I Can Explain

by Missy Johnson

“So, what’s going on?” I ask, taking a sip of my drink.

  I’ve already decided that I’m not going to like whatever it is he has to tell me. It’s got to be big, or he wouldn’t be here. He’s either dying, or he’s getting married. I’m not sure which piece of news will upset me more.

  “Not much. Same old shit, different day, really.” He frowns and studies the surface of the table, running his finger repeatedly over it a tiny crack in the wood. I’m almost at the point where I want to reach over and snap it off. “I just wanted to catch up because I feel like we lost contact when—”

  “When you stole my wife from me?” I supply.

  He glares at me. “You know as well as I do that things aren’t that black and white,” he growls. His eyes flash, daring me to dispute that. Then he sighs and presses his palms flat down on the table, as though he just remembered there’s a reason he’s here.

  “Since you brought Casey up…I did want to talk to you about something…” I raise my eyebrows as he hesitates. The poor guy looks like he’s about to pass out. “We’re getting married.”

  “You’re getting married?” I repeat, my voice sounding much calmer than I feel. Josh stares at me, looking for any hint of how I’m digesting his news, but I’m a master of disguising my emotions. “Congratulations.”

  “Do you actually mean that?” he asks with uncertainty.

  “Why wouldn’t I?” I say with a shrug. I stare him right in the eye until he breaks contact.

  “Chase, I know that you said that you were fine with us being together, but I just wanted to make sure you meant that,” he mumbles. He lifts his beer to his mouth and drinks half of it in one go.

  Yep. He’s definitely panicking.

  “Of course I meant it,” I snap. “Why wouldn’t I want the two of you happy? Just because Casey is the only woman I’ve ever loved, and my only brother stole her from my arms. Why would that make a difference?”

  “Chase, you know it wasn't like that, don't you?” He sounds frustrated now, which makes me happy.

  “Like what?” I ask innocently, pretending that I have no idea what he's talking about.

  “You were cheating on her, dammit,” he growls, his expression darkening. A little part of me feels like I’ve won, seeing him snap like that. “I know that doesn’t excuse me for falling in love with her, but it at least blurs the lines a little my way, right?” he asks.

  “I'm glad she's happy, and I'm glad you're the one who’s making her happy,” I say, ignoring the weight of Josh’s stare. I rub the bridge of my nose and then I force myself to smile at him, because that couldn’t have sounded less sincere if I’d tried. He sighs and bows his head, probably realizing that it’s probably the best response he’s going to get from me. I sigh and try to swallow my pride.

  “So, when is the wedding?” I ask.

  Josh’s eyes cast downwards. “It’s in three weeks.”

  I cough and raise my hand to my mouth, sputtering my drink into my clenched fist.

  “Three weeks? That’s an awfully short engagement,” I say with a growl.

  “Not really. We’ve, uh, we’ve been engaged for about six months,” he mumbles, not meeting my eyes.

  I snort. He’s spent more time looking at the floor than me since we got here, which just about sums up this whole night.

  “And you’re only now getting around to telling me?” I ask, scowling at him.

  I don’t know whether to be amused or pissed, but being cut out of his life hurts more than I thought it would.

  “Am I even invited to this wedding, Josh?” I ask him.

  “Of course you are,” he snaps. “Why do you think I’m here?”

  “But I wasn’t invited a week ago, was I?” I press. “Or didn’t you think I’d need the six months’ notice your other guests received. Because, you know, I sit on my ass all day and do nothing. What the hell do I need time to plan for?”

  “No, I…” He sighs and sits back in his chair. “You want me to be honest with you? No. you weren’t invited last week because, until today, Case didn’t want you there.”

  “Then, what’s changed?” I ask.

  “She realized how much I want you there,” he says quietly.

  “Well, if you want me there, how could I possibly refuse?” I say dryly.

  I bite my tongue and back down from the conversation like I always do when it comes to Josh. Because no matter what happens, he’ll always be my baby brother. If the choice had been mine, we wouldn’t have lost contact like we did, because we’re the only family each other have. Josh pauses long enough to raise his eyes to mine. Anxiety flashes through them.

  “So? Will you come?” he asks quietly.

  “I’ll be there,” I say, after a brief pause. “You know I’ll fucking be there.”

  I remember the day our parents died like it was yesterday, even though it was twenty years ago. I was nine, and Josh was only five. When they told me that they’d been killed in a car accident on the way to our school, I didn’t cry. Instead, I wrapped my arms around Josh and told him everything was going to be fine. I knew I had to be the man and protect my little brother. I had no idea what was going to happen to us, but I couldn’t let him know that.

  That night, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and held him in his bed as he cried. I promised him that no matter what, I’d always be there for him. I’d never let him feel alone.

  I made a promise once. I’m not about to break it.

  “There’s, uh, one more thing,” he finally mumbles.

  “What now?” I ask with an exasperated sigh. I shift in my seat, feeling restless.

  “You can tell me to go to hell, but I want to know if you’d be my best man.” He winces as he forces the words out, like he’s sure they’re going to be the ones that break me.

  “At your wedding?” I say with a laugh. “It's not enough that you’ve given me three weeks’ notice after not hearing from you in two years. Or that you're marrying my ex-wife?”

  “Sorry, I shouldn't have even asked you,” Josh mutters.

  “No. It's fine,” I say. I sigh and rub the back of my neck. “If that’s what it takes to convince you that I'm okay with you two getting married, then fine.”

  I finish my drink and then stand up, pushing my chair back in.

  “I better get home. It’s been a long day, and I have even more on for tomorrow.”

  “Okay, I’ll be in touch. And Chase?” He pauses, his dark eyes meeting mine. “Thanks for this. It means a lot to me.”

  “No problem,” I say as I stare into his eyes. “Though next time you ask for my blessing to marry my ex-wife, maybe make sure it’s not on our damn wedding anniversary?”

  I stalk out before he can answer, leaving him to ponder that.

  It's a good twenty minutes from the bar to my place, but I decide to walk and catch a cab to work tomorrow. I figure I can use the time to think and clear my head. It has nothing to do with the fact that I know all I’ll be thinking about when I get back to my large, empty apartment is how alone I really am.

  “Fuck,” I hiss, running my hands through my hair.

  A passing woman gives me a wide berth and tightens her grip on her purse as she walks by me. I laugh because now I’m that strange guy in the street who nobody wants to be near.

  Tonight was strangely reminiscent of the same night three years ago. Our last anniversary together, which I spent alone, walking home from a bar, just like this. Only back then, it was much later and I was so drunk, I could barely walk.

  How the fuck did things get so messed up?

  I met Casey in my second year of college. I pretty much knew right away that she was someone I wanted to be with. I couldn't resist that long, blonde hair or the way her steel blue eyes felt like they were ripping through my soul every time she looked at me. She had me wrapped around her finger from pretty much the word go, and she damn well knew it.

  Early on in our relationship, I was the perfect boyfriend. But as my studies be
came more demanding, she had to share my attention, something she didn’t take very well. She’d get frustrated at me for working too late into the night or for forgetting the one month anniversary of our first date. Or missing a dinner reservation because I put all my time and energy into my studies.

  I was ambitious and determined to make something of my life, and I wasn’t going to let anything get in the way of that. Not even Casey. I loved her. I loved her more than anything, but I struggled to show her that. Still, I persevered. I wanted to give her the life she deserved, and I wanted to show Josh that anything was achievable if you worked hard enough for it.

  That’s kind of funny, considering he ended up with my wife.

  When we left college and got married, things were better for a while, but once I found my place in the business world, that quickly began to change. Just like college, I put everything into getting to where I am now, and I sacrificed my marriage in the process. I regret that every day. More than anyone knows. Especially Josh.

  Josh thinks he knows everything that happened between Casey and me, but he doesn't know the half of it. Not that I'll ever tell him, because if he found out the truth, it would crush him. As much as I'm hurting, I don’t want my brother to suffer. I just want him to be happy.

  “Fuck. I’m such a pussy,” I mutter to myself.

  I shake my head at what a mess I am. I have every part of my life in place, except when it comes to the one thing I want. People assume that I'm this hard, intimidating guy who only cares about himself because that's what I want them to think. The truth is, I’m not. I'm the guy who’s jealous of his own brother because he's managed to achieve what I couldn't.

  Putting Casey first.

  I arrive back at my apartment and toss my keys down on the counter as I pass through the kitchen. Peeling off my clothes, I stumble down to the bathroom and turn on the shower. I’m not that drunk, but I can barely keep my eyes open as I stand under the thick stream of water.

  Turning off the taps, I step out and wrap the towel around my waist, then walk down to my bedroom. I quickly dry myself off and then climb onto the bed, collapsing face down into my pillows. I roll over and stare at the ceiling, too exhausted to bother covering myself up. As tired as I am, I can’t switch my mind off.

  What a fucking day. Learning about Josh and Casey really topped it off. The only highlight was learning that the assistant to my assistant wants to suck my cock.

  Chapter Four

  Alana

  I will not embarrass myself today.

  I figure if I say it enough, I’ll actually start to believe it.

  I march through the revolving doors that lead into the office complex, a good ten minutes early. It’s something I don’t think I’ve done in my entire life because getting in on time is usually a struggle in itself. I’m feeling pretty good about myself because today is a new day. And then I remember that this is Chase, and I’m me. No doubt I’ll give him plenty of other reasons to fire me before five o’clock hits. At least he can’t be on my back for being late. Then again, I haven’t made it up to the office yet. I still had time to ruin this.

  I impatiently press the button for the elevator, as if hitting it fifteen times is going to hurry the damn thing up. The doors eventually open and I step into the empty car and wait for the doors to close again. They’re just starting to creak shut when a hand appears out of nowhere, forcing them back open. I sigh because I was hoping to avoid small talk with someone I wasn’t really interested in chatting with. I keep my eyes on my phone, hoping I look too busy to interrupt.

  “I’m going to assume you haven’t realized that it’s me, because ignoring your boss like this could be considered very rude.”

  I freeze. That voice. Chase.

  For a second, I contemplate fleeing, but it’s four stupid levels. If I can’t handle being in his presence for that short a time, I have no business being here at all.

  “Sorry, I was busy with…”

  My voice trails off, because admitting I’m trawling Facebook just feels wrong. He smirks at me, obviously enjoying my discomfort. This guy thrives on seeing me squirm and not in a good way. I hunch down and study my phone, so he can’t see the color rise up to my cheeks.

  “Facebook?” he questions. I look up to find him peering over my shoulder. “If you’re finding yourself with too much spare time, I’d be happy to provide you with something to fill that space,” he murmurs.

  I cringe and shove my phone back in my bag—the thought of him filling any space of mine is way too much.

  “Thanks for the offer, but I think I’m okay,” I manage to reply.

  My heart pounds in my chest as I stare straight ahead at the door. I’m trying to not focus on the sound of his breathing, but it’s hard when he insists on standing so close to me. Then, out of nowhere, his fingers are touching my waist. I jump and turn around to glare at him.

  “Sorry, I lost my footing and stumbled right into you there for a second,” he says innocently. I frown because I can’t tell if he’s serious or not. “Don’t worry, Alana, I'm not going to bite,” he promises. His eyes shine as he adds, “That is, unless you want me to.”

  My knees shake. I’m frozen on the spot and unable to move as my heart pounds out of control. The worst part is, the idea of him biting me or doing anything at all is turning me on to no end. My heart is beating so loud that I’m sure he can hear it. I step to the side, so I’m standing against the wall, not comfortable with being in front of him. Not because I don’t trust him, but because the idea of him looking at me is making me anxious.

  “Are you okay?” he asks, his eyes sparkling. “You’re looking a bit pale.”

  “I’m fine,” I say, forcing a smile.

  I watch the levels as they slowly go up, one by one. It pauses on level three for what feels like forever, before we finally reach our floor. I shift impatiently, waiting for the doors to open, but they don’t. After a while, I start to panic, resisting the urge to step forward and start banging the shit out of the buttons to get this thing moving again.

  “For some reason, this particular elevator always seems to pause on level four for ages before the doors open,” Chase muses. “Have you noticed that?”

  “I'm certainly noticing it now,” I mutter, my heart skipping a beat. “You’d think management might look into something like that if they were aware of it,” I snap.

  God, I’m beginning to sweat. I swallow, trying to loosen my collar.

  He chuckles, his eyes twinkling with amusement. “You’re right. Management here really sucks, huh? You’re quite high strung when you’re stressed, Alana. Have you have ever thought of doing something to help you relax?”

  My head jerks around, and I flush, wondering what that’s supposed to mean.

  “What exactly are you suggesting?” I growl.

  He shrugs, that sexy smirk never leaving his lips. “I don’t know. Like meditation…or something,” he says.

  I scoff. The look in his eyes tells me he means anything but meditation.

  “Thanks, but I’m not really into that new age crap,” I retort, glancing at the door.

  “Then what are you into, Alana?” he asks. “Do you prefer to employ more proven strategies for relaxation?”

  I’m starting to feel sick, but I manage to glare at him as I try and think of a witty response. I panic when one doesn’t come, but I'm saved by the doors finally deciding to open. With a great big sigh of relief, I practically fall out of the elevator and onto my knees. He walks around me slowly, so he’s standing in front of me. I get to my feet, not daring to look him in the eye.

  “I'm late for work,” I mumble, before making my escape.

  “You do realize that I'm your boss?” he calls out to me as I bolt down the hallway. “I don't think it counts as being late for work when you’re late because you're talking to me.”

  I ignore him, even though he makes an excellent point and stumble into my office. I slam the door shut behind me, my heart racing.
Peyton looks up from her computer with a frown.

  “Are you okay?” she asks. I glance over to where Jade sits at her desk and nod.

  “Fine,” I mumble.

  I’m feeling anything but fine, but I don’t want to air my problems in front of Jade. I drag my chair forward and focus on the stack of files that Jade has generously dumped on my desk.

  I struggle to focus at first, but it isn’t long before I’m distracted away from my issues by mergers and reports that need updating in the system. I’m so lost in my own little world that I don’t even notice when Chase walks in, until he’s standing in front of my desk, staring down at me.

  “I need to borrow Alana for the day,” he announces to Jade, his eyes on me.

  “What?” I squeak. My eyes widen almost as far as Jade’s.

  He nods briskly. “I have to go and iron out some issues with the Phillip Trung merger, and I need someone there to take notes for me.”

  Probably because he never got his pen license. I stifle a laugh.

  “Peyton is faster at writing shorthand than her.” Jade frowns.

  “That’s wonderful, but I’ve requested Alana.” Chase frowns at Jade. “Do you have a problem with that?”

  “No,” she replies, her voice soft.

  I sit there, expecting him to say something else, when it becomes obvious he’s waiting for me. I jump up, gather my things together and toss them in my bag. My heart pounds as I follow him out the door. I don’t even trust myself to look at Peyton, who I can feel staring at me. Mainly because I don’t trust her not to give me a high five or something equally as obvious.

  The ride down in the elevator to the basement is quiet. He's busy reading something on his phone, and I'm doing my best to pretend I’m immersed in something myself. In reality, all I'm doing is staring at the blank screen on my phone, praying that A, I don’t make an idiot of myself, and B, the elevator doesn’t stop randomly again. I breathe out when the doors slide open and reveal the basement.

  I follow him over to his car. It looks expensive, but it's not as flashy as I was expecting. He clicks a button on his keys and unlocks the door, starting the ignition before we’re even in it. Mildly impressed, I open the passenger side and slide inside, clicking my seat belt into place. I clasp my hands in my lap, my nerves kicking up a gear at the idea of being in the same car as him. I have no idea what to say, so I stare out the window, my body tensing as he slides in beside me.