With My Whole Heart

by MariaLisa deMora

  “Yeah.”

  “Open it, baby.”

  “What if they don’t…?” Jaime’s voice trailed off, because this was something she wanted for Nate. The principal had called her in for a conference a month ago, and she’d taken Connor with her. Like I could have left him at home, she thought, shaking her head in amusement at the idea. But he’d proven a good addition to the meeting, because he knew just the right questions to ask.

  “Nate is the most extraordinary young man I’ve ever had the pleasure to instruct.”

  That had been the opening statement, and had taken Jaime’s breath away.

  “His intellect is immense, and it comes with a grounded sense of self that isn’t present in many prodigies his age. Miss Grimes,”—Mr. Paterson leaned forwards, elbows on the desk—“I’ve taken him as far as I can.”

  “You mean this year, right?” She knew Nate had jumped topics and subjects frequently in the past months, seeming to breeze through the work assigned to him. “You’ll have different classes in the fall?”

  “No, Miss Grimes. I mean he has circumnavigated the entire high school class catalog. He has either completed or tested out of every class needed to graduate with an honors diploma.” Connor made a noise and the man turned to look at him. “He’s amazing to work with, and I will be the poorer for losing the interaction with him on a daily basis.”

  “I don’t understand.” Jaime was near tears because this man had seemed willing to help Nate, had gotten their hopes up for the year, and had come through on those promises. Until now. “He’s ten, just ten years old. Where will Nate go, if not with you?”

  “Miss Grimes, has he talked about college with you? He took home a folder of paperwork a few weeks ago. When we didn’t receive it back, I assumed you were making alternative arrangements for his continued studies.” Jaime shook her head, and Connor’s hand closed around hers. “Academically, he’s ready for college. Emotionally, well, that will be up to you. Based on his work this year, I entered his name for the Donohue Scholar Award, and he is one of two finalists. While we can be assured he will receive ample scholarship offers, that award is more than forty-thousand dollars for the runner-up. Miss Grimes, Nate can go wherever he decides to go next year.”

  Jaime traced her finger along the top edge of the envelope. “I’ll wait for Nate,” she whispered.

  “Okay, baby.” Connor’s voice was just as soft. “We’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “See you tomorrow.”

  More noise from the background and she heard the truck door open and close, then Connor’s voice. “How much do you love me?”

  “More than you’ll ever know,” she assured him with a smile, hoping the warmth of it echoed through her words. “More than you’ll ever know.”

  The call disconnected and Jaime laid the phone on the table. Carefully she placed the envelope on top of the stack, lining up the corners and edges. We’re moving in with Connor, she told herself, and smiled.

  ***

  Connor

  Wrench gripped in one hand, Connor wormed his way underneath the tractor, looking up at the grease and hydraulic fluid caking the front end. “You’d think there’d be an easier way to bleed the line,” he complained, pressing one heel into the dirt and shoving hard, trying to get another few inches underneath. “Damn thing shouldn’t take two people.”

  A grunt, then he saw movement above him as Cooper got into position. “Ready.”

  Connor reached up and used the wrench to open the petcock, growling when nothing emitted from the nozzle directly underneath. “Nothing yet.” Cooper moved and grunted, then a drop of fluid appeared. “No go, no flow.” Cooper shifted again, and there was a spitting sound, then a hiss, then a sputter of fluid. “Pump it one more time.” Cooper changed position, and Connor saw his shadow on the floor shift in response, thrown there by the sunset. Tonight would be the last on the farm, and they’d all be headed back to Memphis in the morning. Another sputter above him, and then he watched a steady drip of fluid, waiting a few moments to be sure all the air was gone from the line before he tightened the valve again. “Done.”

  He was crawling, working his way out from under the tractor, reversing the previous process when two hands gripped his ankles and he was dragged feet first out from under the tractor. His shirt rucked up in the back, gathering dirt and stalks of hay into his waistband. “Asshole,” he called, the thread of anger in his voice bright and hard when Cooper bent over him, laughing, holding out one hand. Connor reluctantly gripped the offered hand and let his brother pull him to his feet. They joked and laughed for a minute more, then Connor looked out the barn door to where Nate had Sam by the hand, walking the smaller boy towards the pen where the bottle calves were. He swallowed hard, imagining for a moment that Nate walked hand in hand with a little brother, one that he and Jaime gave the boy.

  “What’s that look for, baby bro?” Cooper’s hand fell on his shoulder, fingers gripping hard. “Something wrong?”

  Connor shook his head. No way could he tell his brother what he’d been thinking. Ever since Jaime had been at the hospital, he’d been holding his breath hoping no one would see what was in his heart. Since the first time he’d felt the baby move, Connor had been jealous and angry. Angry at Cooper and Marie, because the child Jaime was carrying wasn’t his, couldn’t be his. Bought and paid for, an agreement he’d promised long ago, not understanding how life could change a man’s view.

  He couldn’t say anything to Jaime, because she was intent on this, still. Even after the scare with the bleeding, she’d just kicked in and done everything the doctors recommended, waiting it out. Now she was a month away from having the baby, and she’d be going home from the hospital with empty arms, while Marie and Cooper would take his…

  Connor shook his head, hard, trying to force the idea away.

  “I love you, you know that, right?” Cooper’s announcement was a surprise and pulled Connor’s eyes to him, seeing an understanding that broke his heart. “Come on, tell me. Use your words.” That made Connor drop his chin as it was something their father told them often. “Can’t fix what I don’t know.”

  “You ever wonder what if? What if I’d met Jaime a month before?” Connor shook his head, looking at Nate and Sam again, watching as the older boy helped Sam climb up a single rung on the fence, leaning through so he could scratch the heads of the calves that jostled around, eager for affection. “What if she weren’t doing this?”

  “We’d have found a different surrogate.” Cooper’s statement was so matter-of-fact it stunned Connor. “Marie and I have had conversations along the same lines.” He stepped closer, wrapping an arm around Connor’s shoulders. “Many conversations. The two of you just fit so well. There isn’t anything you’re thinking that she and I haven’t already talked through.”

  Connor shook his head. “No, you don’t know what I’m thinking.” You’d have a shitfit if you did, because of the money and time. And Marie would be devastated, which means even if I could talk about it, there’s no way Jaime would do that to her. “No idea.”

  “Connor, the woman you love is carrying your baby.” Seems Cooper could know what he’d been thinking. “Something that felt so right at the beginning, doesn’t feel so right anymore.” Cooper whispered, “We see it every time we’re around you guys. And it doesn’t feel right. Not to me, and not to Marie. We see how you are with her. Connor, you’ve been there for everything. Everything. Jaime loves you, and the only reason she’s not dying inside is because she made an agreement, and that woman is loyal to the bone. I think we should have a sit-down conversation, the four of us, and see where we want to go from here. Because I can’t take that from you, can’t take this child.”

  Connor turned on his heel, staring at Cooper, not certain he’d heard correctly. Cooper smiled sadly, staring at Connor. “Kills, bro. Kills.” Cooper swallowed, and Connor saw his eyes grow wet. “We want another kid. Want to give Sam what I had with you and Cole. Family. Things that matter.
But what does it say to him if I ignore the feelings of one of the most important people in my life? Huh? What does that say about family? Marie and me, we’ve talked, trying to figure out how to bring it up without seeming like assholes. This isn’t something that can be just allowed to rock on, like nothing was wrong. As much as it kills me to say this, it would haunt you every day of your life, for the rest of your life. You’re my brother. I can’t.”

  Connor’s eyes closed slowly, and he bit back his first reaction of denial. Cooper knew him too well. “But you and Marie—”

  “We’ll find a way. It’ll just be a different way.” Cooper squeezed hard and Connor opened his eyes, blinking fast against the wet that smeared his vision. “You’ve got to talk to her, man. Make sure you’re on the same page. There’s not much time to sort it out, but we can do anything we need, Connor.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Jaime

  Her eyes filled with tears. She kept her gaze pointed out the window, steadfastly not looking at Connor. No, he can’t mean it. She sniffed and swallowed a sob, then pulled in a breath that broke in a half a dozen places. “Baby,” he murmured, and she heard him moving, coming towards where she stood. Reflexively she lifted one hand, palm out to him in an unmistakable “stop” motion. What he had voiced was something she refused to think about. Had been pushing down the feelings of loss every time she went to Marie’s and saw the nursery setup. She’d not allowed herself to think anything other than the reason she’d set out on this journey. The purpose of the path they’d been following.

  Shaking her head, she choked out, “Don’t. Don’t say that. I can’t.” If she ever once allowed herself to think the phrase “my baby,” she knew she wouldn’t be able to follow through with this.

  “Listen to me, Jaime.” Ignoring her hand, he moved closer. “Just listen, please. God, please.”

  “Connor, you of all people know what’s at stake here. You know what we all went through to get to this place. You were part of what they went through to get Sam. You can’t do this to them. I can’t do this to them.” Her voice broke again, and she sobbed, clawing control back painfully, her chest hitching and throat closing tightly around her words for a moment. “Don’t do this to me.”

  “I’m not going to stop talking, honey. I’m not. Coop and me, we talked it out. He called Marie, and she feels the same way. I know you.” Connor crooned the words, and she felt the first brush of his fingers across her cheeks. “I know you love me.” She nodded and turned, burying her face against his chest.

  He sighed deeply, relaxing in a way she couldn’t mistake. He wasn’t as certain of himself as he wanted her to think.

  “I know, baby. I know you love me. And you love Marie, too. Even Coop, asshole he can be, you love him. And we did go through a lot. We’ve been through so much. But, honey…” His fingers were again grazing across her cheeks, sweeping the flood of tears away. His mouth teased along hers, then his lips were placed at her ear, and he whispered, “That’s my baby. Our baby. Ours. I want you, and I want Nate, and I want to have this baby with you.”

  She sobbed harder, winding her arms around his neck, holding on tightly.

  “Coop knew, even before I did. He knew, and so did Marie. They’ve been battling with it, trying to decide what to do. You and me, we’re a unique case. I love you. Didn’t plan on it, didn’t plan for it. Never expected it. But I love you so much. And Coop said he couldn’t do it, so we’ll figure out something. Figure out a way. If you tell me you’re with me, then we’ll figure out a way.”

  ***

  Jaime

  “I did not anticipate this.”

  Jaime looked up at the words to see a somber Sarah staring at her across the desk. “I’m sorry.” Her words sounded so inadequate, and she winced, turning to look down at the toes of her shoes.

  “We’ll work out a way for the repayment of the monies already transferred to you—”

  Connor interrupted, his arm settling around Jaime’s shoulders. “I have that covered.” Jaime shook her head. This was something they’d argued about, but he was adamant and she had gracefully given in. It felt as if she were still coming to grips with the idea that he wanted this with her, wanted this so much he was willing to do whatever was necessary.

  Even now, she could scarcely believe this was happening. Everything had moved along so quickly after Connor came back from the family farm. They’d talked, then she’d called Marie who had already been crying, and Jaime had sobbed along with her after finding out Marie was shedding tears in relief that the uncertainty was over. Something Jaime didn’t even know the couple had been dealing with, and realized they had such a deep love for Connor to consider doing this.

  “The Thompsons aren’t assured of another surrogate, but they have voluntarily released you from the agreement, Jaime.”

  She nodded. “I know.”

  Sarah stood, hand outstretched, “I wish you well, Jaime.” They shook, and Sarah extended her arm again, and as Connor took it, she said, “You’ve made a hard decision. But seeing you together, I can’t help but believe it’s the right one. I wish all of you well.” She smiled as she opened the door. “I expect some pictures. That’s still our baby.”

  Connor put his hand on the small of Jaime’s back, five blistering points of pressure as he guided her out the door. “We will,” he promised. Then they were through the waiting room and outside. “Jaime, are you okay?” She nodded, feeling tears welling in her eyes again. “Can I…there’s something I wanted to do. I’ve wanted to do more than anything.” Jaime lifted her gaze, looking at his face through a watery haze. Before she could react, he was on one knee in front of her, one hand clutching at hers. “Jaime Grimes. Will you marry me?”

  She stared down at him for a moment, long enough to see his mouth twist to the side. Long enough to see fear flash through his eyes and then she was crying and laughing, tugging on his hand to pull him awkwardly to his feet so she could wrap her arms around him. “Ring, soon as we get home,” he murmured as he kissed her, long, slow, and deep.

  ***

  Nate stared at her, a dark frown on his face. “You…” He swallowed. “For reals?”

  Jaime nodded, holding Nate’s eyes with her own. Connor was behind her, arms around her middle, hands cradling either side of her belly. He’d been in almost the same position since they’d gotten home from the clinic, elated that he didn’t have to deny himself these experiences any longer. She hadn’t realized how much they were both holding back with this pregnancy. Out of necessity at the time, but now that he didn’t have to censor himself, Connor seemed nearly giddy with excitement.

  Nate broke their shared gaze, and he cut a quick glance up to Connor’s face. Whatever he saw there reassured him and when her boy looked at her face again, he did it with the broadest smile she’d ever seen on him. “Keeping the baby.” She nodded. He pointed to her hand where Connor had parked a beautiful band with an understated diamond. Perfect for her, and she thought the fact he knew her so well boded well for their relationship. “Gonna get married.” She nodded again. “What’d Uncle Jakey say?”

  Jaime bit her lip and shook her head and admitted, “I haven’t called him yet.”

  Nate hooted with laughter, falling off the arm of the couch where he’d perched when she’d called him in for a chat, landing on the seat cushions. “He’s gonna have a fun time sorting this out.”

  Connor called to Nate, softly, but insistently, “Nate, your mom’s gonna need you to say what you think, bud.”

  Nate popped up off the couch, standing beside the coffee table, looking at them with an intensity that made her unaccustomedly anxious. “You know I’m not an idiot, right?” Jaime took a breath and nodded, feeling Connor’s chin bumping her shoulder as he nodded, too. “Mom, I think the two of you were the only ones who weren’t expecting this at some point. Even Jordan knew. We talked about it the last time I tutored him. That”—he pointed to her belly and Connor’s hands moved to cover her protectively—
“is your baby, you and Coach. Uncle Coop”—when did he start thinking of Cooper as his uncle?—“knew a long time ago. Told me to watch out for you if Coach didn’t get his thumb out of it.”

  At the glare she directed his way, he held up his hands, shaking his head. “Hey, I didn’t say it. I just was repeating what he said.”

  “But what do you think, buddy?” Connor pushed, and she was glad of it because she was too afraid to know for certain.

  “It’s your baby, Coach.” Nate shook his head. “Science explains so much with technical and chemical information, genetics and chromosomes, hereditary traits. When I say it’s your baby, I don’t mean it was your sperm that fertilized one of Mom’s eggs. I mean, I totally understand what’s involved with IVF, but that’s not what I mean. This—” He gestured to the two of them standing so close. “—all of this. That’s what I mean. You’d die before you let anything hurt her, or the baby.” Nate paused and swallowed hard, then continued, “Or me. That’s your baby, and we’re your family. This—” He whirled his hand, indicating the three of them. “—makes sense to me. Count me in.”

  After dinner, Connor got her attention and tossed a cell phone to her, grinning when she fumbled the catch, finally trapping the phone against her belly. “Call your brother, honey.”

  She and Jacob had talked nearly every week during the pregnancy, and he was the only one she had felt comfortable voicing her misgivings to as things progressed with Connor. Not about the relationship, because that had been as easy and natural from the beginning as breathing. No, when she began to struggle against personalizing the pregnancy, he was the one she talked to. When she cried herself to sleep because of how sweet Connor was with Nate, and wanting that for her son, but more, wanting that for this baby, Jacob was who she called.

  She pushed up from the couch, struggling to the edge of the cushion before she was able to climb to her feet. Pointing at the bedroom, she waited for Connor to nod before she went into the semi-darkened room and closed the door behind her.