Inbox Full of Crazy

by Chris-Rachael Oseland

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  Hi

  Match keeps bouncing my picture because it’s too big. My cock can’t fit in something so small. You won’t beleive it in person.

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  Ok let me start by saying you put together a very good add that clearly states what you want and expect..... Next let me say that by the way you put words together Im already attracted to you.....A little about me Im 35 white and i'm in the marine corps and funny very respectful and my initial attraction starts like you with what a person has between those as of late seldomly using auditory listening devices called eye glass holder uppers! I listen I don't prejudge I like things that taste good I try to please a girl way way before I want to be pleased and lastly my thumb cramps up from typing this on my I phone and I hate run on sentences which is what this is.....in case you didn't know.....Xoxo

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  26 year old single virgin. I'm not telling you that to turn you on. Quite the contrary actually. I'm not wierd, I'm told I'm quite charming actually. I wouldn't even say I'm all that shy really the opportunity really has just not presented itself. So now I'm having to resort to just being very blunt and this just seemed like a good place to start. I'm not looking for a searious relationship, just someone who is willing to keep things simple and meet casually and discreetly to teach me how to really please a woman. I'm turned on by teacher types too. Hit me up if you want to here more. I'm open to suggestions. Hope to hear from you soon

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  If you like meat I guess you can call me the deli hope you don’t like your sandwich plain though. I can take a block of meat and shred it into soft smooth tasteful delight that will make you want to eat more!!!! If interested please reply!!!

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  Sounds 2 me like ur sexy little organ between ur ears is smarter then most 2 peoples combined. What's ur story, morning glory? Do u spread like a lilly or keep ur rosebud tite?

  Randomly Weird

  I can honestly say I don't have the faintest clue what set some of these guys off. I don't have any closeups of my feet online (and have been assured by impartial third parties that they are perfectly ordinary.) I've never mentioned shopping in any of my profiles. I neither paint nor seek out painters.

  I put my absolute favorite WTF message first because honestly, I can't get over the imagery. There are so many things far more wrong with this carefully worded missive, but the window shaded by felt curtains makes me picture a tepid grey collection of dryer lint awkwardly held together by hardened Elmer’s glue. Behind it, a darkly tanned single mother in her late 40′s is kicking back with a bottle of Wild Turkey American Honey and occasionally flashing strangers with something that looks like a caramel wrapper left in the sun too long. Wait – it’s a breast wrinkled by a lifetime of cigarette smoking and tanning bed abuse. How can he resist? He “wont” because he “wonts” it too much!

  I understand the undying passion such a vision entails, but c’mon. After seeing the first Star Trek movie, don’t you think we inflicted more than enough interstellar damage with V’Ger? Don’t take this to the stars. Seriously. We’re already the backwater Alabama hick town of the Milky Way. Don’t give aliens any more reason to mock us.

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  Your standing in the frame of a window, your body silhouetted beneath the soft felt cloth that keeps my eyes from seeing all that l desire! A breeze flushes your clothing giving me a sent of what is to come. The power your posses over me is intoxicating. Your blouse is un-button down to your navel. Your breast tanned and exposed add to my desire to take you but l wont my self control back. You will have none of this you will take what you wont, when you wont it. Greece is where we have gone l have waited long for what you hold l will wait no more l will have you!——Stay toned——– If you like, write me back we will take this to the stars..

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  WTFuuuu?????????? Dem Feet!!!! why u put shitty horror freak show up try to blind me what ur probeem??????? Disgusting!!!!! put that freak ass shit in dumpster not on profile where men get blind go mad from have to look at it

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  i know u stupid but i like help stupid girls get better. u buy me drinks we go mallin i help u find good shoes will cover up them fugly ass troll shit on ur legsa. bring cash. dem freak shit need help. i got ur back!!!!!!!!!

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  ur muchness of body is interest to me. i paint on there be expression of soul 2 u unterstand not connfuse like worship of god women of old times before men understood god but now god forgotton and people confused so paint best is yues?

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  Lynch Dune? Really? In spite of or because of Sting's unbelievable (read whatever value judgment you like into that) performance? We need to discuss this in more detail. I'll pay for the wine. You bring the spice.

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  Why are you so self absorbed? Your whole profiel is you you you. Your job your hobbies your fav food. You have nice pics but you never say what you do for a man. No wonder you single. All you you you. I wnat to hear about me. Tell me why I shyould buy you dinner and stop being so selfish bitch.

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  I like to get dirty, girl! Stop being so kinky. Not what you think! I take my pickup offroad and tear through the woods like a wolverine. You bring a six pack and I'll take you with me. Make sure you wear a scarf over your face like you're robbing a bank.

  Pick Up Artist Openers

  Before you read on, let me assure you most single guys are just like you. Honest. They're a little lonely, a little awkward, and eager to find an actual boy or girlfriend so they can stop mucking about with the hassle of dating.

  Then there are the self appointed Pick Up Artists. These sultans of seduction, Romeos of romance, and creators of creepiness all believe that using the same math skills they learned playing Magic the Gathering combined with a badly mangled misunderstanding of linguistics will magically transform their cocks into your favorite flavor of lollipops.

  Don't walk away, ladies. Run. These guys treat dating the same way they do video games, complete with the same level of maturity and respect you find on X-Box Live. Reading their online forums, you can tell their vaunted tactics work just as well in real life as telling that whore to make you a sammich does in Call of Duty, but lack of success doesn't stop them. It only makes them angrier.

  The PUA (these guys love their acronyms) theory is that if they can whittle you down while making you laugh they'll get past your "bitch shield" and your panties will magically drop. Their main tactic for this is "negging," short for "negative hits" (taken right from the deepest bowels of sexist gamer culture, where they all snorkel in post-curry diarrhea before angrily venting on PUA forums that they managed to successfully neg a girl within 3 seconds but all that bitch said was, "Touch me again and I'm calling the bouncer, you creep." )

  These men have a whole host of other ways they've convinced themselves they can con a woman into believing they're such butch alpha males that evolution will force her tiny girl brain into a frenzied mating spasm that instant. Reading their acronym list and explanations alone is a great drinking game for a girl's night, so long as none of you need to be sober by Tuesday. Sadly, gentlemen, since most of you are decent human beings, I advise you not to venture into that treacherous swamp if you don't want to spend the rest of your evening in a scalding hot shower trying to wash away embarrassment over sharing a Y chromosome with those trolls.

  I've received each one of these messages at least ten times from ten different guys. The annoying thing is some of the messages really are kind of fun. In fact, the first instance of some of these earned actual replies. Instead of the witty banter I was expecting, though, I was blindsided by a random crime against spelling chock full of blisteringly sexist remarks and a reminder that I should come over and suck his dick right now. But be quick about it, because I need to be gone before Late Night Swim starts on the Cartoon Network. Googling the first message that set off that tirade invariably led me back to a PUA forum.

  Learn a lesson here, guys. If you can't a
ctually write your own opener, you're not going to have any game. Once you start replying on your own, it becomes blindingly obvious that you either copied that opener off a forum or a kind wingman wrote a playful message for his mentally disabled little brother.

  These are the guys who give online dating a skeevy reputation. They assume you're stupid, they think they're predators, and I can tell you from experience they're exactly the kind of entitled assholes who believe buying you a $2 Bud Lite at Happy Hour means you owe them a blow job.

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  Just wanted to say I find you very attractive. If I got to know you, I would invite you over for a romantic dinner and as soon as you arrived, I would pull you close and whisper in your ear "I have a swanson tv dinner in the freezer with your name on it." Then I would fill your wine glass with welch's grape juice

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  So what if I’m an asshole?

  I'm a jerk. period. If you ask me "Does this yellow raincoat make me look fat?" I'll tell you: " No baby....it makes you look like a fuckin' school bus!!"

  But I'm an even-handed jerk. I'll cook if you'll clean up.

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  I would swim up the Amazon with 45 pound dumbells tied to my scrotum and Ellen Degeneres ? queff as my air supply if it meant I could eat a seasfood dinner with you over skype on a dail up internet connection

  Not serious....

  Kinda serious....

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  Dear Miss

  After a rigorously brief overview of your profile, I wanted to let you know I have already married and divorced you in my mind.

  Thanks for all the wonderful imaginary memories.... You will always have a special place in my heart.

  You ex-hubby

  ps.

  You can keep the bech house in Blackpool as long as I can have the dog and my cd's back.

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  Oh heavenly blessed beauty whos beauty is above and beyond anything I have witnessed in my 24 years of existence. Words cannot describe the feeling that pulsed through my penis when I laid upon your picture... I would swim across shark infested waters with open wounds, wrestle a crocodile with my arms bound behind my back and crawl on my hands and knees over sand paper, just to sniff a single pubic hair you shaved over a month ago. (assuming you are shaven)

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  My, my, who is this heavenly blessed beauty???

  Introduce yourself, oh resolution of the divine, embodiment of Heaven's purest angelic perfection, progenitor of Aphrodite's DNA!

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  I would climb Mt. Everest using Snooki's farts as my only air supply and a banana hammock as my only clothing if it meant that I could have cyber sex on skype in morse code on a dial-up connection in a VERY rainy day with the male nurse who happened to be in the delivery room when you were born

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  Hey, are you a good driver? My friend and I are robbing a bank on Tuesday. we need you to pick us up at 11:00 and drive us to the airport. You get 3%.

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  I’m lost… I can’t find my friends and I’m scared… Remember when we were kids and you could just make new friends whenever you wanted… and you said ‘want to be my friend?’ Do you guys want to by my NEW friend?”

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  You look Stunning!.....I Have to be straight with you, I was Paid to say that......But I would have said it for free because I don't like lying

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  if i were a Flower I would reach up to u stretching to my most extended peak

  In pursuit to feel ur warmth ur Love

  Understanding that my life is enhanced by ur presence

  U r the sun

  hi

  i am appreciate meeting new interesting people

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  After reading your profile,checking out your pictures and calling a few of America's best trained professionals..we came to the conclusion that I can in fact.... beat you at a thumb wrestling competition.I know its heartbreaking,but I bet you really are an awesome person... :/

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  "Hey, so I thought of this really witty but cute message to send you but I got distracted by a pizza ad....so...hi?"

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  Make me dinner.

  Just Kidding.

  Unless you're down....

  Then I like my steak Medium Rare...

  Lol just kidding

  Medium Well.

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  “hey, so do you have a job? I need a woman who can support me while I play video games all day.”

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  I want a relationship but don't have time for women.

  I'm successful but I'm dirt poor.

  I'm a nice guy butI'm a complete asshole

  I'm uneducated yet enlightened

  I love to fight but don't I believe in violence

  I work in sales but believe I in honesty

  I'm a total dreamer yet completely pragmatic

  And Carmen Santiago is a sexy bitch (referring to the pic in your ad) (no offense intended, I meant that in a good way)

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  I like animals, but eat meat. Don't smoke, but love the smell of burnt nicotine. Cook with beer, but can't drink it. I am a man, but tear up like a girl when a fictional character dies in a movie.

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  Hey lady. So now that I've violated my own morals and joined an online dating site, I figured now would be a good time to try and woo you. I promise nothing but pictures of tiffany diamonds and lots of e-roses. Now don't get too excited, I mean I know your head over heals in-love with idea. There’s the extent of my witty streak for the night. So yeah, how do you end these things? A simple, Hmu, Facebook style? Nah we'll go with the classy, ttyl

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  If you were cat you'd be in big trouble right now!

  so i said to myself this online thing is so delicate...within 2 lines of the conversation you can surmise that someone is either extremely cool and fun or make you want to delete you account and run for the ocean.

  so total we have 4 lines to decide if the ocean is worth running for...ill start...hi =)

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  I'm better than these other dudes, I'm incredibly funny and fun as fuck to be around. You have gorgeous eyes, and your body is sexy as fuck. I'm definitely interested in talking with you.

  Get back to me, look forward to talking to you

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  You seem pretty interesting and fairly fun. I like that you have standards and can't say that that isn't the reason I find you attractive. I have many passions in life and enjoy the finer things, and you seem to be that type of person to. You also seem to be pretty straightforward and honest which is rare to find on a site like this.

  Anyways, don't be intimidated, I look forward to hearing back from you!

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  I read your profile and noticed something that I can't say about many girls on this website, you actually have a personality. Strike that and I'll take it one step further, you actually have a pulse.

  I've read vanilla profile after white bread profile on this website and came to believe I was dealing mostly with robots. And nobody wants to date a robot, they are made of metal and have claws

  The Good Ones: Responses to my "Evil Lair" Challenge

  Ladies and Gentlemen, I humbly present the following first contact emails as evidence that there are great people online. I mean it.

  Over the years, plenty of men and women have dissected my assorted dating ads only to come to the conclusion my geekiness brings out the batshittery in men. How else could I get so many good Christian men wanting to do such graphically unbiblical things to me?

  Dating ads are easy to change, so in response to the critiques, I toned it down. Out with the references to killing Sarah Connor and in with references to cooking spicy food. Out with my fondness for all things Joss Whedon and in with my love of kayaking. Out with any photos of me in costume or showing too much cleavage and in with photos of me standing in front of tourist spots.

  I was rewarded with a massive spike in dick pics accompanied by such tantal
izing messages as, “ride it t-nite!!!!” They weren’t even sexy penises. I mean seriously, guys, if you need one hand to fold the fat hanging from your belly out of the way in order to snap a cellphone shot of something that barely protrudes past your pubes, I guarantee there are no horny chicks dying to ride that tonight. Give up on dick picks and go develop a personality instead. Thank me when someday, a woman you charmed tells you she’s always preferred them that size because they’re easier to blow.

  Since my idea of fun doesn’t include acquiring herpes from something the size of a broken crayon, I decided to go back to the nerdy ads. The results were startling. Sure, there were a few well intentioned guys with a random grasp of punctuation, but they generally got points for trying. Better yet, there were some great responses from guys who took it seriously when I told them grammar was sexy.

  In case you're wondering why I'm still single, sadly a lot of these guys were 20+ years my senior. A lot more were married. But a few turned into great first dates, a couple resulted in short relationships, and a rare handful are still friends today. Sorry, people who say I should hide my geekiness. You're wrong.