No-one Ever Has Sex on Christmas Day: The most hilarious romantic comedy you'll read this Christmas

by Tracy Bloom

  ‘Thou shalt not have sex on Christmas Day?’ said Gabriel with a sexy smile.

  Daniel felt his legs go to jelly. ‘Yes, well, rules are there to be broken, I guess…’ he added, feeling himself start to blush.

  As if on cue, Ben and Katy burst through the door all rosy cheeked and grinning from ear to ear. They smelt of pine and perfume, clearly both fresh from the shower. It was entirely obvious to everyone what they’d been up to.

  ‘Sorry,’ Katy giggled, ‘we were… we were…’

  ‘Merry Christmas,’ said Daniel, lunging forward to save her embarrassment and his. He engulfed her in a hug so tight she thought she might have to stop breathing.

  ‘Does this mean you’re staying?’ he breathed in her ear.

  ‘Yes,’ she whispered.

  He pulled back and looked in her eyes. ‘That’s all I wanted for Christmas,’ he said as tears prickled his eyes. ‘But thank you for bringing me Gabriel as well,’ he added with a wink.

  She laughed. ‘You’re very welcome. That’s all you’re getting, mind you!’

  ‘But I gave you so many hints about the wallet display in Harvey Nichols,’ he protested.

  ‘Ho ho ho,’ came a sudden boom from the hallway. ‘Glad tidings we bring to you and your kin,’ two voices chimed as the kitchen door opened.

  ‘We’re getting married,’ said Abby, appearing in the doorway, sparkling finger held up for all to see. She was jumping up and down, a look of pure excitement on her face. Braindead peeked over her shoulder, grinning from ear to ear.

  ‘Thank God for that,’ roared Daniel, Katy and Ben all at the same time, rushing forward to shake their hands and hug and admire the ring.

  ‘So spill the beans then,’ said Daniel when it had all calmed down. ‘I want to hear every detail of how you finally managed to pop the question, Braindead.’

  Ben laughed. ‘So impressed you managed to ask the right person this time.’

  Braindead shrugged. ‘I didn’t have to.’

  ‘I asked him!’ squealed Abby, still jumping up and down like an excited child. ‘Well, I had to, didn’t I? When he told me how I had totally screwed it all up for him by getting wasted, well, I couldn’t believe it. I cried for days, thinking about how I’d missed seeing him come down from the ceiling looking for me and I wasn’t there. I apologised so many times, but I didn’t know what to do until Charlene said I should return the favour. So I went out and bought myself a ring and I proposed to him in the way I thought he’d want to be asked.’

  ‘It was perfect,’ said Braindead, putting his arm round her shoulder, a smug smile appearing on his face.

  ‘I cannot wait to hear this,’ said Daniel.

  ‘Can I tell him?’ Braindead asked Abby.

  ‘Go ahead,’ she replied.

  ‘It was awesome,’ said Braindead. ‘She took me to my local last night, which to be honest, I thought was odd because it was Christmas Eve and normally she would want to go into town, but she said no, she wanted to spend the night with me in The Feathers, and she bought me a drink, sat down and the next thing I knew she was on one knee. Next to me. In the Feathers. And she just asked me, there and then.’

  ‘He cried,’ added Abby.

  ‘So did she,’ said Braindead.

  ‘We got free drinks all night,’ said Abby.

  ‘And they had a lock-in. Best night ever. Seriously,’ said Braindead. ‘You so missed out,’ he told Ben.

  ‘We must toast,’ said Carlos, handing Braindead and Abby a glass of Champagne each. ‘I am the toy boy,’ he added to clarify.

  ‘Of course you are,’ said Braindead.

  But before glasses could be raised, the door to the kitchen opened yet again, and to everyone’s shock, there stood Matthew, looking very harassed.

  ‘I knocked and knocked,’ he said. ‘I’m so sorry, it’s just that…’

  Before he could finish George, Rebecca, Harry and Millie had raced into the room, running round people’s legs like a bunch of excitable Collie dogs.

  ‘I am the toy boy,’ said Carlos, approaching Matthew with a glass of Champagne.

  ‘Oh no, no, please I have to go, it’s just, well…’

  ‘Matthew!’ said Rita. ‘What on earth are you doing here? It is you, isn’t it? I’ve not seen you since you were a teenager, but I’d spot that wonky ear anywhere.’

  ‘Hello, Mrs Chapman, it’s nice to see you, but… but Alison has gone into labour…’ he said, looking round in bewilderment.

  ‘What!’ cried everyone in unison.

  ‘Yes, yes,’ continued Matthew, casting a concerned glance towards the door.

  ‘We’re having a baby, we’re having a baby,’ chanted Rebecca, George and Millie.

  ‘Is it Jesus coming?’ asked Braindead.

  ‘Noooo,’ said Matthew, looking at Braindead as though he were a lunatic.

  ‘Sorry, I’ve just got engaged,’ said Braindead.

  ‘Oh well, congratulations,’ replied Matthew. ‘Aren’t you the man from Christmas Party Land?’

  Braindead grinned. ‘Yes.’

  Matthew looked around, confused, then shook his head. ‘I haven’t got time to ask.’ He turned to Ben. ‘We gave Lena the day off, you see. To be with her new boyfriend, and George and Rebecca, well, they insisted they come to Master Elf for Christmas. George has had the mother of all tantrums, and I didn’t know what to do, and I have Alison in the car and I realise this is such an imposition…’

  ‘Get in that car and get your wife to hospital now,’ said Ben, stepping forward. ‘There is room at the inn here for your children.’

  ‘Really?’ said Matthew, looking as though he were about to burst into tears with relief. ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Of course we’re sure. Go and give birth. Go on, off you go. Get out of here now.’

  ‘OK, great. So, bye, kids!’ he shouted then turned and ran out of the door, leaving a gathering of bemused adults.

  ‘That’s Katy’s ex-boyfriend,’ Rita told Carlos helpfully.

  ‘Time for that toast, I think,’ said Katy, stepping into the middle of the room and raising her glass high in the air before her mum could fill him in on any more of their difficult history. She spun round slowly, taking in the people surrounding her. First, her mum, who grinned back at her cheekily, clearly happy for the first time in a long while with her caring and devoted toy boy. Then on to Gabriel, who had arrived and charmed her daughter into eating peas, a battle Katy had fought and lost at many a tea table. He’d also insisted on sleeping on the sofa so that Ben and Katy could have the privacy of the spare room. Thank goodness. They had a baby to make. Then she turned her gaze to Daniel, who raised his glass to her and murmured another thank you. Whether it was for Gabriel or for being invited to share Christmas with them, or the news that she wasn’t leaving him, she didn’t know, but she murmured a thank you back, for his special friendship. She was so glad he was there.

  Braindead and Abby spilled into her vision, bubbling over with excitement and happiness. Boy, was she glad they’d be around to share their joy next year. It was bound to be a hell of a ride.

  And finally, Ben. She watched as he reached over and handed Braindead a beer, knowing he’d prefer that to Champagne. Then he scooped up a passing Millie, who screamed with excitement at his tickles while George, Rebecca and Harry grabbed hold of his legs and began their chant again: ‘We’re having a baby, we’re having a baby…’

  Ben glanced over at Katy and winked. She raised her glass towards him.

  ‘All you need is love,’ she said. ‘All you ever need, in fact.’

  ‘All you need is love,’ they all chimed in. ‘Love is all you need.’

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  Also by Tracy Bloom

  No-one Ever Has Sex on Christmas Day

  No-one Ever Has Sex in the Suburbs

  No-one Ever Has Sex on a Tuesday

  Standalone:

  Single Woman See
ks Revenge

  I Will Marry George Clooney By Christmas

  Strictly My Husband

  A Letter From Tracy

  I want to say a huge thank you for choosing to read No-one Ever Has Sex on Christmas Day. If you did enjoy it, and want to keep up-to-date with all my latest releases, just sign up at the following link. Your email address will never be shared, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

  Sign up here!

  I hope you loved No-one Ever Has Sex on Christmas Day, and if you did, I would be very grateful if you could write a review. I’d love to hear what you think, and it makes such a difference helping new readers to discover one of my books for the first time.

  I love hearing from my readers – you can get in touch on my Facebook page, through Twitter, Goodreads or my website.

  It has been such a joy to spend time again with Katy, Ben, Matthew and Alison, and of course not forgetting Braindead and Daniel. If you’d like to read more about their loves, lives and laughter then you can catch up with them in two other novels, No-one Ever Has Sex on a Tuesday and No-one Ever Has Sex in the Suburbs.

  Thanks,

  Tracy Bloom

  https://tracybloom.com/

  Acknowledgements

  This book would not have been written without the encouragement and sharp stick waving of two people. My editor, Jenny Geras, wanted me to write this book three years ago, and when she asked me again this year I felt I had enough ideas to do it justice. I’ve so enjoyed writing this book, Jenny, so thank you for all your continued support and pestering! Also, my thanks must go to Peta Nightingale, who listens and cajoles and thinks and works stuff out. So glad you have my back professionally and above all, so proud to have you as a friend. Thank you.

  Many thanks to Madeleine Milburn, my agent, who did not hesitate when I approached her and who has buoyed me up tremendously with positive words and encouragement. We are on our way!

  I also want to thank my readers, who continue to send me lovely messages. I cannot tell you how good that feels. Thank you for reading, and I hope you like this one just as much as my other novels.

  Finally, to everyone who I have shared my Christmases with: Mum and Dad, Andrew and Helen, Gillian, Laura, Rebecca and Hannah, Marc, Emma and George, Chris and David, Gillian, Chris, Jack and Sam. Good times and laughter. Long may it continue!

  For Helen Wilkins, who takes us in every Christmas Eve and organises the ‘food critics’ annual Christmas party with Christine – you are a star and Christmas would not be the same without you.

  And finally, to my husband, Bruce, who every year puts up with Christmas being the excuse for everyone ignoring his birthday in January. Sorry. Will try harder this year… promise xx

  Published by Bookouture

  An imprint of StoryFire Ltd.

  Carmelite House

  50 Victoria Embankment

  London EC4Y 0DZ

  www.bookouture.com

  Copyright © Tracy Bloom 2017

  Tracy Bloom has asserted her right to be identified as the author of this work.

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in any retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publishers.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, organizations, places and events other than those clearly in the public domain, are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

  ISBN: 978-1-78681-257-5