Love At First Sit

by Ysa Arcangel

  “I’ll leave you two alone,” she said softly and started to back away. Roxanne couldn’t help but smile at her kindness.

  “Years passed, the heat dwindled, and there was little communication between us. We grew apart. It’s hard, I’m telling you, especially if you’re apart. The temptation is always around the corner. I cursed myself that I gave in,” he continued.

  Roxanne silently listened to his side of the story.

  “When I saw Carmen again, the flame of what I’d felt for her before I’d met your mother came back. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I can’t describe how I felt every time I saw her. I was weak. I was falling out of love with your mother and back in love with Carmen.”

  “We’re only human, Pa. We are designed to fall out of love. And then, if we understand what real love is about, we fall back in love, deeper than before.”

  “That is not the case between me and your mother. One day I couldn’t imagine living without her and the next, I’m questioning if I ever loved her to begin with.”

  “But did you think about me? I was your only child, Pa.”

  “Of course. But I was selfish. I was thinking of my own happiness. I wanted to do the right thing, but I would be untrue to myself. I’d be constantly asking myself ‘what if,’ and even without Carmen I knew my relationship with your mother would have never been the same again. One way or another, I knew your mother and I would part ways.”

  “When you started living with Carmen,” said Roxanne, “I went on a rebellion. I felt so alone, so betrayed. I turned to Chris. I felt like he was the only person I could trust. Then I had the twins. Carmen was there when I needed someone to cry my heart out to. I can’t even hate her. I tried, but she’s too nice.”

  “She was very easy to love,” her father said.

  “Didn’t you even ask Ma to come home and rekindle what had been lost? Didn’t you want to try again with her?”

  “I tried, but she wouldn’t come home. I kept telling myself it’s wrong, but I couldn’t fool my heart. My heart beats for Carmen. I love your mother, but I was no longer in love with her,” he admitted.

  Roxanne pressed her lips together to keep the tears at bay.

  “If you’re sure about what you feel with Chris, then it’s worth taking chances. If you have a little niggling doubt about what you feel about him, listen to it. That little voice that nudges you in one direction when you’re stuck between two choices, most of the time, is right.”

  He stood up and joined the rest of the family in the living room.

  That day was an opportunity to make a fresh start—to move on from her past with Chris and begin anew. Or, she could ask him to stay, and they could be a family. But then, what of Candice, and Chris’s child with her?

  She thought of Wish and tried hard not to feel heartbreak, to not feel conflicted. But try as she might, it was there. She could still remember the day he’d visited her house, the way he looked at her, right before he’d walked away. Like he’d just lost everything.

  ***

  “She’s beautiful, Christopher. She looks at lot like you. And this little boy looks like your father.” Christina beamed at her grandchildren.

  The twins were about to take her hand to make mano, but Christina just bent over and kissed their cheeks.

  “Christopher, son, I see you’ve brought someone.” Her voice was monotonous.

  “Don’t act like you don’t know her, mom. She’s the mother of my children. She’s family,” Chris said with emphasis on the word family.

  “I see.” Christina’s eyed Roxanne from head to toe. “Well, then, the table is ready.” She walked past them. She didn’t kiss Roxanne’s cheeks or even motion to shake her hand.

  “You look pale, Ging. Are you okay?” Chris asked.

  “Nervous,” Roxanne confirmed. Her eyes locked on his mother, who was all over the twins again. There was something about her gaze that seemed unwelcoming. “I shouldn’t have come today.”

  “Don’t be nervous. You belong here with me, okay?” Chris reassured her.

  “I don’t feel that way,” she shook her head.

  “Stop it, Ging,” he said softly. “I don’t care what anyone says, okay? Come on, let’s have lunch.”

  Roxanne sat at the middle of the long table beside Chris and the twins, while Christina sat at the head.

  “Well, I am thrilled you’re here!” Christina blurted. Their heads turned toward the door. A familiar-looking woman, blonde and pregnant, walked in.

  “Candice...” Chris uttered and shot up from his seat.

  “Hello everyone,” Candice greeted them.

  “Hi! My name is Daniella. This is my twin brother Maximus.” Daniella was the one to greet her back.

  “Hi, pretty girl. I’m Candice. It’s nice to meet you,” Candice tried to smile at her.

  “Why don’t you have lunch with us, dear?” Christina beckoned her.

  Candice sat beside her, right across from Chris. In the silence of the room, Roxanne stared at the hardwood floor, hoping it would open up and swallow her whole.

  “Are you Daddy’s sister?” Daniella asked.

  Candice just smiled sadly at her. Chris’ brow furrowed, his eyes silently telling her, ‘Now was not the time for this’.

  “No, sweetie. I’m his wife,” Candice said.

  Roxanne felt the blood leave her face. Though she knew who Candice was, she wasn’t expecting her to say it in front of her children.

  “She is your wife, Daddy?” Maximus inquired, confused. “We have two mommies?”

  Chris looked at Maximus and he nodded nervously, “Y-yeah. Candice is Daddy’s wife.”

  “Can we have two daddies too?” Daniella asked Roxanne.

  “Huh?” Roxanne was dumbfounded.

  “Who do you have in mind, baby girl?” Chris asked, sounding amused.

  “I like Tito Wish to be my daddy too,” she replied innocently as she ate her food.

  Roxanne willed herself not to faint.

  The awkward lunch was over. All the way to her father’s house, Chris was explaining about Candice. Roxanne was silent the whole ride, lost in her own thoughts.

  The kids ran inside Roger’s house once they arrived, and Chris and Roxanne were left outside with unfinished business.

  “I knew about Candice even before we got here,” Roxanne said, sitting on the wooden swing.

  “You did?” He sounded surprised.

  She tapped the space beside her for him to sit down.

  They were seated side by side, but Roxanne felt the distance between them.

  What happened to me? What happened to the girl madly in love with Chris?

  That girl was gone.

  She was scared, scared that the person that had meant so much to her for so long might actually be falling out of her grasp...and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

  “Chris...I...I wanted everything to stay the same. The way it used to be.”

  “It is; nothing has changed.”

  “A lot has changed.”

  Chris’ head jerked up to look at her. “Panga…”

  Roxanne touched his arm and said, “I don’t regret what we had; I just came to realize we don’t have it anymore.”

  Chris held her hand. “Ging, complications tore us apart, but love brought us back together. I just need time. I already filed the divorce papers and we will be together.”

  “We can’t pretend that what we have is strong when we both know there’s one heart missing. I’m sorry but I can longer do this.”

  Chris cupped her face “We’re just trapped in this situation. Don’t give up on me. Not yet, not just yet.”

  She shook her head. “People change, Chris…feelings fade.”

  His hand dropped from her face. “Is it because of him? Wish? That tattooed guy who doesn’t even know what he wants in life? Is that the kind of role model you’d like for our kids?”

  “He might be covered with tattoos, but he will make a better father t
han you ever were. And look at you—about to abandon another woman and child again!”

  Sorrow washed over Chris as the words fell from her mouth.

  “Chris, you’re no longer the guy I fell in love with,” Roxanne said through her tears. “Go back to Candice. Do not make the same mistake again.” The words fell from her lips, and she knew that she couldn’t take them back.

  It took several moments before he came up with a response. “I was late...too late.” He buried his face in his hands.

  Roxanne had made her choice. Now, she had to see it through, or she would lose herself.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Love at First Sit

  Roxanne stood at Wish’s condo door with red and shiny eyes. She’d been completely foolish.

  She took the earliest flight back to Manila to see Wish. She had sent over a dozen texts and left voice messages, but she hadn’t gotten even a single response.

  She went to 212°F Tavern, stopped by ‘Tats R Us’ and hopped on the five-hour bus ride to Baguio.

  “Wish flew to New Jersey the other day,” Precious told her.

  Roxanne stood there, hoping Wish’s mother wouldn’t see how hard it was for her to keep it together.

  “Why did he have to leave?” Her breath caught. She swallowed dryly. She didn’t want to accidentally spew out how much her heart was breaking.

  “I’m sorry.” Precious held her hands. “Why don’t you come inside and have some coffee?”

  Precious opened the door enough for her to step inside. Roxanne smiled weakly and accepted her offer. Precious set down a fresh cup of tea for herself and a cup of coffee for Roxanne.

  She held the cup of coffee and took a sip. “Is it because of me? Is that why he left?” She bit back the tears gleaming in her eyes.

  “I am not entirely sure. I don’t know what happened between you and my son, but I’m certain that your children hold a very special place in his heart. He’s willing to sacrifice his own happiness for them.”

  Roxanne’s heart sank. She’d thought she needed time. She’d thought she could drag it out for a while to save her from another heartache. She was selfish and full of entitlement. Yet, this man, whom she’d friend-zoned was willing to give up his own happiness for her children.

  “Wish told me he can no longer change what happened in his life, growing up without a real father, but he can change theirs. He can make it better by staying away”

  Roxanne’s eyes were swimming with more tears. She felt hollow. It was hard to suck air into her lungs. Each breath she took was a gasp; each exhalation, a shuddering sigh.

  The darkness had stomped out her bliss, suffocated her until there was no more air...no more light...no more hope...no more Wish.

  Precious and Roxanne had talked for some time and then Roxanne left the place. She boarded the bus back to Manila and sat at her assigned seat, patiently waiting for the bus to leave.

  She looked out the window, watching the trees roll past her. He was gone. A sad thought crossed her mind. Wish could have been the father the twins never had.

  ***

  After a tumultuous week, Roxanne finally settled on a dull rhythm.

  She would wake up, go to work, attend to the twins’ needs, eat, sleep, wake up and the cycle began again.

  She would be feeling happy one moment, and then subdued and contemplative the next. The changes between either end of the mood spectrum occurred daily. She was at her most cheerful whenever Mina came over to spend time with her, and then as soon as she had a moment of peace in the privacy of her own room, her mind would take her back to those days she’d spent with Wish.

  The idea of being with someone she loved for an eternity should have made her happier beyond anything, but when that someone wasn’t Wish? She had screwed her own happily-ever-after somehow. She got her wish. Her Wish. But she’d run back to her old flame.

  She had been sending Wish emails, asking if he was okay, updating him on her life. She wasn’t giving up on him.

  The difference between the depth of her feelings then and now were astounding, and deep down, she knew the reason for her previous doubts. She knew the mess she had inadvertently created for herself when she’d opened her heart to a certain tattooed guy. She knew it, but she was powerless to stop it.

  She allowed herself to mull things over for a month. She made a vow to get on with her life by then, one way or another. But now, she had a new speed dating session to attend.

  “Why did I let Mina drag me into this again?” She asked herself as she sipped her Sex on the Beach.

  “Roxy, we have to face the things that hurt us most. When it comes to moving on, it’s not about burying it and forgetting it. You have to face it and acknowledge it.” Those were Mina’s words of encouragement.

  Fuck that. This is a new wave of torture.

  Sitting at the bar made it even worse. The event reminded her too much of him. She glanced down at her hands clasped around the glass. With a shake of her head, she tried to dispel the memories that were accosting her on an endless loop before taking another sip.

  What had got Roxanne was Mina saying ‘please’ in the heartfelt, adorable way she did... and Roxanne couldn’t say no. It was kind of pathetic, really, that Mina still wanted to flirt around, even though she was still in a relationship with Benj.

  “Welcome, everyone!” Connie’s cheerful voice pulled Roxanne out of her reverie. “I am happy we have such a great turnout. It’s nice to see familiar faces,” she said when she looked Roxanne’s way. “Please follow me and proceed through the tables in numerical order.”

  Here we go again. Two hours of hell served in five-minute teaspoons.

  Connie directed them to find the table numbers to which they were assigned. They would need to switch as soon as they heard the bell ring.

  Roxanne took a seat, heaved a breath and looked up when a guy sat right across from her.

  “Hi. My name is Brennan.”

  He had dark short hair and a small mole on his upper lip, but he looked friendly enough. She guessed he was in his mid-twenties.

  “I’m Roxanne,” she said. She took his sweaty hand and managed to get half of her face to smile.

  The guy asked, “So, why are you here?”

  “I’m here because...” Roxanne couldn’t come up with a reason besides having been forced into it by Mina. “I think I fell for a trap. I’m still not completely sure what’s happening.”

  The man laughed

  They talked easily, wandering from subject to subject.

  After five minutes, the bell rang and it was time to move on.

  Another man sat down in front of Roxanne. He was wearing tattered jeans and a skin-tight white T-shirt that showed off his bulging biceps.

  “Hi, I’m Andrew, what about you?” He said in a mellow tone.

  “I’m Roxanne, nice to meet you.”

  “So, what do you do?”

  “Um, I’m a resto bar manager. How about you?”

  “Well, I do two-hundred squats and go to the gym in the evening to bench-press until my whole body is soaked with glorious, self-satisfied sweat of achievement and relentless progress. How do you like the sound of you and me on gym dates?

  “That sounds cool,” she lied, forcing a smile.

  They continued to talk, and she found out he worked for an advertising firm.

  The bell sounded, much to her relief.

  “Our five minutes are up already?” said Andrew.

  “It was nice talking with you,” she replied with an unsure smile.

  “Same to you, beautiful.”

  She heard the scuffling of footsteps walking away from her table.

  “Knock, knock!” A voice greeted.

  “Um, hi!” Roxanne looked up after marking the piece of paper.

  The man chuckled. “It was the beginning of a joke. You’re meant to ask ‘who’s there?’”

  “Oh! I’m sorry! Let’s do it again, then!”

  “Knock, knock.”

/>   “Who’s there?”

  “Juan.”

  “Juan?” Roxanne asked, confused. “But your nametag says Joseph.”

  The man’s smile began to fall. “It’s, um, part of the joke. You’re meant to ask me, Juan, who?’”

  “Ooooh! Sorry, I messed up again! Can you repeat what you said then?”

  The man seemed a bit put-off, but he managed to say again, “Juan.”

  “Juan who?”

  Juan forced out a cheerful, “Juuu-an the world? Girls! Juuu-an the world? Girls!” He sang to the tune of the popular Beyoncé song.

  There was silence.

  And then Roxanne issued a holler of laughter, forced and squeaky and fake. “That was funny.”

  The evening continued, bells rang, more prospects sat down. Each only seemed focused on themselves, showing off their successes in their careers and flaunting their achievements.

  Roxanne looked down at the piece of paper she’d been handed at the start. None of the men’s names had a tick of interest next to them.

  Roxanne heard the chair scrape across the floor and knew Joseph had stood up with the bell. Another man sat in his place.

  She looked up and was met with two tantalizing eyes with which she was well acquainted.

  She’d been gawking like a fool, jaw hanging open for what seemed like a good minute, afraid if she blinked even once, she’d wake up and realize he wasn’t really there.

  “Hi. My name is Aloysius, but you can call me Wish,” he said with a smile. “I’m a twenty-seven-year-old Sagittarius. I drink socially. I don’t smoke. I used to work as a bartender here. I just came back from New Jersey on a 24-hour flight without any sleep. So, how’s your evening going?”

  “So far so good. Um...hi...my...my name is Roxanne,” she mumbled. She could feel her heart beating against her ribcage, like it was trying to escape. Of course, she was more elated than nervous, but it didn't stop her nerves from spiking through the roof. “I’m a twenty-five-year-old mother of twins. I’m a resto bar manager. I was…I was…” she paused and tried to compose herself, “caught between providing a complete family to my children and my heart’s desire to be with someone I wanted to share my life with. I was such a fool to let go of the only guy who made me feel special and loved,” she confessed.