No-one Ever Has Sex on Christmas Day: The most hilarious romantic comedy you'll read this Christmas

by Tracy Bloom

  ‘Gold!’ shrieked Rebecca from somewhere inside the craft corner. ‘I got gold!’ she shouted, running past the audience and standing on the stage as victorious as though she had won first prize in a major competition. To look at Alison you would have thought she had in fact become an Olympic gold medallist, as she raised both hands in proud victory, glancing around at the other parents as if to say, ‘That’s my daughter, and yes she is amazing.’

  Then there was a streak of blue and white as George dashed on to the stage clutching a purple-painted box with FRANKINCENSE written on it in large letters. He had a look of total euphoria on his face. ‘I found it!’ he cried. ‘I found it!’ Matthew and Alison stared at him in astonishment then began clapping with all their might. There was their son standing on a stage in front of a sea of strange adult faces as though he didn’t have a care in the world. Everyone joined in to cheer and clap as he beamed right back at them without the slightest trace of anxiety.

  Just as the clapping started to die down he took a small bow and scuttled to the back of the stage area and sat down next to his sister. She wrapped him in an enormous hug. Ben looked over at Matthew and Alison beaming down at their son. Maybe he had managed to win Alison over. A Christmas miracle indeed.

  I’m assuming you will be picking us up from the airport. We land at 8.15 a.m. We have four large suitcases. Mum x

  Katy shoved the phone back in her pocket. She’d only looked at her phone hoping for a message from Ben but as usual it was her mother sending yet more Christmas demands. She leaned heavily on the bell next to the school reception. To her dismay she’d found that the office was empty when she’d finally worked out that it was the only way to get into school. What if they were all watching the Nativity?, she thought in panic. What if she stood there until it ended? She pressed again, wiping the rain out of her eyes. Please come, she prayed. Please come and just let me in. If someone comes and lets me in now then I’ll… I’ll go to church on Christmas Day, honestly I will. I’ll do anything, just please come and let me into the goddamn school so I can see my daughter and husband in their Nativity play.

  ‘Can I help you?’

  Katy snapped her head up from where it had been resting on the glass in despair.

  ‘Yes!’ she gasped. ‘Please let me in – I’m late for the Nativity.’

  ‘And you are?’

  ‘Millie’s mum?’

  ‘Do you have any ID?’

  ‘Seriously?’

  ‘I’m sorry, but I don’t recognise you.’

  Katy didn’t have time to think about how upsetting it was that she wasn’t recognised at her own daughter’s school as she scrabbled furiously in her bag for her wallet. She rifled through for her driving licence as quickly as she could, pulling it out and thrusting it into the overzealous secretary’s face.

  She took it from her and seemed to spend an age studying the unflattering picture.

  ‘And your daughter’s name is?’

  ‘Amelia. Amelia King.’

  To Katy’s dismay the secretary made a big show of sitting down and tapping it into a computer as though she was deliberately trying to slow her down. Katy wanted to ram the computer down her throat. After what seemed like an age, and without even looking up, she reached under the desk and Katy heard the sweet sound of a small buzzer as the door was unlocked. She barged through it without a backward glance and began to run again.

  The children were just launching into ‘Away in a Manger’ as Katy barged through the double doors at the back. Everyone looked round to see a dripping wet woman appear at the door, panting heavily. Eyes were cast up and down before turning back to the front to continue watching their little angels.

  ‘That’s my mummy,’ Millie told her fellow actors on stage. ‘She’s been for a barbecue next to the sea.’

  Ben watched as Katy mouthed ‘so sorry’ then moved to position herself in a place where she could see.

  The children were singing their hearts out, and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. Even Ben’s eyes were damp. He’d got away with it, he thought. Or rather the children’s enthusiasm and honest delivery had charmed everyone. Even Mrs Allcock had given him a thumbs up from the back of the room, having glared at him for at least the first ten minutes. He stepped forward and attempted to gather himself before the grand finale.

  ‘Thank you, children,’ he said before clearing his throat. ‘We’ve talked a lot about the story of the Nativity in class while preparing our performance for you today. And we’ve talked a lot about the meaning of Christmas. I asked the children what Christmas meant to them and this is what they told me.’

  ‘PRESENTS!’ they all screamed at the tops of their voices.

  ‘I don’t think they heard you,’ Ben said to them.

  ‘PRESENTS!’ they all screamed even louder.

  There were a few titters from the audience, as well as a few frustrated sighs.

  ‘So I asked them all what they would have given to Jesus if they had been around at the time of his birth. I asked them what the most important gift that you could give anyone is.’

  ‘It’s not a Play-Doh Ice Cream Castle,’ piped up a Mary.

  ‘Or a Spider-Man outfit,’ added Spiderman.

  ‘Or frankincense,’ added George with a grin, holding his box up.

  ‘What is the best present of all?’ asked Ben.

  ‘LOVE!’ shouted every single Mary, Joseph, peeping penguin, Spider-Man and, of course, not forgetting Freddie.

  ‘Now you went out and found gold, frankincense and myrrh in the room earlier today to give to the baby Jesus,’ Ben said to them. He paused as they all looked up at him expectantly. ‘Now all of you go out and find love.’

  Without exception every child leapt up with grins on their faces and ran towards their mum or their dad or grandparent or guardian. A chorus of ‘I love yous’ filled the room as eyes filled again with tears. Families hugged hard, all confirming their gift of love.

  Ben watched as Millie squealed with delight as she launched herself into her mother’s arms after days without seeing her. Katy smothered her with kisses while the tears poured down her still-wet face. As she let her back down to the floor, Millie grabbed her hand and pulled her over to where Ben was still standing on the stage.

  She fell into his arms and he felt her wet clothes soak through on to his Master Elf suit.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ she gasped. ‘For everything.’

  They’d kissed until Millie pulled at her hand and Katy realised everyone was watching them. She backed away quickly and apologetically as Ben fixed his gaze on her before remembering where he was and that he had a Nativity play to finish.

  He pulled himself up straight then clapped to summon all the children back on to the stage. There was ample jostling until they were standing in two rows, holding hands and facing their wet-cheeked parents. A familiar tune struck up, causing everyone to reach for their hankies yet again as the golden sparks in their lives launched into a rendition of the Beatles’ classic ‘All You Need is Love’. It wasn’t long before everyone in the room was singing along in one of those precious moments of festive comfort and joy.

  ‘I was wrong,’ Alison told Ben as the parents filed out. ‘I could not have made a better choice, sending my two children here. That Nativity, well,’ she said, wiping away a stray tear, ‘it could not have been better. You made them both shine like stars.’

  Matthew reached forward and shook Ben’s hand. Ben looked down in astonishment. He was painfully aware that Matthew had never approved of him and certainly never thought he was good enough for Katy.

  ‘What you did…’ he said, almost struggling to get the words out. ‘Well, it was amazing. Especially seeing George up there.’ He paused. ‘Thank you,’ he said eventually. ‘I really mean that.’

  Ben nodded. He knew he did.

  ‘I found the frankincense!’ cried George, running up to them both.

  ‘You did!’ exclaimed Matthew, scooping him up in his arms. />
  George leaned forward and whispered in his dad’s ear. ‘Master Elf told me where it was but told me not to tell anyone,’ he said, loud enough for Matthew and Ben to hear.

  ‘Did he?’ said Matthew. ‘Well, he is a very clever Master Elf indeed then, isn’t he?’

  Ben smiled at the admission. ‘See you next term, buddy,’ he said to George. ‘Well, I assume we’ll be seeing you next term?’

  ‘Definitely.’ Matthew nodded. ‘Time to, er… leave some stuff in the past and move forward, I think.’

  Ben glanced over at Katy, who was appreciating some of Millie’s artwork on the other side of the room. ‘I agree,’ he said to Matthew. ‘We shouldn’t let the past ruin our future, should we? Merry Christmas, mate.’

  ‘Merry Christmas to you too.’

  ‘And you did this all on your own?’ Katy said to Millie as she observed the splodge of green paint doused in multi-coloured glitter.

  ‘Mrs Allcock said it was the best Christmas tree she had ever seen,’ replied Millie.

  ‘Of course it is,’ said Katy, fighting the urge to engulf her daughter in her arms yet again. It had never been so good to see her and hold her, having been starved of that feeling for days. And to see her standing on that stage, shouting out the words to ‘Away in a Manger’, well, it was all she could do to stop herself breaking down in wracking sobs at the thought she could have missed out on this moment of utter bliss. It was the best Christmas gift anyone could have, she thought as she glanced over at Ben, also glowing with pride. It filled her up until she thought she might explode with happiness. This was what life was really all about. It wasn’t about beaches or barbecues, or having a brand to call your own: it was about people. It was always about people. No wonder she couldn’t put a value on having another baby on her spreadsheet. It was priceless.

  ‘We’re going to have a baby,’ said Katy when all the other parents had finally left and she could talk to Master Elf alone.

  ‘That was the first line of the Nativity,’ replied Ben, looking a little confused. ‘Actually, Millie thought of it. I think she might grow up to be a screenwriter.’

  ‘No. I mean us, me and you. I want a baby. Another one of yours please.’

  ‘What? Really? Are you sure?’

  ‘Yes, very sure. Never been more sure of anything.’

  Ben fell on her, clasping her in his arms.

  ‘That’s the best news,’ he said, pulling back for a moment and wiping tears from his eyes. ‘Was it the Nativity?’

  ‘Yes, no, I don’t know. Does it matter? Yes it does, doesn’t it? Your brilliant Nativity reminded me what was important. Reminded us all, I think.’

  ‘But what about Australia? I thought… well, everything looked so amazing. I thought there was no way you could come home and not want to move out there.’

  ‘Well, it was amazing,’ she told him.

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘But nothing could compare to this,’ she said, casting her hand around the empty room. ‘Not the sunshine, not the beach, not the job, not the wine…’

  ‘Not the wine?’

  ‘I know. Not even the wine.’

  ‘Wow,’ said Ben, looking truly stunned. ‘And not him?’

  ‘Of course not him.’

  ‘You never said he looked like a Ken doll.’

  She had to smile – Cooper did look a bit like a Ken doll. ‘You’re right,’ she agreed, ‘a bit plastic. Not a patch on my genius husband.’ She moved forward to put her arms round his neck. ‘What you did today was brilliant. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a baby boom in the area in about nine months’ time!’

  Ben laughed. ‘I guess if a Nativity doesn’t make you broody then nothing will. Should I have just played you “Away in a Manger” months ago?’

  ‘Maybe. Who knows? Maybe it’s because it’s Christmas, but what you did was remind everyone what matters. And it’s love.’ She took his hands and looked him square in the face. ‘It’s you and Millie and the owner of that stocking you bought, back in November. Everything else, well, it’s meaningless, isn’t it?’

  Chapter Thirty-One

  ‘I’m here!’ said Daniel, letting himself in the front door when no-one responded to his knocking. The hallway was empty but he could hear the sound of sleigh bells coming from the lounge so he pushed open the door, brandishing a bottle of Champagne.

  ‘Merry Christmas,’ he declared, stepping into the room.

  ‘Uncle Daniel!’ squealed Millie, getting up from a wrapping-paper-infested floor and grabbing him round the legs. ‘Did you bring a present? Did you bring a present?’ Daniel observed she was dressed in a Frozen onesie. He knew he should have stayed home alone on Christmas Day watching classic French films with a bottle of gin.

  An enormous man hauled himself up from the sofa and extended his hand out to Daniel. ‘I am Carlos,’ he announced. ‘The boyfriend.’

  ‘I am Daniel,’ replied Daniel, taking in his gigantic frame. ‘The unloved single man with nowhere better to go.’

  Carlos cocked his head to one side and smiled. ‘You must meet my son,’ he replied. ‘I believe he is the same as you.’

  Daniel leapt back in horror. He was sure no son of this man could be anything similar to him – it just wasn’t possible.

  ‘Daniel!’ came the cry behind him, and he swung round to see Katy’s mum in a dress that looked like it was made of tinfoil. It reflected so much light he wished he’d brought his sunglasses. ‘So good to see you again. It must have been the wedding since we last had a good old gossip about my daughter.’

  ‘Rita,’ said Daniel, reaching forward to embrace her. Despite all of Katy’s moaning, Daniel had a soft spot for Rita, as she was just as blunt as he was when it came to Katy’s failings, and it was highly entertaining to compare notes.

  ‘You brought Champagne!’ said Rita, spotting the bottle he was carrying. ‘I knew we could rely on you. Why don’t we all go through into the kitchen and have a drink? Gabriel is in there preparing vegetables. Dinner is somewhat delayed, I’m afraid.’ She raised her eyebrows but turned and left the room before Daniel could ask her to elaborate.

  Bloody hell, thought Daniel as he followed Rita down the hallway. He was about to get roped into chopping carrots or peeling potatoes or some other hell. Not in my Paul Smith suit, he decided. There was no way – he was a guest after all.

  He only saw Gabriel’s back as he entered the room, as he was hunched over the sink. He wasn’t large like his dad, he noted – that was something at least. Perhaps they would all fit round the dinner table after all.

  ‘Gabriel,’ said Carlos from behind Daniel, placing an enormous hand on his shoulder. ‘This is Daniel, Katy’s lonely single friend.’

  Daniel was just about to protest at Carlos’s chosen description when Gabriel turned his head round over his shoulder and cast a smile in Daniel’s direction. Daniel stood frozen to the spot as Gabriel reached for a towel to dry off his hands before extending one of them for a warm handshake with the awestruck Daniel. Just as he did, the sun emerged from behind a cloud and shone a ray of light across his face.

  ‘Gabriel, you say?’ gasped Daniel.

  ‘Yes,’ he nodded, grinning, ‘as in the angel. My mother’s choice apparently. It so doesn’t suit me.’

  ‘It so does,’ replied Daniel, stuck for words in front of the awesome chiselled beauty of the man in front of him.

  ‘He is like you, no?’ Carlos asked Daniel.

  ‘I very much hope so,’ sighed Daniel, unable to take his eyes off him.

  ‘What a cosmopolitan group we will be at our dinner table,’ chirped Rita. ‘Two gays, two Spaniards, two toy boys – who would have thought it? The most exciting Christmas dinner table I will have sat at,’ she said, handing the bottle of Champagne over to Carlos to open.

  ‘Totally,’ said Daniel, thinking he might explode with joy. This was turning out to be maybe not the most cosmopolitan but certainly the best Christmas he had ever had.

  Rita t
ook Champagne flutes from the shelf and handed them out while Gabriel and Daniel didn’t take their eyes off each other. Daniel prayed with all his heart that he was getting a positive appraisal.

  ‘May I… may I help you with the vegetables?’ he found himself saying, suddenly feeling jittery and nervous as Carlos filled their glasses.

  ‘That would be excellent,’ replied Gabriel, raising his glass. ‘You can do the sprouts, whatever they are?’

  ‘My daughter really is unbelievable,’ said Rita, indicating to Carlos to be sure to fill hers to the top. ‘I mean, fancy inviting us all over for Christmas dinner and then expecting us to prepare it. I really wonder where I went wrong with her, you know.’

  ‘You did a beautiful job,’ said Carlos, throwing an arm around her. ‘She is a credit.’

  ‘Well, I did my best,’ muttered Rita, taking a large gulp of Champagne.

  ‘Where are they?’ asked Daniel, realising he hadn’t seen Katy or Ben since he’d arrived. Not that he cared any more.

  ‘Still in bed,’ huffed Rita. ‘They showed their faces to see Millie open her presents then disappeared. So rude.’

  ‘They are busy,’ Carlos grinned. ‘Ben is getting his Christmas present, I think.’

  ‘But… but…’ said Daniel, suddenly realising what Carlos was suggesting, ‘on Christmas Day! Surely that’s not right, is it? Isn’t it in the Ten Commandments or something?’