by Erin Osborne
Caleb nods his head and rests it on my shoulder. I feel the wetness hitting my neck and know he’s crying. The dam breaks and I start crying all over again. Killer and Shy help me stand up with Caleb in my arms and lead us inside the house. Shy walks us directly to an empty room on the first floor, and I lay down in the bed with Caleb.
It’s not long before my son goes limp in my arms, and I know he’s fallen asleep. I let sleep claim me and dream of Playboy being led away in handcuffs. He’s going to prison because he tried to save me. I’ll never let go of the guilt I feel over this.
Waking up, I’m disoriented as I look around the room. The day’s events surface in my mind, and I want to start crying all over again. This isn’t fair, and there’s nothing I can do until Slim gets back to let us know what’s going on.
A thought suddenly pops into my head, and I gently untangle myself from Caleb’s small body. He nestles back into the pillows, and I pull a blanket up to cover up him up. After making sure he’s going to remain asleep, I leave the room and go in search of Shy or whoever else is in the house.
I find Slim, Killer, Shy, who’s holding Rayven, and Stryker all sitting at the kitchen table. They stop talking when I walk into the room. Slim stands from his seat and makes his way over to me. He wraps his large arms around me and holds me against him for a minute. I soak up the strength and warmth because I’m going to need it for the next few minutes.
“What’s going on with him?” I ask, pulling back and looking up into the eyes that remind me of Playboy’s.
“I’m not sure right now. It’s not lookin’ good, though. Supposedly, they have a witness,” Slim tells me as my eyes once again fill with tears. “Sam, I need to tell you somethin’.”
“What?” I ask him.
“Playboy doesn’t want to see you. He won’t accept any visits from you at the jail,” Slim tells me.
“What? Why?” I ask him, my voice rising several octaves.
“I’m not sure. He just asked me to tell you that,” Slim answers. “I’ll work on him about it, though. I promise.”
“Slim, what if I went to the police and told them what happened? This is all because he was trying to save me. I can save him if I go there and tell them the man kidnapped me. They can pull the footage from the store and prove I’m telling the truth,” I rush out.
“Not gonna happen, darlin’,” Slim tells me. “You didn’t go forward when it happened, and now it will look like you’re just protectin’ your man. The lawyer is gonna work on it and talk to the witness so he can get his story.”
“But . . .” I begin as Shy comes to stand next to me.
“This isn’t the club’s first rodeo. Let them handle business. They’re going to keep you out of it as much as possible,” she tells me.
“Can I just go home, please?” I ask, suddenly completely drained and needing to be on my own with my son.
“Yeah. I’ll take you,” Killer tells me, leaving to go get the SUV after Shy hands him the keys.
“Can you get me the information I need so I can write to him at least?” I ask Slim.
“Yeah. I’ll message you in a little while and give it to you. Let me go get Caleb and put him in the SUV,” Slim answers.
Slim returns to the room, cradling a still sleeping Caleb to his massive chest. He’s protecting my son, and I know he’ll continue to do so no matter what happens with Playboy. My guilt ramps up again as I realize I just took a son from his father, stepmother, sister, another sister, niece, and nephews. Not to mention everyone in the club he considers his family.
I hang my head in shame as Killer walks back into the house. The compound is eerily quiet as we walk outside and get in the SUV. I hear Slim whisper something to my son and don’t pay attention as I get in and fasten my seatbelt. Killer slides into the driver’s side after talking to Slim for a minute and leaves the clubhouse.
The sky is gray and overcast as we head home. It looks exactly how I feel right now. No matter what I do, the club is going to shoot down any idea I have about making sure Playboy leaves jail and doesn’t serve too much time. I stare out the window as I think of what I can do since he won’t see me. I guess my only option is to write him a letter and hope he accepts that.
Killer pulls up in front of my house. He shuts the engine off and grabs Caleb from the backseat. Caleb still hasn’t woken up, and I know the day is taking a toll on him. I walk in front of Killer and lead the way to the house. After unlocking the door, he walks inside and directly to Caleb’s bedroom.
Our rooms are on the first floor of the house. There’s three more bedrooms upstairs, but we don’t use them. The first floor has two bedrooms, a kitchen, dining room, bathroom, laundry room, and living room. There’s even a mudroom off the garage. Everything except for the hallway where the bedrooms are is an open floor plan. I can easily see from one side of the house to the other, and that’s what I love. Caleb is never far from my sight unless he’s in his room playing.
Killer walks back into the living room and looks at me. He wants to say something, it’s written all over his face. Instead, he walks by me, places a hand on my shoulder for a minute, and then walks out the door. He remains on the porch until I follow him over and lock the door behind him.
Now, I’m at a loss. I’m not sure what I should be doing because, without Playboy, my life doesn’t make sense. Not anymore.
So, I walk to my bedroom, leave the door open because of Caleb, and grab my notebook. Sitting on the bed, I quietly turn my phone on and pull up my music. I choose Missed by Ella Henderson.
Dear Playboy,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this because of me. I should be the one sitting in there while you live your life with your family and club. Instead, you’re paying the ultimate price for trying to protect me.
Before you left, you told me you love me. Well, I love you. I never thought I’d let anyone in again after Carl and the life he made me live for so long. But, you broke through all my walls and showed me not all men are the same.
I love you for the man you are. You’re my friend, my son’s hero, and an amazing man. There’s no one in the world like you. I wish I could tell you how I felt about you. For now, I’ll have to settle for writing it in this letter.
I’m not sure why you won’t let me see you. I don’t think any less of you, and I never will. You’re a man who’s not afraid to do whatever’s necessary to protect those you care about. I hope you change your mind about letting me see you.
Caleb was told you weren’t going to be around for a while. It broke his little heart, and I don’t know what to do to take his pain away. I can’t when my own heart is shattered now. You knew, though, didn’t you? Why didn’t you warn me? I would’ve spent every single second with you and kept you wrapped in my arms. You’d know how much you mean to me. To us.
If you can, listen to Love Me by Aaron Lewis. That song is our song, and I’ll never listen to it again without thinking of you. Because all you’ve done since I got here is try to show me you want more, and I never realized it until this minute.
Love Always,
Sam
My tears are flowing, and they drip on the paper as I rip it from the notebook. I fold it and place it in the envelope before sealing it. Placing a kiss on the back of the envelope, my lip gloss leaves a mark because it lasts all day. There’s a faint pink outline of my lips, and I smile because Playboy is always teasing me about it.
Setting the letter on the nightstand next to my bed, I walk through the house and make sure everything is locked up tight. I should get something to eat because I didn’t get a chance at the clubhouse. Caleb ate before Killer brought him over to Slim and Shy’s house. Unfortunately, I know I won’t be able to keep any food down now.
My stomach is in knots, and I’m too upset to eat. The only thing I’ll accomplish is getting sick, and that’s the last thing I need right now. So, I take a glass down from the cupboard and fill it with cold water from the tap. After taking a few sips, I
dump the rest down the drain. Even that seems to be too much for me right now.
Walking into Caleb’s room, I cover him up again. My son kicks his blankets off all night long, and I usually check on him whenever I get up and cover him back up. I kiss him on the forehead and brush his hair back from his face. Then, I go back into my room, slide my shorts from my body, and take my shirt off.
Climbing into bed, I pull the covers up and check my phone. Slim has sent me a message with the information I need to send Playboy a letter. I pull the envelope to me and fill it out before placing it back on the nightstand. Laying down in bed, I pull my phone back over to me and pull up my reading app. I’m currently reading an MC novel, and I’m completely in love with the characters.
I read until I fall asleep with my phone on the charger. Playboy fills my dreams, and he’s pissed at me. He hates being in jail because of me, and I don’t blame him one bit. I toss and turn as the dream plays on a loop in my mind.
Chapter Three
Playboy
I’VE BEEN IN this hellhole for two days now. Instead of going to the yard for rec or hanging out with the other inmates, I stay in my cell. I’ve gotten a pad and pen and spend my time writing to Sam. I’ve written a letter for both days I’ve been here.
My thoughts remain on Sam and Caleb. I had every intention of making her mine at the cookout. And those plans went out the window when the cops showed up to arrest me for murder.
As soon as I got to the police department, the cops took me into an interrogation room. They questioned me and tried to get me to talk for over an hour before the club’s lawyer got there. He answered their questions for me and told them I wouldn’t be saying a word until he saw the evidence against me and had a chance to find out more about the witness.
So, here I sit in the county jail awaiting trial. I’ve had no contact with the lawyer since I was transferred, but I know he’ll show up when he needs to. It’s the way he works, and he’s gotten more than one of us out of jams we manage to find ourselves in more than once over the years. He’s good at what he does, and the club pays him well to do his job.
“Busch got a visitor,” one of the guards tells me.
I stand from my bunk and turn my back to the guard. He places the cuffs on me before leading me to the visiting room.
“You got twenty minutes with no camera on. Make it count,” the guard tells me.
Yeah, we have guards in our pocket. It pays to have friends on the inside.
“Is it a woman?” I ask, walking down the hall.
“No. It’s your dad,” he answers, opening the door for me.
I walk in and take a seat at the table. He lets me know he’ll be outside the door and lets it shut behind me. Taking my seat, I look across the table at my father and club President. He stares at me with a blank expression on his face, so I have no clue what’s going through his mind right now.
“Did you tell Sam not to visit me?” I ask him, needing to break the silence.
“I did. Broke her fuckin’ heart when I did too,” he responds. “Playboy, she doesn’t understand why you won’t see her. Hell, she’s ready to go to the cops and let them know what happened to her.”
“You better talk her outta that, Dad. I don’t want her involved in this, and I’ll be damned if she’s dragged into this shit. Sam’s been through enough,” I tell him.
“You love her,” my dad states. “So, tell me why you won’t see her.”
“I don’t want her to see me this way. I’m a fuckin’ caged animal in here, and that’s not the image I want in her head,” I tell him. “I won’t be acceptin’ her letters or calls either. Let her know that for me.”
My dad shakes his head. He doesn’t understand how hard this is for me. Hearing her melodic voice will kill me. Seeing her words written on a piece of paper will gut me. I can’t reach out and touch her, pull her into my arms, or comfort her the way I want to. Doesn’t he understand that?
“Would you want Shy to see you in here?” I ask him trying to make him understand.
“No, I wouldn’t. But, I wouldn’t completely shut her the fuck out either. You’ve been the one person she’s let all the way in since comin’ here. Now, who knows what the fuck is gonna happen. I don’t know if she’ll see any of us. Then where’s that gonna leave her?” he asks me.
“It’s gonna leave her to live her life with Caleb. That little boy and woman mean the absolute fuckin’ world to me. I’ll do anythin’ to keep them safe and protect them from everythin’ I can. Includin’ me,” I tell my dad.
“Son, I don’t think this is the way to do that. Those two are in a world of pain right now, and you’re the only one who will be able to help them,” he tells me.
I shake my head at him. It kills me to hear they’re in so much pain. There’s nothing I can do about it while I’m in here, though. I can’t take them in my arms or reassure them I’m okay and I’ll be home as soon as possible. No, I don’t know if I’m coming back home. Ever. If I’m lucky, I won’t get life. If I’m not, Sam and Caleb need to forget about me and move the hell on with their lives.
My dad lets me know what’s going on with the club. Then he tells me Anderson, our lawyer, will be going over everything he has on my case and will come to see me soon. Then he lets me know about Rayven and her latest antics. She’s crawling all over the place, and he thinks it won’t be long until she’s walking. My little sister is smart as hell, and she knows it too.
Rayven is a perfect mixture of my dad and Shy. She’s got Shy’s blonde hair and my dad’s eyes. She’s going to be a beautiful woman when she gets older, and my dad will have his work cut out for him. We all will because none of the club’s Princess’s will ever date. I feel bad for them, but no one will be good enough for any of them.
“Son, I love you. I’m goin’ to head home. I want you to think about Sam and lettin’ her in while you’re in here. It could help make your time go by faster until you come home,” he tells me.
“Dad, we both know the chances of that happenin’ are slim to none,” I tell him. “I love you. Give Shy and Rayven my love. Please don’t tell Maddie what’s goin’ on either. She’ll lose her fuckin’ mind and come here. With or without Tank.”
My dad nods his head because he knows it’s the truth. Maddie has gotten very confident and doesn’t let anyone stand in her way when she wants to do something. If she finds out I’m locked up— she’ll be in Benton Falls quicker than hell and try to fix the situation. There’s nothing she can do to help me. My only form of help will be coming in Anderson.
Dad hugs me before leaving the room. Yeah, he’s not supposed to, but we don’t give a fuck about rules and regulations. We live our lives the way we want and don’t give a fuck about what anyone thinks about us. Now, I don’t have my freedom, and I’m on someone else’s timetable.
I watch as my dad leaves the room before I turn to face the guard who will walk me back to my cell. He opens the door and lets me get in front of him before we make the short trip back. Once I’m in my cell, he uncuffs me and goes about his business.
Sitting on my bunk, I pull out the paper and pen I have. It’s time to let Sam know why I can’t see her, talk to her, or read her letters. Not that she’ll get it because I don’t see myself sending any of these letters to her. I’ll probably keep them with me and give them to her if I ever get outta here.
Dear Sam,
I love you more than I could ever tell you or show you. Caleb is my son, and if I ever get the hell out of here, I’m going to make you both mine. You’ll be my ol’ lady, and we’ll do what we have to do for me to adopt Caleb. I hate bein’ away from you both, and I wish I were there with you.
That being said, I don’t regret the choices I’ve made. I’d make them all over again and do the same thing. This isn’t on you, and I don’t want to hear you’re shoulderin’ the blame for what I’ve done.
Sam, you’re an amazin’ woman, and I’ll never be able to tell you all the reasons I say that. You’r
e an amazin’ mom, you’re my best friend, my woman, and I love you. Caleb is smart as hell, he’s crazy, amazin’, and makes everyone around him laugh. He sits back and accesses every single situation before he makes a choice and will be a great man when he gets older.
There are reasons I can’t see you. I can’t see you and not be able to touch you, hold you, or kiss you. I’ll want to pull you in my arms and never let you go. If I hear your voice, I’ll want to keep you on the phone, and that’s not possible. Finally, if I see your words on paper, I’ll want to be there with you. I’ll see the tears you’re cryin’ on the paper, and it will kill me. So, please, let me have this.
Another reason is I don’t want you to see me like a caged animal. That’s what I am right now. I’m an animal, and if I see you, I’ll be handcuffed the entire time, and we won’t be able to touch or get close. Your memories of me need to be filled with me on the outside. Memories we made at your house and the clubhouse. Or anywhere else we’ve ever been.
Love You Always,
Playboy
I fold the letter and put it in the box I have with the other two letters. Lying back on the bunk, I place my hands under my head and let thoughts of my family fill my head. Not my club family; Sam and Caleb. They’re my family, and I’m going to do whatever I can to keep them with me unless I’m stuck in here for the rest of my life. I won’t hold either one of them back from living their lives. They both deserve to live, love, and have chances they wouldn’t normally have with me in the picture.
Those thoughts are still swirling through my head as I close my eyes and let sleep claim me. I take cat naps in here because you never know what’s going to happen. I’m never fully asleep as things can happen in the blink of an eye. I’m going to need to sleep for a week straight once I get out of here.
If I get out of here.
Chapter Four