Shape Of My Heart

by Khardine Gray

  “Josh we have to stop.” She pressed her hands against his chest again and stole a moment to indulge in his chiseled perfection. In his boxers she saw exactly why he was getting so many requests from magazines. Ripples of muscle ran down his abs, which were only enhanced by the Chinese characters tattooed within the rigid line that ran along his happy trail.

  “You can’t say you don’t want me.”

  Oh, she really wished she could, but she couldn’t. “You’re drunk, and you have no idea what the hell you’re doing, or even who I am.” It was a sad truth.

  He laughed and leaned in to kiss her again. “Amy,” he whispered saucily against her lips and smiled. “Beautiful Amy, my supposed PA. Amy, I know exactly what I’m doing.”

  She found herself unable to move as he held her gaze. But her brain came back and it was waving red warning lights over her face. Something strange just happened and she wasn’t sure what it was. All she knew was something sparked within the depths of her heart as he said her name.

  Maybe she’d gone completely crazy from all he’d put her through, but lust and attraction were having a field day with her. This was the worst kind of man she’d ever met and she shouldn’t have allowed him to get as far as to touch her. He was drunk and he might remember her name, but it would be nothing more.

  “I want you,” he slurred.

  “Okay, let me go slip into something more comfortable.”

  He looked happy to hear that. She slid off the desk when he released her. Josh watched her until she turned the corner by the potted palm trees. Once she did, instead of going up the stairs like he thought she would she took off through the door and left the house, heeding Zelda’s warning to run like hell if he ever grabbed her ass. Too bad he did more than that.

  “What happened to you? The sandwich is all soggy now.” Hilda grimaced, motioning over to Amy’s poor sandwich on the plate, which did indeed look flat and sodden. It still smelled great though.

  “You look all flustered,” Gabriella noted. “Why is your face so red?”

  Her face? Amy was surprised her whole body hadn’t turned lobster red with embarrassment. She spent the journey here questioning her sanity, and her actions. What was the matter with her? Why did she behave like that with Josh? Of all the men she could have allowed to touch her like that why him? There really was just one answer. She’d gone crazy.

  Amy made her way around to the seat they’d left out for her and sunk into it. She had to catch her breath.

  “Yes, you look very flustered indeed.” Hilda giggled.

  She pulled in a breath and on release she told them what happened.

  “Dias Mios. I knew he liked you.” Hilda pointed at her. “It was all that sexual tension. What was it like?” Hilda asked with a saucy glint in her eyes.

  Amy widened her eyes and glared at her. “What was what like?”

  She leaned in closer and said, “Sex.”

  “I didn’t do anything. I ran like hell.”

  “Really?” Hilda inclined her head and stared at her in disbelief.

  Gabriella swatted her hand and shook her head at her. “Hilda, you bad girl.”

  “Yes, I am, and there’s no way I would say no. What are you going to do when you go back?”

  “I can’t go back today. There’s no way.” No, she couldn’t.

  “So I have to go back to him? With his sex-crazed self?” Hilda glared at her.

  “You just said you’d be fine with that whole thing.”

  “I can’t now, he’s her guy.”

  She closed her eyes and shuddered at the whole thought, and her behavior. What the hell was she thinking? She just hoped this was one of those times he’d forget what had happened.

  “He’s not my guy. And I’m nowhere closer to where I need to be. Everything is a mess.”

  This was not good at all. It was a disaster.

  She had lunch, went back to her apartment, and decided on a new strategy.

  At six a.m. the next day when she went in Josh’s room, she prayed to God in his high Heaven that today would be better than yesterday.

  The glass of ice cold water she carried was her just in case, the weapon she’d use on him to wake him up. He was passed out again in his usual pose, again with the bottle.

  “Josh, wake up.” Nothing, not even a flinch. “Josh.” She shook his arm.

  “Go away, it’s far too early. Get out,” he grumbled.

  “Josh I’m going to give you to the count of three to get the hell up.”

  He just lay there.

  “One, two…three.” She splashed the water in his face and he roared. She’d never heard anyone roar before. As he lunged forward and tried to grab her she reached for a pillow and hit him with it. That didn’t save her, he grabbed her around her waist and, in one deft move, pulled her towards him as if she weighed nothing more than a feather. Fear rippled through her and she screamed, smacking out at his chest.

  “You’re pure evil, you know, Kansas,” he balked

  “Stop calling me that, you blockheaded jock.” She elbowed him and shuffled out of his grasp. “Get up, Josh. Today is Wednesday. If you don’t want to play football anymore then tell me now.” She held his gaze, looking straight into those penetrative eyes of his, trying to reach his senses and understanding. “I have been up since before four. It’s six a.m. Tell me now if you don’t want to play and I’ll stop wasting my time and energy on you.”

  He looked at her just like he did yesterday, but this was different. He was himself again. There was no trace of the man who had kissed her and told her she was his beautiful PA.

  Good. Now she knew he was listening…and he was getting up. He pulled back the covers and got off the bed on the side nearest his en-suite bathroom. He looked at her, frowned, then walked into the bathroom.

  Finally, some hope. She wouldn’t mention yesterday and she hoped he wouldn’t either. She just wanted to get this week over and done with.

  “So, what do you have in mind?” Josh asked. He stood on the beach with Amy looking out to the horizon. Whispers of the fresh morning breeze caressed his skin and rustled the leaves of the surrounding palm trees.

  The day was at that awakening phase after sunset that he used to like in his diligent days. He would have already been up hours ago, training at the stadium before the guys all got there.

  He’d start with a hundred laps around the field, then he’d do some plyometric and circuit training. By the time the team was all there he’d be all revved up and ready for a great training session.

  “We will sit here.” She brought a folder and that padded notebook that annoyed him so much.

  She pointed to a spot on the sand that was perfect for sitting idly and watching the surrounding landscape.

  He sat when they got there, crossed his legs, and looked up at her. She looked away and sat opposite him. Something was off about her today. He knew he’d pissed her off the last few days because he couldn’t wake up, but there was something else going on with her.

  “I wanted to go through these questions on the list Zelda sent. The rep is coming tomorrow and they want you to be comfortable answering some of the potential questions you could be asked on the show.”

  “I’m not commenting about my family, if that’s what they want.” These things tended to be so invasive, and media officials often had no regard for privacy. All they wanted was their story. And they’d get it at any expense.

  “I’ve already told them not to ask you anything in relation to your private life or those related to you.” She smiled.

  He was impressed she’d told them that. “What do they want to know?”

  “Well, the first question is, are you looking forward to this season. Which is fine. However, I don’t particularly like the next few questions. Zelda said that you should see how you feel in answering them.”

  “What are they?”

  “Do you think this season will be better than the last? And, what would you do differently this season
that you didn’t do last season? I don’t think that you should answer those questions.”

  Well well, she was quite good, and surprisingly intuitive. There was no way he could answer any of those questions without talking about what happened with his mother and sister. He only played one game last season, so what was he supposed to say?

  “Unless if you want to,” she added.

  “I don’t. So Kansas, what do you suggest?” He leaned forward and she glared at him like he’d just said something wrong.

  “Is there some reason why you can’t call me Amy? You called me Amy several times yesterday. Why can’t you stick with it?”

  He couldn’t believe she could get so worked up over such a little thing. But since it annoyed her, he was only going to keep doing it. Also, he had no recollection of calling her Amy yesterday.

  “I can’t remember seeing you yesterday.” He couldn’t. Yesterday had been a low day and he drank from the minute his eyes opened. It was the stress of Friday getting to him.

  Now she looked at him with a deadpan expression. “You don’t remember seeing me yesterday?”

  “No, did you come to work?”

  “How do you forget a whole day? Who does that?”

  This was what he meant about her being off. But he couldn’t put his finger on what her problem was. “Clearly me.”

  “You could have killed someone and not remember,” she retorted.

  “Did I?” Because maybe he did from the way she was going on.

  “No.” She looked down to her notes and tucked a lock of her golden hair behind her ear.

  It couldn’t have been the whole Kansas thing she was annoyed about. Something must have happened.

  “Let’s just stick to the plan. It doesn’t matter what you call me. All that matters is we get to the show on Friday.”

  He wouldn’t care normally, and normally he wouldn’t care about whatever was eating at her, but something held his interest and he was suddenly searching his mind.

  He studied her and watched her flick through her folder, then she undid her jacket, revealing a dark pink t-shirt that fitted her slender curves perfectly. He couldn’t help himself; while she was distracted with her paperwork he stared at her breasts, and that was when the full memory of yesterday hit him.

  Shit, he remembered everything. Damn, every single detail. Particularly how her nipples had hardened as he sucked on her breast.

  He also remembered that she had kissed him back. He remembered how her lips felt, and how she tasted. Like forbidden fruit that was sweet and tempting and… He really shouldn’t have kissed her. And why in hell would she kiss him back? She couldn’t stand him.

  That didn’t make any sense.

  What made even less sense was how he could have forgotten the whole event.

  He wouldn’t lie, he wanted her. But that was how he felt about all women who were beautiful and attractive. He would be the perpetual playboy because he loved women too much. Bereaved or not, that was how he was. And, sure, he’d made the occasional attempt to hit on her, hoping he’d get lucky, but he didn’t think she’d fall for it. What happened yesterday?

  “I think you should focus on your team.”

  Was it just him, or did she seem annoyed that he couldn’t remember, and more than the fact that she should be more irked that he’d tried something like that with her.

  “Like how?” Best to drop it. They had bigger fish to fry. It was nice, though, to have had her like that. It felt like he’d made some kind of conquest.

  “Talk about what you like, how you guys work together.” The beginning of a smile tipped at the corners of her delicate mouth, drawing his attention to her glossy pink lips.

  Corey was right about her help. He needed it. It made him wonder what sort of work she’d done previously and what her story was. He wondered what would make her put up with him the way she had over the last few weeks.

  “If you talk about that then that would lead to other things you want to talk about. It kind of locks them into a topic, and it would be hard to branch away. Plus, it would make them look bad if they tried to pry.”

  “Looks like we’re onto something.”

  She looked at him as he said that and smiled. “Look at us, we’re agreeing.” Her smile widened and he found himself fascinated with the warmth that rippled from it.

  “Don’t get all kumbaya on me.”

  She smirked. “I wasn’t going to.”

  He flicked his legs out so he could lie back on the sand. “Good, I wouldn’t want you to go soft on me…Amy.” He turned his head to face her and saw that she was looking at him. Surprise tickled her pretty face. He resisted the temptation to stare and instead gazed ahead of them at the gulls that flew past screeching. He looked far out to the brighter horizon that showed off the blend of colors the sun cast onto the sea, making it sparkle in the bright morning light.

  He still didn’t know if he could go through all of this. It was going to be difficult. While he knew there were boundaries and people would try to be sensitive, there was a chance he’d end up talking about his mother and sister at some point.

  He’d just have to see what happens, and try. Josh wanted to play football again. He knew that truth, so he had to let that desire guide him.

  Chapter 8

  He didn’t have as much to drink last night. Just one can of beer. It was the least amount he’d had in months.

  Josh wanted another, and his usual bottle of wine and rum, but he miraculously found the strength to resist.

  He’d distracted his mind with some old recordings of the last three years’ worth of games. He used to do this a lot, that way he could help with game strategies. He’d look at how the game played out: who did what, what worked, what didn’t. It was something he was really good at.

  Josh had always planned to coach one day, but that would be when he was too old to play. Carl Ferguson, who played for the Centaurs, was the oldest player in the football world. He was in his mid-forties and would be forty-six next year. There was no talk of his retirement. He was one of their best players, too valuable to lose.

  Josh hoped to be like that. So he was good for another couple of years. The question was what he was going to do with those years, and it started now.

  To make sure he got enough sleep he went to bed at a reasonable time and set his alarm for five. Again, that was something he hadn’t done in such a long time he forgot what it felt like to wake up at that hour. Josh felt surprisingly alert, like traces of his old self was peeking through the guarded wall of grief that suppressed him.

  He showered and got ready, dressing in a hooded jacket and running trousers. While he waited for the Disney princess he did some sit-ups and crunches. He also thought he’d take a walk on the beach, too, when she finished with him. He didn’t know what she had planned for today yet, but he wanted to do that. The beach soothed him. It was one of the perks of living so close.

  Amy was still annoyed at him by the time she left yesterday; Josh couldn’t worry about that. He was thinking about what he needed to do to sort himself out.

  He sat by the French windows in his room, waiting for her to come. Just before six he heard the front door open, then some shuffling around. He then heard her coming up the stairs praying. He wondered if that was it, maybe she was a former nun. It would explain the uptightness and the prudish attitude towards sex.

  Maybe she left the convent and was trying her hand at something new so she needed the money to get her foot in.

  She took caution in opening the door and came inside holding a large can of whipped cream. When she saw his empty bed her face fell and she looked panicked.

  She was wearing a cute little top today. Super girlie with its candy colors and ruffles. He liked her hair too. It was up in a loose bun on top of her head. Her hair off her face made her look even younger and drew attention to the sharp definition in her high, exotic cheekbones.

  “I’m here, Kansas, and if that cream isn’t for me to use on
you get rid of it.”

  Her head whipped up at the sound of his voice and she looked truly shocked to see him, but happy at the same time. “You’re awake?”

  “Well spotted, princess.”

  She smiled at him and he felt that warmth again.

  He stood up, put his hood up and made his way past her. “You coming?” he asked, because she still looked so surprised.

  “Yeah.”

  They did some more interview preparation because the rep was coming today, then they talked about the appearances and photo shoots she’d booked him in even though he said he didn’t want to do it. She advised that doing things like that was good because it created good press and had the added benefit of turning the media attention away from his family. He liked that she was so sensitive and protective. Josh absolutely didn’t want to answer any questions about how he was feeling or how the incident affected him.

  When the rep and Zelda arrived he was in much better shape. In body and mind. He didn’t know the rep, but Zelda looked quite impressed with him. All dealings he’d had with her, over the last few months in particular, had been terrible and they’d ended up arguing. It was good that she could see that he was trying. By the time the rep finished and they were done, she looked satisfied with his comments and at ease.

  Amy did too.

  “What now?” he asked Amy once they’d left. She’d just walked into the office and taken her seat around the desk.

  “I get back to work. Lots of emails to respond to and people to call back.”

  He wondered what everyone wanted but guessed he’d find out soon. She seemed to be quite good at this and he wondered again what her former job was.

  “What did you do before coming here to work for me?”

  The question threw her and she looked surprised by it. She straightened up and pulled in a breath.

  “I was a PA for the editor in chief at Style Magazine in New York.”

  Fashion. That explained a lot. He was used to Allegra and Cindy who always looked great, but there was a certain class about Amy that made him want to look and appreciate the efforts she made. Like the top she wore today. It looked beautiful but she’d given it more class by adding a small hummingbird broach near her right shoulder. The bird had blue gems encrusted on its pure gold body.