How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy

by Charles Fudgemuffin

  “I’ll change it to ‘a fit blonde lass’ instead,” Eric remarked.

  So he eventually sent the following message:

  ‘I shagged a fit blonde lass the other day so that makes us even.’

  A minute or so later he got the following reply:

  ‘You two-timing bastard. All men are skanky dogs.’

  Eric read the message to his mates. “Eh! What a hypocrite!” he observed. “It’s alright for her to shag a black dude but when Jixyl shags a fit blonde lass she takes a total strop.”

  “That’s total double standards, that, like,” Garth agreed.

  “Maybe they have different standards in their society,” Monty suggested. “Maybe it’s acceptable for women to cheat but men are expected to be loyal.”

  “Well that’s a bit stupid, like,” Garth remarked.

  “It’s totally stupid,” Eric emphasised. “Loyalty should go both ways, like.”

  At this moment another text came through:

  ‘Look, you have to trust us. We don’t want to kill you. That bug on your back was just another prank. We’ll be able to prove our peaceful intentions once we get back to Earth. We’re going to try to save your lives … but we’ll need your help. Don’t send any more messages in case they’re being monitored.’

  Eric read the message to his friends. “That one’s off Jixyl,” he pointed out, although his friends had probably already ascertained that from the subject matter. “What do you reckon it means?”

  “It sounds to me that they’re possibly sort of admitting that their species is going to kill us but they’re personally against it and they want to help us,” Monty deduced. “Or at least, that’s what they want us to believe.”

  “Mebbees,” Eric considered.

  “Realistically, if they want to kill you, or us, or everyone, then they probably can so there’s no point doing a runner,” Garth interjected, “whereas if they’re going to help us then there’s obviously definitely no point doing a runner either. So either way I reckon you should stay put.”

  “You’ve sharp changed your tune, like,” Eric remarked. “When we first saw the spaceship you were away like a shot.”

  “That was a reflex reaction,” Garth explained. “My considered opinion now though is that we stay put and wait for them to arrive.”

  “Yeah, we might as well see what they have to say,” Monty agreed.

  “Aye, I suppose,” Eric shrugged.

  So that was what they did. They stayed put and waited for Jixyl and Azleev to return.

  Chapter Eight – Life Snides Eric Off

  An air of nervousness had hung over Eric, Monty and Garth while they waited for Jixyl and Azleev’s return, and so Eric decided to relieve the tension by bringing a positive comment to the situation.

  “I tell you what would be good,” he remarked.

  “What?” Monty inquired.

  “If the whole planet knew what we knew about the aliens’ plan to kill everyone…”

  “Aye, cos at least then the governments and armies and all that,” Garth interrupted, “could co-ordinate their defence plans and…”

  “Hang on, I hadn’t finished,” Eric re-interrupted. “I was gonna say it’d be good if everyone knew that we were all gonna die … cos then it’d be much easier to score. Lasses wouldn’t be thinking about the long term and getting married and having babies and all that. They’d just be thinking, ‘Oh no! I’ve only got a few weeks to live!’ so they’d be more concerned about short-term fun.”

  “Aye, imagine … they’d be just like blokes,” Monty mused. “And imagine how easy it would be to score if all lasses were as slaggy as blokes.”

  “Yeah, every cloud has a silver lining,” Garth laughed.

  “But, like, that’s a strange thing to think about,” Monty remarked. “The world’s gonna end and all you can think about is, ‘Ar, well at least it’s gonna be easier to score.’”

  “Well you were just as bad earlier on,” Eric accused, “when you were going on about that new lass at work.”

  “Yeah, in my defence, though…” Monty declared, “she’s really fit.”

  “Aye well so were the lasses I was thinking of scoring with in my hypothetical example,” Eric countered.

  “I think it’s safe to say that you’re both perverts,” Garth remarked.

  “Eh! ‘Pot’ and ‘kettle,’ like!” Eric spat back. “You’re the one that went down to odds of two to one for the ‘blowjob’ versus ‘risk of getting your knob bitten off’ scenario.”

  “Yeah, fair comment,” Garth acknowledged. “But anyway, when I called you perverts I obviously meant it as a compliment in any case.”

  Eric and Monty chuckled at Garth’s alleged compliment. “Aye, we’re all perverts,” Monty agreed.

  “I wonder if alien lasses are fit,” Eric then mused.

  “…but I think it’s safe to say that of the three of uz, Eric’s by far the biggest pervert,” Monty continued.

  “I was just making a comment,” Eric replied, defensively. “It’s a fair question.”

  “What were the alien blokes like?” Garth asked.

  “Canny average, I would say,” Eric remarked, shaking his flattened outstretched hand in the universal sign language for ‘average.’

  “The lasses are probably average as well, then,” Garth surmised.

  “Not necessarily,” Eric disagreed. “Swedish lasses are, like, totally lush, but Swedish dudes are … well, actually they’re sort of good looking as well, I suppose, but I’d still say they’re not quite in the same league as Swedish lasses.”

  “Aye, and all lasses fancy Italian men, but when I went to Italy the women there weren’t that great looking,” Garth opined.[22]

  “Aye but the only lasses that fancy Italian men are lasses that’ve never actually met any Italian men,” Eric claimed. “When I was in Haad Rin, Italian men definitely ranked well below English dudes, like. Just cos Italian men don’t seem to understand the concept of treating lasses with respect. Whereas in England we all realise that if you’re gonna have any chance with a lass then you have to pretend you respect her.” Eric was just joking about pretending to respect lasses, cos he did in reality respect lasses. Well, obviously not all lasses. Some lasses were obviously a bit rubbish. But he respected most of them, at least. And in fact when he visited Morocco he had a lot more respect for Moroccan women than he did for Moroccan men. Although that’s not to say that all the Moroccan dudes he met were rubbish. Some of them were canny sound as well. Anyway, crass generalisations just get you into trouble, so suffice it to say that Eric respected just as many women as he did men, and vice versa.

  “I’m sure there must be some Italian men that respect women, though,” Monty suggested. “So by the same logic even if the alien dudes were canny average there must still be some fit alien lasses. You can’t judge an entire nation or species just on the behaviour or looks of a few individuals.”

  “Ar yeah, when I said that Italian men don’t know how to treat women with respect I was just making a crass generalisation,” Eric admitted. “Some of them are sound, like. And yeah, I’m pretty sure there’ll be a canny lot of alien lasses who are totally fit, like.”

  “You’ve obviously given the subject a lot of thought,” Monty joked.

  “Is that one of your fantasies, like?” Garth inquired.

  “Nar, course not!” Eric retorted, feeling quite offended. “What sort of a freak do you think I am, like? Alien lasses! Nar, they’re obviously not a fantasy. Nar, my top five fantasies are Swedish lasses, obviously.” He counted out ‘one’ on his fingers. “A threesome, obviously.” He counted out two.

  “Obviously,” Monty agreed.

  “Having her tongue pierced.” He tapped his third finger. Anyway, I’m sure you get the idea by now.

  “I thought you’d already been with a lass with her tongue pierced?” Garth inquired.

  “Aye, I have … but it’s still a fantasy, though. Just cos you do a fantasy once i
t doesn’t mean you don’t want a repeat performance,” Eric pointed out. “Like, if Newcastle won the Premiership I’d still want us to win it again.”

  “Aye, fair point,” Garth acknowledged.

  “And anyway, she wouldn’t give uz a blowjob, the snide that she was,” Eric revealed, “so it doesn’t count as properly fulfilling one of my top five fantasies.”

  “How many top five fantasies have you done, then?” Monty inquired.

  “Well you can’t ask that, like,” Eric clammed up.

  “Why not?” Monty pressed.

  “I’m not comfortable discussing such a pervy subject,” Eric replied.

  Monty and Garth both started laughing. “I can’t say I’ve ever noticed you being uncomfortable with pervy conversation,” Monty remarked.

  “Well, basically I’ve never done any of my top five fantasies,” Eric admitted. “That’s what I’m uncomfortable about.”

  “Apart from the pierced tongue,” Garth added.

  “Well, no … like I said, that didn’t count cos there was no blowjob involved,” Eric repeated. “I love pierced tongues … well, piercings in general … and snogging a lass with her tongue pierced is totally lush, like. Honestly, normally I’m thinking about having sex with a lass within about five seconds of snogging her, but if she’s got her tongue pierced then I’m so busy enjoying playing with her tongue that it’s about, oo … mebbees even an extra twenty seconds before I even think about progressing things on. Anyway, what was I going on about…” All this talk of pierced tongues had left Eric somewhat distracted.

  “Your top five fantasies,” Garth reminded him.

  “Ar, aye. What I was gonna say is that I love snogging lasses with their tongue pierced but that’s not the proper fantasy,” Eric reiterated. “The proper fantasy is getting a blowjob off a lass with her tongue pierced.”

  “It’s a near miss, though,” Monty consoled. “Better than nothing.”

  “Ar, yeah. I don’t want to sound ungrateful,” Eric quickly remarked. “It’s just that I’ve had loads of near misses but never a perfect match for a fantasy.”

  “So what are some of your other near misses, then?” Garth inquired.

  “Well I’ve sucked Red Bull off a lass’s baps before,” Eric revealed. It has to be said that despite his earlier protestations, he did appear to be very comfortable having a pervy conversation. In all probability he probably found it a welcome distraction from his potential forthcoming death.

  Monty started chuckling at Eric’s revelation, whereas Garth just looked surprised. “You kept that quiet, like,” he remarked.

  “Well you never asked,” Eric shrugged.

  “To be fair though, it’s not the sort of question you would generally ask in everyday conversation,” Monty pointed out. “Like, you generally don’t go, ‘So Eric, did you see the football last night? Have you heard the new Foo Fighters single? Ar … and have you sucked Red Bull off any lasses’ baps recently?’”

  “And they were totally lush baps, like,” Eric continued, with a distant look in his eyes. “Like, as big as you can get before you start getting into freakish territory. And lushly spherical … like, totally pert. No sagginess at all. The perfect shape.”

  “So what’s your actual proper top five bap sucking fantasy, then,” Monty inquired, “if that was only a near miss?”

  “Well for proper fantasy fulfilment it would obviously have to have been lemon juice, not Red Bull,” Eric revealed.

  “Yeah, you certainly love your lemons,” Monty acknowledged, with a grin. “No one can deny that.” Eric had a well known reputation as a lover of lemons and would regularly eat people’s leftover lemons from their cokes.

  “Not that I’m knocking Red Bull,” Eric quickly added. “It was still totally lush … but lemon juice would have made it perfect.”

  “So that’s four, then,” Monty tallied. “What’s the fifth fantasy in your top five fantasies?”

  “Hang on! I still wanna hear about your other near misses,” Garth exclaimed.

  “Well basically my near miss with a Swedish lass is that I scored with her at a low level,” Eric began, “and I should have obviously converted things into complete success, but I was stupidly canny drunk and I was totally gormless so the chance slipped through my fingers.”

  “So what’s that mean in terms of what actually happened?” Monty probed.

  “Well basically it means I didn’t have sex with her and the next day was totally weird, cos on the one hand you’re obviously canny chuffed about even getting to low level stuff with a Swedish lass, but on the other hand you’re totally annoyed with yourself for messing up the main course. Honestly, man … I was even thinking of giving up the booze … that’s how annoyed I was at myself, cos basically it was my drunken gormlessness that spoilt my chances.”

  Monty and Garth were quite surprised by Eric’s revelations because usually he didn’t talk about this sort of thing. Not because he was uncomfortable discussing it. Just because, like he said earlier, they never asked.

  “And what about your threesome near miss?” Garth quizzed.

  “Ar, that was a total gutter, like,” Eric proclaimed, a look of nostalgic disappointment suddenly appearing on his face. “Not that it was a near miss really, like. It was a totally far miss actually. So far in fact that it’s not even worth telling.”

  “Nar, howay,” Garth pressed.

  “Well, like, basically you know when you’re well in with a lass and you know that you’re probably going get it on later on,” Eric began to explain. “Like, you haven’t actually discussed it so it hasn’t been categorically confirmed or anything, but you’re basically totally confident and you’d be totally surprised if it didn’t happen. Well, I was with a lass like that and I was obviously thinking, ‘Get in. This is looking good, like.’

  But on top of that, her mate was there as well and she was being quite flirty as well, so then I was, like, ‘Mmm, maybe this could be even better than I was hoping!’ And then we were all bantering on for a bit and getting more and more flirty until eventually I was going back to their room with them. Like, nothing had still been categorically confirmed but by then I was, like, obviously thinking, ‘Mmm, excellent! This is looking extremely promising!’

  But then as usual life totally snided uz off as usual, cos then just before we got to their room her flirty mate stood on some broken glass and cut her foot open so we had to take her to go and get it bandaged up. So I was, like, ‘Ar, total gutter!’ Cos, like, all the blood and stuff just completely ruined the horniness. So then, like, in the end I didn’t even get a twosome, never mind a threesome.

  And then I tell you what made it even more of a gutter, right, was that a couple of days later I finally got to see their room … and they only had a double bed! Not, like, two singles … just one bed! So then I was, like, ‘Ar … double gutter!’ Cos my hunch had obviously been correct but by then we’d moved into mates territory so the chance was obviously gone by then.” Eric shook his head in reflective disappointment. “Hey, it was a total gutter how she cut her foot open, like.”

  “Aye, I can see how upset you are about how painful it must have been for her cutting her foot open, like,” Monty joked.

  “Yeah, life clearly snided you off when she stood on the broken glass, like, Eric,” Garth added. “Not her.”

  Eric suddenly attempted to appear sympathetic. “Ar well … aye, I mean … like, I was obviously concerned for her cutting her foot open, like. Obviously it looked canny painful, like, so I was, like, obviously hoping she was okay and all that.” The distant look of disappointment then quickly reappeared on Eric’s face again. “But I mean … ar, hey! So close to a threesome, you know.”

  “Aye, how selfish of her to cut her foot open at a time like that,” Monty smirked.

  “Actually, I found out later on that she had a boyfriend in any case,” Eric revealed. “Like, not the first lass … her flirty mate. So really I was canny glad in the end that nothing
happened cos I wouldn’t want any three-way activity to happen with a lass that wasn’t single.”

  “Ar, yeah, cos you’ve got totally high moral standards,” Monty joked, ironically.

  “I have, man!” Eric protested. “I totally wouldn’t do anything with a lass that wasn’t single.” Monty and Garth didn’t look very convinced. “I wouldn’t, man! And not just cos of the moral aspect either. When you think about it, if a lass has gotten herself into a serious relationship once then she’s probably gonna do it again … and serious relationships are, like … ‘woah!’ to me.” Eric raised his hands defensively to emphasise the word ‘woah!’

  “I’m sure that Rachel lass would be pleased to hear you say that,” Garth remarked.

  “Well I don’t think she wants to see uz again now in any case,” Eric guessed. “But anyway, I’m just totally not into being serious, like. So my lack of interest in non-single lasses isn’t just about morals. It’s also for selfish reasons. Like seriously, I totally wouldn’t do anything with a non-single lass, like.” Monty and Garth were just starting to look convinced by Eric’s protestations, when after a moment’s thought he continued, “Well, unless she was totally fit … obviously.” After a further moment’s thought he added, “Or unless I was canny drunk, mebbees.” After yet another pause Eric then added a further exception. “Or mebbees if I was feeling canny horny.”

  “That’s quite a few exclusions,” Monty observed.

  “Nar, man. That was just a joke obviously,” Eric clarified. “I seriously wouldn’t do anything with a non-single lass in any circumstances. It’s just not worth the risk. Like I say, she might turn out to be a serial relationshipist.”

  “I think all lasses are serial relationshipists … as you put it,” Monty smirked.

  “So anyway, getting back to the lemon juice fantasy…” Garth recalled. “How come you haven’t licked lemon juice off Rachel’s baps, then?”