Right Kind Of Wrong

by Christina Marie

  “You Vance?” A guy asked.

  I looked up; it was one of the guys that was in the waiting room, the one that Tabitha had been sleeping on. “Yeah.” I croaked out and wiped at my face then stood up.

  He extended his hand out to me, “Name’s Brody, I’m a running back…I uh…” he cupped the back of his neck.

  I shook his hand, “What the fuck caused this?” I asked.

  Brody blew out a breath, “Well…”

  “A concussion, wasn’t it?” I asked.

  “I…I think so. I don’t know how the fuck he passed the tests though. I noticed a couple of weeks ago that he was forgetting plays. Him being the other running back though, it’s hard to say. We have to take a special test every Monday after a game though.” Brody blew out a breath and shook his head. “I’m going to replay every fucking game tape until I figure out when it happened.”

  “Is Tabitha awake?” I asked.

  He nodded his head, “Yeah, she’s—taking this real bad.” Brody stared off into the distance, “He talked about her all the time, and told me about what happened between you two. I had to give him credit, even though one of his best friends and his girlfriend did that to him…he took her back and considered you his friend.” Brody said.

  “I’m pretty sure he hated me…” I started to say but Brody interrupted me.

  “We talked about that and he didn’t hate you, might not trust you very far with his girl but he didn’t hate you. But…there’s been some things change recently. I don’t think now is the right time to talk about it though.”

  I scrubbed my hands down my face, “I’d better get back inside.” I told him.

  Brody nodded and we walked back into the hospital.

  When we walked back into the waiting room Vi was sitting next to Tabitha. The door clicking shut behind Brody made them both look up, one look at me and Tabitha started crying again. It felt like my heart was being ripped out by flaming talons. I walked over to her and knelt down in front of her, with no hesitation she leaned forward and wrapped her arms around my neck and sobbed against my shoulder.

  “If any of you would like to come back and see him before we transport him, you can.” A voice said from behind me. Tabitha tensed and started shaking.

  “I can’t go see him.” She whispered around a sob.

  I swallowed hard, “You don’t have to…”

  “I don’t think I’ll ever forget the images in my head, Vance. His lips were so blue…” Tabitha hugged me tighter unable to finish talking.

  Vi rubbed her back and wiped her own tears, “I’m not going to go see him.”

  I shook my head, “I don’t think I can.” I replied.

  Dad and Claire left with Morgan’s parents, “We’ll be back in a little bit.” Dad said. Even though I couldn’t see him I could hear the hurt in his voice.

  “I just want to go home.” Tabitha cried against my neck. “I want to go home…” she trailed off. A few minutes later her body relaxed, she had fallen asleep but still continued to sniffle and cry.

  Chapter 21

  Something rubbing back and forth against my hand woke me up, I blinked open my eyes; I was inside my vehicle. Vance was driving and Vidalia was asleep in the seat behind him, her head resting against the window. I looked down at my hand that was linked with Vance’s. His thumb skimmed back and forth against my knuckles. He looked over at me, the blue lights from the dash illuminated his face. “Hey.” He said softly then looked back at the road.

  I pulled my hand away and sat up in the seat, “Hey…” I pulled my feet up into the seat and wrapped my arms around my knees. I stared out the passenger side window at the darkness; hot tears flooded my eyes and felt like tiny streams of lava burning down my cheeks. My shoulders shook as I silently cried, “I’ve never had my heart ripped out before…it fuckin’ sucks.” I remembered Morgan’s message he had sent me. “He’s so wrong.” I whispered. My heart was being ripped out and it didn’t just suck—it was killing me. Blindly I reached my left hand over and found Vance’s that was wresting on the console. Without hesitation he linked his fingers with mine. I continued to silently cry until no more tears would fall.

  < < < > > >

  Days went by slow, people tried to call text and call me but I didn’t want to talk to any of them. The only phone call or text I wanted was from the one person I would never hear from again—Morgan.

  The day of his funeral I wanted to hide away in my room and pretend that it wasn’t real. That I wasn’t going to go see my boyfriend one last time before he was lowered into the ground.

  I dressed in a long black dress, pulled my hair into a low ponytail and slipped on a pair of black ballet flats. I sat on the edge of my bed and stared down at the necklace in my hand. Ever since Morgan had given me his class ring I wore it on a thick silver chain of his.

  Mom walked into my room and sat down beside me, hot tears blurred my vision until they trickled down my cheeks. I had no idea a person could cry this much. I cried myself to sleep every single night and would cry throughout the day. “Do you need me to help you with that?” Mom asked softly.

  I shook my head, no; with shaky hands I lifted the necklace and clasped it around my neck like I had done every other time after a shower or dance practice.

  “Rachel called my phone, she’s really worried about you.”

  “I’ll call her, just not today.” I replied.

  Mom nodded her head, “We need to leave in a few minutes.”

  I took a deep shaky breath and blew it out, “Okay.”

  The ride to town was silent, Vance drove my vehicle and Vidalia rode in the back. Since Morgan was so popular his funeral was being held in the school gymnasium to allow enough seating for everybody.

  Vance pulled in behind Morgan’s parent’s vehicle that was parked behind the hearse. Vance got out and walked around to my door as Vidalia got out on the other side. He opened the door and extended his hand out to me. He was dressed in a pair of blue jeans, his white football jersey, black Nike tennis shoes and a white baseball cap with the school mascot on the front. His blonde hair curled around the edges of the hat. Five of the football players would be pallbearers for Morgan, including Vance, Tyler, Corbin, Zane, Brody and the high school football coach.

  When we walked inside I stared at the glossy gym floor, unable to look up at where I knew Morgan was…in the casket.

  Vidalia squeezed my hand, “I’m going to go see him do you want to go?” She asked.

  I shook my head, no, “I…can’t.” I said then sat down in one of the folding chairs at the very back. Tyler and Corbin appeared in front of me, Tyler knelt down and tipped my chin up with his hand. His eyes were blood shot and his lashes wet.

  “Come here.” Tyler’s voice was gravelly and filled with emotion. I stood up the same time he did. He wrapped his arms around me and rubbed my back. “I don’t even know what to say, Tabitha.” He spoke against the top of my head. “It just doesn’t seem real. He looks like he’s asleep—like nothin’ is even wrong with him.” His voice cracked at the end.

  I squeezed my eyes shut, memories of Morgan rolled through my mind. I had laid awake staring at his beautiful masculine face so many times. I imagined his perfect lips parted with each breath he took while he slept. His jawline that I kissed until I was pressing my lips against his perfect soft lips. A small giggle escaped me and Tyler pulled away from me. “Sorry…” I wiped at my eyes.

  He smiled at me, “It’s good to see a little smile from you.”

  I smiled weakly, “I just had a memory of him, he was sleeping and I was admiring his face. Until he started snoring so loud that I jabbed him in the ribs to wake him up. I told him, ‘I don’t see how you can be so handsome and snore so loud.’ He looked over at me and said, ‘Woman you have no room to talk.’ After that he would randomly wake me up and tell me to shut my snorer off.”

  Vidalia and Vance walked back up to us, Vidalia was wiping her tears away and Vance had unshed tears lingering in t
he corners of his eyes. “He, uh, does look good. If you want to go up there.” Vance started to say but stopped when I shook my head no.

  I didn’t want to sit up front with Morgan’s parents, I wanted to be as far away from the casket as I could get but his mom dragged me into line beside her.

  Over the next hour I cried and cried while trying to avoid looking at the casket. Teachers, teammates, friends, and family members each spoke about memories of Morgan. Funny stories were told about when he was little and the trouble that he got in to.

  Vidalia was the last one to get up and talk. “Morgan…Morgan… Morgan,” she shook her head and laughed weakly. “He asked me so many times to be his girlfriend, I do believe the first time he asked me was when I was a fourth grader and he was in the fifth grade. Every year after that he would ask me to be his ‘girl’ and I rejected him. Then, Tabitha moved in with us. The night that Morgan met her at a party I will never forget. I could tell by the look in his eyes and the way she smiled at him, that they were meant to be together. He talked about her all the time, he told me over and over how happy she made him. Even when they hit a rough patch, he never stopped loving Tabitha. Seeing the two of them so happy always brought a smile to my face.” Vidalia wiped tears from her face and took a deep breath, “Thank you Morgan for being such an amazing person, we will never forget you and all the joy you brought into our lives. I put together a slide show; the song is ‘See you again’. She nodded toward the side of the stage and the music filled the gymnasium.

  “You have to watch this.” She whispered to me when she sat down beside me.

  That had to be the longest hardest cry I have ever released.

  At the cemetery I was starting to get so weak I couldn’t stand. I sat down and closed my eyes and let the gentle breeze blow across my face. The cold metal of Morgan’s class ring pressed against my chest. I reached up and slid it back and forth across the chain, when I opened my eyes the casket was being lowered into the ground and my heart shattered again and the tears fell down my cheeks.

  < < < > > >

  Depression was a dark deep hole that I fell into quickly. It was a battle that I wasn’t sure I would survive.

  After taking a week off of school, mom made me return. I walked into the office one day to talk to the dance team coach. I didn’t want to continue dancing, I couldn’t, it was like when Morgan died part of me died with him.

  “I’m not letting you quit. You’re amazing and have a very deep passion for dancing.” Coach Leslie told me.

  “But… I just can’t do it.” I said with a shaky voice and refused to look at her.

  “If you quit, your depression is only going to get worse, Tabi. He wouldn’t want you to quit either.” She said

  I blew out a breath, “I just miss him.”

  When I finally looked at her she was staring at the desk, “I’ve been in your shoes before. When I was a senior my boyfriend died in a car accident that we were in. He lost his life and I walked away with barely even a scratch. We had been out celebrating the scholarships we had both been awarded. He was going to play football and I was going to go dance at the same college. Only a few short weeks before graduation it all changed. I couldn’t even listen to the radio for the first month after it happened. Every single song reminded me of him, I went from loving music to hating it. The damage was done and I wanted to just curl up in my bed and wait until it was my turn to go be with the good lord.” Leslie looked up at me. Her eyes were glistening with tears, “Don’t throw away the opportunity you have in front of you. I’m not saying to forget about Morgan, because you never will. He’s always going to be in your heart. He would want you to throw your shoulders back and keep doing what you were doing before this happened.”

  Hot tears spilled down my cheeks and I quickly brushed them away with the sleeve of Morgan’s football hoodie. “I…I don’t know if I can.” I told her.

  She smiled a weak smile, “You can, we are all here for you. Anytime you need to talk, no matter what time of day or night you can call me.”

  “Okay, I’ll try.” I replied.

  Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months, my senior year was a big blur. Although I did continue to dance, I still found myself in the dark hole of depression. I was tired of crying and tired of hurting. Every time I felt like I was getting better, the sadness in my heart would return. Late at night after everybody was asleep I went to the barn and cried. Vance’s horse Jack would stand at the wooden gate and watch me. “I’m sorry. You’re probably trying to sleep aren’t you buddy?” I shook my head, “And now I’m talking to horses…I’m going crazy.” I said to him. His ears twitched, I walked over to him and stood face to face with him. He puffed out breath through his nose and stared at me, slowly I lifted my hand to his nose. The tiny whiskers poked my hand but the soft fur quickly soothed it. I continued to stroke his head starting between his ears to the tip of his nose. Then I rested my forehead against him and silently cried.

  “You…uh, okay?” Vance’s voice startled me.

  I spun around and quickly wiped away my tears. “I just needed a minute.” I said softly. He continued to walk toward me never taking his eyes off of me.

  “He’s a good listener.” Vance tipped his chin at Jack.

  I looked over my shoulder at Jack that was watching the two of us intently. “Yeah—yeah he is.”

  “Do you want to talk?” Vance asked. I turned and looked at him, his eyes never strayed from mine as he waited for me to answer him. I closed my eyes and shook my head. He reached up and brushed a strand of hair away from my face then lifted my chin with his fingers. When I opened my eyes Vance stared at me, “Open up to me Tabitha.” He said.

  “I…I can’t.” I told him and more tears blurred my vision.

  Vance shook his head and moved in closer to me, his chest was almost touching mine so I took a step back until my back was pressed against the stall door. He had me blocked in; my heart started beating rapidly and my fingers twitched when I thought about touching him. The heat of his body pressing against mine made me shiver, “Talk to me.” He whispered in my ear. His breath tickled against my skin…then memories of Morgan surfaced and I pushed Vance away.

  “I can’t!” I shook my head—and walked away from him. Before I walked out of the barn, I glanced over my shoulder at him. He stood with his hands on his hips as he watched me walk away.

  When I got inside I hurried upstairs to my room and threw myself onto my bed. My heart was still beating fast and I could still feel Vance’s breath on my skin. It was wrong…so wrong to want to feel more of him.

  With graduation only a few weeks away, while everybody else was excited and planning their parties I continued to seclude myself from everybody. Vidalia and Vance tried everything they could to get me to go out on occasions but…I just couldn’t go.

  “Sweetie do you think you need to be put on an antidepressant?” Mom asked.

  I shrugged my shoulders, “I don’t know, I just feel like I can’t wake up from a bad dream.”

  “We’ll go talk to the doctor tomorrow, okay?” she said.

  I nodded my head, “Okay.”

  < < < > > >

  The antidepressant helped immensely, although I was very hesitant to take it, the doctor recommended counseling as well. Rather than pay for one, I confided in Leslie. We laughed and cried together, talking to her was a huge help. “So—have you heard from Wilson University?” She asked.

  “Not yet, it’s okay though.”

  Leslie slid an envelope across the table and smiled at me. The Blue and Silver logo in the upper left corner made me inhale sharply. “Better open it.” She said with a smile.

  With shaky hands I pulled the envelope off the desk and stared at it, after I opened it I took out the paper. “Oh my god!” I could tell my eyes were huge. “I…they…really?” I shrieked.

  Leslie laughed, “They were very impressed with you and would love for you to be on their dance team as well as in their dance
program!” We both stood up and hugged each other. “You have to go in to this with an open mind, okay?”

  I knew that she was talking about going back to the same campus that Morgan died at. “I know. It’s going to be hard but I think I can do it.” I hugged her tightly then we released each other. “I need to go tell mom and Kevin, and Vidalia and Rachel—oh god I have to call Rachel and dad!”

  On the drive home I called Rachel and she squealed with excitement. “I’m SO happy for you! This is what you’ve always wanted! Some day you’re going to be on the jumbotron for a pro team!”

  When I got home the only person that was there was Vance. He was walking out of the barn, his shirt was off and tucked into his back pocket. I got out of my car and took off running toward him. His eyes got big, “Hey…oof”, he grunted when I threw myself at him and wrapped my legs around his waist.

  “I got in to WU, I’m going to be on their dance team!” I yelled with excitement.

  Vance chuckled and hugged me, “That’s awesome! I’m kinda gross from chores.”

  Then I realized I was still wrapped around him like a spider monkey. I quickly dropped my legs and tried to step away from him. He grabbed my hips to steady me. “Sorry…where’s mom and everybody?” I asked.

  “They’ll be back in a couple of hours.” Vance’s fingers flexed against my hips.

  We stood there, my hands resting on his forearms, I looked up from his sweat glistened chest and stared into his eyes. My heart started beating faster, my skin started to tingle. I took another small step toward him, what I did next took me by surprise. I slid my hands up his arms and rest my hands on his shoulders then rolled onto my tips toes as he lowered his head. Our lips touched and we both sucked in a jagged breath. My eyes fluttered shut the same time Vance’s did. When he sucked gently on my bottom lip, I opened my mouth and met his tongue with mine. A deep growl vibrated in his throat, I moved my hands up and tangled them in his hair. He pulled his mouth away from mine, both of us were breathing heavy, Vance trailed kisses down to my neck. He licked my throbbing pulse point, “Christ, Tabitha…” he whispered.