Shape Of My Heart

by Khardine Gray

  “Better.” Josh had made a full turnaround of his life. When he looked back to the mess of a person he was weeks ago, it made him feel good that he’d accomplished so much. He was training with the team and doing incredibly well with them, he’d given up alcohol completely and had done a full course of treatment with a therapist who’d worked wonders with him, and he didn’t have that doomed outlook he used to have of life. He was by no means a hundred percent, quite far from it, but he hoped to get there one day. Seeing his father was the last challenge. He’d geared himself up for the last few days to call him and planned to do it tomorrow, but this was good, even though Josh was still uneasy as hell.

  “I’m happy to hear that.” His father nodded.

  “How are you doing?” The last time Josh was this close to him he’d watched him sob by the gravesite, inconsolable. It was one of the most heart-wrenching moments of his life.

  “Better too. Clarissa’s birthday was hard.” He nodded. “Everything’s been hard, but what’s been harder is not seeing you. I really, really miss my son.”

  Sometimes he wondered how his father could offer him such pure, unrequited love that was neverending and unconditional. Especially since Josh had treated him so badly. His father had called him every day, and Josh had cowered away, hiding under his grief.

  “I miss you, too, Dad.” Josh focused on him, focusing on the wealth of love he saw displayed in his father’s eyes and felt a sense of calm fill him. “I’m sorry for not coming to see you.”

  “Son, I understand why you took everything so hard. I do, but you have to stop shutting me out. I’ve tried to do what works for you. I’ve stayed away, I’ve tried to visit, I’ve called you, and now I’m here.” He sounded desperate.

  Josh pulled in a breath. “I know.” He wanted to make sure he explained his feelings to him in the best way. “I didn’t want to shut you out.” He brought his hand up to his chin. “I felt guilty for everything. It felt like I killed Mom and Clarissa. I felt guilty for taking away the lives of the people you loved so much.”

  “That’s not true, son.” His father shook his head. “And you know I love you too.”

  “I know.” His father’s love was something he’d never doubted. Josh just believed he was undeserving of it. “But unlike me, Clarissa was like some magical being who had the ability to spread joy, happiness, and love wherever she went, and Mom was your everything. I felt like I took them away from you.” Josh brought his hands up to his temples as the vein there throbbed under the pressure of his memories.

  His father moved over to sit next to him and rested his hand on his shoulder. “Talk to me. Talking is good.” He offered a soothing smile.

  Josh looked at him and took a moment to steady his emotions. “Mom was the love of your life. You loved her to no end, and I saw you fall in love with her every day. Not many people can say that about their parents, and not many people find love like that. I felt like I took her away from you. Their lives were taken away because of me and football.”

  His father shook his head as he patted Josh’s shoulder. “It’s easy to blame yourself. But it wasn’t your fault. I blamed myself too. I was the father, the husband. I didn’t have a big game to worry about. You just wanted them there to watch you and be proud like we always were. There was nothing wrong with that. But I could have taken charge and told them not to come, not to drive after a storm. I could have done that. Josh, in all honesty, it was me who should have taken better care. But I never thought anything would happen.” He wiped away a tear that ran down his cheek.

  Josh looked him over, finding it hard to believe that he’d blamed himself too. It was the same for Josh. The same for anyone who loved his mother and sister, and felt like they could have done something different to change the course of events.

  “It wasn’t your fault, Dad.”

  “I know.” He steadied his breathing. “And that’s the most important thing to realize. These things really do just happen, and we have to remember that they wouldn’t want us to suffer the way we have. It will make all the happiness we shared count for nothing.”

  Josh nodded in complete agreement. “We should go to the cemetery together. Maybe we could go once a month.”

  “Yes. I think that’s a great idea.” His father smiled. “I’ll be there for all your games, too, as usual, and we can support each other.”

  “I’d like that. I think this season is going to be different than any other.”

  “I see you’re playing the Centaurs first.”

  “Yep, they are serious talent. But I think the season will be different because I’m different.”

  “I see.” His father smiled.

  Josh was different. He was taking things more seriously and trying to do everything by the book. He was trying to change in other ways, too. He looked towards the door and thought of Amy. It was her that helped him to get to this point. She helped in a tremendous way that he couldn’t have been more grateful for.

  His father followed his gaze and a soft smile spread across his lips. “So, is that a new girlfriend?”

  Josh looked back to his father. “Oh…um no. She’s my…” It didn’t seem right to call her his PA. Besides being insanely attracted to her, Amy had done a lot for him. She’d also awakened something in him that he never thought existed. She wanted slow and he wasn’t used to that. But if he had any sort of chance with her he’d grab the hell out of it. “She’s my PA,” he decided to say.

  “Your PA?” his father humored him.

  “She is.”

  “Okay, I believe you. She’s your PA.”

  That chance was something he may never have, but he’d enjoy their little before and after work kissing and flirting sessions.

  At least she wasn’t averse to any of it and seemed to like him too.

  Amy was glad to have the privilege of meeting Josh’s father. He seemed like a really nice guy.

  True to her word, she brought out the tea like she promised in half an hour. At that point they’d talked about the more sensitive matters and looked in better spirits.

  Josh invited her to sit with them and she listened with keen fascination as his father talked about the family property development business. He explained how he grew it and expanded to countries in the Caribbean and South America. She loved his talk of Italy and all the exciting places there. It was one of the places she desperately wanted to visit and planned to when she made it big as a designer. If. She shouldn’t get too overconfident. It was still an if.

  She left them later than she had planned and headed back to her apartment. This was the part of the day she disliked the most. She hated when she drove out of Malibu and headed towards downtown L.A. and watched the scenery around her change. No more grand mansions, manors, and beach houses. No more style and glamour.

  Amy could only describe where she lived as rough and unsafe. She parked in her usual spot and headed into the complex with more caution than she usually exhibited because it was later.

  Police were outside again questioning witnesses to whatever crime had happened today. It was a daily thing here. She just made sure that when she was here she walked with her head focused straight ahead and got up to her apartment as quickly as possible.

  As she got on her floor she heard talking and laughing. Amy hoped it wasn’t Dom and his friends, but sadly it was. She froze when she saw them standing at her door.

  No, not at her door. They were inside her apartment, she quickly realized to her horror. She was shocked to see him holding a pair of her panties to his lips.

  She would have run away but saw that one of the guys was holding her dress for the showcase. He was picking the rhinestones off and laughing.

  “What are you doing with my stuff?” She’d been taught to never confront anyone who could have the potential to harm her. She’d been taught self-preservation over challenging a threat. But, as Amy looked at the dress she had worked so hard on, and saw that they had it and were destroying her chance to fulfill
her dream, she felt like she wanted to die.

  All she’d done most of her life was take care of others, but when it came to what she wanted the opportunities were always pushed back or delayed in some way. Or pushed out of her reach.

  She put her heart and soul into that dress, and her last cent. So no, she couldn’t just run.

  “Blondie,” Dom said, coming up to her. “I’m tired of waiting. It’s time for that Kit Kat.”

  “Give me back my stuff,” she cried. The men behind him laughed and walked away. As they did she saw that they had her mannequin and sewing machine. She made a move to go after them but Dom grabbed her and held her back. “Let go of me,” she cried, pinching him.

  He did let go, but not without striking her across her face first. She screamed as the impact of his massive hand split her lip and sent her to the floor, reeling in pain. It felt like her brain had been knocked out of her head as everything spun around her.

  “Crazy bitch,” he balked. When she looked up to him cold terror gripped her as she found herself staring down the barrel of the gun he held at her. Certain this would be her last moment, she started to cry and shake. “See this, girlie? Next time you try something like that this will be in your pretty head. Be glad that I like you and have other plans for you. Go inside and wait for me.” He motioned inside her apartment. His gaze burned with such an intensity she felt her soul shiver. She did as he instructed, trying to make her body move against the fear and pain she felt. “Good girl. I’ll be back.”

  Amy broke down the minute he left.

  Chapter 14

  Amy managed to close the door.

  They’d destroyed the lock when they got in so she couldn’t secure herself in properly. She put the bin in front of the door to hold it shut because that was all she could move.

  Everything was gone. Her clothes, all her stuff, everything. All she had was what was on her back and in her bag.

  Agonized by despair, she sat in the darkness, crying. Not knowing what to do or where to turn. She thought of Josh but didn’t want to call and involve him. Dom had a gun and he just told her he’d be back.

  What should she do?

  She was shaking so much she had to hug her knees to her chest to hold it all in. Fear knotted her insides, pulling her between anticipation and dread.

  She stayed that way all night, crying and shaking until she watched the sunrise. Dom hadn’t come back but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t. She’d thought of every escape route she could use, but each would be bad. She was too high up to go through the window and there was no ledge or anything to grip on. It would be sure death. She thought of going out the corridor and making a run for it, but that was terrible, too, because either Dom or his lackeys would see her.

  She saw the way things worked here and always kept her head out of it for fear of getting mixed up. Now look at her.

  As the time pressed on she thought about work. How was she going to go?

  Amy managed to send both Josh and Hilda a message. She said she had a bad cold and wouldn’t be in today. Hilda messaged back instantly telling her to take care of herself. Josh didn’t message back. It was fine, he never usually responded to her messages anyway.

  She had to think of a way to leave. The only viable plan was to just make a run for it. The only problem was finding the strength and the courage to go.

  Josh shook his head as he watched Hilda. They’d been at Zuma Beach all day with the crew from Sports Illustrated taking pictures of him for another ad he hoped would be the last. These sorts of events took up his precious time, precious training time.

  “I can do this pose, or this.” Hilda did her best model’s pout and pose for the Sports Illustrated photographer who was having a field day with her. The poor guy had taken a shine to his pretty maid and had jumped at the chance to get a few snaps of her when he was done with Josh.

  Hilda was only too happy to accompany Josh to this dreadful shoot. He really hated anything like this and had been eager to get it over and done with. She’d come along to help with the PA stuff Amy would do and for the opportunity. Unknown to him, Hilda wanted to be a model and loved being in the spotlight. So this was good for her.

  He missed Amy today, missed her a lot. He’d gotten used to the fact of not seeing her on weekends, but the middle of the week felt off. He planned to take her some flowers tomorrow if she was still sick. She more than deserved it.

  Hilda skipped over to him with a bright smile on her face. “Oh my gosh, he just took my number and said he’d put me on the list for extras.” She looked so excited.

  “Sweetheart, you can do much better than working as an extra.” She could, she was beautiful, with her striking eyes and rich wealth of dark hair. “Hey Robert, or whatever your name is.” Josh signaled the photographer. He couldn’t quite remember his name.

  “It’s Robin, sir.”

  Josh knew it started with an R. “Does she look like a damn extra to you?”

  Hilda looked horrified. “Josh, I’m happy with whatever I can get.” She nodded at Robin and turned back to Josh. “This is the furthest I’ve gotten, please don’t ruin it for me,” she hissed at him under her breath.

  He ignored her. “You didn’t answer my question, Robin.” Josh eyed him with curiosity. “You just took a host of pictures and she proved she’s a natural. Why’d you do that if you were going to just add her to a list of extras?”

  “Okay, I’ll put you forward to be added to the model list.”

  Josh had a lot of influence with magazines like this. They knew he could always say no, and they didn’t want that because his pictures sold their magazines. There were plenty other athletes they could ask, but they seemed to like him. It wasn’t his fault that he was blessed with all the great looks God could give a man, and the body too.

  Hilda screamed and hugged him. “Thank you, oh my gosh.” Now she started jumping up and down.

  “I’m going to get back to sorting out those shots. But if you’re free we can go over some stuff on how it works,” Robin said. His tentative manner told Josh that was just a clever ruse to ask Hilda out.

  Josh spoke before Hilda could answer. “Man, why don’t you just ask her out and be done with it?”

  Hilda’s face turned red, but wasn’t worse than Robin’s, whose face colored fiercely, making his fair features and blond hair stand out.

  Josh wasn’t into this beating around the bush crap and making up clever excuses to ask a woman out. He’d never been like that and found it to be such a waste of time.

  “Josh, geez,” Hilda scolded.

  But Josh once again ignored her. He knew what he was talking about. “Well, don’t just stand there, man, state your intentions for my Hilda and I will let her know if you are worthy of her presence.”

  Robin laughed now and Hilda looked up at him with an expression of awe on her face.

  “I was hoping to ask her out to dinner,” Robin confessed.

  Hilda looked surprised to hear that.

  Josh nodded. “Okay, isn’t that better? You seem alright and not too shabby. What do you think, Hilda?”

  Hilda started to laugh. “I think I would love to go to dinner.”

  “Cool, there you go.”

  Robin smiled and left them. Josh shrugged into his jacket and swung his backpack over his shoulder.

  “Thank you.” Hilda still looked at him with gratitude. “I’ve never had anyone do that for me.”

  “You’re most welcome. I have another thing like this tomorrow. Will you come if Amy is still sick?”

  “Of course.” Her eyes sparkled.

  “Have you heard from her since this morning?”

  He hadn’t managed to call or message back yet because of being here. When the message came through he was already late to leave. He thought he’d have a moment throughout the day but hadn’t had much of a break.

  Hilda shook her head. “I was going to swing by her place tomorrow and see her.”

  “Let’s go together af
ter the shoot.”

  He thought he’d call her now, though, because he just wanted to hear her voice. He’d never called her before.

  Hilda went to gather her stuff as he took out his phone and hit Amy’s number.

  Amy answered on the second ring. “Josh.” Her voice sounded weak.

  “Baby, I miss you so much.”

  “Hey.” There was a smile in her voice. “I miss you too. Did…um your shoot go okay?” Now her voice sounded shaky. Not like when you were sick, but more like…

  Worried, scared maybe. Maybe that was just how she sounded when she was sick.

  “There were women all over me; I had to fend them off.”

  There was a long pause, then she breathed into the phone. “Oh, that’s good.”

  He narrowed his eyes. “Did you hear what I said?”

  “I think so.” Now he was sure she was crying and alarm struck him.

  “Amy, baby, are you okay? I was totally joking about the women.”

  “I’m fine. I should go. My throat really hurts.” She was crying.

  “Okay baby, I’ll see you soon. Don’t worry about tomorrow if you’re still sick.”

  “Thanks.” Yes she was definitely crying and he felt now that something was wrong.

  He hung up, looked over at Hilda, and bit the inside of his lips. “Hilda, where does Amy live? You have an address, right?”

  “Yes. It’s downtown in the old freight apartments,” Hilda replied.

  Josh widened his eyes in horror. “She lives where?” His mouth dropped. He wouldn’t even venture down those parts himself because it was so rough and one sure way for something to happen to you. He could defend himself if there was trouble but never went looking for it. And as for the freight apartments, they weren’t even livable. They looked more like small county jail cells. He couldn’t conceive that his Amy was living in a place like that.

  “I know, tough area, right?” Hilda scribbled down the address and handed it to him. “I’ve tried to tell her how rough it is but she maintains she’s lived in New York and Atlanta and would be fine. I guess, though, that it’s more about saving what she can for her mom.”