How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy

by Charles Fudgemuffin

  “Well maybe just cos Jeemia sent you a text saying she’d shagged a black guy. Maybe you were feeling competitive,” Sverine proposed.

  “Competitive? Eh? What sort of ridiculous logic is that?” Jixyl questioned, looking bemused. “So you’re saying my lass’s best mate sends uz a text saying she’s achieved her ‘black guy’ fantasy, so I then feel the need to make up a lie to her saying that I shagged a blonde lass … which isn’t even my fantasy.”

  “So you don’t fancy me, then?” Sverine inquired. As you may have guessed from her response, Sverine was blonde.

  “Aye, of course I fancy you,” Jixyl assured her. “But, like, I just fancy you specifically. I don’t fancy blonde lasses in general.” Jixyl actually did fancy blonde lasses in general but he correctly assumed that right at this moment it probably wouldn’t be the best idea to admit to it. “Look, fair enough, I can understand you being angry cos if you had lost your mobile and someone had sent me a random text saying you’d cheated on uz, I’d be angry as well. But once I’d calmed down and thought about it, I’d realise that logically there’s no way you would send a text like that so it must have been sent by someone else.”

  “Maybe you didn’t think Jeemia would tell uz,” Sverine suggested.

  “Course she’d tell you!” Jixyl remonstrated. “She’s your best mate! Course she’s gonna tell you if she gets a text saying… Well, just a text like that.”

  “Well maybe you thought she’d keep quiet to spare my feelings,” Sverine proposed.

  “Well why would I even take the risk?” Jixyl argued. “Like, surely it’d be even safer just not to tell her in the first place.”

  Sverine was starting to see the logic in what Jixyl was saying but her initial anger still had a hold on her. So Jixyl suggested that the best course of action was for them to both go their separate ways for a couple of days and then discuss the matter further once Sverine had calmed down and had a chance to think about things logically. Sverine agreed to this suggestion with the one slight adjustment that she thought it was best to give Jixyl one final tirade of abuse first prior to them going their separate ways.

  After receiving the tirade of abuse Jixyl returned straight away to his student quarters to see Eric and he wasn’t happy. “Why did you send a text to Jeemia saying I’d shagged a blonde lass?” he demanded.

  “Ar, em … I meant to tell you about that,” Eric stuttered.

  “What were you thinking of?” Jixyl snapped.

  “Well just cos your lass sent you a text saying…” Eric was reluctant to reveal to Jixyl about what he still believed was his cheating girlfriend but eventually decided that given the circumstances Jixyl would want to know the truth, if he didn’t already, that is. “Well, just that she’d shagged a black guy.”

  “Sverine shagged a black guy?” Jixyl queried, suddenly looking slightly confused, not to mention more than a little curious.

  “Sverine?” Eric replied. “Who’s Sverine?”

  “My girlfriend,” Jixyl replied.

  “Not Jeemia?” Eric questioned.

  “No. Jeemia’s her best mate,” Jixyl explained.

  “Ar,” Eric muttered. And then the repercussions of his text finally hit him. “Ar … well, em … I think I might have made a bit of a slight mug up.”

  “A slight mug up?” Jixyl exclaimed. “More like a scale ten mug up, you fool!” It has to be said he didn’t look very happy.

  Eric felt totally foolish and did his best to convey his apologeticness in his body language. “Ar, soz. Like, I’m totally sorry. Like, I just thought you’d want revenge and all that. Like, I thought I was doing you a favour.”

  “By sending my girlfriend’s best mate a text saying I’d shagged a blonde lass!” Jixyl snapped. When put like that, Eric had to admit that it possibly wasn’t the greatest favour he had ever done for anyone.

  “Well, er … I sort of, er … misjudged the situation a bit,” Eric mumbled.

  “Ar, hey. Earth’s in deep crap if it has to rely on a fool like you to save it,” Jixyl spat.

  “Ar, don’t worry. I’m normally not as daft as that,” Eric insisted. “Honestly, it’s usually totally rare when I do stuff as daft as that.”

  “Well it’ll have to be if you’re gonna have any chance of success with your mission,” Jixyl warned. “Seriously, from now on you need to demonstrate a much greater degree of common sense.”

  “Ar, yeah. Definitely, like,” Eric promised. “Don’t worry. That was just a one-off mug up.”

  “Right, well from now on … no more mug ups,” Jixyl counselled. “Not even one off ones.”

  “Ar, yeah. Totally,” Eric affirmed. “No more mug ups.”

  And so, needless to say, Eric didn’t get much sleep that night. Partly because he was concerned and embarrassed about the trouble he had caused for Jixyl with his girlfriend. But partly also because he was on a different planet billions of miles away from Earth which was a total buzz for Eric.

  And also partly because over the next few weeks he might possibly go down in history as the dude who saved the Earth.

  ‘Aye, the dude who saved the Earth,’ Eric thought to himself. ‘I like the sound of that. It’s got a nice ring to it.’

  Meanwhile in the next room, Jixyl was thinking of Eric as something quite different from the dude who saved the Earth. Jixyl was thinking of Eric as ‘the daft gormless chump that had probably split him and Sverine up.’

  But if everything went to plan then that was a price that Jixyl would be more than willing to pay.

  Chapter Nineteen – Last Minute Preparation

  By the time Eric awoke the following morning he had come to the conclusion that Jixyl had probably brought his current situation with his girlfriend upon himself, on account of the way he had messed with that Natalie lass’s feelings during The Nivlax Festival. ‘It’s probably just bad karma teaching Jixyl a lesson,’ Eric told himself in a blatant attempt to absolve himself of any blame. This attempt at acquitting himself from guilt wasn’t entirely successful, however, and Jixyl obviously picked up on this over breakfast as he felt the need to give Eric a pep talk.

  “Look, if you’re still worried about the fact that you’ve probably split me and my lass up then forget about it,” Jixyl very generously remarked. “Don’t worry about it. I’ve moved on from the fact that you’ve probably split up me and my girlfriend. In the grand scheme of things, what matters now is saving the Earth, not the fact that you’ve probably split up me and my girlfriend.”

  Eric couldn’t help noticing that for someone who had allegedly moved on from his current relationship difficulties, Jixyl seemed very keen to mention the aforementioned difficulties at every available opportunity.

  “Ar, right. Well I’ll try to focus on saving the Earth, then,” Eric agreed.

  The first step in Eric saving the Earth involved him going to the Biological Research Department at the nearby Fyraling University Of Advanced Science to get implanted with the Telix-17 virus.

  Not long after Jixyl and Azleev had discovered the predicament Earth faced, they had by chance bumped into an old school friend named Stymer who had been working on a top secret project aimed at providing the Fyralings with a way to defend themselves in the event that the Femlings were ever to decide that Fyra was the next planet to merit elimination as an ‘act of kindness’ under the Quality Of Life proposal. When Jixyl mentioned to Stymer the twisted plans the Femlings had for Earth, Stymer had thought it the honourable thing to do to mention the Telix-17 virus his research had created and explain the possibilities this presented to the inhabitants of Earth for a chance of survival.

  Jixyl and Azleev had then passed on this information to Eric, which was why he was now on his way to Stymer’s research laboratory. Azleev had an important lecture that morning so Jixyl was Eric’s escort for the trip. Before long they were at the lab and Jixyl knocked on the door. Seconds later Stymer appeared and invited them into the lab.

  As Eric entered the lab however,
his excitement suddenly disappeared, to be replaced by an attack of paranoia. “I’ve just thought,” he announced, “what happens if I’m not immune after all and I die as well?”

  “Well you are immune so that’s a daft question,” Jixyl answered.

  “Yeah, but what happens if for some reason my anti-bodies don’t work properly and I catch the disease and die?” Eric hypothesised.

  “Look, man. Don’t stress,” Jixyl replied, tetchily. “Humans are immune. That’s all you need to know.” Eric didn’t find this explanation very reassuring, however.

  “Your immunity isn’t based on anti-bodies,” Stymer explained, going into more detail. “It’s the biological structure of your brain which gives you your immunity. The process the virus follows goes from stage A to stage B to stage C. And the part of the brain which allows stage B to take place doesn’t exist in humans, so it’s physically impossible to get to stage C in humans.

  It’s like if you imagine a toy train track with one of the pieces of track missing. There’s no possible way for the train to do a complete lap.”

  Eric considered this information for a moment. “Ar, right. Cheers. That’s alright, then. I just needed reassured. That’s all,” he replied, before turning to Jixyl. “You see! You should try explaining stuff properly. People feel much more comfortable if you tell them a proper explanation, rather than just saying, ‘Ar, don’t worry. You’re just immune.’”

  “I was right, though,” Jixyl insisted. “You are immune.”

  “Aye, but there was no harm in telling uz why I’m immune,” Eric proclaimed.

  “Anyway, have you gone four hours without food?” Stymer asked.

  “Aye, I’m starving,” Eric complained. He turned once again to Jixyl. “You didn’t mention I’d have to starve myself, like, when you were telling uz the plan. Otherwise I mightn’t have been so keen.” He was only half-joking.

  “Four hours without food isn’t a big deal, like,” Jixyl asserted. The look on Eric’s face suggested that he disagreed with this statement.

  “Anyway, if you’ll just swallow this medicine,” Stymer announced, “and that’s it done.” He handed Eric a small thimbleful of red medicine which Eric took with his gloved hands[42], then downed it in one gulp.

  “I’m surprised it was just medicine, like. I thought it would have been an injection or something,” Eric remarked, before adding, “Not that I’m complaining, like.”

  “No, blood cells kill the virus before it has a chance to cement itself in your system,” Stymer explained, “so it couldn’t be an injection. It has to be saliva.”

  “Saliva?” Eric queried. “Well how come it was medicine, then?”

  “The medicine was predominantly saliva,” Stymer revealed.

  A look of horror appeared on Eric’s face. “Urgh!” he cried out. “So I’ve just drunk a cup of spit!? Urgh!” He looked quite distressed by this revelation.

  “It was hardly a cup, like,” Jixyl pointed out. “It was more like a thimbleful.”

  “Still though … I’ve just drunk spit!” Eric exclaimed. “Eurgh!! That’s totally sick!” Eric had to concentrate to stop himself from actually being sick, but he just about managed to keep his guts intact.

  “So was it a lass’s spit, like, was it?” he then inquired, hopefully, “or a dude’s?”

  “It was mine,” Stymer disclosed, matter-of-factly.

  The look of horror on Eric’s face increased tenfold. “Eurghh!!!” he exclaimed. “Ar … nar.” Eric could just about have handled a lass’s saliva but he found the concept of swallowing a dude’s saliva utterly repulsive. “Urgh!” he repeated, before quickly adding, “No offence, like. It’s just that … urgh! A dude’s saliva! Like … eurgh! Ar, honestly. I feel sick.”

  “There’s an anti-nausea agent in the medicine,” Stymer declared, “so don’t worry, you won’t be sick. Psychologically, you might feel unpleasant, but you won’t actually be sick.”

  “Ar, well that’s a weight off my mind,” Eric joked, “cos I was only concerned about being sick. I wasn’t concerned at all by the fact that I’ve just drank a dude’s saliva.”

  “By the way, you might have noticed… Eric’s a complete sarky nowt,” Jixyl remarked.

  Eric though, did indeed manage to keep the medicine/saliva down. So the first stage of the plan was complete.

  The next stage was sorting out the method of G.O.T. to be used by Eric during his time on Fem. A mobile phone was quickly ruled out as impractical. When Eric was with Jixyl and Azleev, it wasn’t a big issue if there was an occasional G.O.T.less moment. But if this happened on Fem it would blow Eric’s cover and so a more permanent method of G.O.T. was required. It was therefore decided that Eric would receive an ear implant as this totally removed the possibility that he might forget to carry a portable G.O.T. device with him at some time.

  It was also decided that the version of G.O.T. Eric would be fitted with would be version 2.5. This was the latest flashiest version of G.O.T. and eliminated the vast majority of the few minor communicational blips with version 2.2. It cost a hefty old wedge but it was decided that even an occasional slight communicational moment of confusion on Fem might possibly blow Eric’s cover, and therefore, despite version 2.5 being generally perceived as a total rip-off, on this occasion the exorbitant cost was a price that was worth paying.

  Inserting the ear implant was a painless process, as Eric himself commented after the process was completed.

  “Hey, that was alright, that, like,” he remarked. “I was a bit worried it might knack a bit but I didn’t really feel anything.”

  “Yeah, it’s a simple procedure,” the ear doctor confirmed.

  “I’ve just thought, though. Is it waterproof?” Eric inquired.

  “Don’t worry. It’s waterproof,” the doctor assured him. “It’s also shockproof, fireproof and explosion-proof. If you got blasted to smithereens the ear implant would still be working fine.”

  “Hmm…” Eric pondered. “That’s not gonna happen, though, is it? I mean, I was thinking more along the lines of there’s a good chance I might want to go for a swim. But there’s not a good chance I’ll get blown to smithereens, is there?”

  “Nar, of course not,” Jixyl answered. The doctor looked a bit confused by Eric’s question.

  “Ar, good,” Eric smiled.

  “But if you did the ear implant would still be intact,” the ear doctor boasted.

  “Hmm…” Eric repeated.

  After a few moments another question came to him. “And what about customs? Like … will it make uz beep when I walk through the metal detector machine?” The doctor once again looked slightly confused.

  “You’ll have to forgive my mate,” Jixyl shrugged at the doctor. “He suffers from memory loss so he sometimes comes across as a bit out of touch with modern science.”

  “No, don’t worry. It’s constructed from a non-metallic alloy,” the doctor explained. “Every problem you can come up with, the designers have already thought of and solved.”

  The ear implant wouldn’t overcome all of Eric’s communicational difficulties, however. He was now able to communicate verbally with every species in the galaxy[43], but the ear implant couldn’t solve the problem of the written word. Electronic devices were almost always G.O.T. enabled anyway nowadays, so using things like mobiles and PCs wouldn’t be a problem for Eric. But printed words, for example on chocolate bars and on signs outside bars and restaurants, would still be gobbledegook to Eric.

  So the next stage of the plan involved attaching semi-permanent G.O.T. enabled contact lenses to Eric’s eyes.

  Eric was quite understandably nervous about having alterations made to his eyesight.

  “I dunno about this,” he remarked, as he and Jixyl sat in the optician’s waiting room.

  “Well it’s either get the contact lenses inserted or not be able to read when you go to Fem and, like, therefore give the game away that you’re not a Femling and fail in the mission,” Jixyl expl
ained.

  “Ar, yeah. I know,” Eric replied. “Don’t worry. I don’t mean ‘I don’t know about this’ as in ‘I’m not gonna do it.’ I just mean ‘I dunno about this’ as in ‘I’m still obviously gonna do it, but I just wanna have a bit of a whinge about it first.’”

  “There’s no need to whinge, like,” Jixyl asserted. “Virtually all Fyralings get G.O.T. contact lenses as a matter of course and there’s never any problems. It’s as simple as having a quadruple heart bypass.”

  “Flip! Is a quadruple heart bypass not canny complicated, like?” Eric inquired.

  “Nar, course not,” Jixyl responded.

  “Ar, aye. Soz. I keep forgetting yous are all, like, scientific geniuses compared to us on Earth,” Eric replied.

  “Aye, so don’t stress,” Jixyl advised. “Just remember, all these procedures that might seem complicated to you are really simple and straightforward to us cos technology is really advanced on Fyra compared to Earth.”

  And so after having a bit whinge about it, Eric then chilled out and didn’t stress and got the contact lenses attached which meant that physically he was finally ready. All that remained now was to learn as much as he could about the planet Fem and Femling science and society. So that was exactly how he spent the next few days.

  Learning about Femling society was a pretty easy task, as it was very similar to society on Earth, other than a few minor differences. Learning about Femling science, however, was a more time-consuming task, as they were so far advanced compared to the levels of science reached on Earth. Fortunately for Eric though, the majority of Femling science wouldn’t really effect his day to day living on the island resort of Ko Pagna, as most scientific developments related to space travel, weaponry or medical science. He still had to be aware of these scientific inventions and processes, but didn’t require more than a basic general knowledge. And besides, he had his portable G.I.N. unit with access to billions of G.I.N. sites if any subjects came up during his time on Fem which he needed to further research.