitted pink t-shirt, and her blonde hair is in a loose braid, which she’s pulled over one shoulder. She’s obviously dressed down to travel, but she’s still incredibly sexy. I’m so close to her that I can smell her raspberry shampoo and I have to stop myself from leaning in closer to inhale the tantalizing scent.
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  As the guys and I talk, I notice Paige playing with an imaginary piece of lint on her pants, and then twist the silver ring around her finger. She pulls her phone out of the bag sitting next to her, and scrolls through it absentmindedly before slipping it back into her purse.

  Ben and Ryan turn back around, and I sit there next to Paige, feeling the electricity crackle between us. I can’t tell what is actually going on, but it’s clear that we’re both aware of the other person.

  I can’t take it any longer.

  “How are you?” I ask in a low voice, still not looking directly at her.

  I see her shrug out of the corner of my eyes.

  “Fine,” she says.

  “Liar,” I can’t help responding.

  She tenses up for a minute and then relaxes.

  “You’re right. I’m not fine.” It seems that she wants to say more but she doesn’t elaborate.

  “I’ve been shitty,” I admit and I feel her nod.

  “I’ve missed you,” she whispers.

  Automatically, I reach for her hand and she doesn’t pull it away. I squeeze it and tug it into my lap.

  “I’ve missed you, too.”

  We don’t say anything else for a long time; we just sit there holding hands, listening to the conversations around us, and watching the towns pass by from our windows.

  “So what are we now?” Paige asks softly, finally breaking the silence.

  “I don’t know, Paige. You know what I want us to be. I think the ball is in your court.”

  She’s quiet again for a long time and I glance at her to see if she’s fallen asleep. She’s staring out her window.

  “Let’s see how things go,” she replies, and because that’s better than “no,” I don’t push it or ask for an explanation.

  ~~~

  We reach Memphis with plenty of time to spare, and we get checked into our hotel early. Paige has a small room to herself, and I'm sharing a larger room with Ben and Ryan, directly across the hall from her. Kenny, Liam and Jack disappeared to the club to set up. Apparently, we were booked in one of the bigger clubs in Memphis and they were nearly sold out.