by Erin Osborne
Sam
IT’S BEEN ALMOST a week since Playboy was arrested. My letter was sent back to me. Unopened. So, not only is he not going to see me, but he’s not going to call me or accept my letters. When I got it, I cried my heart out on the front porch. Caleb was in my arms to comfort me, and he cried right along with me. He doesn’t understand what’s going on.
Caleb asks about Playboy every single day. Then he asks about Papi and the rest of the guys from the club. There’s no way I can explain he can’t see Playboy anytime soon. I’ve tried. When anyone from the club has stopped by, and they do daily, I ignore the door and take Caleb to my room. It hurts too much to see them right now. I’ll face them soon, just not yet.
Waking up, I run to the bathroom once again. For the last three days, I’ve been waking up and getting sick. I have a feeling I know what’s going on, but I don’t want to acknowledge it right now. Not when Playboy isn’t here with me.
As soon as I’m done getting sick, I flush the toilet and brush my teeth. I splash cold water on my face and run a brush through my hair so I can throw it up in a messy bun. Once I’m as presentable as I’m going to get, I walk in my room and throw a pair of shorts on with a tank top. I walk into Caleb’s room and wake him up before heading to the kitchen to start making breakfast.
I’m mixing the pancake batter when Caleb comes walking out. He’s already dressed in a pair of shorts, and one of the Phantom Bastards support shirts Playboy got him. All week he’s worn anything he can to think of the man got him. He’s only played with the toys bought by Playboy, and he’s drawn several pictures for him. Those are all being stored in my nightstand, where they’re safe and sound.
I pour the batter onto the griddle, and there’s a knock on the door. Before I can stop him, Caleb is running for the door, and he opens it to Slim, Shy, and Killer. Shy’s holding Rayven, and they’re all looking at me expectantly.
Fuck my life!
“Come in,” I tell them as I turn my back on them to rescue the pancakes before they burn. “You guys want breakfast?”
“Yeah, we’ll eat with you guys,” Slim answers me.
“Papi, you’re here,” Caleb says, running to him.
Caleb sits down on Slim’s lap and wraps his arms around him. I’ve separated them, and my heart breaks as I watch him soak up the attention. It’s not long before he’s walking over to Shy so he can see baby Rayven.
“Need to talk,” Slim tells me, as I continue to make breakfast for everyone.
“What’s going on?” I ask, keeping my back to the table, so I don’t have to look at anyone.
“Playboy may be in jail right now, but that doesn’t mean you get to push the rest of us away. I know why he won’t see you,” Slim says. “Saw him a few days ago, and he doesn’t want you to see him that way. Doesn’t want you to be there and not be able to be in his arms or anythin’ like that.”
“What about the letter, then?” I ask, tears beginning to form in my eyes.
“What do you mean?” Shy asks me softly.
“I wrote him a letter, and it got sent back, unopened. He won’t even accept that,” I tell them.
I pull the pancakes from the griddle and put more batter on to cook. Once they’re on, I grab the eggs to make scrambled eggs and the sausage links I pulled out when I started making breakfast. Shy comes over to me and helps me cook breakfast while the guys and Caleb sit at the table.
In no time at all, breakfast is made and served. I grab orange juice for the table and hope no one wants coffee. I’m not really in the mood to run to the bathroom again right now.
“Give him some time,” Killer tells me before taking a bite of his food. “He may change his mind about seein’ you. Probably not little man here, but that’s no place for him to go.”
I nod my head and force myself to eat the food in front of me. Everyone else eats their breakfast.
“Papi, want a ride,” Caleb suddenly says.
“On my bike?” Slim asks him.
“Yeah,” he answers, trying to make himself appear taller and bigger.
“When you get a little older, you can go for a ride on my bike,” he tells him.
Caleb pouts and slumps down in his seat. It’s something Playboy had planned to do, and now I’m not sure he’ll be able to. I want to break down and cry again. It seems that’s all I’ve been doing for the last week, though. Now, there’s an even bigger problem I’ll have to face. Alone.
“So, is there any particular reason you guys stopped by?” I ask.
“Wanted to check on you. Know you been avoidin’ us,” Slim answers. “Not gonna let you hideout, though.”
“It’s not that I’m hiding from you guys. I’m just not good company right now. And I feel as if this is my fault. I’ve got a lot going on, and I’m trying to figure everything out,” I respond.
“Well, we’re here to help you with all that,” Killer tells me. “You may not be claimed officially by Playboy, but you and Caleb are family. We’re here for you as we’ve always been here.”
Killer doesn’t usually talk much. Today is honestly the most I’ve ever heard the man talk. He’s more the silent, brooding type who only has eyes for Gwen. Well, when he’s not fucking the house bunnies. But, that’s his deal and not mine.
“I appreciate it, but I need to stand on my own two feet. I get people in trouble and locked up when I’m around,” I tell the people around the table.
“Look, what if this had happened when you were rescued instead of now. Would you be holdin’ this much guilt about it?” Slim asks me.
“Yes, I would. No one deserves to be in prison because of me. Or because they helped me. I’m not good enough for that,” I respond honestly.
“You sayin’ my son ain’t good enough for you?” Slim asks.
“Not at all. What I’m saying is I’m not good enough for him. I’ve had more men than he’s had women. I can guarantee that. I’ve got a child, and I’m living in a home belonging to your club. I don’t have a job or anything else. So, I’m not good enough for Playboy,” I say on a sob. “I love that man with everything in me, and I know I need to let him go. That’s what I’m going to try to do. He deserves someone clean and without a tainted past like mine.”
“Fuck that!” Killer explodes, leaving the table and house.
“I didn’t mean to upset him, but it’s the truth. Playboy may have blood on his hands, but I’m way dirtier than he’ll ever be.”
“You truly believe that, don’t you?” Shy asks me.
Nodding my head, I finish my breakfast and begin to clean up. Slim and Shy stay for a few more minutes until Caleb’s done eating. They let me know they’ll be back and won’t accept me hiding out from them anymore. Slim kisses me on the top of my head, and they leave.
Once I have everything cleaned up and put away, I grab my purse, and we walk to the garage. Caleb and I get in the car, and I fasten him in before opening the door and heading for the pharmacy. I need to grab a few things and then start looking for a job. It would be easier if I didn’t have my son with me, but that can’t be helped right now. I would’ve asked Gwen, but not after the way Killer stormed out of my house.
It takes minutes to get to the middle of town and the pharmacy. I park the car alongside the row in parking spots. Caleb and I get out, and we head inside. The front clerk greets me before she goes back to stocking the shelves.
I wander around the store, so I don’t head directly to the pregnancy tests and grab a few other items, including a few little toys for Caleb. I don’t have much, but Playboy made sure I have money in an account. I’ll take forty dollars out of it since I’ve never touched it before. At this point, I don’t even know how much money is in there. I won’t touch it, though. I’ve got some saved up, and that will have to last us for a little while.
Finally, I grab a few different tests, and we make our way to the register at the front of the store. Once I’ve paid for our purchase, Caleb and I walk down the street. I stop in several sto
res and ask for an application. Out of the stores I go in, I walk out with only two applications. This isn’t looking good. And, I’m not about to go to the club for a job. I’m not a stripper, and I don’t know what else they have going on. But, with what I suspect, I’m not sure I’ll be around here much longer.
I feel defeated as Caleb, and I walk back to the car. We get in and head back home where I can look over the applications I have and take the pregnancy tests that seem to be burning a hole in the bag holding them. At a stop sign, I look at the bag, and I don’t want to find the results out. I have no choice, though.
“Mama, I play?” Caleb asks from the back seat as I pull into the driveway.
“In your room, for now, honey. We’ll come outside in a little while,” I tell him.
“Okay,” he tells me.
We get into the house, and Caleb makes his way to his bedroom. I follow him and hand over the three little toys I got him at the pharmacy. When he’s distracted and playing with them on his bedroom floor, I make my way to the bathroom and close the door behind me.
Taking a deep breath, I pull the boxes from the bag and open the first one. Sitting down on the toilet, I do my business with two out of the four tests I bought. I place them on the empty boxes on the counter in the bathroom and wash my hands. While I’m waiting, I clean the bathroom a little bit.
My hands are trembling as I try to wipe down the wall of the shower. I can feel my heart racing in my chest, and my breathing is picking up. If I don’t get myself under control, I’ll have a full-blown panic attack. So, I look down at the tests and see both of them are positive. I’m pregnant with Playboy’s baby, and he’s currently sitting in a jail cell because of me.
I let a few tears slip free before I throw the evidence away and tie off the bag so I can throw it in the garbage. If anyone else from the club comes over, I don’t need them seeing that I’m pregnant. Right now, I don’t want anyone to know I’m pregnant. If Playboy can’t find out, no one else deserves to know. He’s the father and deserves to know before anyone else.
After taking the garbage out and placing it in the garbage can, I go back inside and sit down at the kitchen table. Looking over the applications, I already know I won’t be getting hired at either of these stores. They’re looking for a college education, and I didn’t graduate. I don’t think going for partial nursing degree counts.
Despair fills me, and I try to think of something I can do while looking for a job. Maybe I can work at the fast-food place on the outskirts of town. That’s about the only thing I’m qualified for. And it won’t provide much of a future for Caleb much less a new baby. I’m royally fucked.
The rest of the day I spend with Caleb. I push thoughts of a new baby out of my mind. It’s not easy because it’s all I can think about. But, Caleb deserves my full attention as we play in the yard, and I hear the rumble of bikes passing every so often. I know it’s the members of the club riding by to make sure we’re okay. My heart breaks a little every time I hear a bike. Caleb gets so excited and wants to run to meet Playboy. I have to tell him it’s not Playboy coming to see us. Then he’s defeated, and it hurts even more.
I’ve messed everything up.
Later on, when Caleb is asleep in my bed because he didn’t want to be alone tonight, I pull out my notebook and pen. I write a letter to Playboy and tell him about the baby, how I’m scared to be pregnant and alone. My fears of the baby growing up without a father or anyone in the club in his or her life. Then, I tell him about my plan to leave town. If he can’t know about the baby, no else can either. It’s not fair or right.
After writing the letter to him, I set everything aside and lay down. Caleb cuddles me in his sleep as I shut the lights and TV off. The dark consumes me, and my thoughts are of Playboy. He’s the only thing I think of when I fall asleep these days. I can’t push him out of my mind, and that’s what makes this so hard.
Chapter Five
Playboy
THE DAYS ALL blend together. Spending time in my cell, the only thing I do is think of Caleb and Sam. They’re the only thing on my mind from the time I get up until the time I go to sleep. Even then, they’re in my dreams, and I can’t get away from them. Not that I want to.
Images of Sam with tears streaming down her face and her arms wrapped around her body in defeat and guilt fill my mind. That’s never a way I wanted to see her. She takes the blame for me being locked up, and she shouldn’t. Sam didn’t kidnap her fucking self and then call me. A madman kidnapped her, and she got rescued because she needed it.
The only time I leave my cell is when my father or another club member comes to see me or when it’s time to eat. Everyone leaves me the fuck alone because my dad made sure I’d be protected in here. Yeah, we have it like that, and it’s just a fact. We’d do it for any club member locked up.
One of the guards has tried to give me another letter from Sam, and I send it back with him unopened. It breaks my heart, and I hate myself for not reading it, but to keep my sanity, it’s what I have to do.
I haven’t seen my lawyer since the day I got arrested. So, I’ve been in here three weeks now, and he hasn’t done a damn thing to get me out or to a hearing before trial. I’m pissed about it, and my dad knows. He keeps trying to reassure me the lawyer is working his magic, and he’ll let me know when he has something. Until then, I’m supposed to just sit tight and not think about it.
How the fuck am I supposed to not think about it?
When I’m in my cell, I use my time to do push-ups, sit-ups, and any other workout I can without going to the yard. Yeah, I could be networking and shit while I’m in here, but that doesn’t interest me. At least not right now. Maybe once my fate is sealed, and I know what’s going to happen to me, I’ll feel more like networking and things.
“Busch, time for lunch,” the guard calls out.
Getting off my bunk, I head out of the cell and join the line with the rest of the men I’m in jail with. We’re all heading to the cafeteria when a fight breaks out. I’m not sure who’s involved in it, but my goal is to stay away from the mess. The last thing I need is more charges added on to what I’m already facing.
The fight seems to drag on and on, while more inmates join in. You can barely tell who’s fighting and who’s not as bodies are flung around, and fists are being thrown in every direction. Looking around, I see several men trying to get against the closest wall to show they’re not involved in this mess. I’m included in this, but it seems the fighting surrounds me. What a clusterfuck.
Guards charge into the room, and as I try to get against the wall. Before I can place my chest to the wall, I’m sucker punched by one of the men in the fight. I have to fight every single instinct in me to retaliate. But, I do, and I can already feel the pain radiating in my face. My jaw is aching, and I know there’s gonna be a nasty bruise. Fucking great!
When they finally get the inmates involved in the fight taken out of the room, we’re all taken back to our cells. It’s not like I enjoy the food they serve us. Or what they call food. But, I’m hungry, and now we won’t get to eat until dinner time.
Once I’m back in my cell, I collapse on my bunk and wait to see what else today is going to bring.
It’s not long before I’m being called by a guard again. This time, I have a visitor.
Walking into the room, I see Shy sitting at the table waiting for me. What the hell is she doing here?
“Sit down, Playboy,” she tells me.
“What are you doin’ here?” I ask, not bothering with the pleasantries.
“Need to talk to you. Now, sit down and listen before you lose the best thing to ever happen in your life,” Shy tells me.
“What are you talkin’ about?” I ask, finally sitting down. “Where’s Sam and Caleb?”
“They’re still here for now. I’m not sure how long she’ll stay here, though. With the way you’re acting right now, she doesn’t think she has anything left to stay here for. Hell, any of us can hardly get i
n the door to spend time with them these days. She’s pushing us away because as far as she’s concerned, we’re your family and only accepted her because she came to us as a domestic violence victim,” she tells me.
“And she’s told you all this?” I question.
‘No. I can see it in her eyes. She’s taking everything on her shoulders, and she’s gonna break. And, she’s hiding something from us,” she answers. “It was so bad; Killer left the house without a word last week and hasn’t been back since. Said she wasn’t good enough for you. You’re not helping the situation.”
“Fuck!” I yell out.
“Yeah. And what happened to your face?” she suddenly asks.
“Nothin’. Somethin’ happened just before you showed up for a visit,” I tell her. “What am I supposed to do, Shy?”
“What do you mean?” she asks me, placing her hands on the table as she waits for me to answer.
“I don’t want her to see me like this. I’m a caged fuckin’ animal in here. If I hear her voice or see her tears stainin’ the paper of her letters, I’m gonna break and want her to come here. Do you know what I’ve been doin’ for the last three weeks? I’ve been writing her a letter every single day. And I don’t send a single one of them to her. They sit in a box in my cell. Because I don’t want her to see my words when I’m not there to hold her or comfort her,” I tell her. “So, I ask again, what am I supposed to do.”
“Then either send her a fucking letter or let her come see you once so you can explain this shit to her, Griffin. She deserves so much better than what you’re doing to her now,” Shy says.
“I can’t do it. I want to be with them so bad, and it’s not meant to be right now. Shy, I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I know what it has in store for Sam and Caleb. She’s goin’ to move on with her life and finish school. That’s what I want for her; to finish nursin’ school and follow her dreams. Caleb will benefit from her doin’ that. she’s got money in her account from me, and she’s not touchin’ a dime of it. You tell her I want her to use that money to go to school and make somethin’ of herself.