Confessions of a Military Wife

by Mollie Gross

  Autumn and I remain in touch. Her marriage ended after her husband’s third deployment to Iraq.

  I used to cast judgment on military families getting divorced, but what happened to Autumn opened my eyes.

  Her husband returned a very different man. They tried going to counseling and talking things out, but finding a compromise proved elusive.

  Autumn found out in a message from her in-laws what their next duty station was. Her husband had not bothered to tell her they were moving.

  By this time Autumn had returned to school to get her teacher’s credential so she could work wherever they were stationed. She had accepted volunteer positions and found hobbies to keep her busy during his deployments. Wisely, she had bettered herself and her health prepping for a life as a military wife.

  Then her husband came home one day and said, “You have lost too much weight with all this exercising you’re doing, I liked you better when you had big boobs and a big butt.”

  I hit the roof when I heard this. Jon had been thrilled to hear Michelle and I were walking everyday. He would have been overjoyed if I had taken up a more aggressive hobby like surfing or running, as Autumn had done.

  The final straw for Autumn, though, came after one counseling session when her husband said to her, “I just can’t see myself having a family anymore.” He didn’t mean children; he meant her as his wife. The marriage was indeed over.

  Earlier in the book, I wrote that in order to make a military marriage work you have to make your man your number one priority and accept that you are number two. But I meant you are number two behind the military, not behind his wants. The biggest part of being married is to live for someone else, and to strive to make them happy.

  Autumn was the one wife who accepted the military lifestyle and role as a housewife better than the rest of us. She became my role model. Because of her example I embraced being a housewife and took pride in being a good one. I was shocked to see her marriage fall apart. I knew she had done her best to contribute to the union, but he had changed beyond what could be repaired.

  Autumn is very happy now. We still have the most fun together and can be around each other for hours without getting on one another’s nerves. She has moved on and is thriving in her new life.

  OUR SORORITY

  Since our time on Camp Pendleton and surviving the war together, all of us report we just can’t find that same magical chemistry in the new places we live. Whether it’s a new base housing community or a civilian neighborhood, my “sorority sisters” across the world now have the same complaint: “It’s just not like Camp Pendleton!”

  Indeed, that time together was like being in a sorority. I had worked my way through college and never experienced being in a sorority, but I imagine it was similar to our neighborhood on base.

  I was chatting with Michelle’s husband, Kevin, on a visit to the East coast and he confided that Michelle was just not as happy on their new base.

  “Mollie, I think she thought all bases would be like it was on Camp Pendleton, but they aren’t. I’ve never seen anything like that and I don’t think we ever will again. You all were just so bonded. You can’t repeat that.”

  He was right. We had all shared so much at such a unique time. It left us forever bonded.

  After that conversation I stopped searching for that type of friendship. I no longer needed to. I already had it.

  In the end, if war had brought us all together, then distance could not keep us apart. I love each of those women and their children with all my heart. I always will, no matter where we are in the world.

  NEW MARRIAGE

  Jon started growing his hair out, which I found totally disgusting.

  He started off slow by wearing a “Med Reg” when he returned from his second deployment. Then it moved into a “Low Reg.” I was getting suspicious. It was not sexually appealing at all.

  There was no smooth shaved feeling on the back of his head. Now there was HAIR! It was really freaking me out.

  I thought of all the tantrums I had thrown over the massages given by the Vietnamese ladies when he was getting his “High and Tight” cuts. Now I was begging him to shave it off.

  He told me that he would look “too militant” wearing a Jarhead haircut working in a civilian job. He was right. I finally accepted that he was growing his hair out.

  But growing hair was not the only change occurring in our marriage. I figured that since we had spent so much time apart in the military that the time for separation was over. I was wrong.

  His new job sent him out of town for weeks at a time, which forced me to PCS to Los Angeles alone. Jon’s new gig also meant working holidays and weekends. It was worse than the Corps because there was no pride behind it. To be honest, that first year out of the Corps was tougher on our marriage than our years in the military. Who would have thought that was possible?

  We had purchased a home and moved to a new city, but had no friends. We both had new jobs, but we were working opposite schedules. Jon was working nights and weekends. I worked days and had weekends off.

  In addition to adjusting to this new lifestyle, we were both coming down from military life and the effects of war. In the military we had spent so much time away from each other that it was like being on a perpetual honeymoon. There had been loving calls home, love letters, emails, flowers. In our new life, there was no romance.

  I thought we had had our fill of hardship when we left the military behind. I soon realized that all marriages require hard work, and that life is even harder. You just have to constantly work on it.

  We now had to overcome new misunderstandings with everyone around us. We were no longer military, and yet that was a huge part of who we were. Jon and I both went through a time when we felt we didn’t belong anywhere.

  The military had been such a huge part of our lives, but many folks in Los Angeles aren’t that receptive to military families. Jon had difficulty with the lack of pride and respect exhibited by his co-workers.

  I, on the other hand, had problems socially. Making new friends was hard for me for the first time in my life.

  Once again, we only had each other. And yet, we weren’t around one another very much. I found myself lonely and depressed—again.

  Jon started to withdraw. I could tell he needed time to be alone. I sensed he felt more comfortable doing activities by himself.

  Still, I was becoming increasingly needy and miserable.

  It was a very long, rough year. Our communication sucked. We were once again “riding our vows.”

  God blessed us by finding a new job for Jon one year later. We were relieved and thankful. We had not had a day off together for a year. Now we could spend holidays with family again. We were able to sleep together and Jon was sleeping better because he was working days.

  We accepted that we were very different people from the couple that had met at a fish fry years earlier. We also knew our marriage had changed.

  We accepted the changes in each other and we thanked God for each other, our love, and our marriage. We dealt everyday with the changes. It was so much a part of our lives that I barely noticed the changes in each of us.

  We were both working full time and I was pursuing my stand-up comedy and writing. But I was overwhelmed. At times I felt like I had three jobs—homemaker, sales rep, and entertainer.

  I had done everything for Jon for four years. I covered all the bases, from paying the bills, to cleaning every dish, to buying the groceries.

  This made me mad when I came home exhausted from a day at work and had to cook dinner and then write or study for a couple of hours before bedtime. How could he walk by a pile of dirty dishes and not do them? Resentment started to build inside me.

  I was finally living my dream (stand-up), but I was tired all the time. I was not as happy as I had been when life was simpler. That’s when I decided to go back to talk therapy. I needed a neutral ear to help me navigate back from all the deployments and separations from Jon.
This time Jon joined me. We had a lot of new adjustments to work through.

  In therapy, I finally got it through my head that Jon is not a mind reader. He didn’t know I wanted him to do the dishes. I had never asked! We were still living as though we were in the military and I was in charge of the house.

  Jon and I had to talk through how to run our new home as well as figure out how to share the housework. We addressed issues from our childhoods as well as the war. It was an amazing release for both of us, and we found out so much about each other’s feelings.

  I have to admit I miss our old way of life. It took me a while to understand that just because I could do it all it does not mean I have to.

  Jon started to pitch in around the house and we started having lovely dinners together as well as date nights. Our home was once again a place we both wanted to be.

  Our marriage began to improve. I can honestly say that our marriage is better now than it has ever been. I owe that to therapy and the commitment we have to each other.

  CAMO COMEDY

  As I began to incorporate more military wife jokes into my stand-up act, my identity changed to “The Military Wife.” Audiences laughed at the idea of military people trying to fit into the Los Angeles lifestyle.

  One day on stage I asked myself, “Why am I doing these jokes for these drunks in a Hollywood club? Why not do them for the wives on base who are trying to survive a deployment and need cheering up?”

  That’s when I began performing Military Wife Comedy just for the military. I placed edited sets on MySpace and my website so military wives could watch at their leisure, no matter where they were stationed.

  And then I geared up for a tour. I was determined to give back to a group of women I loved so much.

  I have found as much peace following my dream as I did supporting a group of ladies who are the strongest women I know. I am proud to be a member of the Silent Ranks.

  THE CALL YOU DON’T WANT

  In November of Jon’s first year out of the military, I received a call that his Commanding Officer had been killed in Iraq. It shook me to the core.

  I immediately drove to his wife’s home. I thought about how lucky we had been during those two deployments not to lose anyone so close to us. We got so many “all clear” calls from the Key Volunteer Network every week. What a blessing that we didn’t suffer the death of a close family friend.

  Those calls would shake me up, but I would thank the Lord that it was not my husband who had been killed. At the same time I had to pray for the families that were dealing with the devastating news.

  Now my friend was dealing with the loss of the love of her life. Jon and I were there for Karen and her kids. We went to the funeral, visited often, and sent a lot of emails.

  We continue to stay in contact with her. Her husband’s death was the first loss of someone who was close to both of us.

  Karen had been my KVC, my friend, and had come to numerous Bunco parties, birthday celebrations, and hang-out sessions in the backyard with kids bouncing and screaming on the trampoline.

  I was used to her comforting me; now it was my turn to comfort her. Jon and I keep a photo of Karen’s husband in our living room as a daily reminder of him and his family, and of how precious life really is.

  I pray for the widows of war every night. I pray for their courage, and blessed memories of the love they had, as well as for new companionship in whatever form it comes.

  WHAT THE MILITARY CAN DO FOR YOU

  The Marine Corps offered us an instant group of friends and a ready-made family. As I’ve said, the people we met in the Corps will be our friends for life, no matter where they live.

  I know that it’s not the Marine Corps that provides these great people and experiences. The Corps is a business. Like a machine, it functions automatically. It’s the people working within it who make it great. And it’s those people you must put your faith in.

  Too many men will chase after a rank or a goal in the military while leaving their families in second place. After twenty-five years of service, they expect that the military is going to do something for them, remember them, honor them, or thank them. Instead they retire and someone else takes their place. All they have after a quarter-century of dedicated service and sacrifice is a plaque and a hat. They mistakenly believe there would and should be more for them.

  Servicemen need to recognize the military doesn’t hold their hand when they’re ill, or have grandchildren come over for visits. The Corps will not be sitting by your side when you are old and feeble, but your family will be.

  You have to use the military like it uses you. The military has many wonderful opportunities, but it will not be there for you at all times; nor does it see you as an individual.

  Find pride in what you did for the military and your country (and for what it did for you), but realize that other things matter greatly. Families and servicemen with the right priorities and perspective will find a fulfilling life outside the service. Those who put too much into the structure will lose more than just their identities.

  HONESTY?

  One lazy day, months after Jon was out of the Corps, I heard this rumbling sound coming from Jon. I was blown away! My husband had just farted in front of me.

  In more than five years of marriage Jon had never done that. He is from one of those families where no one farts or poops. I, on the other hand, come from a family where my dad waits for us in the car with the windows rolled up. When we open the car doors, we’re blasted with toxic ass gas. My dad has turned farting into a sport. My two brothers and I used farts as a weapon.

  The only time I ever saw my mother cry was when dad farted in public. She laughed so hard that tears ran down her cheeks.

  I respected that Jon came from a family that had different values when it came to bodily functions. I had always given him his privacy, but here was my husband of five years tooting in front of me.

  Of course, he instantly denied making the noise and made the same sound again by moving his foot along the couch. I was disappointed. He really hadn’t tooted in my presence.

  Not willing to let the subject go, I playfully teased Jon by telling him that he sometimes farts in his sleep. This was much too much. I had hit a nerve. He countered that I also farted in my sleep. The battle was on.

  I demanded to know when I had supposedly passed gas in my sleep. I had made every effort to hold back my frequent gas attacks for at least five years. In fact, I had purchased so much GAS-X during our marriage I should have also bought stock in the company.

  It was at that point that Jon revealed the most humiliating story I had ever heard in my life. He recalled the romantic story of the first time we had made love. After a very passionate night, Jon had awakened to find me still sleeping soundly. He stood up and gazed at the woman he loved. My golden hair was spread across the pillow and the morning sun was dancing over it.

  He described me as his tiny angel. As he stood at the end of the bed staring down at me, filled with happiness that we would share every morning of the rest of our lives together, I farted.

  The story made me scream and immediately burst into tears. My husband is no storyteller, nor does he know how to lie. I knew he was telling the truth and I was humiliated. Frankly, I believe that honesty is not always the best policy, especially in a marriage.

  To this day we do not fart in front of each other. That’s our new family rule. However, I can’t say the same for my dad. Jon is on his own there.

  CONCLUSION

  Jon and I are enjoying our new roles as civilians in service to the military. We hold the motto “Once a Marine, Always a Marine” close to our hearts.

  We enjoy meeting new families in the military and get such a thrill when we find ourselves sitting next to another veteran at a wedding reception or event. Finding another Marine in Los Angeles is like finding a diamond in the rough. We treasure each meeting and experience.

  Recently Jon bought tickets to go see the opera “Miss S
aigon.” It’s the story of a Marine who has an affair with a prostitute in Vietnam. As the story goes, the Marine discovers some years later that he has a child in Vietnam.

  After the show, I turned to Jon: “That was lovely, but are you trying to tell me something? The doorbell is not going to ring this weekend, is it?”

  GLOSSARY

  ALPHAS: or service alphas: a semi formal uniform worn when reporting to a new duty station.

  BAH: Basic allowance for housing.

  BCGs: Birth control goggles.

  BOQ: basic officer’s quarters; temporary housing for officers.

  BUNCO: Dice game popular with military wives.

  CACO: Casualty assistance calls officer who helps the family in the event of a service member’s death.

  CAX: Combined arms exercise.

  CO: Commanding officer, the boss.

  COMMISSARY: Grocery store for military on base.

  COVER: A hat.

  DEPENDENT: A legal term given to those receiving financial support from the service member.

  DEVIL DOG: Nickname and term of endearment for Marines.

  DI: Drill Instructor.

  DITY MOVE: Do it yourself move. The military reimburses you to move yourself from one duty station to the next.

  DRESS BLUES: Formal uniform worn to the ball, or any formal event.

  DUTY: Standing guard, or having guard detail.

  DUTY STATION: Location of your service member’s job.

  EAS: End of Active Service.

  GRUNT: Infantry, artillery, armor, men of combat arms.

  HAZARDOUS DUTY PAY: Increase in pay given any time a service member is stationed in an area deemed hazardous.

  ICE: Interactive customer evaluation. Online comment card for MWR and MCCS.

  IOC: Infantry Officers Course.

  JAG: Judge Advocate General, a military lawyer.

  KV/KVC/KVN: Key volunteer is the person who relays information from the battalion to the dependents back home, a deployment support network. A KVC is the coordinator of the volunteers. The KVN is the network of volunteers. The Corps has since replaced this system with the Family Readiness Officer.