How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy

by Charles Fudgemuffin

  “And how’s that gonna trick them?” Monty inquired.

  “It won’t,” Eric conceded. “But realistically I’ve just admitted to myself that basically there’s nothing we can do, so basically there’s no point wasting time with bluffs and stuff. I might as well just have the satisfaction of telling them what I think of them and letting them know that I’ve sussed their game.”

  “Ar, it’s a bit shit, this, like,” Garth interjected. His emotions had likewise just reached the point where they had began to accept the bleakness of the situation.

  “Aye, it’s a gutter, like,” Monty agreed.

  “It’s a gutter and all that,” Eric concurred, “but at least the fact that everyone else on Earth is going to die as well at least makes it a bit less scary.”

  “Ar, that’s nice, like,” Garth remarked, meaning exactly the opposite.

  “No, I don’t mean it like that,” Eric replied, defensively.

  “What do you mean, then?” Monty asked.

  “Well, I mean obviously if I had a choice between just me dying or everyone on Earth dying I’d obviously not want everyone else to die as well,” Eric explained. “But seeing as how they are going to die, it sort of makes uz feel that at least I’m not the only one.”

  “Ar, that’s nice,” Monty mocked. “I’m going to die, but looking on the bright side … at least billions of other people are going to die as well.”

  “I’m probably not explaining it very well,” Eric admitted. “I just mean that when a load of people are in a predicament together it’s sort of comforting.”

  “Yeah, ‘Phewf, I take great comfort from the deaths of seven billion other people.’” Monty joked.

  “No I don’t mean it like that.” Eric still wasn’t explaining himself very well. “I just mean that, like, when I was in Korea for example I was stuck in this town called Yeosu on my own and all the hotels on the map didn’t seem to exist, so I was wandering round for ages in the rain thinking I was gonna end up kipping rough and I was on my own so it was a bit stressful.

  But then another time when I was in Noosa in Australia I couldn’t find anywhere to stay but that time I was with this lass, so having another person to share the experience with made it less stressful.”

  “So what experience did you share with that lass, then?” Garth asked, suggestively.

  “The experience of not being able to find a hostel,” Eric answered, pretending not to notice Garth’s suggestivity.

  “Was she fit, like?” Garth asked, getting to the point.

  “Well yeah, but that’s not really relevant,” Eric rebuffed.

  “So did you share any other experiences with her, then?” Garth probed.

  “Well yeah, but not the type of experiences you mean … alas,” Eric replied, finally succumbing to Garth’s line of questioning. “Anyway, here man! The Earth’s gonna get destroyed and you’re just being a perv! We need to focus on the aliens and forget about fit lasses in Australia.”

  Monty had a bit of a chuckle. “She must have bombed you out, then, did she?” he asked. “Just cos you seem a bit touchy about it.”

  “I’m touchy about the Earth getting destroyed,” Eric clarified. “Not about getting bombed out by a lass in Australia.”

  “Ar, so she did bomb you out, then?” Monty quizzed.

  “No, man.” Eric was starting to get a bit flustered. “The reason I’m not touchy about getting bombed out by her is because she didn’t bomb uz out…”

  “Ar, so yous got it on then?” Garth asked.

  “No, man!” Eric snapped.

  “Well what then?” Garth inquired.

  “I didn’t try anything on with her,” Eric explained. “That’s why she never bombed uz out. But if I had of tried anything on she probably would have bombed us out … so that’s why I didn’t try anything. So that’s basically the story. Right. Can we focus on the aliens now?”

  “It’s more fun winding you up about this lass in Australia to be honest,” Monty smirked.

  “Aye but having fun shouldn’t be the priority at the moment,” Eric highlighted. “The priority should be deciding what to text to Jixyl and Azleev.”

  “The way I see it,” Monty opined, “is that in all likelihood we’re almost certainly gonna die, so we might as well just not stress about the aliens and just enjoy the last few weeks, or however long it is, of our lives and have a bit fun before we die.”

  “Aye, you’re right, I suppose,” Eric shrugged. “Ar, I know! Maybe I should ask them how long it is until they’re gonna kill us all.”

  “Yeah, it’d be nice to know,” Monty agreed.

  So Eric typed out the following message on his alien mobile phone:

  ‘Look, I know that you were just pretending to be friendly the other day and that secretly you’re going to kill everyone, so I was just wondering what sort of timetable you’re working towards. Just cos I’ve got a few grand in the bank and if we were gonna die in a couple of weeks’ time then I’d rather spend it all now having some fun, rather than just waste it. But if there’s still a few months or a year or whatever before we die then I’d rather not blow my money just yet. Thanks. If you could let uz know as soon as possible.

  Cheers.’

  He ran it by his friends who laughingly agreed to it, then pressed send. Almost instantly he regretted sending it.

  “Ar, man! I’ve just had a dodgy thought!” he cried. “We’ve properly messed up, here, like.”

  “How’s that, like?” Monty asked.

  “Cos mebbees they weren’t gonna kill everyone until mebbees a year’s time or whatever,” Eric replied, “but now that they know that we’ve sussed their game they might come back and kill us straight away, just to make sure we don’t go round telling everyone and spoiling their plans.”

  “Actually you’ve got a point there,” Garth acknowledged.

  “Ar, fuck! What a chump I am!” Eric felt like a proper fool. “That’s twice now that they’ve made uz into a chump.”

  “Well to be fair to the aliens, that one you did to yourself,” Monty pointed out.

  “Ar, man!” Eric exclaimed. He was too gutted and stressed out to bother arguing with Monty’s point. Plus, he probably subconsciously realised that Monty was right.

  “Mebbees I should quickly send them another text.” So he did:

  ‘Just to clarify things, we’re not going to tell anyone else so you don’t have to kill us ahead of schedule to ensure our silence. I can promise you we won’t say a word. Not cos of loyalty to yous or nothing. Just cos if we told everyone that aliens we’re going to destroy the world, they’d just think we were fruit-loops. So there’s definitely no need to kill us. If you think through the logic of what I’ve said then you’ll definitely realise that you can definitely trust us. So please don’t kill us.

  Cheers.’

  Monty and Garth laughingly agreed once again and so Eric pressed send. “I wonder how much credit I’ve used?” he mused.

  “Is there not a number you can ring to find out?” Garth asked.

  “Probably, but I forgot to ask?” Eric revealed.

  At that point the phone screeched out the phrase ‘Has somebody fallen off the roof?’ in a funny comedy voice. Eric correctly assumed that this must be the alert for a received message so he quickly pressed a couple of buttons and read the message:

  ‘Sorry, don’t understand. Why do you think we’re going to kill you? Or is this some sort of Earth joke?’

  “Hey, they’re right proper idiots, like,” Eric exclaimed with annoyance in his voice. “Why can’t they just admit it? Instead of acting all innocent and playing dumb.”

  He began typing out the following reply:

  ‘Look, there’s no need to bluff any more. We know the truth. One of your mates…’

  At this point Eric sought the advice of his friends. “Actually do you think I should say ‘comrades’ instead of ‘mates’? Just cos the alien that confessed to that dude off Jerry Springer might not even
know Jixyl and Azleev, so technically he’s probably not their mate.”

  “Yeah, at a time like this it’s important you get your grammar right,” Monty remarked, facetiously.

  “Actually, would you mind changing it from ‘We know the truth’ to ‘I know the truth,’” Garth requested. “Just cos ‘we’ sort of incriminates us all. Whereas if you stick to saying ‘I’ then they might just kill you and leave me and Monty alive.”

  “Ar, thanks, like,” Eric retorted.

  “Well there’s no point all of us dying,” Garth argued, quite logically.

  “Actually I think I said ‘we’ in the last text,” Eric remarked, “so I’ve already incriminated yous.”

  “I don’t think it was as blatant in the last text, though,” Garth suggested.

  Eric quickly re-read his previous texts and they all agreed that he had incriminated them all already. Monty and Garth were still in favour of the word ‘I’ rather than ‘we,’ though. “Look, man. They didn’t even see yous,” Eric pointed out. “I don’t know why yous are so worried.”

  “It’s just there’s no point taking unnecessary risks,” Monty argued.

  Eventually, Eric finally agreed to amend his text, so that when he sent it off it read as follows:

  ‘Look, there’s no need to bluff any more. I know the truth. One of your comrades told this dude on a TV show that yous are gonna kill everyone on Earth. And I realise that I’m totally powerless to stop yous so my priority at the moment is finding out how long I’ve got to live so that I can maximise my enjoyment for the rest of my life. So if you could tell uz what sort of timescale you’re working towards, then I’d appreciate it.

  Cheers.’

  A few seconds later the following text came back:

  ‘I can guarantee you we’re not planning on killing everyone. But based on what you’ve told uz you should still be worried. We’re on our way back to Earth now. Explain more when we get there.’

  “Ar, nar. I reckon they’re coming back to kill us,” Eric concluded.

  “Kill you,” Garth corrected. “I don’t see why they would want to kill me and Monty.”

  “Ar, fuck. What d’you reckon I should do?” Eric asked.

  “I reckon we should all split up,” Monty suggested. “That way it’ll make it harder for them to find us.”

  “Find yous, you mean,” Eric corrected. “I’m not stupid, you know. I realise why you want to split up. But I don’t mind.”

  “And dump the phone as well,” Garth suggested. “It’ll probably have some sort of homing beacon in it.”

  “Aye, true,” Eric agreed. “I’ll just send them one more text first, though.”

  He began typing the following message:

  ‘Are you coming back to kill uz? If you are then can you please make it as painless as possible?’

  He then had second thoughts about the use of a question mark. “Actually, even though that’s technically a question, I think I’d be better off just putting a full stop.”

  “Why’s that?” Garth quizzed.

  “Just cos a question mark sort of makes it sound like they have a choice over whether to make it painful or not … whereas a full stop sort of makes it a statement. A full stop sort of uses the power of suggestivity to influence them towards the painless option.”

  “A full stop couldn’t do any harm, I suppose,” Monty agreed. “After all, it’s not like it’s your English GCSE exam. Staying alive should be your priority. Not grammatical accuracy.”

  “Yeah, I’ll go with the full stop,” Eric affirmed.

  ‘Are you coming back to kill uz? If you are then can you please make it as painless as possible. Just cos there’s no benefit to be gained by causing uz pain. A quick painless death makes sense as the most preferable option all-round.

  Cheers.’

  Eric was pleased with his use of a full stop, but he was still feeling depressed. “Ar, it’s a total gutter, this, like,” he shrugged.

  “I know,” Monty nodded. “There’s a leaving do at work next Friday as well and I was gonna have a crack at this new lass. I’ve been doing a load of spadework on her as well but now it’s probably all gonna go to waste.”

  “Well they might not kill you,” Eric suggested, trying to be optimistic.

  “Even if they don’t. I’m still gonna die at some point,” Monty pointed out. “They’re gonna kill everyone eventually … according to that dude off Jerry Springer.”

  “Well you might last long enough to score with that new lass from work, though,” Eric proposed, trying to be optimistic.

  “Actually now that I consider things … that’s not really that big a deal anymore,” Monty shrugged. “I think staying alive would be my first choice.”

  “I tell you the weird thing for me,” Eric remarked. “You’d think I’d be totally gutted that I was going to die. But the main emotion I’m feeling at the moment is that I’m totally angry at being fooled. I cannit believe I fell for their patter, like.”

  “Don’t beat yourself up over it,” Garth consoled. “They probably used some special mind device on you to make you susceptible to suggestion.”

  “No, I think I was just a chump,” Eric begged to differ, with refreshing honesty.

  At this point Monty noticed a glint of light reflecting off something attached to Eric’s back and thus motioned for him to turn around. Closer inspection revealed a tiny metal device attached to Eric’s fleece hoody.

  “The fucking little gits!” Eric exclaimed, as Monty showed him the device. “That’s three times now that they’ve made a chump of uz. Ar, I’m sending them another text.”

  So he typed out the following message:

  ‘I’ve just found the bug on my back, you fucking snidey little gits!’

  He paused before going any further. “Actually, if I kick off with them they might make my death totally painful … just out of spite. So maybe I should send them a more friendly message.”

  So Eric then typed out the following toned down message:

  ‘I’ve just found the bug on my back. If I promise not to destroy it will you promise to make my death as painless as possible?’

  …before once again feeling uneasy about the use of a question mark, so in the end…

  ‘I’ve just found the bug on my back. If I promise not to destroy it will you promise to make my death as painless as possible.’

  …was the message that he finally sent. A few seconds later the following message appeared on his mobile:

  ‘I shagged a black guy at the weekend.’

  “Eh? That’s a bit weird,” Eric remarked, looking somewhat bemused by the message.

  “What’s it say, like?” Monty inquired.

  “He’s saying he shagged a black dude at the weekend,” Eric revealed. “You see! I knew they were into anal probes!” Peculiarly, he felt quite smug that one of his initial suspicions would now seem to have been confirmed.

  “He shagged a black dude?” Garth repeated, now looking as bemused as Eric. “Are the aliens gay, like?”

  “They didn’t seem it, like,” Eric pondered. “In fact Jixyl was going on about spanking lasses being normal on their planet.”

  “Well if he shagged a dude then I suspect he’s probably gay, like,” Monty deduced. “It’s just a wild stab in the dark…”

  “Why’s he telling you that, though?” Garth asked, trying to analyse the logic, or lack thereof, of Jixyl’s latest text.

  “I dunno,” Eric shrugged. “Mebbees they’re trying to confuse uz to distract uz from my impending death.” But then Eric noticed the name tag attached to the message. “Ar, hang on a sec. It’s not from Jixyl. It’s from someone called Jeemia.” Slowly, a more plausible explanation for the last text began to formulate in Eric’s mind. “Ar, I bet you that’s probably his girlfriend. He mustn’t have told her about him giving me his phone.” The message was finally starting to make sense to Eric. “Ar…”

  “His lass is shagging a black dude?” Garth remarked. �
��What a bitch!”

  “Yeah, it’s a gutter for him, that, like,” Eric agreed. “Although I have to say that I don’t feel too much sympathy for him … given that he’s possibly planning on exterminating mankind.”

  “Yeah, all things considered he probably deserves it,” Monty declared.

  “It’s still a bit of a snidey thing for her to do, though,” Garth reasoned.

  “Ar, yeah. She’s definitely a snidey bitch, like,” Eric agreed. “I’m not denying her snidiness. In fact I might send her a text back pretending to be Jixyl saying he was cheating on her anyway … just to piss her off.”

  “You might get Jixyl into trouble, though,” Garth pointed out.

  “Ar, nar! I wouldn’t want to get him into trouble, like,” Eric remarked, sarcastically. “It might get in the way of his plans to destroy the Earth. That would be a gutter, like, wouldn’t it?”

  “But what if he’s telling the truth and he’s on his way back now to try and help us?” Garth hypothesised. “Then you’ll have gotten him into trouble for nothing.”

  “Well either way his lass has cheated on him, so he’s probably gonna split up with her anyway,” Eric reasoned. “And even if he forgives her she can hardly complain, can she? Considering she’s done the same thing.”

  “True,” Monty nodded.

  So Eric typed out the following message:

  ‘I shagged a fit Swedish lass the other day so that makes us even.’

  Just as he was about to send it though, he had the following realisation, “Ar, hang on a sec, though. They probably won’t have Swedish lasses on their planet.”

  “I’d say that’s a reasonable assumption,” Monty agreed, “based on the fact that Sweden is a country based on Earth and they come from a planet at the other side of the galaxy. And also seeing as how they haven’t yet discovered the secret of intergalactic planetary travel yet in Sweden.”